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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset about this and wonder what to do?

334 replies

whathasthecatdonenow · 12/07/2012 17:32

I work with someone I considered a friend e.g. we go on nights out, I'm invited to her wedding etc. This morning she was working in a different room when someone phoned our communal phone for her. I went to get her, and overheard her slagging me off to a colleague from another department. She was using really foul language and insulting my appearance, saying I had no personality, was sexually frustrated, she wanted to smash my face in for breathing, she wished I'd just kill myself.

I just backed away down the corridor and burst into tears and have barely been able to hold it together for the rest of the day. I'm so upset and I don't know how to even be in the same room as her now. I'm contemplating just not going into work tomorrow. I suffer with depression and was having a relatively 'happy' period but as soon as I heard this I just wanted to hurt myself.

I know we all have a moan about people, I'm as guilty as the next person, but this just felt incredibly vicious. AIBU to be so upset as I assume she never meant for me to hear?

OP posts:
tangerinefeathers · 14/07/2012 02:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whathasthecatdonenow · 14/07/2012 19:51

I've taken on bored what people have said, and I think I'll see if I can document what she said but not have it taken further. I'm not sure if that will work as my LM might be forced to investigate further if I do that, but I shall ask on Monday.

She wasn't who I thought she was and I don't want to be anything other than professionally distant. I wouldn't want to be friends with anyone who could say such things about any other person, so I suppose in the long-run I haven't lost anything because I didn't have it in the first place. Not sure that makes sense but it sort of does to me!

OP posts:
Frontpaw · 14/07/2012 19:59

She's an idiot, that's all. You should pity her (but still document and submit it to the LM). She can't have any real friends because she doesn't know how to behave.

Keep your head up. People like her usually end up picking on the wrong victim (I am a great believer in karma). Maybe her being caught out this time will make her think about her behaviour and think twice before doing it again. You may have saved her from a good kicking future altrication with a real psycho bitch a less understanding person.

SecretPlace · 14/07/2012 20:05

Oh poor you :( keep strong, ignore the horrible bitch. Only people who are unhappy with theirselves feel the need to slag someone off so much in such a horrible way.

If I were you, I'd ram my fist down her throat. But I'm not, youre much more lovely and sensible. Xx

pinkappleby · 14/07/2012 20:17

I think you are right to document it, what she said was very extreme, and if the line manager thinks it was just her moaning about you then she might have a very different impression of events.

LunaticFringe · 14/07/2012 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AllPastYears · 14/07/2012 21:10

Is she really a grown woman? She slags you off so foully OP (and in such a stupid, childish way - "smash your face in for breathing" Hmm) then cries in the toilets? Hmm and double HmmHmm

Plaguegroup · 14/07/2012 21:43

The thing that really strikes me about this is it's not anywhere near the realms of normal office bitching. I'd imagine all of us have a whine about people who don't pull their weight, spend all their time on the phone to their DP, make messes you have to clear up, etc. That's normal, some people are bound to rub each other up the wrong way. I have one colleague who has a tendency to make unpleasant remarks about others' appearance, no-one pulls her up on it because we're all nervous about getting on her bad side but uncomfortable silence descends when she does this, it's not pleasant at all, but still within what I'd consider normal workplace behaviour (just).

Expressing a desire to smash someone's face in and wishing they'd kill themselves is just totally freakish behaviour. If I overheard someone talking this way, even if it was about someone I didn't like, I'd be shocked. To hear it about yourself must be beyond awful. Big hugs for you, you sound thoughtful, decent and kind.

Please report what she said though, she could do this to someone else and, if she still has an unblemished record at that time, they might not be believed. She is unlikely to get into serious trouble when it is just one incident and one person's word against another, it will stay on her record though. Hopefully that will be enough to prevent her ever doing this again, but if she did, the person she did it to would instantly be believed.

Also you do need to think about covering your own back. I had a situation with a colleague (who had been a friend before we even started working together - which made it much worse). There was an incident at work where she did something underhand, which nearly resulted in me losing holiday I'd booked, I chose to forgive, forget and move on rather than making an official complaint. She then did something unforgivable unrelated to work, I stopped speaking to her apart from the bare minimum required to be professional. She made a complaint about me and I was hauled into the office for investigation. I've never been in trouble at work before or since, no action was taken against me (because there was no basis for her complaint) but I could never forget it was on my record until the day I left (for a much better job - hah!).

Sorry this is so long but I wanted to share my experience, workplace bitches often try to get their victims into trouble. I wish I'd spent less time giving second chances, because of a friendship I'd thought existed, and made some formal complaint about the first incident.

illcryifiwantto · 14/07/2012 23:04

if your going to do something do it now while its all fresh in your mind days or weeks later you might start doubting what you heard

i think what she said was disgusting and i would love to give her a bollocking on your behalf

i hate bullies with a passion , i even have a hissy fit when my eldest dog try's to bully the younger ones i can't stand it

i think bullies are scum eating pieces of shit and it will come round and bite her in the ass probably, when her darling husband to be realises what a fucking bitch he is marrying and either dumps her at the alter or shags her best mate and leave her

Cant you snip a bit of her hair and get a voodoo doll and we can all put pins into and ruin her big day

or better still ring the church and cancel the wedding

illcryifiwantto · 14/07/2012 23:16

also what she said is simply not normal -yeah we all have a bitch about friends family ect but what she said was way way over the top its just not what normal people do

She seems like she has serious issues to want to smash someones face in, and wish they kill themselves why on earth would you say that thats said by someone who is fucking nuts ( imo)

you are perfectly normal on the other hand - to be upset and disgusted and hurt by what she said is perfectly normal and acceptable, its not normal what she said and, and its most definatly not normal to talk about another person, or any person like that why would you, In my personal experience of bullies they try to speak bad about people that they feel threatened by in some way, it makes them feel better ( she must have a really shit life) for some reason you threaten her, probably that your smarter than her and a much nicer person than she is

however, if your feeling really evil, you could tell a few of us on here what church she is getting married at and when and we could gatecrash the ceremony, we could fart and snigger when she is saying i do
and when the vicar ask dose anybody know why uttercunt can't get married we can all shout out cos we want to smash her face in and stop her from breeding

I'm sure you will have umpteen offers to do that for you

illcryifiwantto · 14/07/2012 23:31

apologies i didn't read the whole thread and realise that you have spoken to your lM

i understand that you don't want to cause a scene but i think that you should ensure that
1 she apologies to you
2 something should be on her personal record what she did /said was unprofessional and awful she has shown her true colours

finally she is crying not because she know she was in the wrong she couldn't give a shit about that
she is crying because she has got caught,not because she feels sorry but because you know what an uttercunt she is and she has been outed

no matter how stressed she is about her poxy wedding, dosnt mean you get to say such vile things about someone

wish you all the best op i think you have handled it wonderfully i know that i wouldn't have done so i always admire such restraint in people its something i have never managed to achieve

and i would still loooove to ruin her wedding for you

IvanaNap · 15/07/2012 00:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

Earthymama · 15/07/2012 08:13

I think you should contact HR in confidence, or your union if you like your rep, get everything down in writing and ask for counselling.

I can't stomach the way that language and attitudes like this are acceptable. I have never ever said anything like that and I have met some funny buggers in my time!

It's awful when you can't control how you react, someone who was in a bad mood came to take it out on me recently and I was heartbroken as I'm just not used to being treated so badly. Some people have no boundaries!!!

You need to still that inner voice that is taking on board the evil woman's comments; can I recommend mindfulness? Just google it, will really help.
Sending Blessings, Earthy xx

boneyjonesy · 15/07/2012 20:00

I know this must be all very raw and painful for you at the moment.But as time goes by I think you might come to see things differently.What she said was inexcusable but I think she was acting out of intense jealousy and deep insecurity and not because her whole friendship with you has been a lie.
People do say things they don't mean when they are under great stress

Plaguegroup · 15/07/2012 23:16

Wanting to ruin someone's wedding is just as despicable as the things said by the work colleague illcryifiwantto, the way to truly beat bullies is to rise above it, not let them hurt you and be the better person.

Good luck for tomorrow whathasthecat.

WhataTreat · 16/07/2012 00:36

I have no idea how someone could speak that way about a friend, absolutely disgusting and I hope you're okay. I don't think stress is any excuse - many of us have been under unimaginable stresses and not resorted to such foulness.

I'd be grieving the lost 'friendship' too and I hugely admire you for going into work and facing her the next day!

I do think you should give a copy to your line manager. Just calming say that although you don't wish to take it further for the time being, you'd like it to be kept on record in case of any future incidences which may affect the well-being of other staff members or pupils. And leave it at that. Be strong and happy at work and don't engage with her, or the male colleague she was speaking with, and certainly don't believe anything she said!

I hope you enjoyed your fondant fancies - I have massive cravings now! Here's a cheeky hug too Wink

ThatVikRinA22 · 16/07/2012 01:07

im so sorry OP, what an absolutely horrible thing to have happen. but i have just gone back to read what she said about you, and it is inexcusable.

it wasnt normal workplace moaning. it was despicable. If i thought for one moment a child of mine had overheard that i would be so livid, she is not professional, and does not deserve such loyalty.

i would put a complaint in. not to be horrible, but she needs to learn some decorum, professionalism, and humility, and she must have known what she was saying was so foul.

im not surprised at how hurt you are.
but i would let your line manager see what she said, talk it through with her and see how you feel afterwards.

she sounds vile, utterly vile, and as friends go, you do not need a friend like that in your life.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 16/07/2012 14:18

hoping today went well for you and you managed to get this in writing while still fresh in your mind.

pigletmania · 16/07/2012 14:54

What a nasty piece of work. So she considered you so bad she I bites you to her wedding g Hmm. Custardo has some great advice I would certainly let her know what you heard, hold the high ground dont go down to her level , but just tell her how hurt you are and that you don't consider her a friend anymore. Old your head high, p,ease don't let her get to you

pigletmania · 16/07/2012 14:54

Invites you doh

pigletmania · 16/07/2012 16:18

Omg she got found out and used some stupid lame excuses as to why she was so vile and horrid. I really weep if these type of teachers are teaching our kids, there is no hope. Please please do not bet yourself up or feel ashamed you have nothing to, this individual should be feeling like you do, not you

LurkeyLurkerson · 16/07/2012 16:28

I hope today was ok OP

Penguinface · 16/07/2012 16:40

OP, I hope you're ok. Her comments were extremely vile and I think you have every right to be upset and offended. That is the kind of language and vileness you would expect from drunken yobbs on a stag do, not a friend at work! I read it to my DP and he said he would have refused to carry on speaking to someone who talked like that at work (and he's pretty ripe himself!! Please carry on being a good, nice person and do not take her meanness to heart.

I fell out with a good frined recently and it really hurts me. We both bitched about each other. She blanks me which kills me and has made me not want to make up but ikwym about "griveing for a lost friendship".

Personally, after that level of nastiness, i would not give your friend another chance but all i can say is I said some pretty nasty things in the heat of the moment that I now regret. I didn't ever hate my friend and I really enjoyed our friednship but i got wound up and said some nasty stuff, which i wish I could take back. in your case, i don't think your friendship has been a lie but her comments were so awful, i don't know if ic ould be friends with someone like that afterwards. this is a bit confused, hope it sort of helps Smile

whathasthecatdonenow · 16/07/2012 17:19

Hello, just an update if anyone is still interested.

She wasn't in today, apparently she has a migraine. Some might say that it is a bit of a coincidence that she starts suffering from migraines right about now, but I couldn't possibly comment Wink

I had documented everything I heard and I spoke to my LM and passed it on in an envelope. I said that I only want it opening if there is a repeat or she tries to blame me.

I hope she is thinking about the consequences of her words, but I don't know her anymore so I don't know if she is just licking her wounds or generally feeling ashamed.

OP posts:
yellowraincoat · 16/07/2012 17:24

OP, I think you've done really well, both in telling her you heard her and telling your line manager.

She's obviously pretty messed up. That's sad but I don't see it as a reason for her calling you names. Really horrible behaviour.

I hope you feel better about the whole thing.