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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about this and wonder what to do?

334 replies

whathasthecatdonenow · 12/07/2012 17:32

I work with someone I considered a friend e.g. we go on nights out, I'm invited to her wedding etc. This morning she was working in a different room when someone phoned our communal phone for her. I went to get her, and overheard her slagging me off to a colleague from another department. She was using really foul language and insulting my appearance, saying I had no personality, was sexually frustrated, she wanted to smash my face in for breathing, she wished I'd just kill myself.

I just backed away down the corridor and burst into tears and have barely been able to hold it together for the rest of the day. I'm so upset and I don't know how to even be in the same room as her now. I'm contemplating just not going into work tomorrow. I suffer with depression and was having a relatively 'happy' period but as soon as I heard this I just wanted to hurt myself.

I know we all have a moan about people, I'm as guilty as the next person, but this just felt incredibly vicious. AIBU to be so upset as I assume she never meant for me to hear?

OP posts:
gothicangel · 12/07/2012 18:07

op you ok?

sod her, she sounds like a evil cow,

hugs for you x

OlympicRingSting · 12/07/2012 18:08

I would send her a small note along the lines of :

Dear Clunge Face
Just to let you know that I will not be attending your wedding. I prefer to spend time away from work with people who can be honest with me and not be insulting and spiteful the minute my back is turned.
You were obviously unaware that I was party to the slating you were giving to X about me.
I'm sorry you have such a low self opinion that you have be nasty about people you call friends, to gain attention from others.

Whathasthecat.

kinkyfuckery · 12/07/2012 18:08

Oh wow, that must have been hurtful.

Agree with others though, it says much more about her than you! Try to distance yourself from her as much as possible.

Viviennemary · 12/07/2012 18:09

She sounds a totally horrible person and this outburst says a lot about her. Agree she sounds unhinged. Do what Custardo said. Who needs or wants folk like that in their lives.

PissyDust · 12/07/2012 18:13

How horrible she sounds vile. Normal, stable people don't talk about smashing people's faces in!

QuietTiger · 12/07/2012 18:13

I've been in your position OP. The way I dealt with it, was to walk up to the bitch nasty piece of work concerned and say very calmly...

"Next time you are slagging someone off, either have the guts to say it to their face so that they can respond and defend themselves, or make sure they are out of earshot and can't hear you being a 2 faced cow. I heard every word you said about me and I find your opinion disappointing as you'd made out to me that we were good friends."

Then watch them squirm. Make sure you do it in front of people. It will make you feel 1000% better for taking back control. :)

Original poster
whathasthecatdonenow · 12/07/2012 18:13

Oh, you are all so nice you are making me cry again now.

It has made me question all my friendships and relationships - if she can talk about me like this behind my back whilst telling about what I great time we'll have on her hen night to my face, I don't know what to think. I have a hard time understanding why anyone would like me at all and this has just confirmed what I already think about myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
whathasthecatdonenow · 12/07/2012 18:14

Sorry for the typos, bit tearful still.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 12/07/2012 18:16

Oh God, what a bitch!

Hope you're okay, OP.

Be the better person here, if you want to say something to her, do it, but don't sink to her level and use insults.

Have some Wine.

:)

gothicangel · 12/07/2012 18:16

whathasthecatdonenow i know how you feel, i dont trust half my friends as i know someone them have been telling people things about my life, its hard to know who to trust, so i dont tell people anything about my life anymore

you ARE a nice person, hold your head high and fuck her!

xx

StealthPolarBear · 12/07/2012 18:16

You have to call her on it. You cannot go to her wedding knowing this is how she thinks.

StealthPolarBear · 12/07/2012 18:17

and why would she be so vile? Has she ever done this to you (about someone else) before?

Original poster
whathasthecatdonenow · 12/07/2012 18:20

stealth I have never known her be like this. I've rarely heard her swear. I've tried to think of what I could have done to annoy her but I'm at a loss.

OP posts:
CatPower · 12/07/2012 18:22

Think about it this way - at least now you know what a hateful, vicious cow she really is, before you'd asked her to do something important or needed her in any way.

OlympicRingSting's email is SPOT ON, but if you could say it to her face it would be even better.

ENormaSnob · 12/07/2012 18:22

You definitely need to challenge her on it IMO.

She is a bitch.

lovebunny · 12/07/2012 18:23

don't report her to your manager. there is nothing to be gained by telling 'daddy'. or 'mummy'. whatever. don't do it.

you are upset for three reasons:
1 it was unexpected
2 it was horribly unkind
3 you believed her

don't believe her. her friendship with you has been insincere in parts, you can't trust a word she says, and she has no right to undermine your self-confidence, even accidentally.

you don't have to stop talking to her. i imagine her friendship is useful to you or you wouldn't have bothered with it. in the past, you were friends but your eyes were closed to her true nature. now your eyes are open. you can still socialise, when it suits you, but don't take her seriously.

be kind to yourself, help yourself heal, and whenever you see her, remember that although you know, she doesn't know you know, which puts you ahead of the game.

McHappyPants2012 · 12/07/2012 18:24

I would let her Know that you heard the conversation, tell her to stick the invite up her ass and never look back

CatPower · 12/07/2012 18:25

She's a bully, and bullies thrive on silence and fear.

BE STRONG. Call her out on it. You've done nothing wrong, you have nothing to feel worried or ashamed of.

This woman has been caught out, and she'll try to come out with all kinds of excuses but you know what you heard, and you know she was talking about you. I also suffer from depression and low self esteem etc, and having been in a similar situation to you I know how easy it is to start to doubt yourself, eg "maybe she was talking about a different whathasthecatdonenow?", but again I'll say it, you know what you heard. Ignore her excuses and lies as she tries to wheedle her way back onto your good side, she has shown her true colours.

RhubarbCrumbled · 12/07/2012 18:26

But still go to the wedding! Don't take a present and drink as much free wine as you can stomach. Don't compliment her dress. It's these little things that make me feel better...

And on a serious note, these sort of people aren't worth bothering with. I've had friends like this is the past and they made me feel small and rubbish until I got myself sorted out enough to cut all ties. Be professional with her but that's as far as I'd go.

ImperialBlether · 12/07/2012 18:42

No, don't even think of going to the wedding or her hen night.

You should say something to her, when your manager is present. Just say, "I heard you talking about me to X. I heard you say you wanted to smash my face in just for breathing. You really upset me and I don't want to have anything more to do with you. If you need to communicate with me, please do it in writing."

Are you a teacher, by any chance? I wondered, with you mentioning a staffroom. If so, now that term's ending, you should tell your manager you want to change rooms, if not desks.

LentillyFart · 12/07/2012 18:53

You know what OP? You really have a bit of a duty to call her on this - by doing so you might save some poor sod in the future feeling the way you do now. Do it by phone, letter or face to face - I'd opt for letter myself as I completely understand where you're coming from re the depression and not being able to take too much confrontation. When you're completely well you can deck the bitch!

Original poster
whathasthecatdonenow · 12/07/2012 18:59

I am a teacher, Imperial. Our department has a staffroom with desking attached to the wall, she sits next to me. With gained time I have no lessons tomorrow so I'll spend it tidying classrooms away from the office

I'm not sure about saying anything to our line manager, two-faced bitch, as she will now be known in my head, is something of a 'golden girl' who everyone (me included until today) thinks is really nice and friendly. I have a feeling I'll be 'over-reacting' and the male colleague she was ripping me to shreds with moons over her a lot so I don't think there will be any support forthcoming there.

I think I'll just hide a bit tomorrow and have a think over the weekend about what to do longer-term. Her wedding is 3 hours away from here and I have a hotel room booked, but I'm going to cancel - I just can't smile on her and her new husband when I know what she really thinks about me.

OP posts:
Frontpaw · 12/07/2012 19:02

What was the other person saying? What a cow. An utter cow. This is the workplace (adults) not the playground (kids).

Don't stay off work, cut her dead. She no longer exists beyond work matters. Don't alienate yourself with other colleagues. Should she ever be stupid enough to call you on it (and she sounds like the inflated ego type who would) you just calmly say that you overheard a, b and c, therefore don't consider her as someone you want to interact with. It is work, not real life and these people don't matter.

Bitch. Then poo in her desk and break the key in the lock.

Original poster
whathasthecatdonenow · 12/07/2012 19:11

Our male colleague was laughing, and when she said I must be sexually frustrated because I'm such an ugly fucking speccy fat cunt, he laughed and said I probably didn't know where my cunt was. She then said at least she won't breed so we won't have to teach her spawn. That was the point that I exited at, because I felt like I'd been punched in the (obviously very fat) gut.

I don't care about him. I barely know him and he failed to get his temporary contract made permanent so he's gone next week. I've worked with her for 7 years and that's a long time to think you are friends with someone who thinks you don't deserve to live.

OP posts:
lovebunny · 12/07/2012 19:13

dear God, if you're a teacher don't go to your line-manager! and don't 'call her out' - such behaviour is immature and unprofessional.

wait. think swan - graceful on the surface, paddling like mad underneath. if you need revenge, later, quietly undermine her.

the best way to hurt her is to be happy and to smile at her.

think of what you had to go through to get to be a teacher. think of how demanding teaching is. don't rock the boat you took time and effort to build and learn how to sail.

she's like a playground bully - she only has the power you allow her to have.

hugs for you.

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