To be upset about this and wonder what to do?

[whathasthecatdonenow]

I work with someone I considered a friend e.g. we go on nights out, I'm invited to her wedding etc. This morning she was working in a different room when someone phoned our communal phone for her. I went to get her, and overheard her slagging me off to a colleague from another department. She was using really foul language and insulting my appearance, saying I had no personality, was sexually frustrated, she wanted to smash my face in for breathing, she wished I'd just kill myself.

I just backed away down the corridor and burst into tears and have barely been able to hold it together for the rest of the day. I'm so upset and I don't know how to even be in the same room as her now. I'm contemplating just not going into work tomorrow. I suffer with depression and was having a relatively 'happy' period but as soon as I heard this I just wanted to hurt myself.

I know we all have a moan about people, I'm as guilty as the next person, but this just felt incredibly vicious. AIBU to be so upset as I assume she never meant for me to hear?

OP, if you had overheard two students making the same statements about another, would you ignore it? Would you assume that the "target" had done something to deserve it?

Or would you see that they were a couple of spiteful, nasty little creatures and do something about it?

Honestly, who the hell talks about someone like that? I wouldn't speak like that about my worst enemy.

"whathasthecatdonenow Thu 12-Jul-12 19:59:10
I can't change my weight, I'm within a healthy BMI and any thinner means starvation rations.

I've tried contacts, and I don't really get on with them, so I'm stuck with the glasses.

I can't make myself nice. I don't know how.
"

So you're a healthy weight, you wear glasses. Like most of the population.

I can't make myself nice. I don't know how NO NO NO to this

OP you sound lovely.

You don't need to make yourself nice - you are already there

I have been where you are (though not ever met anyone quite so vile as your colleague - I am on your behalf)

The trouble is that when you feel low you selectively remember things to prove yourself right that no-one likes you.

Please please please don't let this set you back. Try to remain positive and think of things to reinforce the truth that you are a very special, loveable person.

Thank you all for your input. I'm going to have a bath now to try and wind down - I don't feel 'right' and I don't want to make decisions whilst I'm not thinking clearly.

Gah. She really is a treasure, isn't she? Playing up to the bloke she probably knows moons around after her, making herself look all big and important, stomping all over your self esteem as a sop to her pathetic self image?

You don't need people like her in your life- she sounds absolutely vile. Know that she probably doesn't even remember fully what she said, what you heard was a stream of bilious consciousness from an extremely unpleasant mind.

You sound lovely- don't let her ruin your slowly blossoming self confidence. She's a mean, spiteful, malicious bitch and you are SO better off without her.

She's a nasty bitch. It sounds more like the drunken ramblings of a couple of teenagers.

You are better than her. If I thought she was a teacher at DS's school I would complain - I know teachers poo and wear pants like the rest of us, but if I thought someone that vile was teaching, I'd have to question if she was the type of person I'd want around children. You do though, OP.

Wouldn't it be nice if she got a notice of a disciplinary procedure the day before she goes off to get married? Please don't be worried about outing her. Her brand of vitriol deserves a much larger audience.

Look into the mirror, whathasthecat. What will you see? Shall I tell you what I see (going on your posts).

I see a lovely young woman. I see someone working hard in a career she loves. I see someone giving everything to the children she teaches. I see someone I would love/be proud of to have as a friend.

What does golden girl see when she looks into the mirror? Well nothing, the mirror would crack at so much ugliness/nastiness.

The problem is all hers, not yours. Hope you can get over this.

In that case, OP, I wouldn't go to work tomorrow.

I would email your line manager and your Personnel Officer tonight - I suggested an email above - and I would say that under the circumstances you don't feel able to come in tomorrow.

They will be furious with her.

You really have to do this before that guy leaves - do you see that?

Really, this is not about you. She was sucking up to the other teacher. He probably didnt agree with her and was simply sucking up back.

What to do about the wedding? Get the plainest, most formal Regrets card that you can find.

'whathasthecatdonenow will not be attending the wedding of xxxxx'

Drop it on her desk and say nothing. If she comes up to you and smarms about 'oooh, sorry, why?' then just keep it simple:

'I made the mistake of walking into the staffroom while you were telling X what you thought of me' Dont explain further.

If she doesnt ask then she will know that you have heard what she said and will be terrified that you are going to make a complaint. Let her sweat. She will be getting a horrible clammy feel every time an official envelope drops through her door.

Whether it was meant for you or not; I'd give her a wide berth from now on.
She sounds vile.

This is shocking and i agree it says more about her than you.

Listen to the advice on here!!!

Whathasthecat - this rant of hers is not about you. It's about her and her issues. About how she has to feel she has to speak about people like that to seem funny and clever to others. How desperate and pathetic she must be inside.

What a total cow.

Please I hope you find the strength to let her know that you heard every word. She needs to feel guilt and just knowing that you know will make her feel bad.

I'm so sorry you have had to go through this. It's easy to tell you not to listen to this woman but it's not that easy. You've had a lot of support from the (frankly, magnificent) ladies on here and that should tell you that you are definitely the better person here.

I won't go into it but I can tell you that I have been in your position and know exactly how it feels, there isn't a word horrible enough to describe it. However, look at yourself. You're obviously intelligent, you have a great career as a teacher and you have what this other woman does not: integrity.

I want you to know that you have friends here. PM me any time and we'll chat further. You are worth so much more than how this woman has made you feel.

P.S, I agree with ClaireFrom Work in that you should totally tell her you heard every word.

Don't tell her you're not going to the wedding, just don't turn up. Send a card.

'Congratulations! It's a fucking miracle you've found someone to put up with your shit!'

'He'll learn! LOL'

LOL at Jenny. That would be brilliant. I imagine you're much nicer than that but it's a great thought isn't it. What a horrible woman. I can't imagine ever EVER saying things like that about a fellow human being. I mean, she is too horrible for words.

I am a narky bitch, and some people really get on my tits. I will happily whinge to my nearest and dearest (am not proud of this, but once I have decompressed I have more perspective) but never in a million years would the disgusting, vile things she said cross my mind, let alone my mouth. Not about my worst enemy, let alone someone I was chumming around with. It blows my mind she would say this AT WORK. To a colleague. What the actual fuck?? She sounds fucking unhinged.

This is a near escape for you, consider yourself lucky and do NOT assume this nutter's opinion is normal in any way shape or form. You sound like a sweet, gentle soul, but don't stand for this. Sometimes the mouse can roar!! Please, please consider reporting the nasty psycho. Before she damages someone else.

Wow, OP, just read your post on page 2 about the depths she actually plunged to and I am a bit speechless. What unbelievably horrible things to say. I am so sorry for you that you heard something so vile . She sounds very childish and immature, and very much like a 15 year old girl bullying others to show off for the boys. Ignore her, water off a duck's back, you are clearly a better person.

Many years ago, I emailed my husband after an argument exchange of views with a colleague and included a phrase about ripping her head off that was in the film we watched the night before. She then hacked my account managed to read this email. I received a disciplinary, a six month written warning and had left my job before it was up. I would think carefully about the consequences of reporting this incident in work.

Initially, I had some sympathy for the bitch who you've caught out but her comments were so vile that it has evaporated.

I would explain to her that you will not be attending the wedding as you do not wish to be friends with her anymore after what you overheard. Then continue with professionalism only towards her.

Had a bath, feel calmer but exhausted. I've had a diazapam so hopefully I will sleep.

I had RSVP'd to the wedding, it is in 3 weeks. I think I might just have been invited to bump up numbers as another round of invites went out to wider colleagues just 2 weeks ago, whereas I got mine in April, so she must be struggling. I know there are only 9 people going to the hen night, 6 of them from work. I'm not going to either now, she wants money in a wishing well rather than presents so I haven't bought anything.

I need to learn how to not let other people define me, but I find it incredibly hard not to believe negative things about myself. Something like this just makes me suspicious of everyone - if she could be so horrible, god knows what else is said behind not very well closed classroom doors.

I think Imperial Blether is spot on re reporting this - even if you do it in the context of 'I don't want any action taken but would like it on record in case of any fallout/further incidents at a later date.'

I would then hand her a letter on the last day of term explaining that as you heard her conversation and are now aware of what she really thinks of you, you will not be attending her hen night or wedding.

You'll have it off your chest and she'll have 6 weeks to stew on it.

I wouldn't do letters. I'd like to see the look on her face when I told her I knew...