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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have reactedly very badly to this...

154 replies

GonePostal · 15/07/2012 22:36

Mahoosive row with DH tonight.

Background: we socialise a lot with two couples, and have been friends for donkeys. DH told me yesterday that the two boys were coming over for a drink tonight to discuss a hobby shared by the three DHs.

I assumed that the girls were stuck looking after the kids. I was looking forward to seeing the guys. As it came to the time they were due to arrive, I was tidying up, chatting to DH about the fact that our only meal this evening would be the nibbles we were putting out. I put a bit of slap on.

I nip up to give the baby a bath and say I'll be done by the time they arrive. Come downstairs, DH hands me a glass of wine and I try to bring it and our baby to the room set up for the get together. It's already past the time the guys were due to arrive.

DH says "you're not coming in here are you?" and it turns out that this was intended to be a boys get together to which I'm not invited. So the plan is for me to hide a separate room while they have fun next door.

I felt surprised, embarrassed, excluded and I didn't react well at all, getting very emotional. We rowed. Many horrible things were said. The doorbell went and he told our friends we were arguing and sent them away.

He now says I "deliberately" ruined his evening and is drinking himself into oblivion.

WIBU?

OP posts:
bejeezus · 16/07/2012 06:55

Yes. But I wouldn't expect him to go away or ask him

And no, no body would be Hmm about it..he would usually just have had other stuff to do

Also, if I was expecting it to be 'girls only' I would have warned him, so he could make other plans.

It certainly wouldn't ne the default expectation that he was unwelcome

fireice · 16/07/2012 07:06

It sounds from what you say like your DH has got a good balance around this type of thing, so that assumptions arent made?

Original poster
GonePostal · 16/07/2012 07:12

It was a miscommunication and I've apologised for my overreaction. But in my defence, DH told me that they were going to be doing a specific organisational task which I thought would take 10mins.

OP posts:
fireice · 16/07/2012 07:15

Hopefully you can get the other stuff sorted out satisfactorily.

minibmw2010 · 16/07/2012 07:34

I'm glad you're talking again, even if it means other things have been raised (Sad), BUT I would never accept DH expecting me to 'leave them to it' if he had friends around. Our house is exactly that, ours !!! I'm not going to be banished to the kitchen or to bed early like some 1950s housewife ... I may decide to go to bed early but that'll be through choice not force, Pah ....

exoticfruits · 16/07/2012 07:44

I regularly have women's groups around, eg a book group. DH goes into a different room and we have a small house. Of course he leaves us to it - why is it a problem? It is only about twice a year.

conorsrockers · 16/07/2012 07:45

Have to admit, I was Hmm when you said you'd put the slap on - for your husband's mates? Really?
C'mon - of course YABU. I'm not surprised he was pissed off - he shouldn't need to spell it out if two of his mates are coming round to discuss something THEY share.... I wouldn't have even considered trying (or wanting) to get involved - I'd be bored to tears!
I think you should apologise - you are not pre-menstrual are you? Confused

Original poster
GonePostal · 16/07/2012 07:51

Conorsrockers

Read the thread.

I have apologised.

Please also note that they are my mates too.

Thanks for the extra criticism about how I get ready when friends come over (mascara, bit of blusher to stop me looking like death warmed up). Just what I need when I'm having a shitty time.

And, really, pre-menstrual? Really? Hmm

OP posts:
conorsrockers · 16/07/2012 07:56

Gone - I have now - glad you managed to sort it out.
That was a bit tongue in cheek - didn't mean to sound nasty Wink but, yes, I was surprised you'd put makeup on as your DH's friends were coming round to talk about their hobby. Just seemed a bit weird (to me) - but that's just me!!!

solidgoldbrass · 16/07/2012 08:06

I read your other thread first, OP. And now I think your H is even more of an arse, and the root of his resentment is that you don't behave like a Proper Woman ie you are not obedient and submissive enough and you don't prioritize his every little whim above everything else. He wants you to Know Your Place ie be his smiling servant. That's what this row was about - you thinking that you're a human being.

iscream · 16/07/2012 08:28

I would have not expected to hang out with them when they were coming over specifically to talk about something.

I think your dh was really rude to you though, it was a communication error, from where I sit.
Hope you are feeling better now OP.

paradisechick · 16/07/2012 08:30

I must admit I did cringe a little at the thought of you rushing around making food and putting make up on.

Over reaction and miscommunication on both sides. I'd be raging at him telling your friends to go away because you were arguing. That's embarrassing and he's made you look hysterical'.

cuntflapwankbadger · 16/07/2012 08:48

YABU. I would assume if it's just the boys coming then it's a boys night and I wouldn't want to intrude.

It got a bit blown out if proportion by the two of ye in the end.

Chooster · 16/07/2012 09:18

On the basis that it was explained that they were coming over to discuss the hobby then you were being unreasonable about assuming it was a social evening for you too. It would have changed the dynamic of the evening if you were sitting there as, assuming they are nice polite people, they would have needed to include you and make sure you didn't feel left out.... not the evening your dh planned I would think! But he was unreasonable sending the friends away.... embarrassing

bejeezus · 16/07/2012 09:48

I must admit I did cringe a little at the thought of you rushing around making food and putting make up on

jeez Hmm

SomethingSuitablyWitty · 16/07/2012 10:03

Well, I haven't seen your other thread yet OP, but I think you have been given a hard time on this one. My DH has had his friends (male halves of couple friends) over sometimes to watch football etc. I might not choose to actually go to such a get-together in someone else's place, but I would be absolutely flabbergasted if DH wanted me to make myself scarce from my own living room. These friends are people you know and like - I'm sure it's mutual. They would probably want to see you and the baby and have a chat with you. Maybe you would have hit the sack early and left them to it, but it should have been entirely up to you in your own home. I think your DH was really unkind and unpleasant.

DeWe · 16/07/2012 10:21

But it's nothing to do with gender.
He was having his friends round to talk about their hobby.

If dh has his (mixed gender) music group round to talk about music. I would not expect to be present.
If I have my (mixed gender) discussion group here, dh will go and play on the lap top upstairs.

I have friends in the music group. Dh has some friends in the discussion group. I might ask him if he wanted to stay, but he wouldn't assume it. Either of us might come in on the end if people are generally chatting.

Op says that she assumed that they would talk about the hobby for 10 minutes then general catch up. I suspect that might be part of the problem. She's expecting a general talk. They want to talk about their hobby. Nothing more irritating than someone sitting on the side saying "friend 1, did you see the TV programme..." when you're wanting to discuss something that's important to you, and not to them.

kickingKcurlyC · 16/07/2012 10:39

They're your friends too. It's your house too.
I think if your DH wanted to have some time with men only, it'd have made sense to spell it out to you before, and really, to go out somewhere else.

Offred · 16/07/2012 10:40

I read the other thread first too and am completely agog at the responses here and that you have apologised for being unreasonable!!! Obviously I hope you haven't apologised for being upset but hopefully only for things you may have said in anger?!

I absolutely cannot believe the number of people on this thread spouting, frankly, absolute shit about football and eyelash curling!! I am a person before I'm a woman, if I want to see my friends by myself (both male and female ones) I go out, I would be disgusted with anyone who suggested that I should have "the girls" round for a "soppy film" and that DH would have to sit by himself in the kitchen periodically waiting on us with nibbles and drinks! Just what kind of miserable sexist people are you? How selfish? What the hell is wrong with going out if you want privacy? Why should you expect your spouse would go elsewhere in their own home when mutual friends came round?! That is completely totally unreasonable. Apart from anything else it clearly is not the understanding that the op has in her relationship. What is fundamentally unreasonable about this, even if you believe in the gender divide and "bloke/girl time" is that this rule of the dh's was not understood or articulated, that he was happy to have her run about doing the prep like a slave then sit the whole night having a laugh while she was in the other room alone, that he tripped her up by exposing the secret rule at the last minute then ruined the night he had planned even though she was going to bed and then blamed her for it.

I cannot believe the crap about equality either. What a dickhead! What could you possibly love about this abusive twat? Not even sure he is really depressed after reading this, he just sounds abusive tbh.

Sallyingforth · 16/07/2012 10:43

Well that's one point of view...

cuntflapwankbadger · 16/07/2012 10:46

I cannot believe the crap about equality either. What a dickhead! What could you possibly love about this abusive twat? Not even sure he is really depressed after reading this, he just sounds abusive tbh.

Brilliant, just brilliant Grin

Cluffyfunt · 16/07/2012 10:49

I luff my DH a little more after reading some of the responses Shock

Neither DH or I would expect (or particularly want) the other to hide away because we had friends of either gender ( or mixed gender who shared a common hobby).

What is your DH into op?
Is it MI5?!

Both DH and I are happy for the other to go out alone, but if people come to our house they can expect to see us both If we are home.

This reminds me of arguments my Dsis used to have when one of us had friends from school round.
My DM used to tell us all to play nicely or none of us would have friends round at all.
My Dsis and I grew out of childishly trying to exclude the other by the time we were about 10ish.

Op, would you like my DM to have a word with your DH?

Offred · 16/07/2012 10:57

More seriously it sounds like what he may be doing is continuously setting you up to be in the wrong op, making you responsible for all his ills without you even knowing, perhaps bad mouthing you to his friends "no her indoors won't let me out" without even mentioning that there has been an invite then "she has kicked off about you coming over" when the men came over the other day. He also does this to the children "only the eldest makes me happy" which makes it clear that his love is conditional on what you all provide for him. I suspect there is no way you could achieve the giving of his love because I don't think he sounds interested in how you feel, and that, coupled with the fact he absolutely refuses to do anything to improve the situation and belittles you when you get desperate and want a break, is what makes me think the prognosis for the relationship is not good. Whether he loves you or not or you love him or not is not really the issue. He is not respecting you and your relationship is unhappy.

SomethingSuitablyWitty · 16/07/2012 11:00

Laughed at Cluffy and the MI5 "hobby". I actually totally agree that this sounds like how I used to feel about my siblings joining in when I was playing with visiting friends. I had to accept it then and this is how families work.

OoOoOoOo · 16/07/2012 11:05

This thread is in danger of being sidelined, the morals of whether or not it is acceptable to want to see friends without your partner is all very interesting but not relevant or helpful to the OP. Who is right in this situation doesn't matter anymore. What matters is how she chooses to handle the current situation. Maybe, it's just a matter of both OP and her DP getting over the row, accepting that they don't communicate properly and that they need to be more considerate of each other in future.

I don't know about other MN'ers but my DH and I have got a lot better at this over the years. Almost to the point we hardly row. When the DC's were little I think we, like many others (I suspect) felt a bit overwhelmed and disconnected although always in love. The OP has clearly said she loves her DP I am not sure that posts telling her to ditch him are supportive.