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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have reactedly very badly to this...

154 replies

GonePostal · 15/07/2012 22:36

Mahoosive row with DH tonight.

Background: we socialise a lot with two couples, and have been friends for donkeys. DH told me yesterday that the two boys were coming over for a drink tonight to discuss a hobby shared by the three DHs.

I assumed that the girls were stuck looking after the kids. I was looking forward to seeing the guys. As it came to the time they were due to arrive, I was tidying up, chatting to DH about the fact that our only meal this evening would be the nibbles we were putting out. I put a bit of slap on.

I nip up to give the baby a bath and say I'll be done by the time they arrive. Come downstairs, DH hands me a glass of wine and I try to bring it and our baby to the room set up for the get together. It's already past the time the guys were due to arrive.

DH says "you're not coming in here are you?" and it turns out that this was intended to be a boys get together to which I'm not invited. So the plan is for me to hide a separate room while they have fun next door.

I felt surprised, embarrassed, excluded and I didn't react well at all, getting very emotional. We rowed. Many horrible things were said. The doorbell went and he told our friends we were arguing and sent them away.

He now says I "deliberately" ruined his evening and is drinking himself into oblivion.

WIBU?

OP posts:
Mysaucepansdontmatch · 16/07/2012 11:07

Well you both suffer from entitleditis. It's chronic and incurable I'm afraid.

Him for not expecting you to at least greet visitors to your home, despite the fact they weren't there to see you. And the dramatic turning his friends away from the door bit.

You for resenting his hobby time and prancing about prettying yourself up when the purpose of the evening was nothing to do with you. You sound really overbearing. And you resent his work social life as well, sounds like you should get out more.

Offred · 16/07/2012 11:11

Don't see where you have read she resents his hobby time? I've read she'd be happy for him to go out and socialise more and can't understand why he hasn't taken up the invites. What she's unhappy about is him having invited some mutual friends over and expected her to sit in the other room (although happy for her to make nibbles etc) and that he hadn't even had the courtesy to talk to her about it first then when it came up at the last minute even though she intended on facilitating his plans he followed her around shouting and embarrassed her in front of the friends by sending them away.

Mysaucepansdontmatch · 16/07/2012 11:13

Er, the bit where the husband told her she resents his hobby time and he feels under pressure to cancel things?

Offred · 16/07/2012 11:13

Oooo - I think if you read the other thread it doesn't sound like there is a communication problem from the op, the DH just sounds like he is unwilling to communicate anything other than "I'm unhappy and it's your fault".

SomethingSuitablyWitty · 16/07/2012 11:13

I think the snide comments about the OP putting on a bit of makeup are really unkind. It's not like she was planning a striptease or something. If someone is coming to visit me in my home I also tidy up a bit and try and have on something nice and maybe a bit of mascara or a spray of perfume. That is perfectly reasonable and actually a rather nice gesture towards the guests I think - part of making a small fuss of them. It is not "prancing about". And OP has already made it perfectly clear that she did not consider these guests to be the exclusive guests of her husband, she expected to be joining them for a drink and snack, prepared by herself in her own home.

Offred · 16/07/2012 11:14

But did you not also read that he had not even told her about the socialising he had not gone on and that she said she can't remember ever being upset about him going out and can't see a reason why he didn't go?

SarahStratton · 16/07/2012 11:16

What saucepans said. It's like reading about a pair of entitled toddlers scrapping.

Mysaucepansdontmatch · 16/07/2012 11:19

Well it's always six of one half a dozen of the other. Both of them went completely over the top.

Cluffyfunt · 16/07/2012 11:25

Sounds like to me that the op is being set up to be made into 'the nagging little wifey'.

Yuck

Her DH has blamed her for him missing social stuff when she has had no input into his plans.

I put a bit of slap on when going out/having people round.
Don't see it as a big deal Confused

trikken · 16/07/2012 11:33

Yanbu. I would expect dh to be wherever he wants if id invited my friends round and the same the other way round. They should have gone out if it was a designated 'boys night'. Id be miffed too if I'd have been treated like that. Its normal for couples to spend time with eachothers friends isnt it.

fireice · 16/07/2012 18:36

"Its normal for couples to spend time with eachothers friends isnt it."

Its not normal to always socialise together when people come round just because you are a couple. Its nice to be a bit independent sometimes, and to accept that you are individuals who might like different people, to different extents.

Offred · 16/07/2012 19:32

Where does it say they always socialise together?

Offred · 16/07/2012 19:32

And besides, they are not his friends, they are mutual friends.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 16/07/2012 21:38

And it's their house. It would be different if she had other plans or wanted to spend time in a different room, but being told she has to leave the room is wrong.

Original poster
GonePostal · 16/07/2012 22:15

Thank you to those standing up for me in the face of much word-twisting.

This particular argument with DH is done and dusted and I can't be bothered to correct all of the negative assumptions made by lots of you. But there have been a few of you in my corner (offred, eyes, witty, cluffyfunt and I'm sure there are others) and I've appreciated you tackling the word-twisting.

Signing off now, thanks, this was a very useful thread for me.

OP posts:
50shadesofslapntickle · 17/07/2012 06:12

I admit I did think the same about the op rushing around putting her make-up on for the guys... Does offer a certain impression.

EmmaBemma · 17/07/2012 06:30

oh come on, 50 shades! No it doesn't. I don't wear make up but lots of my female friends do, and they'd be made up for an evening with friends regardless of their gender.

50shadesofslapntickle · 17/07/2012 08:11

Maybe, maybe not. It did feel like she was muscling in on their evening a bit but they have sorted it between them so that's what matters

Lucyellensmum99 · 17/07/2012 08:17

People are suggesting that the OP shouldnt want to be involved in the "mens hobby" really????? have i entered a time warp to the 18th century, where the men retire to the drawing room to leave the women to their needle work. Fuck that - id kick his arse.

So what if its a boys night in (how pathetic), if it wasn't your "thing" then maybe you would have got bored and gone off and done something else anyway - fucking hell, how old is he? 12!!!

They probably wanted to watch porn

Lucyellensmum99 · 17/07/2012 08:18

oh and now the OP was in the wrong for putting make up on - fuck me sideways

bringbacksideburns · 17/07/2012 08:24

'That's a bigger issue than your social arrangement. Ask him if he goes in for a bit of casual racism and homophobia while he's at it. He genuinely believes that due to the possession of a vagina you are worthy of less respect, less pleasure in life and fewer options than his penis-holding self' - Dear God!! Only on Mumsnet Shock

You both overeacted and were childish. The name of the game is compromise. It shouldn't be a battle of the sexes. You could have enjoyed their company for a while and then they could have discussed their hobby whilst you left them to it. The fact he threw a wobbler and sent them home made him look a prize prat.

trikken · 17/07/2012 14:45

fireice there is being independant and being made to feel uncomfortable in your home, I do think its normal to be in the same room if you are a couple and friends with them too ffs.

Kayano · 17/07/2012 14:48

My DH has boys nights

I have girls nights in the house.

We mutually hide.
I don't get it if he said the boys were round for a boys night and a drink, I wouldn't assume I was invited. I would say oh well I'll go out or I'll have a bath and bed

It's like miscommunication rather than deliberate twattiness IMO

(just read op - lazy day)

Incaminka · 17/07/2012 15:02

I think it sounds like the DH was building up to turn this into a problem, hence allowing her to get all excited and involved before the slap-down.
That's quite upsetting and a bigger problem than this actual incident.

We have our various friends over and I don't go and hang out in the living room if they are mixing music or talking about PAs or guitars - I'd be bored silly. But I do pop my head round if I'm having a beer etc and if I was told I wasn't welcome - I'd go potty. Likewise, my DP always says hello to my friends but because we are talking cat shows etc soon disappears in relief! I think the only time I've ever asked him not to be about when I had a friend over was when she'd just been dumped and needed to cry. He understood perfectly.

We have our fair share of miscomms/rows, but I am glad to see here is an issue we don't have! :)

Crinkle77 · 17/07/2012 16:20

What if you were having your female friends round? Would your husband want to be involved then?