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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To suggest paying less rent to DP?

240 replies

violetbunny · 11/07/2012 18:52

Be kind, this is my first post in AIBU! I'm moving in with DP and can't decide what is a fair amount of rent to pay him.

Background:
DP owns a 3-bedroom house. He occupies 1 bedroom, and rents the other 2 rooms to lodgers at £500pcm each (inc. utilities). The lodgers will remain for now. All bedrooms are of equal size and the rest of the house is a shared area.

The issue:
The plan is for DP and I to share a room when I move in, and we need to agree how much rent I should pay. As DP owns the house, it's not like there is a fixed amount of rent owed on the property which we need to divide up. He has a mortgage, though this is already covered by the rent from the existing lodgers. He has suggested that I pay £400pcm, but given I think I could rent a similar sized room in the area on my own for around £450-500pcm, I think this seems a bit high. His reasoning for it being so much is that he thinks he's undercharging the lodgers. I've searched online for room rentals in the area and so far the evidence suggests the lodgers are paying about the market rate, but I could be wrong.

My suggestion is to ask DP to work out the cost of his room (based on what the lodgers pay, I'd say it's £500pcm minus utilities), and I will pay half of that. Plus I'll pay some extra on top as well to cover my share of the utilities (total utilities divided by 4 people). I'm fairly sure the total amount will be less than £400pcm, so I want to be sure that my reasoning is fair before I suggest it. So, please tell me, is this a fair approach or AIBU?

Note: Before you all tell me to "leave the bastard", I should mention DP is generally quite kind-hearted and generous, but is the first to admit he doesn't have a head for figures. He has most likely plucked a number out of the air without giving it any proper analysis, IYSWIM.

OP posts:
QueenofPlaids · 11/07/2012 22:07

Depends how you view things.

I you are truly a 'tenant' then you should pay half room rate, but with an addition for the extra utilities you use.

That said, if he's charging a flat rate to all for utilities, that doesn't stand.

What is the 'deal' as it were? Is he desperate to move in with you as love of his life, leading to marriage / long term partnership without lodgers / whatever you're after? On the face of it it doesn't sound like a great deal if you can get equivalent or better accomodation on your own for he same or less.

I also wonder how long you've been together, relative income to. If this is an early move, this may be an okay arrangement (but again if early days could be benefit in waiting)?

Either way, it sounds more like a convenient arrangement than a commitment, which might be fine, as long as eye open etc.

geegee888 · 11/07/2012 22:11

I think he sounds a bit like he is afraid of giving you something for nothing, OP. Kind of like he is holding back and protecting himself, not a great trait really but so many men seem to be like this. In which case, if you are paying rent, protect yourself too and get a tenancy agreement.

Original poster
violetbunny · 11/07/2012 22:44

Thanks for all your feedback everyone. I've now had a chance to chat with DP. He was very open about it all and said that he really doesn't care what amount I pay if anything at all as he just wants me to move in and for us to be happy together. He said he hadn't given any thought to the amount at all, and was mortified that I had thought the amount he suggested was too much. He said he was sorry if it had made me feel uncomfortable and that if I want to contribute then any amount I think is appropriate will be fine.

We've also agreed that we will sort out a tenancy agreement as well, and that if/when any of the lodgers move out, or if our relationship changes, we will reassess the situation. Just to clarify, this is a relatively new-ish relationship so for now just the moving in part is a big step for us.

Thanks again everyone.

OP posts:
PavlovtheCat · 11/07/2012 22:45

geegee 'goodwill' - is that what the youngsters call it when you give your partner a blow job these days? Grin

PavlovtheCat · 11/07/2012 22:48

A Tenancy Agreement? like 'no posters of Mr Grey placed with blue tack' and 'do not paint our room red' and 'you are responsible for making your side of the bed' and 'I can ask you to leave with x notice and you will forfeit your deposit of...' how much deposit are you paying?!

What is he/you afraid of about moving in, sounds like you might not be ready to me.

squeakytoy · 11/07/2012 22:51

a tenancy agreement?

are you another lodger or his partner????

TheSpoiler · 11/07/2012 22:51

OP - I've been there with the co-habiting + multi-lodgers thing. Don't do it. Even before getting into the financial issues Sad.

WhatWouldMargoDo · 11/07/2012 22:54

if it's a newish relationship, why the rush to shack up? i would really think twice about this op, you need your own space and you wouldn't have any living in a shared room in a shared house.

Margerykemp · 11/07/2012 23:08

You can't have a tenancy agreement for a room you share with your landlord.

Neither of you are ready to cohabit.

Keep your own place until you can live together as equals.

OhTheConfusion · 11/07/2012 23:16

I just can't imagine moving in with a partner and lodgers... having to get dressed to nip to the bathroom. No sex other than in the bedroom and having to think if you will be home alone before you can have a romantic night in or serious chat etc.

Have you considered letting your bf's room to another tenant and renting somewhere small for yourselves... a love nest?!?

totallypearshaped · 11/07/2012 23:23

I'd wait for now until the agreement with the lodgers has expired. Only then move in with him.

I knew someone who did this and he got his girlfriend to effectively pay his rent for him when she moved in - fastforward a few years and they had a very acrimonious and expensive divorce: I wasn't surprised when I heard he tried to screw her inheritance out of her (during the divorce, her mother had died and left HER money). He was mean through and through - my god he was mean - an accountant - urgh.

I get the same warning bells with your 'D'P Violet - PLEASE don't ignore the warning bells we are hearing from all of us, just cos you're in love with this tightwad. Really, he's taking the piss.

Stay put, and when the lodgers are gone then move in if you still want to.

Original poster
violetbunny · 11/07/2012 23:26

OhTheConfusion - that could definitely be an option, but this is what we've decided to do in the short term. Part of the reason is that I have to move out of my current flat anyway at the end of this month, I'd have to find somewhere new to live anyway. Agree that it's not the most romantic option but for now it's the best one for the short term for various reasons.

OP posts:
Original poster
violetbunny · 11/07/2012 23:29

TheSpoiler - what was your experience, can you share?

OP posts:
mumblecrumble · 11/07/2012 23:29

When my, now husband moved in with me and my flatmate we divided the rent into 3 instead of 2.

It menat my flat mate benefitted from the extra person so therefore was much happier about sharing with more people :)

Also, as IF I would charge him any more!!!

QueenofPlaids · 11/07/2012 23:30

What others have said. I did make the mistake of moving in with a P at a young age 2 bed flat so less issue. Was able to give then P a reasonable amount of space and less than his previous rent. Plus tbh we were lucky. We broke up acrimoniously, but we are both inherently reasonable people with no kids and no shared assets. And tbh, we had been together a while.

Not trying to put a dampner on things, but this does sound like a very young relationship. If I was repeating my life, I would repeat my previous relationship (I now have two good friends - my ex and his wife!) but I would not move in at that early stage. DP and I maintained flats for 2.5yrs, despite the waste, though for some we let a room in mine (but ended up all in there as my flat was nicest!) and laterally let his for a nominal fee. We've been together 10yrs and in our own house since 2005.

Original poster
violetbunny · 11/07/2012 23:31

Just to clarify, DP has stated he's not expecting any financial contribution. Tenancy agreement was a suggestion by me (not him).

OP posts:
QueenofPlaids · 11/07/2012 23:47

Violet - that sounds much better. If you do think this is long term, could you come up with a plan to put back money for the future for both of you to live without lodgers? Am assuming you are quite young.

Tbh I'm a mercenary bugger in principle, but terribly generous in practice, so not in the business of throwing stones. Having said that, I'd be having a good think about where you want to be in 5-10yrs, both in terms of relationship and life more generally. And for gawd's sake discuss your future. Limping along in our 20s is shit (I've done it), even with the right man.

Margerykemp · 11/07/2012 23:48

Right then, how about this:
You take the £400 pcm and put it in an ISA as savings towards a deposit you could use towards a future house together. If you stay together he will get a long term benefit from this money (so can't complain about being exploited) but if you break up you can use it to get somewhere yourself?

You will need emergency cash anyhow as you won't have any right to notice if he decides to throw you out, so unless you want to stay in a homeless hostel you should have a hotel stash.

cerealqueen · 11/07/2012 23:57

Great advice margerykemp

inabeautifulplace · 12/07/2012 00:03

The above idea sounds pretty good. If you decided you wanted to have a fantastic shared experience like an exotic holiday before you bought together it could also be used for that.

LapsedPacifist · 12/07/2012 00:21

Fuck that. His mortage is covered by the other lodgers. He is not subsidising you, so you pay half the expenses. You are living with him because you are his lover. Why should you sign a tenancy agreement?

You aren't there warming his bed so that he can make a PROFIT from you.

Don't you have any pride? Hmm Perhaps you should start charging him for shags and dinners cooked.

TheSpoiler · 12/07/2012 00:22

violetbunny: Said 'Multi-lodgers' were very nice people indeed - like you I had no wish to displace them. Indeed, I was far keener than ex-Mr Spoiler on my making a financial contribution. However -ime- in these circumstances once you are past the age of enjoying an adventure & want a more comfortable/settled existence, there is no sense of being at ease - 'sharing' is like having to be on your best behaviour 24/7.

NapaCab · 12/07/2012 00:28

Your update makes more sense, violet. So if the long term plan is to end the lodger arrangement and just pay for the house together, why not just wait to move in together until then?

It honestly sounds like a nightmare to start a live-in relationship as one of four in an otherwise all-male (it seems) household. It wouldn't really feel like you were moving into a home you can make together, it would be more like a flat-share.

Why not suggest to your DP that you hold fire on moving in together until the lodgers are gone?

Nagoo · 12/07/2012 00:29

You should pay half of what it costs him to live there.

So if his mortgage is covered, then you pay your share of the bills, that's it.

He should not be profiting from you living there, your his girlfriend, not another lodger.

I agree though, that it is a good idea if you start saving for your future, paying mortgage without lodgers or an escape fund.

NovackNGood · 12/07/2012 00:41

Well it's his house so his rules. You could try to negotiate a little off the price or as you say there are other rooms locally available so you could live there.

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