to be upset that parents have complained about my daughter?

[thereslovely]

A group of parents in my 7 year old adopted daughter's school have complained to the school about her behaviour towards their little darlings. Fair enough she can be difficult (emotional, behavioural needs) but is also really sweet and lovable and can't help herself because of her start in life (attachment disorder.) Apparently the parents have been phoning each other up - the class teacher didn't even approve of their behaviour. My dd was not invited to the latest party (even though the little boy came to hers) and the other children in the class took their party clothes to school to change into. My daughter came out of school saying the little boy forgot to put her on his list but that she could still go (I know she was deliberately not invited because the mum is the ringleader of the group of parents.) I feel like having a word with the parents. I don't know if they know that my daughter is adopted and I feel like shaming them by telling them about her awful start in life. I wouldn't because it's her personal life story but what should I say? When I think of my little girl being excluded from parties, tears come to my eyes. I'm sure I couldn't do that to any child, whatever their behaviour was like.

DS2 is on the autistic spectrum. He can be stubborn, very pedantic, misses emotional cues, argues black is white but at school the thing most kids will pick up on is that he is young for his age and simply odd. He pretends to be an animal all the time - sometimes running around on all 4s the entire breaktime. In yr 4 most of his peers are beginnng to be interested in music, clothes, some of them even have boyfriends and girlfriends - DS is in a different world to them. It leads to mild bullying, he has been pushed over i the playground a few times, I know that he isn't invited to many parties. But he has a small core of good mates that 'get' him and he is comfortable with. I think that is what you need to concentrate on building up - find children that she seems keen on and ask her if she'd like to invite them to tea after school. Try to help her make some good friends - sod the rest of them.

Yep, Troll, just looked through, and you're all assertion, but no evidence of what the teacher has done wrong.

echt I did not and ever claim to have any evidance. I think this tit for tat is unhelpfull.

It is important, again in my opinion so we are clear as to not make claim to any evidance, that OP understands what to expect from the school in this case, It is always helpfull to question further. The OP had talked with the teacher yes, but in such a situation as she and her dd is experiencing, further discussion with the teacher, head and senco would be helpfull to accertain the true facts of how her dd is developing at school and how they continue to suppport her in the future.

I belive this should have been intitiated by the teacher, it does not appear to have happened from what OP has posted and I advice that the OP does do this.

No I am not saying that, what I am saying is that adoptions should not be brought into it at all, but the SN and detachment order are causing the issue.

There is an lot of adoption jokes bandied around without mug thought that are automatically linked to bad behaviour 'oh try are adopted' when they are not etc.

That's why I mentioned adoption not really needing to be mentioned, but the behaviour and the SN of the child.

But if you think I ant even have an opinion on that it's not ME who shouldn't be bothered with. Don't be so bloody narrow minded

That was for purple btw.

OP i'm a primary school teacher and i have taught several children both during my training and in my class who have attachment disorders.
i'm normally the first to stand up for other teachers, but in this case the parents, the children, your child and you are not the problem. the teacher is.

1. She is not just telling you that there has been complaints but that the parents have been phoning each other up. why did she feel the need to tell you this? i've had similar problems and would never dream of saying that to the parents, the only possible outcome would be the parent and child feeling more excluded. why would she want that?

2. letting the majority of the children getting changed for a party at school (not on in itself imo) knowing that a child who has social difficulties has not been invited! i'm sorry but she has no understanding whatsoever. terrible decision. it instantly brings doubts to my mind about how she is helping your child to make friends in the class.

3. i believe i read that there had only been a couple of incidents that were worth the teacher complaining, and to me those incidents do not equal to what the teacher is saying about the parents complaints. my inkling, the 'complaints' are exaggerated and it has probably just been the odd parents saying "just letting you know that xxxx happened yesterday, just making you aware".

i'm sorry OP but i think you should move your daughter to a school that is more understanding of her needs. the teacher should be focusing on helping her make friends not saying daft things that will exclude you and her further. i honestly think they are not used to dealing with children with difficult behaviour and are hoping that you will move her. don't get into a battle with them, for now focus on your daughter and just find the right school for her.

as for the party, probably nothing to do with parents excluding her, more likely due to a combination of an atmosphere between the parents and you, which hasn't been helped by the teacher, and friendships between the children themselves. also if your child's behaviour can be a bit difficult, maybe they were worried that you were just going to drop her off and go and they would struggle with her behaviour.

it might not be a bad idea to say something to the parents. no details though, just gereal conversation. just along the lines of "we adopted xxx this long ago. she's finds some situations difficult but she has come on leaps and bounds and i am so proud of her". no need to say anything else, it might make them a bit more sensitive though.

good luck to you and your daughter x

Kayano - The difficulty is that attachment disorder is caused by neglect usually and/or abuse, and therefore it is mostly seen in adopted/fostered children. If OP's daughter was her birth child then she wouldn't have attachment disorder because OP would not have neglected her. Adoption is pretty much synonymous with neglect and abuse now, and so it's relevent to this conversation

Attachment disorder does affect nearly all areas of life, but even so it might actually be the adoption/foster care moves that are contributing to some of her difficulties as well. So again, relevent

But that's just it

Adoption is not always related to neglect an abuse, not all adopted children have detachment disorder

It is relevant to this conversation absolutely but I don't see why the baying crowd of mums need to know about the adoption per se, just that the child has special needs

I haven't had time to read the whole thread but whilst I fully undersstand how difficult it must be for you could it be that you are underestimating how your dds behaviour is affecting other children? At my ds school in his class is a boy who has issues caused through adoption and I hvae really really tried to be supportive but he upsets my son, disrupts lessons and hurts other children. His parents seem to think it is much less serious than it is. Many other parents have discussed him (and I have tried to defend him) simply because they are worried about their own children

nomorethantwo. Ten out of ten for a perfect post! Says what I would say just better.

I think this is two different issues here really. One being the usual old not getting invited to parties one. Excluding one child is really rotten, but it happens, because we're not all the same and don't all think the same. Don't make a big deal out of it to your DD, and take her out for a special treat of her own if it happens again. It'll probably be someone else's turn to be left out next time. Isn't that what being in primary school is like (unfortunately)?

And secondly, I don't know much about adoption, other than I couldn't do it, and I have utmost admiration for those that can and do. However, couldn't almost any circumstance be included here? My DS had a difficult start in life, as did my husband, due to a genetic 'disfigurement' (HATE that word, but it's the PC one apparently). My husband was horrifically bullied, and even now when he's playing team sports it makes my blood boil to hear grown men using it to taunt him to make themselves feel 'big'. I hope against hope my son doesn't go through the same as he grows up.....but I'm also realistic that he might. I also hope he never uses it as an excuse for not achieving, for bad behaviour, for wanting pity, for bullying others. Because surely in some way we all have a cross to bear? Surely kids will always be picked on for something? It's how you deal with it, and it can be character building. It can't be used as an excuse in my opinion, and it's up to us as parents to help them, even if sometimes it hurts like he'll to seem uncaring and say 'ignore it', or to punish the bad behaviour even when we know it was provoked or can understand why it occurred.

Anyway, just what I think.

Nomorethan2thankyou - fantastic post.

Hell not he'll!

Thegrandold there are different difficult starts and different disabilities and differnt personal experiences. They canot all be compared to reach the same out come. Your husbansd and your Ds esperience is different to the OPs experience.

The op's daughter has had the type of difficult start that has effected her developing as most other would in a cognitive and neorological way, this does effect her behaviour, the delay in her development is most probably the reason/cause for alot of her difficult behaviour.

I dont think the issue should be is it an excusse or is it a reason, It is the support that is in place that is important.

Of course the specialist support is necessary for whatever the difficulty is, but that is down to the relevant support workers, not the other parents.
I'm merely talking about the issue of feeling like the child is being bullied in class through being left out etc. As that's all I have experience of.

i agree that is not down to the other parets

The grandoldduke - bullying due to a disfigurement is very different from having an attachment disorder though. An attachment disorder isn't about 'having a cross to bear' it's about what the child has learned in their very earliest months about being able to rely (or not) on the people around them. It's not about responses to other children today, it's about what happened to them as very small children. It can't be compared with other types of misbehaviour.

Why did the parents not do the adult thing and have a word with you?

yes smacks of parent bullying to me.

"It's not about responses to other children today, it's about what happened to them as very small children."

To the other children being responded to, it is very much about what is happening today.

You can't expect a class of 7 year olds to take on the burden of a peer's attachment disorder.

I agree with nomorethantwo. The school - or at least the teacher - seem to be the biggest problem.

There is no way that a teacher should let children get changed in school time for a party not all have been invited to. And even if she thought they were invited she needs to make sure they were all able to go before it is referred to in class.

There could be a child who couldn't go because he was visiting granny in hospital or whatever.

Op - is the teacher next year any better in your view?

At which point though do you stop saying 'because of 'x', they behave like this'? Is it something that you carry on until adulthood?

I am being VERY general here, and of course some issues are not easily dealt with or solved, but you can't define a person by their attachment issues, mental health issues, dyslexia, disability, whatever it is, forever.

Well...the prognosis for attachment disorder is actually poor. Unfortunately, the majority with AD's will be affected as adults. It's not really 'defining' by the disorder, as understanding why they might never manage relationships or friendships very well. There are lots of things that make up a human, but an attchment disorder does have a big influence on a person

I have met one child with serious AD, and unfortunately I would in some ways define that child by their disorder, because it was so all pervading. What was there of that child aside from their disorder? Not a great deal. Not that that's relelvent to the OP

My son is dyslexic, he will always be dyslexic. So he will always have some issues with processing the written word and getting his thoughts on paper. That is never going to change.
He has had a lot of help. That means he can handle the written word a lot better than he would have done without that help. He has also learnt coping strategies, for example using a computer.
Similarly a child may have a physical disability, they will never be able to for example climb trees, even though years of physio will have helped them overcome their disability to a large amount. It could even be that this physical disability was caused by someone elses actions, unfortunately they cannot necessarily be "cured".

Some people will always have to live with their "issue" which may include attachment issues. It can be a life long thing. With love and care they may turn out much better than might have been thought. They may even be able to have good relationships, but it is likely that they will always having underlying issues, not everything can be cured.

Yes the OPs DD needs to learn how to cope in difficult situations. However in order to do so she needs understanding and support from those around her.

Unfortunately it doesn't sound as if the school is being particularly supportive.

OP so sorry you will have to have read some of the posts here - I'm quite frankly shocked at certain people's attitudes.

Nothing really to add but sounds like you are doing a brilliant job and wish you and your daughter the best of luck. With a mum like you I have no doubts all will be fine.

Good post mummytime.
I lost count of the number of people who thought DS was growing out of his Asperger's.
No, you plonkers, his coping strategies are getting better. He is still an Aspie and always will be.