To be upset about this and wonder what to do?

[whathasthecatdonenow]

I work with someone I considered a friend e.g. we go on nights out, I'm invited to her wedding etc. This morning she was working in a different room when someone phoned our communal phone for her. I went to get her, and overheard her slagging me off to a colleague from another department. She was using really foul language and insulting my appearance, saying I had no personality, was sexually frustrated, she wanted to smash my face in for breathing, she wished I'd just kill myself.

I just backed away down the corridor and burst into tears and have barely been able to hold it together for the rest of the day. I'm so upset and I don't know how to even be in the same room as her now. I'm contemplating just not going into work tomorrow. I suffer with depression and was having a relatively 'happy' period but as soon as I heard this I just wanted to hurt myself.

I know we all have a moan about people, I'm as guilty as the next person, but this just felt incredibly vicious. AIBU to be so upset as I assume she never meant for me to hear?

She sounds vile and is clearly upset that she has been found out.
Good for you for telling her what you heard (I'm not I would be so brave) and for telling your line manager.
Good thing is she can't talk about it without admitting what a bitch she is

My long, convoluted and slightly patronising point ws that she did this because she's a bully, and a violent one at that. She bullies because she is a bully. It's no more about you than if you were both at school. She bullies because she's a bully like lions eat zebra (or lion food, or whatever they eat)

Good I'm glad and hope they are real years and not to try and get some sympathy.

Stay profession with her or she will turn it round on you. Work can't demand you are friends but you do have to be polite.

I hope she realises what she's done.

go on, you were with me up to the rather poor lion analogy, weren't you? :o

Ok - now you need to watch out here. She is playing the drama queen 'poor me'routine. You made her cry. That will be her story. She was stressed and angry and the other colleague probably egged her on, etc etc etc.

Make sure that your boss knows that you did not confront her, she sought you out (she prob got whiff that you knew) and cried like a kid that had been caught out. What did she say to the manager - obv it included you as she sought you out. Make sure she knows that you are the injured party and are considering your options. Crocodile tears do not count as an apology and no, you can't 'take it back' (not in my book anyway). I would ask for her desk to be moved as far from yours as possible as yes, she did voice a wish to physically harm you. She needs counselling, which will go on her employment record.

Please put it in writing to your boss - the timeline and what you did (ie nothing until she sought you out, then she turned on the waterworks when she realised she was caught out). Say how it made you feel - I would be seriously worried working with someone with that muich venom in her head, and what outcome you want from this. And also state that you will take it further if your wishes are not respected.

Many of us here have been through stress and real crap in our lives (try watching your parent die from leukemia) but haven't gone around sticking the knife in anyone, let alone a friend.

What makes me a bit pathetic is that I know I will miss her. Or rather the her that I thought I knew. She was more than a colleague, I went to her son's birthday parties, we took him to the zoo together in the holidays, shared the funny and sad moments that teaching brings. I have to deal with the fact that this must have been fake - I couldn't even say those things about her now, let alone before. I just don't understand what she got out of the 'friendship' if these are her true feelings. It all seems so completely odd.

It doesn't make you pathetic, just a normal person who has empathy and feelings.

:( It sounds like oyu were good friends. She probably thought so too. Bullies do often turn on their "friends". She has never grown out of the spiteful, bullying phase

It seems odd because it is odd. It is not a normal or reasonable way to behave. Your feelings do not make you pathetic, they make you a normal, caring person who is grieving for the end of a friendship.

I am slightly concerned that if the matter ends where it is, she will see it as a green light to continue behaving as she pleases - either targeted at your (well, you did make her cry ) or finding a new target.

I'm glad its out in the open.

Do not see her as a mirror in which to view yourself. She is like one of those warped fairground mirrors that distorts everything.

Her opinions of you are worthless because she doesn't value anyone but herself, she is crying because she has been caught out and told off, not because she thinks she has done anything wrong. Basically, she is trying to make the whole thing about her hurt feelings and dramatic sorrow rather than your genuine hurt feelings. Well fuck her and the horse she rode in on! She deserves everything that gets thrown at her.

Do not agree to mediation as she will twist everything to being about her and her feelings. I would raise a grievance if you feel strong enough.

You have shown yourself to be a decent, strong and dignified person and she has shown herself to be a self-centred vile bitch. I know who I'd want teaching my children!

(((unMN hugs)))

I just wonder if it could be some sort of breakdown? I think she might be having second thoughts about the wedding (a lot of extreme flirtation is going on with male colleague she was ranting to), and I'm confused about why you would spend 7 years pretending to be the friend of someone you quite obviously loathe.

I understand what people are saying about taking it further, but I don't know if I can. Either she admits it and gets in trouble (not what I want for her) or she denies it to SLT and we have to have an investigation and lots of stress for both of us.

Whatever happens, from my end it is strictly work only now - professional and distant.

yuk, she is vile to the core. While she may not have meant what she said about you, she still said those words. In view of her being bollocked for not doing her work properly and then compared with you (who has) it sounds like she was angry with herself but chose to spout about you.

Distance yourself, she is clearly not someone who you need to have around you.

And now that she has been caught out she is playing the 'victim' card. NAH, she's a horrid bitch.

Try to have a lovely weekend so you can go into school next week and chit chat about the nice things you've done.

Of course you feel sad and confused about her behaviour. You are mourning the loss of a friend who has acted in an unspeakably bad and unfathomable way. I doubt you will ever really know what possessed her to say what she did.

FWIW I agree with Stealth she probably did think you were good friends. She was showing off and thought you would never find out. I am sure she is feeling pretty awful now. And deservedly so.

Enjoy those fondant fancies

No, lovely... she's not having a breakdown.

She's embarrassed about being caught out, hence the tears.

She's a bitch and a bully and a coward. Don't mourn the friendship.
x

You are too nice! But agree, take it no further and be professionally frosty to her

Has she given you any indication she is having second thoughts about getting married OP?

I suspect that she was your friend but on her terms and possibly one of those terms was that she thought of herself as a little bit superior to you i.e. she was the senior partner and you were the junior partner.

When her work was compared unfavourably with yours that would have upset the hierarchy she had in her mind and probably made her very angry with you as it damaged her sense of superiority.

This is total guess work on my part but might explain why she has flipped from friend to bully.

I also would personally confront her.... Then she knows why your no longer friends with her! :)

It is sad, however, it's better to learn that her friendship really isn't worth it!

Well done, Whathas, you handled this beautifully, kept your dignity, stood your ground, made your point. I would love to have such poise in the face of such a horrible situation. Do watch your back with her though, I would be inclined to follow some of the advice on here, esp. Frontpaw's. The worst is over now, you have done yourself proud. Have a fabulous weekend, enjoy the fancies....

The tears are not because she is sorry for being a bitch - she's just unhappy to have been caught.

I would ask to be moved away from her in the staffroom, to avoid any unnecessary scenes, but if you don't want to lodge a grievance I would not take it any further - just be professional towards her. You may choose to forgive - it's up to you - but please don't even forget.

Now, enjoy the weekend and the fondant fancies (adds to own shopping list for tomorrow...) :)

*ever

Can't believe she said 'can we just forget it'. As if you can 'just forget' something like that, on a personal or professional level. I think she probably is upset about it in some way but I bet she actually is scared at being caught out too.
Either way, as someone upthread said, it's not your choice to affect her career or not, it was hers when she said those repulsive and spiteful things about someone who didn't deserve them, just to show off to some bloke

breathes

Well done for handling it really well. I think whatever you decide to do now, you already look like you've reacted calmly and professionally over it. And I'd much rather be your mate than hers :)

I am so happy for you that this is out in the open, while sad that you feel that you have lost a friend. I can understand that it might have peed her off, having your work shown to her as an example BUT the venom that she spat out is not rational. I could not think these things about a distant collegue let alone a friend.

Keep it professional and understand she is on her own with her thoughts. No right minded person would say these things about someone and think they could maintain a friendship. She is crackers!!!

I'm not sure that I can add much, I think ChazsBrilliantAttitude has a very good point about why this woman is so very angry although that is no excuse for such vileness.

I can understand why you may not want to pursue this further, I hate confrontation and would be very worried about it coming down to 'he said she said'. However given this woman's profession and the fact that she presumably spends a significant amount of time around potentially vulnerable children I think it is important to have her words, and his, on record.

Could you put together a purely factual account of the events. I'd make no demands about how the matter should be followed up but maybe express a preference to move to a desk further away from hers. Or anything else you think would make it easier for you to move on without making it impossible for the two of you to continue to work in the same building.

Tread carefully OP.

I would get it all in writing to your line manager NOW.

She has already revealed herself to be an untrustworthy manipulator. She will not magically stop now she has been caught out - instead she will try and twist the situation round.

You get it in writing, you give it to your LM, and you ask that whilst you do not wish to raise a grievance at this time her desk be moved etc.

Otherwise I guarantee that what will happen is she will tell everyone that you overheard her making some harmless jokes at your expense and got the huff, big time, (probably with a snide comment about your stress / mental health) and as a result you slagged her off to your manager even though you knew she was stressed just before her wedding, she cant believe what a bitch you were to her blah blah blah.

Please get it in writing OP.