Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have reactedly very badly to this...

154 replies

GonePostal · 15/07/2012 22:36

Mahoosive row with DH tonight.

Background: we socialise a lot with two couples, and have been friends for donkeys. DH told me yesterday that the two boys were coming over for a drink tonight to discuss a hobby shared by the three DHs.

I assumed that the girls were stuck looking after the kids. I was looking forward to seeing the guys. As it came to the time they were due to arrive, I was tidying up, chatting to DH about the fact that our only meal this evening would be the nibbles we were putting out. I put a bit of slap on.

I nip up to give the baby a bath and say I'll be done by the time they arrive. Come downstairs, DH hands me a glass of wine and I try to bring it and our baby to the room set up for the get together. It's already past the time the guys were due to arrive.

DH says "you're not coming in here are you?" and it turns out that this was intended to be a boys get together to which I'm not invited. So the plan is for me to hide a separate room while they have fun next door.

I felt surprised, embarrassed, excluded and I didn't react well at all, getting very emotional. We rowed. Many horrible things were said. The doorbell went and he told our friends we were arguing and sent them away.

He now says I "deliberately" ruined his evening and is drinking himself into oblivion.

WIBU?

OP posts:
QuacksForDoughnuts · 15/07/2012 22:56

It isn't unreasonable for anyone to want either a single-sex gathering or to spend time talking about their hobby (or doing it) with people who share it. It is highly unreasonable for someone to ban their partner from part of his or her home, especially if their partner doesn't have the opportunity to go out and especially if there was no prior consultation. My OH sometimes has a friend over to play warhammer and so on. I am happy to stay largely out of the way and not gatecrash. However, if he/they actually ordered me to stay out of the relevant room I would be heartily pissed off.

NorksAreMessy · 15/07/2012 22:56

How long have you been married?
If DH has friends over, I see this as my cue to get the hell outta there, relax with some mags, a face pack and a bar of chocolate. I don't go anywhere near them
They fart,drink, tell rude jokes, eat chips at midnight, fall over, listen to prog rock and have a brilliant time.
I do NOT need to be involved

PuppyMonkey · 15/07/2012 22:56

Yes but they came round to discuss the hobby, not socialise. The hobby is the crux of this matter, can't you all see?

shinecrazydiamond · 15/07/2012 22:57

I think it would have been a little bit embarrassing for you though? Sort of. To sit there as they discussed their hobby- which he'd said they were going to.

I think he was over reacting to send them away however

attheendoftheday · 15/07/2012 22:57

I would be very angry if I thought my dp found me embarrassing. Can you check with him if that's right?

PuppyMonkey · 15/07/2012 22:58

Do they dress as characters from Star Trek?

DumSpiroSpero · 15/07/2012 22:58

Also agree with Jumping Through Hoops. I would assume that if a few of DH's mates were coming round without their partners, it was a 'boy thing' and have a long bath or whatever and leave them to it.

That said, he could have made it clearer what the situation was if that's not your normal MO.

My DH has a monthly boys night, and they shut themselves in the dining room to play cards, booze and listen to cheesy 90's music, and I leave them to get on with it. Similarly he knows that the Friday nearest my birthday every year is his cue to bugger off for the night so I can have the girls round! Grin

PissyDust · 15/07/2012 22:59

Why would you want to be with them whilst they talk about their hobbie?

I'm really sorry but I think YUBU. He has invited his friends around for the night and you assumed you could sit in.

I would not want to be listening to their converation, you had wine, I would have gone upstairs and phoned a friend got on mn

JumpingThroughHoops · 15/07/2012 22:59

Being friends with the couples is irrelevant. Every relationship has its own dynamics. We are friends with couples - I still wouldnt lurk about expecting to be treated as 'one of the boys' if there was a gathering to watch football, any more then DH would decide he needed his eyelashes permed if the wives came round for the evening.

I think you're both a bit non communicative really.

What is this hobby that needs discussing?

ValentineBombshell · 15/07/2012 23:00

Would have said: "Garden shed that way"

ThereBeDragons · 15/07/2012 23:00

I'm with you attheendoftheday - it's like being back at school! I don't get how any adult in the house could be asked to sit in the kitchen during a social event , it's really really rude and has nothing to do with either gender or the 'chosen topic of conversation' (whatever the mysterious hobby is; dungeons and dragons?)

Anomaly · 15/07/2012 23:01

As long as it's not all the time is there really anything wrong with having a night in with you mates and expecting your OH to occupy themselves elsewhere?

The other week my DH kindly stayed upstairs and out the way (and managed the kids) while I had a few mates round for the evening.

I think YABU to expect in on a boys night in but I think he should have been clearer about what he had planned. He was silly to send his mates away.

fireice · 15/07/2012 23:01

attheendoftheday

It is a bit cringey for the OP to have assumed she was going to be at the boys night in, maybe thats what the DH meant?

Lougle · 15/07/2012 23:02

If he'd said 'the boys are coming over' you would not be unreasonable.

If he specifically said 'the boys are coming over to discuss

PuppyMonkey · 15/07/2012 23:03

Is it astronomy?

PurplePidjin · 15/07/2012 23:03

I would expect to be included unless specifically, and politely, requested to make myself scarce. I would also expect notice (even just a few hours so i could make other arrangements)

Dp and i have both done this by arrangement. To be expecting guests, then be told to piss off to bed on 5 minutes warning, would seriously wind me up!!

NorksAreMessy · 15/07/2012 23:03

I really need to know what the hobby was

xkittyx · 15/07/2012 23:04

I wouldn't have thought for an instant I wasn't welcome, either. My DH always likes to drag me along to his hobby. If his hobby-friend comes over I tend to vanish off but I'd always have a chat first, would seem a bit rude to just totally hide away if a guest comes round!

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 15/07/2012 23:06

My dh used to have mates round every week for an Xbox night. It was tremendous fun. Sometimes we would go to another chaps house for a change. Don't remember anyone ever inferring that I shouldn't be there. Sometimes the girlfriend of one of them came too. Was great times!

Is your dh always this dim?

Signet2012 · 15/07/2012 23:07

Sounds like a misunderstanding to me but he was a bit OTT sending them away!

Mine regularly has the lads over, I'm "allowed" to hang out with them but to be honest I generally feck off elsewhere to watch TV or read. A bath is out because we only have one bathroom and I don't fancy one of them bowling in to have a pee whilst I am sat beaching relaxing.

They talk shite, play on their guitars, drink beer and get generally more annoying as the night goes on. Then there is the handshake good bye takes fifteen minutes and I'm that amazing I even run them home! Apparently this makes me a "legend" They all make me quite welcome but I take my cue that this is not a night for me and go elsewhere.

Don't fall out over it OP - So he was an idiot and made you feel excluded, you thought it was ok to include yourself. Just ask for it to be clearer next time and if you are not happy about being excluded then maybe talk about a compromise?

I dunno, It doesn't seem a big deal to me, certainly nothing worth a big massive row over.

shinyblackgrape · 15/07/2012 23:10

Yes - what is the hobby??

Im sorry you felt like this. However, I luuuurrrvvee time on my own so I wouldn't be bothered about this. That said, DH would be fine with me sitting in on a boys' night. Albeit with a slightly bemused look on his facecc

Xmasbaby11 · 15/07/2012 23:11

I wouldn't have assumed an invite as you said they were discussing a hobby that the three of them (ie not you) had in common. Not sure why you'd be so keen to be part of it, to be honest? I wouldn't hide - i would have a bit of a chat at some point during the evening but since it sounds very specific, I wouldn't imagine I'd be able to contribute to their discussion and would have something better to do.

I think you overreacted, yes, but DH much mroe so and I find it strange that DH didn't make it clear to you. Do you normally do everything together? Woudl he have been involved if your female friends had come over?

ThePigOnTheWall · 15/07/2012 23:11

I think he handled it badly but I think you really over reacted OP

I think I would have a quick drink with them, say hello, chat for a while and then make myself scarce. They were meeting to talk about their hobby. And I don't get all this joined-at-the-hip stuff. I don't feel unloved or excluded if DP wants to see his mates

Shelby2010 · 15/07/2012 23:12

Both BU. Correct protocol would be to have a chat/drink wine with the friends for 10 mins and then wander off to a different part of thehouse to watch TV/read, whatever. OH was totally out of order with the way he handled it, as it could all have been done without you feeling excluded in your own home. But you were UR to expect to sit in on a boys night in. If I have a girls night in, I would never tell DH he wasn't 'allowed' in the room. In fact he is more than welcome to bring more wine/nibbles etc.... but at the same time I wouldn't expect him to park his bum & start watching the chick flick with us - and he wouldn't want to! The same rules should apply to a boys' night.

Original poster
GonePostal · 15/07/2012 23:12

I don't mind him having his own nights out with the boys. Really I don't.

It was the last minute exclusion from something that wasn't obviously or explicitly a boys-only thing. A courtesy issue rather than a problem with him having an independent social life.

He thinks I have "a problem" in assuming that I'd be included in the get together where there were no other girls. That I am in "cloud cuckoo land". That it would have been "embarrassing" if I had pulled up the chair as I'd intended.

I can't be the only person who (given the venue) would have assumed sm invite?

OP posts: