To be upset about this and wonder what to do?

[whathasthecatdonenow]

I work with someone I considered a friend e.g. we go on nights out, I'm invited to her wedding etc. This morning she was working in a different room when someone phoned our communal phone for her. I went to get her, and overheard her slagging me off to a colleague from another department. She was using really foul language and insulting my appearance, saying I had no personality, was sexually frustrated, she wanted to smash my face in for breathing, she wished I'd just kill myself.

I just backed away down the corridor and burst into tears and have barely been able to hold it together for the rest of the day. I'm so upset and I don't know how to even be in the same room as her now. I'm contemplating just not going into work tomorrow. I suffer with depression and was having a relatively 'happy' period but as soon as I heard this I just wanted to hurt myself.

I know we all have a moan about people, I'm as guilty as the next person, but this just felt incredibly vicious. AIBU to be so upset as I assume she never meant for me to hear?

I almost feel sorry for her...

Only kidding, I don't. It is good to see someone actually suffering part of the pain that they have made someone else feel. She is going for the sympathy vote though. Please don't ask her how she is when she does surface, because she didn't ask you how you felt after the character assassination, did she?

I think you've handled this with dignity and without letting it upset you into keeping quiet, which is really great. And I agree about not asking her how she is etc - just let her get on with it, and you can get on with your stuff, especially now you've documented it. How was the line manager about it?

I've lurked on this and would like to say, well done OP You've handled that well. I think the idea of the unopened envelope is a good one. It means that you won't have the guilt of totally screwing with her career, but you have an insurance policy.

I think she is probably genuinely ashamed of what she has done. Partly through fear, yes, and partly because being pulled up must have made her suddenly realise how childish and immature and downright wicked her words were.

Just keep being dignified, try not to discuss it with others in the school and I hope you are feeling better.

Whathasthecatdonenow - what a dignified and courageous response to a particularly horrid episode. For what its worth - you sound like the sort of person we would all like as a friend.

Yes op you have been very dignified and mature about it, your fantastic respnse is the best way to teach her a lesson (pardon the pun)

I don't think I agree with this sealed enevelope business.Either you want to make a complaint or you don't for 2 reasons.
1 Your LM ought to investigate a complaint if it uis brought to her
2 It is like you are keeping this woman dangling will i make a complant about you or won't I? If you don't keep me happy I'm going to get management to open that envelope.I know you aren't, but it could be viewed as setting up a blackmail situation.

Will she know about the envelope though? I would think that the LM would have a word with her, let it be known that an official complain had not been made, but as it had been brought to her attention by cowbag she was obliged to ask whatthecat what was going on.

In no way am I blackmailing her, as far as I'm concerned the matter is at an end. I was simply taking the advice of people on here to avoid having the situation turned on me. I do not want to make a formal complaint at all - I have no desire to have this sorry turn of events played out formally, nor to get her in trouble. However I also do not want her claiming that I have created a hostile environment. I don't think she'd do this, but if I've learnt anything from this it is that I don't know her at all.

I want to move on and concentrate on my job.

Well done on your handling of a very difficult situation OP. I don't think it is a coincidence this has happened at the end of a long term. The woman has been vile though and it is a shame this will be on your mind all through the holiday.

I am not sure about the sealed envelope, I am surprised your LM accepted it. Either you are taking it further or you are not. You need to think about it and perhaps discuss it with a union rep or a trusted relative or friend.

Oh no!
Now I'm not sure about the envelope either thanks to Bonesey who has a very good point. I see why you did it, but now I do wonder if it looks like blackmail. Perhaps make it 'explode' at the beginning of end of term. Tell your LM that you would like the matter put to rest at the end of term providing that you are satisfied it has all been handled correctly. That way, you can enjoy the summer without all this hanging over you and make a fresh start in Sept.

Oh dear, I will get the envelope back tomorrow and destroy. I don't want to be seen as blackmailing her or holding anything over her.

I think perhaps it is time to start looking for a new job.

I'm being a total bitch aren't I? I should just tell her it is all forgotten and move on.

I don't trust my own responses, hence why I posted on here. I'll get it back tomorrow and say sorry.

Mea Culpa.

OP, you're not being a bitch.

If your manager accepted the letter, she obviously saw that as a fair way to deal with it.

Why tell her it's forgotten? It's not. Let her get on with it, you get on with it. The way she's acting, I'd imagine she'll be the one looking for a new job anyway.

"whathasthecatdonenow" I think you've done the right thing.

If you don't actually tell her about it then you're hardly blackmailing her are you? You've bent over backwards to be reasonable to her IMO.

Don't get it back, otherwise she COULD turn it all around on you, which is what everyone was saying.

At the most, take it out of the envelope and give the contents back to your LM. Do NOT take it all back, you need written contemporaneous evidence of what happened.

I don't think it does look like blackmail, if it's more to make sure your side is documented before any possible other versions are put out there by her, and only gets used to confirm that if starts being horrible again. It's not as if you've told her 'keep quiet or I'll open the envelope', and the line manager won't say that to her either, so how would she even know the envelope is there? I think it's fine. If it came to it you could just say 'by all means read my version of what happened but I wanted to emphasise that this is not a 'formal' complaint by me - just my notes.'

What everyone else said!

If I don't take it back I'm worse than her because I'm holding it over her head. I don't want to be that person. I just thought it was a bit of security, but I can see now that I'm being awful because she was just caught up in the heat of the moment whilst I've considered this.

Thanks for putting me straight. I think I'm going to bow out now because it is quite upsetting to think that I've been so nasty.

Will the bitch know about the sealed envelope or is it a secret? I think you are better off making a formal complaint. Thereafter keep a diary of everything and hand it to your LM every single time something is said or done or you are worried about something. Written evidence is absolutely key here.

You are very courageous, well done :)

But you HAVEN'T been nasty, you didn't give the envelope to your LM to be nasty, you just gave it as insurance in case SHE turns nasty.

Please, don't take it back.

I know you're worried and panicking a bit now, but please remember the horrendous things she said about you. You need to protect yourself - as you say, you don't know her anymore, so you don't know what she may do.

She doesn't know about the envelope, and there is no reason for her to know. Therefore you are not blackmailing her.

You haven't been nasty. You've stood up for yourself against a vicious bully.
DO NOT GET THE ENVELOPE BACK.

If you want to hold on to any self respect do not backtrack now. Stop trying to be nice and to protect her, she didn't want to protect you and your feelings did she. If she thinks you won't do anything she will probably turn against you.

Trust yourself, you've done the right thing.

Just read this thread. DO NOT TAKE THE ENVELOPE BACK!! You are covering your own backside with it. And you are also giving her a chance to mend her ways. You aren't holding it over her head. I think that this is the kindest thing you could have done. I would have made a formal complaint. and slapped her silly

She seems like just the sort of person who would turn nasty over this please please don't take the envelope back.

You haven't been nasty, you have been dealing in a totally reasonable and honest way with a situation where someone treated you really badly, and covering yourself in case she decides to do it again. That's it. She has been nasty, not you. If you want to avoid the the envelope idea, just open it tomorrow give the manager the notes as they are - there is nothing at all wrong with giving them your version of events.

Honestly OP, you don't come across as nasty at all, and I'm sure nobody will think that. They'll think it about cowbag at work, but that's her fault not yours.