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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suggest paying less rent to DP?

240 replies

violetbunny · 11/07/2012 18:52

Be kind, this is my first post in AIBU! I'm moving in with DP and can't decide what is a fair amount of rent to pay him.

Background:
DP owns a 3-bedroom house. He occupies 1 bedroom, and rents the other 2 rooms to lodgers at £500pcm each (inc. utilities). The lodgers will remain for now. All bedrooms are of equal size and the rest of the house is a shared area.

The issue:
The plan is for DP and I to share a room when I move in, and we need to agree how much rent I should pay. As DP owns the house, it's not like there is a fixed amount of rent owed on the property which we need to divide up. He has a mortgage, though this is already covered by the rent from the existing lodgers. He has suggested that I pay £400pcm, but given I think I could rent a similar sized room in the area on my own for around £450-500pcm, I think this seems a bit high. His reasoning for it being so much is that he thinks he's undercharging the lodgers. I've searched online for room rentals in the area and so far the evidence suggests the lodgers are paying about the market rate, but I could be wrong.

My suggestion is to ask DP to work out the cost of his room (based on what the lodgers pay, I'd say it's £500pcm minus utilities), and I will pay half of that. Plus I'll pay some extra on top as well to cover my share of the utilities (total utilities divided by 4 people). I'm fairly sure the total amount will be less than £400pcm, so I want to be sure that my reasoning is fair before I suggest it. So, please tell me, is this a fair approach or AIBU?

Note: Before you all tell me to "leave the bastard", I should mention DP is generally quite kind-hearted and generous, but is the first to admit he doesn't have a head for figures. He has most likely plucked a number out of the air without giving it any proper analysis, IYSWIM.

OP posts:
NovackNGood · 12/07/2012 00:43

f you expect to be treated with respect then don't be a freeloader who thinks that just because you are a girlfriend the man must now provide for you. Have some self respect and pay your own way. No body likes a freeloader.

Longdistance · 12/07/2012 00:45

No chance would I move in with him, when you'll be sharing the room anyway.
He sounds like he's taking the piss.
He's taking you for mug.
When my dh had lodgers, when he was my bf, then fiance. He asked me to move in. I said, unless he gets rid of the lodgers no.
As it happens I sold my house, and bought into his, making it mine too, so they had to go.

NapaCab · 12/07/2012 00:49

I wouldn't say the OP sounds like a freeloader, Novack?? She's keen to pay her fair share, it's just determining the fair share that's the issue. Don't know why you're going off on her like that.

OhTheConfusion · 12/07/2012 00:55

Violet, short term sounds more reasonable. I think Mary's idea was fab and would give you a good start to a 'lodger free future' or a 'if in need' fund. There is no point in having a tenancy agreement as if you were to split up you wouldn't want to continue sharing a bedroom with your then ex for the notice period (so would leave asap) but you would be liable for the notice periods rent Confused

Your young, loved up and about to be flatless... go have fun and keep the deposit from the flat you are about to leave aside just incase :)

TheSpoiler · 12/07/2012 01:07

OhTheConfusion: Smile

Laquitar · 12/07/2012 01:34

Tenancy Agreement??

Make sure you mention snoring in it. If he snores you, the tenant, have the right to withdraw the rent until the landlord fixes the problem.

What about guests?Wink. Are you allowed or not?

Bloody hell where is this house?

geegee888 · 12/07/2012 06:38

I'm a bit surprised at so many posters suggesting the OP should live there Scot-free, simply because her DP has paid off his mortgage. Whether or not he has paid off his mortgage is irrelevant - in life, in general, its better to pay your own way. Especially at the start of a live in relationship. I thought £400 was too much, but it seems as if the DP has seen the light over this.

The point of a tenancy agreement is to give the OP some security, should they split up, as she would not want to find herself homeless with no notice. Yes, its not very romantic, but the other reason for having one is so that she can point to a record of paying, should things go wrong.

As for the house being shared with 2 others, I can't see the problem if its a big enough house, especially at the start of a live in relationship, when they are just trying things out. Theres hardly any point in him evicting his tenants, or uprooting when they're only just starting out on living together. My SIL shared my PIL's house when they were living abroad with her now DH and another lodger, as a paying tenant, when she had already started seeing him.

iscream · 12/07/2012 07:04

250 plus 1/4 of the utilities. That is the fair share.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 12/07/2012 08:27

So if OP pays the £250, how much if it will go to the existing tenants? After all the conditions under which they live there would have changed. Also what a bullshit about undercharching them.

Floggingmolly · 12/07/2012 09:00

Oh ffs! Tenancy agreement Hmm. Don't move in with this man, he is so not ready to share his life with you.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 12/07/2012 09:14

Is this a business relationship or a personal one.

Why are you paying rent to your DP

OK help out with the bills, go halves on the food but why should you pay rent....seems very strange!! I havent read all the answers but am sure this is probably what most people are saying too.

Does this tenancy agreement state if you split up you still have to share the room and his bed??? Curious and Curiouser!!

wanderingalbatross · 12/07/2012 09:21

I know I said earlier that I was in the same situation and moved in, but there was a point earlier in time when I had to move out of my house and (now) DH asked me to move in. I said no at the time and moved into a flat for a year. Before I did actually move in, we had the marriage/kids conversation so we both knew what we were getting in to. Moving in together was the test to decide whether we wanted to get married and share our lives!

I think you have a different perspective on this when you have lived with someone and shared finances for many years. At the time I first moved in with DH we were both young, not sure if it would work out, and so keeping everything separate was great for us. Now, with a marriage and baby, no way would I do it!

You should be aware though that a tenancy agreement wouldn't be worth anything. Lodgers, which is what you would be, have almost no rights. They can be thrown out with no notice and there's nothing you can do about it. It's a different situation from where the landlord lives in a different place. So if you do decide to go down this route now, then make sure you have savings just in case.

LadyInDisguise the reason I said 'pooling finances' earlier is that the OP moving in without paying anything is her effectively making money from her DP's savings, etc. So she is having to pay less because of the way he organised his finances in the past. Fine when you're completely committed. Maybe not the best solution if you're in a new-ish relationship and moving in is a bit of a gamble.

Socknickingpixie · 12/07/2012 15:13

this might be totally the wrong way to view the matter but i do think in this day and age it should be a concideration.

if you cohabit for a year or longer you obtain certain rights just as if you were married.
this means that he cant just kick you out after the year say like in 17 years you broke up you would be able to seek a claim towards the house just like a wife can,if you bung him cash if things go tits up he could attempt to claim you made no viable contribution (if children arnt involved you would have to show a contribution of more than wifely duties,what ever wifely dutys are to back up any claim) its no longer a case of not married not valid.

if you have paid towards the mortgage or day to day running costs/ maintainance of the house then you should have a legit claim to it but you need to be able to prove you have done, so just paying for food if he argued would be a differcult one,this is where lots of couples end up at a disadvantage if they split. also just paying for own living expenses but then having a claim would be a bit unfair.

so i guess you have to work out what would happen if you parted company would you be concidered to have made contribution towards the actual house rather than just personal living expenses and or directly contributed with effort and finances or be expected to walk away with tail between legs leaving everything to him because it was his first.

SaraBellumHertz · 12/07/2012 15:17

He doesn't need your rent to pay the mortgage so he will be profiting from you?

Sounds like a real charmer....

WhataTreat · 12/07/2012 16:05

I've only had time to read about half the posts, but could you not find somewhere together and he could rent his room to another lodger/rent the whole house to a family?

I'd be reluctant to pay rent to a partner, it just doesn't sit very well. I also think it's unfair that he's looking to make extra money out of you. By all means pay towards the bills, but why would you pay for a room which is occupied by him anyway?!

ethelb · 12/07/2012 16:11

calm down! I have a good friend who paid rent to her dp as she didn't want to freeload. I raised an eybrow but she paid and they are due to marry soon and as she has already paid a significant contribution towards the mortgage she feels that the house is 'hers'.

Not everyone's cup of tea but I do think that posters huffing and puffing on here about a woman paying her way need to wake up from the 1950s.

ethelb · 12/07/2012 16:28

omg i have just read back over the thread. OP you have been given awful advice. Of course you need a tenency agreement to make sure you are safe and secure in your home.

Bloody home owners without a clue on here spout all kinds of bollocks about renting.

A tenency agreement means you can't be chucked out on your arse at a moments notice or made liable for repairs. WH Smith do a standard one for about £20. Just go and get one, both sign it and put it away somewhere safe. Hopefully you will never need it. Grin

Graciescotland · 12/07/2012 16:39

TBH I'd want to pay rent so I didn't feel like I was freeloading £250 seems fair given that you're sharing a room.

ethelb · 12/07/2012 16:41

I think a lot of people on this thread just don't approve of renting tbh.

All of this: 'But you would be paying towards a house and have no stake in it Shock'

People really do have the principles they can afford.

delilahlilah · 12/07/2012 16:50

ethelb - I think you're missing the point people are trying to make. This situation is a little different due to the existing lodgers. Tenancy Agreement is not as workable in this scenario eg she wants to finish with him and move out but has to give notice? They continue to share a room/ bed until notice period is up?? Can't really camp in the living room when there are others sharing it can you?

kmdwestyorks · 12/07/2012 16:52

half what he pays is fair. After that he's making a profit and that's not healthy for the long term relationship

Which is fine if he's a landlord and you have your own room with a lockable door but he's meant to be a partner and you don't have your own space

ethelb · 12/07/2012 17:02

My friend's DP had existing lodgers. Why should she get to live for free just because her Dp has invested in a property? BTW he has now suggested she pay no rent so any amount paid is what OP wants to pay.

Plus some landlords are 'live in' and there are legitimate tenecy agreements that can be drawn up to include this information.

I can't beleive that posters who normally howl at women who haven't set themselves up to be in a positive financail situation are slamming the OP.

Tenency agreement works both ways wrt to being chucked out. Landlord needs some protection too as does she.

Socknickingpixie · 12/07/2012 17:11

ethelb i dont disaprove of renting.

nobody can change the fact that if you rent you know you have no stake,but if a owned house is paid for by 2 people who on the serface have an 'our view' then they are in it togather.you do need to know where your at

if one party makes a decent contribution towards fixtures/fittings/repairs (expenceis that renters may not have) or mortgage in the knowledge that they are paying a mortgage as opposed to rent then they do need to protect themselves if the other person percives them as just paying rent to stay there and as such having a 'yours or my' view that person will have profited from a relationship to the others disadvantage stuff like that leads to bad feeling.

NowThenWreck · 12/07/2012 17:39

Whoa there!
I am a renter, and know SHITLOADS about renting!
A tenancy agreement protects you not a bit.
All a standard tenancy states is that you can be turfed out with one months notice, and no tenancy is legally binding for more than 6 months anymore (shorthold tenancies are all there are now).
It also would not cover sharing a room with your landlord!

I can also do sums, and I know that half of ZERO (what OP's man pays in housing costs) is ZERO.
It's got eff all to do with the 1950's and everything to do with what is fair.

Of course OP should pay her share of utilities. And if the lodgers get their rents reduced, then THE couple should pay any shortfall between them.
This is in no way a gender issue. It's just weird.

RevealYourselfTinySongstress · 12/07/2012 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.