To be upset about this and wonder what to do?

[whathasthecatdonenow]

I work with someone I considered a friend e.g. we go on nights out, I'm invited to her wedding etc. This morning she was working in a different room when someone phoned our communal phone for her. I went to get her, and overheard her slagging me off to a colleague from another department. She was using really foul language and insulting my appearance, saying I had no personality, was sexually frustrated, she wanted to smash my face in for breathing, she wished I'd just kill myself.

I just backed away down the corridor and burst into tears and have barely been able to hold it together for the rest of the day. I'm so upset and I don't know how to even be in the same room as her now. I'm contemplating just not going into work tomorrow. I suffer with depression and was having a relatively 'happy' period but as soon as I heard this I just wanted to hurt myself.

I know we all have a moan about people, I'm as guilty as the next person, but this just felt incredibly vicious. AIBU to be so upset as I assume she never meant for me to hear?

Just seen this thread. I really don't see what you have done as blackmail.

Joining the thread late but just wanted to echo what other people have said - she sounds rather extreme (this was not just run of the mill venting) and a bit deranged.

Her crocodile tears wouldn't have swayed me either way. You are definitely a much better person than me!

I'm afraid I disagree with Bonesy and TouTou. I think you did absolutely the correct thing in providing your LM with a contemporaneous account in writing, before your ex-friend has any chance to escalate the situation. Now your LM has the envelope, it's up to him/her to decide what to do with it- but taking the envelope back would like you were pissing about.

Great... I'm back to being swayed that you have done the right thing. This shows for me that it was a tough call what to do. It seems that if everyone else thinks it's ok than that is good enough for me.

I'm the kind of person whose opinion on stuff like this can swing back and forth as long as the argument is a strong one, so don't mind me.

I thought the envelope was a good idea! I see why you did it like that and it doesn't look like blackmail, especially if she does not even know about it as there is no threat to her - just a good way to make sure the evidence is there, as insurance for you, if she tries to lie and turn it on you in future if anything else happens. Do not trust her - she has shown she can't be trusted - so you need to cover your back and you need the documentation to be submitted IMO, whether sealed or open.

I think you have handled it well. She is obviously massively unhinged, but that doesn't mean you need to feel sorry for her. You are the better person here!

Not blackmail in the slightest, you are covering your own arse whilst at the same time giving her more loyalty than she deserves by keeping what she did totally confidential by putting it in a sealed envelope. You don't need to tell her you have done this, you don't need to get the envelope back and you DEFINITELY don't need to feel bad about it. I would just leave it as it is, look forward to the end of term and a good rest over the holidays and focus on your other friends....

She wouldn't know about the envelope, would she?

I would have emailed the account to LM and back to myself as security while saying that if it's dealt with properly you won't make a formal complaint. However now you've chosen the envelope route keep a copy but DO NOT take it back. Her behaviour was well beyond normal.

Oh, and you do not need to look for a new job/feel guilty. You've done nothing wrong - she has.

"If I don't take it back I'm worse than her because I'm holding it over her head. I don't want to be that person. I just thought it was a bit of security, but I can see now that I'm being awful because she was just caught up in the heat of the moment whilst I've considered this."

You know you're right in pedantic sort of way - you are holding it over her head, i.e. SUSPENDING it. Think about what a suspended sentence is about. It is an acknowledgement that you are guilty, but you are being given some credit that e.g. you're a first-time-offender and as long as you keep your nose clean you won't be punished. Pretty fair, don't you think, to the offender; but without dismissing it as nothing (because it's not).

If you think of it in those terms, it is absolutely right that his should be held over her head. No punishment will be forthcoming UNLESS she re-offends - if she does her previous offences (as documented in the envelope) will then be taken into consideration. It is therefore entirely in her own hands whether that will happen.

You are absolutely not worse than her - very far from it. You are stressing over being nice enough to her (and frankly she does not deserve your consideration), how is that being worse than her? Really? YOU ARE NOT BEING AWFUL. You are being cautious, and covering your back, which may well be necessary with someone like her - because let's face it, someone who will say what she said (and is capable of thinking it in the first place) may well also say whatever she thinks will show her in the bestest light regardless of putting you in the worst light and turning reality on its head. You no longer know what she is capable of, do you? Before this, you'd never have believed she'd say what she said. Well now you she could, because she did and you heard it all. So please, believe that she could screw you over at the first opportunity. Protect yourself,

Personally, I would just have put is straight on to the record, I wouldn't have given her the second chance that you have. But you are much nicer than I will ever be.

Well I don't know who said or implied that you were blackmailing her and being nasty because that just isn't true. I'm so glad you have stood up for yourself and didn't let her crocodile tears blur the feelings she made you feel.

Well done on taking a stand againsed bullying. I am going through something with work and I guess a sort of bullying too, so know how stressful something like this can be. I hope I can hold the same strength that you have done in this situation and fight it in a firm and diplomatic way.

unmumsnetty hugs

Great post, WhereYouLeftIt

Exactly as WhereYouLeftIt said, you could have gone straight to your line manager and got her suspended, sacked, whatever. You are worried about her career even when she has said some incredibly vicious things about you. I just wouldn't be able to think about someone else's feelings if they did that to me.

You did the right thing OP.

Please don't take the envelope back, her being off with a migraine today is almost certainly the start of her building up how much she has been upset by you. Keeping her comments in an envelope is giving her an extra chance she doesn't deserve, taking the envelope back might be career suicide.

In your shoes, I'd be making a formal complaint, you've been incredibly nice about all this, now you're in danger of being so nice that it will come back to bite you.

"her being off with a migraine today is almost certainly the start of her building up how much she has been upset by you. Keeping her comments in an envelope is giving her an extra chance she doesn't deserve, taking the envelope back might be career suicide."

Exactly. Well said.

Yes: I agree.

She won't know about the envelope so it is not blackmail.

You could speak to your LM tomorrow and ask for mediation to establish that it will continue as a professional relationship and for her to accepte responsibility for her behaviour. As far as you are concerned that will be the end of the matter unless she ever drags it up again.

I completely agree with Plaguegroup: "her being off with a migraine today is almost certainly the start of her building up how much she has been upset by you. Keeping her comments in an envelope is giving her an extra chance she doesn't deserve, taking the envelope back might be career suicide"

I worked with a woman who was so idle it was a wonder that she even got into work. She wasted hours and hours doing fuck all to the detriment of the rest of the team She had been there the longest and had fallen out with many other people throughout the company and her attitude was terrible.

In the end she started on me, and I complained. It was a tense time and I let rip about how idle she had been, her attitude towards me and another member of staff. I was really down about it and struggled with going into work. It was bizarre because we got on well to begin with, then when I started to get praise from my boss for doing a good job and took on more responsibilities and she changed.

It got to the HR manager and we had a meeting and she suddenly burst into tears, saying how me and another member of the team had bullied her. She had also gone into my work emails whilst I was out of the office and found correspondence to someone where I said I felt bullied, and said she felt distraught that I felt like that, and that she thought we were friends. I was amazed, tbh as she had been pretty brazen about everything beforehand, but suddenly it was me with the problem despite evidence to the contrary. However, as she was so stressed and distraught it was decided the best course of action was to draw a line in the sand, each one apologise and get on with the job. She was just someone with very low self esteem and lashed out at everyone else to try to drag them down.

You have done the right thing whathasthecatdonenow - think of the letter as insurance. She doesn't have to know about it, and probably best that she doesn't so that she can't try to plead that it is blackmail. Her bad attitude and the fallout from her actions is her problem, not yours.

whathasthecatsdonenow can I just clarify You haven't been nasty. Your heart is good, I was just concerned how it could be interpreted.What if the LM opens it and jumps to that conclusion.
But the vast majority of other posters don't think that anyone would view it that way so maybe you are better off ignoring what I said.

Please don't take the envelope back and, if possible, I think you should let your LM look at its contents, just for the record.

I know you would like to forgive and forget, it someways it seems like the easiest option but this situation is so serious that you really need to be strong and do the right thing.

What she did was awful. I would be horrified if someone capable of doing something like that was a teacher of one of my children. That she did it to someone like you, someone who is clearly a sweet and sensitive person makes it even worse.

Please,please, please be strong and try to do the right thing.

I dunno what to do with the envelope but I will go against the majority and I think she did like you.

I don't think the entire 7 yrs have been a sham. But something in her has changed.

That doesn't mean to say that it excuses her vile behaviour. But I do think she liked you. Perhaps it's sheer plain old bloody jealousy?

She did something that is very hard to get over and move on from. And it's her loss. Perhaps her speaking to the LM might shed some light on what's going off in her head?

But I know how much it hurts.

She's done a cracking job on your self esteem hasn't she?

You are certainly not a bitch or nasty. She is vile and you've done nothing wrong.

I would let your LM see what you have written but explain you do not want to make a complaint. Do not take the envelope back. Stop worrying about blackmail - explain it's a difficult situation but you do not want to complain about her as you thought of her as a friend and if you have further problems you will speak to your LM straight away.

I do not understand how you can possibly see yourself as 'nasty' when she has spoken about you in such a disgusting manner.

OP - you have behaved very professionally (unlike your ex 'friend') by doing the envelope thing and holding it together.
Please DO NOT take the envelope back, or be swayed by sob stories, crocodile tears etc when she gets back.
You are not a b!tch or nasty !
Stay strong and keep us updated !

I think she sounds like she has become unhinged. If you have been pals all this time and haven't seen this side of her, then she is either a master actress or has become ill. Maybe your LM will throw her the option of some help? I can't imagine why she would launch such an attack against a friend.

And the silly wee boy with her needs his card stamped fast. He is young (and stupid, I think) and needs to learn how to act with 'grown ups'.

Probably too late, but fwiw I don't think you should take the envelope back. If what you wrote is true, then it's appropriate that it's recorded, even if you don't want any action taken. It's not necessarily your decision what happens next. If you don't tell her about it, then you're not threatening/blackmailing her.

I think she did like you and enjoy your company but she's a bitch. This is why she can turn on you because of her own failings, ie her shoddy marking. Hold your head up high OP and I hope today's a better day for you.

If you take it back it looks like you are iunsure of the contemts or you have lied - no, you stand by it. No blackmail as you arent going to go up to her and say 'one more word from you, missy, and THE ENVELOPE gets opened! Now, get me a coffee and pick up my dry cleaning... OR THE ENVELOPE GETS OPENED!!'. I would.