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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have reactedly very badly to this...

154 replies

GonePostal · 15/07/2012 22:36

Mahoosive row with DH tonight.

Background: we socialise a lot with two couples, and have been friends for donkeys. DH told me yesterday that the two boys were coming over for a drink tonight to discuss a hobby shared by the three DHs.

I assumed that the girls were stuck looking after the kids. I was looking forward to seeing the guys. As it came to the time they were due to arrive, I was tidying up, chatting to DH about the fact that our only meal this evening would be the nibbles we were putting out. I put a bit of slap on.

I nip up to give the baby a bath and say I'll be done by the time they arrive. Come downstairs, DH hands me a glass of wine and I try to bring it and our baby to the room set up for the get together. It's already past the time the guys were due to arrive.

DH says "you're not coming in here are you?" and it turns out that this was intended to be a boys get together to which I'm not invited. So the plan is for me to hide a separate room while they have fun next door.

I felt surprised, embarrassed, excluded and I didn't react well at all, getting very emotional. We rowed. Many horrible things were said. The doorbell went and he told our friends we were arguing and sent them away.

He now says I "deliberately" ruined his evening and is drinking himself into oblivion.

WIBU?

OP posts:
Jajas · 15/07/2012 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jajas · 15/07/2012 23:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
GonePostal · 15/07/2012 23:14

Cross posts.

Maybe I was naive to make that assumption?! Shock

Outing the hobby might out me. It's not particularly boysy but isn't anything I get involved in. I thought there'd be 10 mins of hobby chat then a general catch up.

It's not that I need to sit in on his interactions with his friends, just that I consider them my friends too and they are fun. Was just looking forward to a good, funny chinwag.

OP posts:
fireice · 15/07/2012 23:15

Gonepostal - if you were having a few girls round and your DH had walked into the room with no prior discussion obviously intending to stay for the duration would that have been OK with you?

Jajas · 15/07/2012 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThePigOnTheWall · 15/07/2012 23:17

When you quote what he said to you, can you think of any slightly spiteful things you said to him in this row. You said "many horrible things" were said. I'm sure they weren't all on his side were they?

Things get said in rows that aren't always meant.

This sounds like a storm in a teacup to be honest!

ImperialBlether · 15/07/2012 23:19

Actually, OP, I think he was being quite reasonable up until the point when he sent his friends home.

He'd invited them for a boys night in. If you'd invited two of your female friends and your husband sat there joining in, wouldn't you feel that was a bit odd?

You knew they were going to talk about their mysterious hobby. You assumed talk would move towards general chat, but why did you assume that?

I would have chatted to them for ten minutes then made my excuses and gone upstairs for the evening, or into another room if you have one.

ImperialBlether · 15/07/2012 23:21

Just picturing the scene where you're with your friends saying in a low voice, "And then he said..." and your husband comes into the room and sits down, about to join in.

Gegging in is the expression, I believe.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 15/07/2012 23:21

It's one thing for them to come and talk about the hobby but another to expect you to avoid your own living room while they do it.

Perhaps you might prefer to spend your time MNing in another room but he shouldn't expect it of you.

It's not like you demanded to accompany them on a boys night out or anything, you just thought that since they were mutual friends coming to your house that you wouldn't be banished to another room for the duration.

I don't think YWBU to expect to spend time with them, especially as he was happy for you to tidy up and prepare things for them to eat when they arrived.

xkittyx · 15/07/2012 23:21

I'm really surprised at how many people seem to socialise along gender lines? We generally see other couples or a big mixed group.
Watching a chick flick would me my idea of an atrocious night in.

shinyblackgrape · 15/07/2012 23:22

WHAT IS THE HOBBY??!!

I am thinking medieval role play. Am imagining the friends clanking away in their chain mail. All despondent after being turned away at the door....... Grin

ImperialBlether · 15/07/2012 23:22

Yes, xkittyx, but they don't usually socialise along gender lines. It's just that when three men with a hobby make a plan to get together, it's usual to assume they'll want to be alone. In my opinion.

Viviennemary · 15/07/2012 23:23

If I have a female friend round I usually send DH out Blush And they do the same. But I make him a cup of tea so he doesn't feel too neglected.

Original poster
GonePostal · 15/07/2012 23:23

Jajas - I've never done a girls' night at home; this is the first time the concept has cropped up.

He wouldn't join in but if he wanted to I would think the more the merrier.

I know it is a storm in a teacup - we just need new rules going forwards - but it was a very nasty row and I am embarrassed by his airing of our dirty laundry.

OP posts:
fireice · 15/07/2012 23:23

"I'm really surprised at how many people seem to socialise along gender lines"

Not all the time, but if I had a group of girls coming round or my DH had a group of his male friends coming round we wouldn't assume without checking that we were meant to be there.

ThePigOnTheWall · 15/07/2012 23:24

Well xkittyx sitting with abloke of blokes discussing civil war re-enactment a very interesting hobby would be my idea of atrocious too. Good job we're not all the same eh?

ImperialBlether · 15/07/2012 23:24

GonePostal, why don't you ask the other guys' wives what they would do if the three of them stayed in their house?

I agree that your husband reacted very badly and it must have been embarrassing for you.

ThePigOnTheWall · 15/07/2012 23:25

So OP - what did you say back to him that was "horrible?" :o

ImperialBlether · 15/07/2012 23:25

The thing is that you said, "DH told me yesterday that the two boys were coming over for a drink tonight to discuss a hobby shared by the three DHs."

I think it should have been obvious they'd spend the night discussing it, not ten minutes.

xkittyx · 15/07/2012 23:26

I always getting invited along to my DH (quite blokey) hobby. I don't always go though, but it's nice to be asked.

Signet2012 · 15/07/2012 23:27

In our house, if the lads come round with partners then I stay. Sometimes the lads come round to see me, if DP is working and thats fine too as I have been friends with them as long as I have DP as we all used to be in the same circle of friends when we where younger.

If I have friends round, he tends to have a sociable five minute chat then bugger off to do something else out of the way.

He has a female friend that I ALWAYS go out when I know she is coming because she normally has the weight of the world on her shoulders and needs to offload and I don't know her all that well so she may feel awkward if I where there.

Mamamaiasaura · 15/07/2012 23:28

God when dh meets up with his Mayes I do not want to join them, they sit around rolling dice and pretending to be orcs, dwarfs and whatnots. I've grown out of that... They haven't Hmm Smile.

And I don't mind, it's his interests, I know that when the girls cone over dh either messes around on computers or goes out.

Mamamaiasaura · 15/07/2012 23:29

Mayes?? Mates ffs Blush

50shadesofslapntickle · 15/07/2012 23:30

I think yabu actually. He told you the boys were coming round for a chat about the hobby and you seem hell bent on being part of his catch up with them. Leave the poor guy alone, no wonder he is pissed off with you. Why couldn't you jus leave them to it rather than muscling in?

Yes, the more I think about it the more I think yabu

attheendoftheday · 15/07/2012 23:31

I find this hard to relate to, tbh. Does everyone else in the world socialise in single gender groups? None of my groups of friends are all male or all female. I can't imagine what activity could be so gender-biased that a woman could not possibly be privy to a conversation about it.

I socialise separately from my dp often, but there's nothing I do that I'd exclude him from if he wanted to join in. I enjoy his company.