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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about this and wonder what to do?

334 replies

whathasthecatdonenow · 12/07/2012 17:32

I work with someone I considered a friend e.g. we go on nights out, I'm invited to her wedding etc. This morning she was working in a different room when someone phoned our communal phone for her. I went to get her, and overheard her slagging me off to a colleague from another department. She was using really foul language and insulting my appearance, saying I had no personality, was sexually frustrated, she wanted to smash my face in for breathing, she wished I'd just kill myself.

I just backed away down the corridor and burst into tears and have barely been able to hold it together for the rest of the day. I'm so upset and I don't know how to even be in the same room as her now. I'm contemplating just not going into work tomorrow. I suffer with depression and was having a relatively 'happy' period but as soon as I heard this I just wanted to hurt myself.

I know we all have a moan about people, I'm as guilty as the next person, but this just felt incredibly vicious. AIBU to be so upset as I assume she never meant for me to hear?

OP posts:
Original poster
whathasthecatdonenow · 12/07/2012 19:50

I really appreciate all of your kind thoughts. Can't do this properly just yet, but I'll try on here Smile.

I don't feel strong enough to have it out with her, and I'm a bit afraid to tell anyone in 'real life' in case it turns out to be what they all think. I suppose I always sort of feel like I'm not worthy, and this is like having your worst fears about yourself confirmed in a really horrible way.

OP posts:
greenplastictrees · 12/07/2012 19:51

What a complete bitch! You must tell your line manager. It's not fair on you. As others have said, this only reflects badly on her - not you. You do not have to work with such a vile person.

MakeHayAndSneeze · 12/07/2012 19:52

Exit, no it isn't - it's how utter twats speak about other people. Sadly there are twats in every profession.

OP, un-mumsnetty hugs. This is a reflection on her, not you. Please please don't take her comments as gospel, whatever you decide to do.

LunaticFringe · 12/07/2012 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StealthPolarBear · 12/07/2012 19:53

I'm guessing not Bear, just the stupid, pathetic ones.

OP, I can see what you mean. Can I just say I'm no saint and I haven't said or thought that sort of thing about anyone since about the age of 13 when nastiness impressed (not something I'm proud of).
I HONESTLY haven't. It simply wouldn't occur to me, and I bet I'm pretty typical. Yes I'd have a bitch (usually about celebrities) but not like this.

cutegorilla · 12/07/2012 19:54

Of course YANBU to be upset! What she said was vile no matter how much she dislikes you. I can't see what you could possibly have done to deserve being spoken about like that. Have you been drowning kittens in your spare time? No? Didn't think so! How very unprofessional of her to speak about you like that with a colleague.

Do you have a counsellor or someone you can speak to about this. It sounds like you need to work it through to stop it affecting your mental health.

yellowraincoat · 12/07/2012 19:54

Like others have said, this is no reflection on you. Only on her. What kind of fucking person SAYS those things? Who even thinks them?

I can be a real spiteful cow in my thoughts, I'm not a particularly "nice" person, but oh my God, I would NEVER even THINK those things, let alone say them.

It's her who is in the wrong, OP. You sound lovely.

greenplastictrees · 12/07/2012 19:54

You have to speak to real life people for support. Do you have a good friend/family member? Someone you can trust. You need someone who will keep reminding you that this isn't your fault and that you are not in the wrong.

StealthPolarBear · 12/07/2012 19:54

Yes Lunatic, that is what I've been trying to say. There are very few people I hate but even when it comes to them I actually have no compulsion to slag off their looks or sexual attractiveness.

yellowraincoat · 12/07/2012 19:54

Is there something you can do this eve to cheer yourself up? Film? Book? Telly programme?

CurrySpice · 12/07/2012 19:55

Oh OP you've made me be stern now

She is the one with the problem. Not you.

She is bitter and vile and eaten up with...I would guess insecurity tinged with jealousy.

she has the problem. Not You

Repeat that until you start to believe it young lady

:o

perfumedlife · 12/07/2012 19:55

whathashecatdonenow you sound like a lovely, compassionate and sensitive woman, just from these few posts that much is clear. She, on the other hand, sounds like an utter witch. I pity the man she's marrying and i fear for the kids she teaches. I would report her. If you can't face that, why not write to her, declining the wedding invitation and telling her why?

You are none of the things she said. Nasty, nasty woman, she is to be pitied. A coward too, if she genuinely didn't like you, why is she inviting you to her wedding? Hideous.

DublinMammy · 12/07/2012 19:55

Oh my GOD, whathas, I am totally Shock about what she said, you poor sod hearing such disgusting, toxic filth from two revolting people. This is a mirror held up to THEM and it's not a pretty sight. This is NOT what other people think of you, it is absolutely not. Take your time in dealing with her. Cancel your hotel room and wait your own sweet time to let her know you won't be going (good idea thinkfast). Have a massive Wine, watch some crap on tv and feel the power of all of us here who are on your side.

ariadne1 · 12/07/2012 19:56

You poor thing. i am utterly shocked. One thing is for certain this CANNOT be brushed under the carpet. I think you need to put everything in writing and pass it to the head teacher , HR contact or whoever.Apart from anything else why was the woman so vicious?? It sounds like she has some real resentment Were you aware of this? Is she jealous of you?
I don't think she is an appropriate person to be a role model for children at themoment.

MammaBrussels · 12/07/2012 19:57

Fuck me, what a complete bitch. Whathasthecat nice, normal people don't think or act like this. Don't feel that you can't tell people in real life. You're not unworthy and people do not think of you in that way because most people are not nasty, two faced, backstabbing bitch cunts.

Don't let this fester and ruin your holiday.

StealthPolarBear · 12/07/2012 19:58

Curry, are you giving the OP lines?
:o
(do they still do that BTW?)

greenplastictrees · 12/07/2012 19:58

And you will doubt yourself by the way. I was in a situation a few years ago where some people at work hated me and told me I was crap at my job, eventually resulting in me leaving. I sort of deep down knew it wasn't true but would doubt myself on a daily basis. It was people who reminded me every time I doubted myself and thought I was an awful person, who got me through it.

Original poster
whathasthecatdonenow · 12/07/2012 19:59

I can't change my weight, I'm within a healthy BMI and any thinner means starvation rations.

I've tried contacts, and I don't really get on with them, so I'm stuck with the glasses.

I can't make myself nice. I don't know how.

OP posts:
TheHappyHissy · 12/07/2012 19:59

WOW, just WOW, what a horrific person that woman really is.

My love, this is not about you at all, it's her. please don't think anything other than she is an out and out bitch.

FWIW, i think you ought to say to her, ideally when there is a fairly good sized audience, and the bloke she was talking with that you heard what she said, and quite a few lines, with the expletives removed if you can - write them down so you can refer to them for dramatic effect if need be.

Stay cool and calm and communicate that she has no business EVER using that language about anyone and least of all you. That you wouldn't be going to her wedding now nor having anything more to do with her. Suggest that if she feels like that about you, she is welcome to seek employment elsewhere, so that she won't indeed come anywhere near you OR 'your spawn' again.

You poor love, I wish I was there so I could smash HER face in for you! ((((hug))))

TheHappyHissy · 12/07/2012 20:00

Ignoring her really isn't an option, not with what she said. seriously.

TouTou · 12/07/2012 20:00

That may be the way to do that, if you can't face her, write her a note declining her wedding invitation and explaining you overheard her discussing you the other day and that after what you heard you'd rather she kept away from you. Y I wouldn't be able to confront her either, as brave as I can be on here!
What a cow she is. Curry spice has put it well.

StealthPolarBear · 12/07/2012 20:01

"if she genuinely didn't like you, why is she inviting you to her wedding?"
I'm guessing she's a bit short on real friends
and I bet she has an arse like the back end of a bus

FairhairedandFrustrated · 12/07/2012 20:01

Whathas, don't you dare let the shit opinion of a shallow cunt reflect on you!!

You hold your head high and know you've done nothing wrong at all

I, for one, would hate anyone as nasty, low, opinionated and immoral to teach my children...

tryingtonotfeckup · 12/07/2012 20:02

I cannot add anything to what everyone else has been saying but I will repeat it, please believe us, this says everything about her and just how nasty she is, and nothing about you. Anyone who can think, let alone say, that about anyone has no redeeming qualities at all.

Please talk to someone in RL otherwise it will eat you up inside, I'm great at stewing over something but if I pluck up the courage to talk to someone else it loses its impact, its not as big a problem as it seems. Talking reduces its effect on me.

Oh, I bet not everyone sees her as the golden girl, some people will see through her, they just haven't said anything to you and don't get involved with her.

Lots of hugs, chocolate and crap DVDs, that always helps me.

CurrySpice · 12/07/2012 20:02

Stealth I might be Wink