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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have reactedly very badly to this...

154 replies

GonePostal · 15/07/2012 22:36

Mahoosive row with DH tonight.

Background: we socialise a lot with two couples, and have been friends for donkeys. DH told me yesterday that the two boys were coming over for a drink tonight to discuss a hobby shared by the three DHs.

I assumed that the girls were stuck looking after the kids. I was looking forward to seeing the guys. As it came to the time they were due to arrive, I was tidying up, chatting to DH about the fact that our only meal this evening would be the nibbles we were putting out. I put a bit of slap on.

I nip up to give the baby a bath and say I'll be done by the time they arrive. Come downstairs, DH hands me a glass of wine and I try to bring it and our baby to the room set up for the get together. It's already past the time the guys were due to arrive.

DH says "you're not coming in here are you?" and it turns out that this was intended to be a boys get together to which I'm not invited. So the plan is for me to hide a separate room while they have fun next door.

I felt surprised, embarrassed, excluded and I didn't react well at all, getting very emotional. We rowed. Many horrible things were said. The doorbell went and he told our friends we were arguing and sent them away.

He now says I "deliberately" ruined his evening and is drinking himself into oblivion.

WIBU?

OP posts:

OoOoOoOo · 15/07/2012 23:31

In theory, what should have happened is that the boys would come round, they would all be cheery and pleasant with you, you would stay and chitchat for a little while, say ten mins, and then you would excuse yourself, they would pretend to be sorry to see you go. The moment the door closes behind you they would all breath an audible sigh of relief and instantly get down to their boys business. This would be with absolutely no ill will towards you.

Unfortunately, this is not how it went and it seems to me you were insensitive as was your husband. All that matters now is how you get things back on track.

YA both BU

Hope this blows over soon.

Mamamaiasaura · 15/07/2012 23:31

Oh and YABU sorry

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 15/07/2012 23:32

What's the hoooooobbbbbbbbbbbbyyyyyyyyy though?

Mamamaiasaura · 15/07/2012 23:32

oOOO is right

ImperialBlether · 15/07/2012 23:33

I think assumptions were made on both parts. Your husband should have said, "The lads are coming round so we'll be in the living room talking the hobby. You don't mind, do you?" Then you would have known 'we' didn't mean you.

Then you could have said, "Does that mean it's a boys only night?" and he would then have said, "Sorry, you know you'll find it boring."

Sorted.

50shadesofslapntickle · 15/07/2012 23:36

Bloody hell, why are so many people making it about male/female divide?! The poor bloke just wanted to get tog with his mates and have a chin wag about his hobby, what's wrong with that and what is wrong with blokes just wanting to chat with their bloke mates sometimes?! Women like to chat with just other women sometimes, and sometimes with both men and women, so what? What is wrong with that?!

Rubirosa · 15/07/2012 23:36

I would have been suprised to be excluded from something in my own home! I suppose if DP had asked in advance it would be ok, but I would not be happy to be expected to make myself scarce at the last minute. Also, if I had friends over I wouldn't expect DP to hide away somewhere.

I guess maybe if you don't do the gender-segregation thing usually it's a bit of an odd concept, though obviously for some couples it appears to be the norm.

Original poster

GonePostal · 15/07/2012 23:37

ThePig - my initial reaction was "are you fucking kidding me" and he tried to talk me round. I didn't want to get into it as I thought the guys would be arriving any moment and told him to leave me alone .

He said I was weird for assuming that I'd be included. He said he's constantly declining invitations because he feels under the thumb. He listed various drinking opportunities he's turned down without me knowing. I said he should go - I don't have a problem with them, I'd rather that than simmering resentment and martyrdom.

I told him it wasn't about that, it was about the rudeness of being disinvited at the last minute from something I had thought I was included in.

I felt embarrassed at the guys turning up and seeing me in a state. It was past nine do I said I was going to bed. He started on about me ruining the evening, we argued about the assumption. There was lots of too-and-fro about how he turns down social stuff and me telling him not to lay that at my door.

He generally thinks I hold him to too high a standard, that I don't live in the real world by assuming and demanding equality. He's not happy.

OP posts:

creativepebble · 15/07/2012 23:38

I think you're getting a hard time on here Gone. Your husband was being UR and childish. He was probably getting all excited about discussing fishing tackle/role play costumes/whatever and it threw him that you were there just before they arrived. You helped set it up and had a chat about the fact it was your dinner ffs, surely he didn't take this as you organising a play date for him or something?!

Your dh then made the whole situation so much worse (and I hope he feels suitably ridiculous now) by sending them away. He could have asked if you wouldn't mind giving them some space at some stage of the evening in a respectful manner - and you would probably have done this anyway after about 10 minutes given that you are a highly attuned female who can take a hint.
No reason to row.

Having said this though, the exact same thing happened to me recently; my dh went really childish and Beavis and Butthead when he had a friend round. He was a shit to me so we had cross words then and there until I walked out, calmly, saying bye to his friend. It kicked off properly later, so we shall make it clear in future what's expected.

ImperialBlether · 15/07/2012 23:38

What are these social events he gets invited to that he doesn't mention at the time? Is he talking about odd pints down the pub?

ImperialBlether · 15/07/2012 23:40

To be fair, you weren't disinvited. You hadn't been invited. There were assumptions made on each side.

Original poster

GonePostal · 15/07/2012 23:42

Yes, odd pints, meals out with the boys.

He's said yes to a few of them and that's been fine with me but than he's missed them because of work.

I can't ever recall objecting to one.

OP posts:

Proudnscary · 15/07/2012 23:42

You are both utter loons.

Original poster

GonePostal · 15/07/2012 23:45

Should mention that he has a good social life at work - golf days, boozy lunches, office dos.

I know it's not the same as catching up with his friends but when he's doing the "poor me" bit it's not as though he's not also having lots of social stuff in his life.

OP posts:

ShadowsCollideWithPeople · 15/07/2012 23:45

Hmm. Splinters on my arse here. DP and I generally socialise with all of our friends - some couples, some with children, some single. It's usually just a free for all. However, the odd time, we both just want to hang out with our own buddies (people who have become both of our friends, but who really started out as his mates or my mates, iyswim).

So, sometimes, if I am having my mates around (not necessarily a 'girls' night, as some of my closest mates are blokes), DP will order a pizza, and bugger off to the spare room (which has a sofa, television etc) or to one of his mate's houses. Whilst my mates and I hang out in the sitting room, drink, eat take-out, talk shite.

Similarly, sometimes DP just wants his mates around - the blokes that he went to school with, and has been friends with for 20 odd years. Especially as one of them lives on the other side of the country and another lives in Germany. So they all get together very rarely. If they do, in our house, I will have a quick drink and catch-up with them, and then either head out to meet my own mates, or take a bottle of wine and my laptop into the spare room.

Separate socialising can be great. However, OP, your DH was being an arse by first of all telling his buddies that you had had a row (I don't ever like anyone to know the details of mine and DP's bickering), and second, by sending them away - talk about cutting off his nose to spite his face. Fecking martyrdom. Can't stand it.

Original poster

GonePostal · 15/07/2012 23:46

Proudnscary - made me . Yes, fairy nuff.

OP posts:

attheendoftheday · 15/07/2012 23:47

He thinks you hold him to too high a standard by expecting equality in your relationship? Wtf?

That's a bigger issue than your social arrangement. Ask him if he goes in for a bit of casual racism and homophobia while he's at it. He genuinely believes that due to the possession of a vagina you are worthy of less respect, less pleasure in life and fewer options than his penis-holding self? I would be having serious words on this issue. How about he holds himself to the same standard as any other decent human being and considers his life partner to be his equal?

Rant over.

ShadowsCollideWithPeople · 15/07/2012 23:48

Have probably cross-posted with everyone. I spend far too long proof-reading my posts!

creativepebble · 15/07/2012 23:51

Respect to attheendoftehday.

Vicky2011 · 16/07/2012 00:00

Astounded that people think its acceptable to ask your partner to "make themselves scarce" from their own living room. Just shows how different we all are.

I bet they all talk about "the wife" too. Ugh.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 16/07/2012 00:29

You share the house. It wouldn't occur to most people that they had to make themselves scarce from an area of their own home just because some mutual friends were coming around, even if it was to discus a specific hobby.

Surely that wasn't the only thing they talked about? And even if it were, how big is your house? How easy is it for you to still be comfortable in your own home (as in, not banished upstairs, still able to care for the baby as need be, watch TV, access the kitchen etc) and not interrupt them?

And he has no right to blame you for his turning down invitations you know nothing about and wouldn't have objected to if you did. That's his own doing. Years ago I had a boyfriend like this, he told some of his friends all these things about me and us, most of which they either never would have known if he hadn't told them, some of which was untrue, and then resented me because he then felt he looked stupid in their eyes. Perhaps he did, but it was all his own doing because he had chosen to tell them the things he did and I knew nothing about it. You can't be blamed for something you've never been told about.

Original poster

GonePostal · 16/07/2012 01:04

Thanks everyone.

I have apologised to DH for BU - and I can see that my assumption re our friends was at odds with the average world view.

But we have been having v depressing discussions for the last hour. It is miserable. I'm starting a new thread in relationships.

OP posts:

bejeezus · 16/07/2012 01:11

i cant believe the number of women on this thread who think OP is BU to assumed she was welcome at the soiree in her own home

fireice · 16/07/2012 06:44

bejeezus

I cant believe the number of people who seem to think that someone isn't entitled to meet with friends in their own home without their partner.

Do you never have female friends round and your DH doesnt hang about? Because if he always sits there I expect that your friends may be a bit about it.

50shadesofslapntickle · 16/07/2012 06:47

You were both being U - he probably feels hemmed in by you and yes, he reacted badly but he probably just wanted some space and feels you were butting in on his planned night in with these blokes. You were very presumptuous to think they would only spend ten minutes discussing their hobby - why would you think that when he told you that's what they were coming round for? You should have just left then to it but from what you have written you seem to have thought it was 'your' night even though if clearly wasn't.

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