To be upset about this and wonder what to do?

[whathasthecatdonenow]

I work with someone I considered a friend e.g. we go on nights out, I'm invited to her wedding etc. This morning she was working in a different room when someone phoned our communal phone for her. I went to get her, and overheard her slagging me off to a colleague from another department. She was using really foul language and insulting my appearance, saying I had no personality, was sexually frustrated, she wanted to smash my face in for breathing, she wished I'd just kill myself.

I just backed away down the corridor and burst into tears and have barely been able to hold it together for the rest of the day. I'm so upset and I don't know how to even be in the same room as her now. I'm contemplating just not going into work tomorrow. I suffer with depression and was having a relatively 'happy' period but as soon as I heard this I just wanted to hurt myself.

I know we all have a moan about people, I'm as guilty as the next person, but this just felt incredibly vicious. AIBU to be so upset as I assume she never meant for me to hear?

I am going to sound like my mother now

She's jealous.

That was why she was horrible about you to male colleague. She is jealous.

I bet you are popular, and good at your job, and kind and thoughtful, with a good life. She wants it and can't have it due to a poisionous core. I had a "friend" like this. Such a relief I have nothing to do with her now.

She's getting married in 3 weeks (I heard through grapevine) but not a teacher, otheriwse they could be the same person!

Great post Grumpia

I agree 100%

I'm two fondant fancies in and I think the sugar is working well.

I've written everything down, unsurprisingly every word is etched in my memory. At the moment I don't want to go any further with this, but I don't have to make a decision until Monday so I'll see how I feel then.

I was very low last night and dreading today, but you ladies picked me up and dusted me off and I know now that she doesn't have the ability to make me feel bad about myself unless I let her. The person I liked and respected isn't there anymore and I have to accept that and move on. I've come back from worse and she isn't going to break me.

and I hope you'll all accept unmumsnetty hugs without banishing me to netmums.

Noooo not the hugs :)

Please listen to grumpia and get it in writing

Please DO NOT make excuses for her sordid behaviour - NO real friend would do this. She is a nasty bitch and you need to get tough and get it all written down now as she WILL turn it against you

whatcan I think you should report her

a) she deserves it

b) closure for you

c) may save the next person from her shyte

d) it may help her mend her ways! via seeking therapy

e) she might bully other people outside of the work place

I know how you feel missing the ex friend, it is natural even when you find out they're vile inside and fake. It is normal.

Well done for tackling it. You were very dignified. I would have wanted to chuck a drink over her

Make sure your LM has your report of the incident on record just incase she does something. I wouldn't trust her for one moment. You don't have to make a grievance.

Boo hoo, was she 'crying' in the toilets then? Bet she made damned sure someone could overhear her.

I'd also tell someone else the vile things she said because i wouldn't be surprised if she is going around like the wounded party telling people a lot of nonsense to cover her back.

Don't make excuses for her. he deserves to be upset and ashamed, she's an arse!

Don't be a pushover OP, she's in the wrong and remember that feeling of how she upset you,I'm sure you're not the only one she's bitched about. Well done for your dignity when you met her.

You are essentally grieving because she is not what you thought she was. It's almost like she knows you are nice and genuine and one of the best friends she could have, but then maybe she thinks you are not seen as cool enough or whatever crap and so she has this other side to her where she is bitch face.

If she was genuine about what she said on the marking then you would either a. overheard her saying something along the lines of Miss goody 2 shoes" etc or if she was a good friend she would have come up and told you that she'd been told off and even got shown your books and maybe ribbed you a little, maybe just maybe.

She is someone with issues no matter what. I once read an excellent "saying" if you like and it was this -

What other people think of me is none of my business

You cannot control what other people think or say - that belongs to them, however horrid But you CAN control how you deal or react to things as best you can. You seem lovely, worth a million of someone like that.

Remember this is your decision, do not let her or use or anybody define who YOU are.

report the bitch

You have done so will in a horrible situation you can do all the hugs you like.

Whathas, you are extraordinarily dignified, and sound as though you make a great friend. The loss of a friendship is hard; perhaps -to lean rather too heavily on your cat theme- you might view it at not a friendship lost, more the ejection of an especially tangled and poisonous hairball from your life.

I agree with the posters above that you're wise to document this in writing. It's a measure of your generosity that you fear for her mental health; personally, I think it's all down to pure spite. Maybe she is stressed, but if she is so stressed that she cannot control what comes out of her mouth then she certainly should not be teaching. I don't believe it's a case of "I'm stressed, I said some totally unacceptable things and I'm sorry"; if she is honest with herself, it'd be more like "I'm stressed, I'm pissed off that my work is being criticised while yours is used as a good example, and I wanted to relieve my stress by saying some violent, hateful things about you".

The tears are not from a breakdown. They are because she knows she has been caught out doing something very wrong. She has made violent threats in the workplace about a colleague - the tears are because she knows she could be in the shit. I think she could well act like a cornered animal now, and start going on the attack (Whathas was eavesdropping, she confronted me and made me cry, etc etc) so you need to protect yourself.

Remember that you heard this. It could easily have been a child- and what message would that have sent out? That this is a school where teachers make threats of violence against other teachers?

Personally, I think I would pass the written factual account not only to my own line manager, but also to their line manager and to whoever is in charge of HR. I would say that I had no plans to either launch a grievance procedure or contact the police about the threats of violence at this time, and I'd also include a comment about the effect that the comments could have had if they'd been heard by a pupil. Also may be worth mentioning that, given the violent threats against you, you do not want to work with this woman in any teaching team.

Actually, I'd probably contact my union's regional office first.

A question for MN'ers who know more than me - surely in a case like this the line manager should deal with this regardless of whether the OP wants to raise a grievance or not. The LM can't unknow what happened so surely she or he is duty bound to take some sort of action?

whathasthecat. I am so glad that you are feeling better now that this is out in the open. I hope you enjoy you fondant fancies. I love the pink ones myself.

If I were you, I would want some sort of action taken as what she did was shocking behaviour. Her admission that she was upset over marking and stressed over the wedding is pathetic. I would almost have respected her more if she said she believed what she had said! What she did is NOT normal, goodness knows what she would be like if something truly upsetting happened to her. I think you should tell your LM exactly what this woman said and tell that you expect something to be done. I do think it would be reasonable and understandable if you also said that you did not wish to be involved in the matter any further. That's what I am thinking, but I would also listen to what those other clever MN'ers have to say.

and to go with the fondant fancies.

whathasthecat Sorry if this has already been answered but how old is this woman? she seems very immature.

She seems unhinged.

Don't people outgrow that sort of behaviour when they leave teenagehood behind them?

I understand you not wanting to take it further - I wouldn't either. But please, at the very least, document it.

She doesn't need to any the wiser that you've done it, but you're covered.

You now rejecting her friendship is hardly going to lead to her fading into the background, being that she is unhinged and deeply immature. She could make things awkward, at best.

TroLoLoLo we are both early 30s, she's a few months older than me.

I understand what people are saying about covering my back. I had thought of that. I'm still confused by the whole situation and I know that if I have a choice I don't want her to get into serious trouble because we have shared good and bad times in the past and she has been (or has appeared to be) supportive. That makes me seem a pushover, but I have to think of the rest of the department in this too - the tension is pretty awful now, and investigations will only make it worse.

I know that she is well liked by the students, so can only think that she is professional in the classroom, although it does worry me that any student going for a wander could have heard what I heard.

good to hear that you are feeling better today, its a good feeling to confront a bully, her actions are not that of someone who is mortified to have been overheard but bothered that they may be in trouble.

As many others have said, put an account of this writing to LM even if you dont want any action taken, this could have been said about a child and overheard

How awful for you, I think most people would be very distressed to hear a collegue, who they believed to be a friend, speaking about them in this way. If you don't want to speak to your line manager straightaway, have you thought about seeing the occupational health department (assuming you have access to one in a large organisation). They would put what happened on record in case you wanted to take it forward and would also be able to offer you some emotional support. Poor you.

Can you say that to your manager? That you don't want to take it further but you do want some record of the incident and what you heard on record?

I only want to say how brilliantly you handled it. You must be a very strong person as I think I would have thrown a sickie. Keep holding your head high, it's sad she wasn't who you thought she was, but you'll meet many more lovely, geninue people over your lifetime.

Did you say you have a partner, OP? If so, are you able to talk to him about this?

Reporting her doesn't have to be about getting he into trouble although that would be good too it is about covering YOUR back. Don't be taken for a fool, get it reported so she doesn't turn it against you.

I would agree with the others that say get something in writing to management / HR. You can say that, given that she is in the run up to her wedding and its close to the end of term, you just want the matter put on file for now. However, you do want it recorded because it was unacceptable behaviour and should there ever be recurrence you will use it as evidence that this sort of behaviour is not a one-off.

Wow - well done OP! You handled it amazingly.

Enjoy the fondant fancies (but save one for me pls).

Don't have anything constructive to add I'm afraid, but having been through something very similar myself recently, I know how difficult this must be for you.

A very un-mumsnetty hug to you!