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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have reactedly very badly to this...

154 replies

GonePostal · 15/07/2012 22:36

Mahoosive row with DH tonight.

Background: we socialise a lot with two couples, and have been friends for donkeys. DH told me yesterday that the two boys were coming over for a drink tonight to discuss a hobby shared by the three DHs.

I assumed that the girls were stuck looking after the kids. I was looking forward to seeing the guys. As it came to the time they were due to arrive, I was tidying up, chatting to DH about the fact that our only meal this evening would be the nibbles we were putting out. I put a bit of slap on.

I nip up to give the baby a bath and say I'll be done by the time they arrive. Come downstairs, DH hands me a glass of wine and I try to bring it and our baby to the room set up for the get together. It's already past the time the guys were due to arrive.

DH says "you're not coming in here are you?" and it turns out that this was intended to be a boys get together to which I'm not invited. So the plan is for me to hide a separate room while they have fun next door.

I felt surprised, embarrassed, excluded and I didn't react well at all, getting very emotional. We rowed. Many horrible things were said. The doorbell went and he told our friends we were arguing and sent them away.

He now says I "deliberately" ruined his evening and is drinking himself into oblivion.

WIBU?

OP posts:
gordyslovesheep · 15/07/2012 22:38

what is with the men here tonight - he is being a twat YANBU and I would ... leave the bastard

CaliforniaLeaving · 15/07/2012 22:39

He's being a nob. He should have made it clear from the beginning that it was him and the lads, and asked you nicely to find something else to do, not wait till the last second. Tell him to grow up.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 15/07/2012 22:40

He told your friends you were arguing and sent them away... ??? How socially inept is he normally??

If they wanted a 'boys only' night them they should have gone out or he should have told you that was the plan and asked if you minded them doing it at your house.

He is being a total twat - any idea why?

ThereBeDragons · 15/07/2012 22:41

You're not in any way being unreasonable and he is lucky that he is not wearing the nibbles as a hat - it's really horrible to be excluded from something, and if it was so important that they discussed their hobby in private they should have found a time and a place that was not your house when you had to stay in for childcare. Good luck tonight - remember that his immature behaviour is not your responsibility.

yellowraincoat · 15/07/2012 22:41

YANBU OP

If he wanted to just hang around with his male friends, he should have made that very clear.

But anyway, I don't see why he would exclude you like that. Horrible.

Catsdontcare · 15/07/2012 22:41

I think you over reacted but he was a dick for sending his friends away and spoilt his own night!

Tangointhenight · 15/07/2012 22:42

Would you not have felt like a gooseberry though?? I wouldn't think of hanging out with my dhs friends even if they were sort of my friends too!Sorry but I think YABU, sometimes boys just wanna have fun without their wives and vice versa, I'd tell my DH to get lost if he acted like a gooseberry!

WipsGlitter · 15/07/2012 22:43

Well.... It's not unreasonable for him to have a night to himself. When my book group met here (or indeed at any of our meetings) DPs were generally "banished" to other rooms!! Did you really want to sit and listen to them talk about their hobby?

Your DP did act like a prat though, sending them away was a bit ott.

attheendoftheday · 15/07/2012 22:43

If he wanted to socialise without you (which I think is a bit odd anyway unless you're in the habit of taking the piss out of their hobby or something) they should have gone out. It is VVU to ban you from part of your own home.

OAM2009 · 15/07/2012 22:44

Sunday night blues? We have our worst rows on Sunday nights - he doesn't want to go back to work and I don't want him to either - I want him to stay and help me with the kids. We're both bad-tempered and every little thing becomes a massive issue.

It does seem a bit U to exclude you...but did he think you understood it was boys only?

Sorry, I'm being a bit wishy-washy Sad

yellowraincoat · 15/07/2012 22:45

God, I'm friends with my partner's friends as well, if they banished me to another room to chat about their stuff, I'd be pretty angry. I mean, I'd probably leave them to it for a bit, but then, so might my partner.

fireice · 15/07/2012 22:47

I think that you overreacted, and I don't know why you would have assumed that you would be spending the evening with the 3 guys. If you have some of your female friends coming round for the evening would you expect your DH to be there without discussing with you whether it was a good idea?

Sallyingforth · 15/07/2012 22:47

*DH told me yesterday that the two boys were coming over for a drink tonight to discuss a hobby shared by the three DHs.

I assumed ...*

From what you say (we haven't heard his side) it was probably 50/50.

It's not worth having an almighty row over, and I hope you can kiss and make up.

PuppyMonkey · 15/07/2012 22:48

What is this mysterious hobby?

I have to say, I think you overreacted tbh. I thought you were going to say you found out the two wives were going out on the piss without you or something. Then I could understand your upset.

JumpingThroughHoops · 15/07/2012 22:48

Ok, why would you want to sit with a load of blokes taking about their thing?

'lads night in' reads the same to me a 'girls night in' - ok so it's both your homes, but really people should be able to read between the lines as to the fact that one person in a relationship can have friends round without needing the other person there.

I can't think when I would want to be in a room with all my DHs mates, watching football and he sure as hell wouldnt want to be here on a soppy film and wine night.

Unless the night for your DH was going to get very raucous and loud, then I would have left them to it and taken the opportunity for a long bath and book

pictish · 15/07/2012 22:50

Totally agree with Jumping through hoops

squeakytoy · 15/07/2012 22:50

I would say you over-reacted, but he could have handled it better too.

PuppyMonkey · 15/07/2012 22:51

Is the hobby stamp collecting?

shinecrazydiamond · 15/07/2012 22:51

If his friends were coming over to discuss their hobby why did you want to sit in with them anyway? Do you share this hobby too?

Sounds like six of one etc etc to me.

Heavensmells · 15/07/2012 22:52

If I have my female mates round at mine then I'd rather my dp in another room tbh.

KissMyEmbroideryHoop · 15/07/2012 22:54

What Jumping said.

I would v thought it was a boys night in....though we have those when the other has something else to do. I suspect you felt silly about the misunderstanding and so got more angry than was warranted. But he was an ase to send the away.

Original poster
GonePostal · 15/07/2012 22:55

I don't mind him having his own nights out with the boys. Really I don't.

It was the last minute exclusion from something that wasn't obviously or explicitly a boys-only thing. A courtesy issue rather than a problem with him having an independent social life.

He thinks I have "a problem" in assuming that I'd be included in the get together where there were no other girls. That I am in "cloud cuckoo land". That it would have been "embarrassing" if I had pulled up the chair as I'd intended.

I can't be the only person who (given the venue) would have assumed sm invite?

OP posts:
attheendoftheday · 15/07/2012 22:55

I surprised everyone seems so gender-divided in their friendships. The op said they were friends with 2 couples, not that she was friends with the two women and her partner was friends with the two men.

If my partner invited two of our mutual friends around I would be surprised and hurt if they expected me to stay in another room and not see them.

PuppyMonkey · 15/07/2012 22:55

Trainspotting?

KissMyEmbroideryHoop · 15/07/2012 22:55

Also...why bring the baby into what's an adults evening in?

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