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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about this and wonder what to do?

334 replies

whathasthecatdonenow · 12/07/2012 17:32

I work with someone I considered a friend e.g. we go on nights out, I'm invited to her wedding etc. This morning she was working in a different room when someone phoned our communal phone for her. I went to get her, and overheard her slagging me off to a colleague from another department. She was using really foul language and insulting my appearance, saying I had no personality, was sexually frustrated, she wanted to smash my face in for breathing, she wished I'd just kill myself.

I just backed away down the corridor and burst into tears and have barely been able to hold it together for the rest of the day. I'm so upset and I don't know how to even be in the same room as her now. I'm contemplating just not going into work tomorrow. I suffer with depression and was having a relatively 'happy' period but as soon as I heard this I just wanted to hurt myself.

I know we all have a moan about people, I'm as guilty as the next person, but this just felt incredibly vicious. AIBU to be so upset as I assume she never meant for me to hear?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 12/07/2012 19:13

You shouldn't have to sit next to someone who talks about you like that. To make you stay there would be akin to bullying.

I'm a teacher too. I can't believe her attitude towards you hasn't been apparent in her dealings with other people: parents, children, other teachers. She has kept up a very good facade, hasn't she? If you hadn't overheard her, you'd be none the wiser.

I think you should take it further. In your position I would email my head of department with a CC to Personnel and outline everything you heard, including responses from the other guy. Say you hope she understands that you won't be sitting next to her any more and could she please arrange for either you or her to be moved. It should be her, shouldn't it?

If she's known as a golden girl, you can't just email your boss; it may not be enough. She needs to be forced to take action because she knows Personnel is onto it.

Please, deal with it. Let this bitch know you are on to her.

ImperialBlether · 12/07/2012 19:15

Lovebunny, why shouldn't she take this further? This woman is absolutely disgusting in her references to the OP. Why is it immature to not deal with it now? Once the guy leaves, there's no evidence of who said what.

God, OP, I wish you'd had your phone on you and had recorded her.

Original poster
whathasthecatdonenow · 12/07/2012 19:20

I can't help but think ignorance was bliss. I might have been completely wrong about her but I was doing okay, off the ADs and able to function. I feel totally back to square one now and I just wonder what I've done to make her feel such hatred for me, and who else is thinking the same in private.

OP posts:
Callisto · 12/07/2012 19:20

Oh goodness Whathasthecat, how bloody horrible for you. I'm absolutely sure that your HR dept or line manager would like to know about this. It is massively unprofessional to be slagging a colleague, and these two sound like a coven of witches. If I was in charge I would be giving both a verbal warning over this (not that I have any managerial experience).

I think you have to tell someone, and make sure she knows as well. Why the fuck would a person invite someone to their wedding and slag them off like this? I just don't get it.

TouTou · 12/07/2012 19:22

Sorry whathas, I'm just wondering if you accidently went into the 6th form common room to hear this. It sounds like Terrible Cunt Teacher (Trademark) is about 16 years old. Actually, that's insulting many 16yolds.

I really feel for you. I think most people are bitched about more than they think and I'd feel awful if I'd heard such a thing. I agree with writing this down quickly so that it's fresh in your mind if you have to take it further.

But I agree also with taking control and calmly telling her that you heard what she'd said and that you'd like her from now on to stay away from you.

And then I'd do a jobbie in a Tiffany's box and tie a big bow on it and send it to her for her wedding. Grin

PissyDust · 12/07/2012 19:22

What if a child has over heard her call another teacher a cunt Shock

ImperialBlether · 12/07/2012 19:24

The thing is, that attitude really shows in a classroom. Just the rolling of the eyes as someone leaves the room leaves all of the class in no doubt that disrespect is fine.

Callisto · 12/07/2012 19:25

Ah, I see you're a teacher. Not that it makes a difference. And LoveBunny, do you also think that teachers should ignore this sort of behaviour in the children that they teach? Because if so, I really hope that you're not a teacher because I wouldn't want you anywhere near my child.

brabbinsandfyffe · 12/07/2012 19:25

It really is hugely unprofessional of these gits to talk about you like that, whether or not you were supposed to hear it (clearly not). I've had to report conversations like that before - didn't make me popular with the person but it was SO unprofessional, and tbh I couldn't respect them after that anyway - and the head definitely wanted to know about it.

brabbinsandfyffe · 12/07/2012 19:26

~And I'm really sorry this has happened, Whathas. Is there anyone who you can talk to in confidence at school?

thinkfast · 12/07/2012 19:30

Cancel your hotel room for the wedding now but don't tell her til the night before or the morning of the wedding. It will screw her table plan up and she will have had to pay for your meal

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/07/2012 19:33

I kind of agree with Custo but I'd adjust it slightly, say - "I got to hear what you said about me yesterday, WE were both disgusted". Then turn on your heel and walk - it lets her know that you know but also that she has nobody to trust her bitching to... don't let her know for a minute that you overheard. Her thinking that someone else thinks she's a bitch is going to unsettle her.

Do it and put her out of your head, she's not worth it.

TouTou · 12/07/2012 19:34

Oooh - Lyingwitch - that is a good idea. You are right, there is nothing a bitch likes less that people knowing they are a bitch.

lisaro · 12/07/2012 19:34

I'm tempted to say 'go and ruin her wedding' but wouldn't obviously. Almost everybody has a whinge sometimes but that's awful. Just remember she's obviously got issues herself to be so bitchy. Oh, and report her. I'm not one for tale telling but that's way over and beyond.

Pandemoniaa · 12/07/2012 19:35

It has made me question all my friendships and relationships

No, the only friendship you need to question is this one. Because she's proved that she isn't worthy of your friendship.

I think most people have come across so-called friends like this in our lifetimes. They can make even the most confident of us start questioning ourselves but actually, they are the questionable ones.

Original poster
whathasthecatdonenow · 12/07/2012 19:35

The thing is, if I reported it she'll deny it I would imagine, as would he I think. What worries me more is that everyone thinks this about me. I'm not even that fat!

Do you know, I've just remembered that she made a funny comment about my boyfriend leaving me (he hasn't yet) when she gave me the invitation to the wedding. Perhaps she's been seeing me for what I am for a long time.

OP posts:
Pandemoniaa · 12/07/2012 19:39

Perhaps she's been seeing me for what I am for a long time.

Again, absolutely no!!

You are in serious danger of being drawn right into the horrible web she's spinning. It is not you that should question your integrity and worth. She, on the other hand, appears to have little of either.

Roseformeplease · 12/07/2012 19:39

Report this to the Head Teacher immediately. At the very least the male colleague was using sexually explicit and inappropriate language in a school and she encouraged this. They should both be called on this. Also, do not be afraid to show how upset you are.

yellowraincoat · 12/07/2012 19:40

God how utterly horrible she sounds. I cannot STAND people like that. I really don't get why people are nice to your face and horrible behind your back - it's never made a hell of a lot of sense to me. But especially teachers - I'm a teacher and I think that being a more or less nice person who knows when to hold their tongue is massively important in this job.

You are not back to square one, OP. This is a blip, but I don't believe we ever go back to square one. I've had depression a long time too and sometimes I FEEL like I'm back at square one, but since I've been learning skills and coping techniques the whole time I haven't really, and nor will you.

Avoid her for a bit. She sounds truly awful.

Orenishii · 12/07/2012 19:41

She has NOT seen you for "what" you are whatthe cat - please don't let her ugly, foul mouthed, nasty tirade have that kind of impact on you. Please :(

She is vile - anyone who can say something like that about someone - it's disgusting. She's disgusting.

KneesoftheBee · 12/07/2012 19:41

I'd decline the wedding invitation....

Dear -bitch colleague

I'm afraid I will have to decline the invitation to your wedding on account of the fact that I would find it necessary to breathe whilst in attendance. I understand that this would result in you wanting to smash my face in which would not look very good on the photographs.

Yours sincerely,

whathasthecatdonenow

ToryLovell · 12/07/2012 19:41

OP don't let her make you feel bad about yourself - from this thread alone you come across as a lovely person.

She however is evil and the other colleague is a knobber too.

StealthPolarBear · 12/07/2012 19:43

Please don't make this about you. She obviously is a very sad and pathetic individual. I'm guessing you are not which is why she feels the need to slag you off behind your back while being nice to your face. Probably some work related performance angst in there too. Anyway, not your problem. I hope you have family and friends who make you realise how fantastic you are. She doesn't matter,

StealthPolarBear · 12/07/2012 19:45

x post with you. Her insecurities and general nastiness are nothing to do with you. You were a convenient target for her bile

ExitPursuedByABear · 12/07/2012 19:48

And this is how teachers speak to each other about colleagues?

I despair.