less than 2 weeks notice of cutting of contact...

[WeeDom]

I live some distance, about 300 miles, from my children (the reasons for this are many, and not the topic of this conversation).

Mrs. Ex and I have been divorced for about six years, During each summer holiday, we had custody of the children for exactly three weeks, and for the entire Festive Season alternating years. This worked well, mostly, although she arranged a two week family holiday, once, for halfway during the family holiday (meaning I could only have two weeks with the girls) and I made it clear that this was not ok, since it was done without consultation, and should never happen again.

Three years ago she met a new man. I've never had a problem with this and, indeed, went out of my way to meet the guy shake his hand, and congratulate him on meeting a good woman, shame it never worked out between her and I, etc. I've never been rude or impolite to him, even shaken his hand on another occasion and thanked him for being good to my children.

So... my good character ascertained, eh?

Three years ago, co-incidentally, we started to have problems. Where I would previously have slept on her sofa whilst visiting the children, and she might give us a lift here and there, now I'm not allowed near the house. At eldest childs 9th birthday, for instance, I was at a particular low ebb financially, but hitchhiked to their town to see my daughter for her birthday. I made it there, barely, but they whisked both children away to the nearest big town leaving me to (their words): "get there or miss them". Their little village isn't on a bus-route and whilst they drove past me in pouring sleet/rain, with a spare seat in their car, I had to hitch into town along a road regularly used by huge lorries - I twice had to dive into a hedge to avoid getting hit.

I hope that sets a bit of a picture - there are far more examples like this, but I shan't carry on.

So - this year.

In March, Mrs Ex invited me to mediation. Mediation was a complete waste of £180, on my part, f*ck knows how much on their part. Again, I don't know how much detail to go into here, but suffice to say it consisted of such nonsense as -

• you drove to Scotland overnight (arrival time appox 2am), once, without taking breaks I would have expected you to take. This was dangerous (Not only did the children arrive safely, have a great weekend, and get delivered back safely, but Mrs Ex and I regularly drove there and back with the children in a weekend whilst married)
• Youngest once had a dirty nappy whilst you were asleep. This shows neglect.
• You hadn't hoovered your car when you picked up/delivered the girls.

I'm sure you get the picture. Sorry about the pre-amble, but I feel I need to set that picture a bit.

Shortly after mediation (March 27th), I contacted Mrs. Ex and asked her if I could have the girls for the first part of the summer holidays:

Her reply:

"Date: Tue, 27 Mar 2012 18:01:02 +0000

With regard to the summer hols, first of all the 20th to 4th Aug is only 2 weeks.

... (some text/names removed)

I'll get back to you as soon as I can find out, but would you let me know whether you actually meant 4 August, or the following week which is the 11th. "

Oops, went the reply, thanks for pointing out the mistake. I did indeed mean three weeks.

No further contact until June.

Then: 22/06 - "For this summer holiday, I would suggest we go back to you picking the girls up on Wednesday 25th July and bringing them back on Monday 13 August."

Er - no, that's five days off the three weeks! And Granny and Grandad have flights and accommodation booked, arriving here on the 20th, departing 25th!! Why are we only hearing about this now??

Then 27/06 - "I would like your agreement that you will bring the girls back on Saturday 11 August please at a reasonable time.

You have made life more difficult as we can't get Eldest any of her new uniform from New-school until Tuesday 24th July. All the other dates the shop is open is whilst the girls are away. I can get some things, but Eldest needs to try the blazer on.

Please just send back confirmation that you will pick the girls up Monday 23 July and bring them back Sat 11 July. "

so a) We've lost at least two days with the children b) I'm responsible for the opening times of a shop 350 miles away.

But - "please just send back confirmation that... etc". She's asking me, and she's quite clear on this elsewhere (Festive Season completely removed two years ago for non-compliance!!), that I have to send her a letter confirming that I will agree to cut short our agreed three weeks. If she doesn't receive this letter, then she will make sure that she and the children are not around when I turn up to collect the children on 23rd July.

To summarise, a little - my parents are flying here from Scotland to visit their children towards the end of July. Unless I send a signed letter to my ex-wife stating that I will cut short my Contact time with my children, then neither me nor their grandparents will be allowed time together as a family.

The children are perfectly happy whilst down here, they've never been at risk. Indeed, the two DS's have been assessed by SS, because they were HE for a year or so, and the assessor seemed bored at having been sent out to such a boringly well functioning household.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking that none of this is ok?

really good idea fedup

I'd be stopping replying to any of these now...it seems to matter not OP...whatever you may say, explain...you are just feeding into the insults and derogatory attitudes of some of these posters here....give it up and do whatever you feel is right for you and your DC's...finding, hopefully an even keel and compromise with your xw....

If you read the details of some of OP's posts...you would understand that before they were divorced...they had planned to move house...his ex pulled out at the last minute when the plans had gone ahead and the move was happening and OP went ahead....she chose to leave him at the new house, etc....he did not simply disappear 300miles away from his kids...his ex refused to go at the last minute and left him there alone....this is not as you have been accusing...he didn't abandon his family as you have decided to presume...

If posters weren't backing this OP into corners with accusations and assumptions about him...he wouldn't be talking so much about his rights, etc...it's getting really tiresome now...all this attacking of OP...it's totally uncalled for in so many ways...

how long have you been paying a substantial amount of maintenance ...ffs...what does that matter...he didn't have a steady income and was on benefits...he found work and pays maintenance...if a person doesn't have a job...what do you fxxking expect him to do?...he supplemented his income with being a musician....rock and a hard place...what did he do wrong there exactly???....not having employment is a real big issue for millions...or did nobody notice this fact...he's been lucky to find a decent job that pays him a decent income now...thats what matters surely!!!

I am trying to help.

yes zookeeper ...but most of the replies on this have been just awful and uncalled for nastiness....I know aibu is probably not the best place for OP but this has been really quite upsetting to read some of these posts by people and just so unhelpful...I'm not sure if it were me that I wouldn't be sitting here in tears with some of this stuff...it's wrong and callous and downright nasty stuff...whats wrong with some people....really?!!!!!

well to be fair the OP has sounded rather pompous and arrogant at times and there is no sense at all that he could have done things differently or might be at fault in any way

(sorry Weedom , you're probably not at your best)

Yes there is truth in that...but it's probably partly to do with just trying to reply to so many things at once...and not all of us are so great at wording well...look at text messaging and the issues they make when someone takes a sentence the wrong way...this has an element of that too ...rather than clarifying before judgement alot of ppl just jumped on it....

I tried to be helpful also...

fair point sooz.

Anyway I'm off to bed.

Honestly Wee, change your tactics. I hope it works out for all of you.

yea..bedtime....take care and I hope some of the advice has been of help to you
Take care...and enjoy your summer time with your DC's

Reading this over again: it's clear that at the moment both the OP and his XW are hung up on 'Who's right'. And the only way out of this sort of stalemate is for someone to back down and give in, for the sake of the DC.

Why shouldn't it be you, OP? Would it be such a dreadful thing to do as your XW asks, just for a while? She isn't asking you to cut your cock off, or vote BNP or anything: all the stuff about alternative lifestyles is not a totally unreasonable point, but you can do more on that as the DC get older and the situation gets more relaxed.

op deffo not trying to jump your bones so your perfectly safe

ive been thinking about this nearly all night because its kinda forced me to reflect on my suituation to a degree.

my ex and i hate each other i also hate his girlfriend my reasons are because he has no intrest in his child outside of his extreamly limited contact (compleatly his choice not mine) costs me a fortune because hes keen on running to court for every little thing(hes been warned to stop doing it as it now concidered vextatious because i am not in any way making it differcult) he has no regard for my time,only lives 5 mins down the road yet i have a 4 hour window to wait for him to collect because his time is more important than his,his gf is very offensive about me to our child(he recently informed me that she had told him i was a cunt) he chops and changes the arangements constantly to suit him yet will not tollerate me requesting any changes is shouty and bullying if i even comment on his actions,he constantly lies to the csa refuseing accounts ect and i only get a fiver a week maintainance (i should be getting about £80 a week on his income) and he never bothers to get our child anything essential and wont treat him or take him anywhere.basicly what bhe wants is paramount what child wants or needs matters not.he lets him out and about by himself (he has significant special needs and is not able to be unattended)

from his view,he has rights and has to use every oppertunity to assert these,money has nothing to do with how you care for a child,my other ex made it very differcult to see my kids so im not even going to give you a chance to behave well im going to assume your not going to because all rp's are gits,you left me so why should i provide anything and as recently told to me "not my fucking problem" when i asked if he could pop child to docs for jabs as he was unwilling to give me a actual time for collection to enable me to plan the appointment(jab clincs only one day a week).what i do with my child in my time and who they are around is fuck all to do with you how i talk to him is fuck all to do with you.

and ive been thinking what would assist us to be better towards each other and its boiled down to this.

1. agree to not do anything that most people would concider to be a risk.
2. dont keep the company of people who have had there own children removed due to cp,when dc is with you dont place them in a care possition.
3. respect each others time,give a actual time for drop off and collection.
4. be intrested in outside contact issues like school ect

5.dont shout and yell when with dc. 6.show due regard to rp dealing with day to day things,

1. if you know an action may cause an issue talk it over in advance,
2. dont stick to your guns about everything somethings are not worth the battle sometimes some people just need to feel in control or think they are even if you know there not.
3. be honest and dont treat funds as a weapon

i know all wont apply to your suituation but they can be tweaked to fit.try and work out whats just a different style and what most people would concider risky,this helps avoid any amo or arguements,ask her opinun with out saying 'im going to' chances are she wont raise an issue but if she does then you can work out why,try to keep arangements formal and written covers both your backs then. and if you can back down about somethings it will make her feel more listened to i.e the swearing thing,just say 'ofcourse i wont swear and would make sure dc's know its not ok to' think this way its no big deal to use polite language but how on earth could she inforce it? she cant so just say its fine.

i hope that helps and gives you things to ponder over.

oh and dont say stuff like i can discharge my responsabilitys, yes you can do it but rights and responsabilities go hand it hand and the only way you can discharge either is by removing pr thus not being there dad anymore. its the type of thing that is pretty much defo going to get a negative reaction.

i hope you dont think ive been unfair or unkind with what ive typed

oh, and socknickingpixie, sorry to have kept you up all night thinking about this. I didn't get a lot of sleep, myself :(

oh, and (again to socknickingpixies) by "discharging my responsibilities" what I mean is fulfilling them. Not discharging as in getting rid of them.

Of course parents have rights. Legal rights, that can't just be removed on a whim. The Human Rights Act, article 8, enshrines the right to a personal and family life. I have it on very good authority that most court cases are now looking to that, rather than the Family Act, for guidance.

WeeSmartArse - I don't actually care if you read what I post or not. For the sake of others who may read this thread - this is complete fantasy.

I can assure you the family courts look at the Children Act first and foremost when considering contact issues. Ask any family lawyer.

That you're taking advice from a family member who works for the government in Child protection might explain a lot. You may as well ask a dentist about your bunions.I wouldn't assume he knows much about the workings of your average family court dealing with private contact matters given what you're saying. A robust District Judge would not terribly sympathetic towards you on the basis of this thread.

You might find that you'll get the responses you are looking for from this lot :

www.fathers-4-justice.org/

They do a lot of bleating about their 'rights' and rather less about their responsibilities. You will need a Batman suit though....

OP, you think your ex is unreasonable because she won't let you have the chikdren from 20 July, right?

You first said she was using the uniform fitting as an excuse.

However in a much later post, you said the last day of term is the 23rd.

This seems like a no brainer to me - your kids should be at school and that's that. I'm sorry but I don't think that GP contact is a good enough reason to miss school. If you take such a keen interet in their schooling then you should have known their term dates.

If your parents are so intent on seeing your daughters from 20 July, why don't you all drive up to your ex (in your shiny new car) to see them at the weekend and after school? Maybe you can take your parents camping too? What's good for the goose and all that :)

Having read through this whole thread I can only agree with soozedol in that op should refrain from adding to this thread. Most of the posts are at best unhelpful and at worst, spiteful and offensive. Some responses to op clearly indicate the poster has a personal axe to grind which obviously screws up any rational line of thought.

I hope things work out well for you and your family OP, it's a real shame that the support you've found on MN has been interpersed with so much bitterness and anger.

i only used those examples because there relivant to my suituation, my ex's latest girlfriend had her own child taken into care a few years ago,i know this because i used to be friends with her sister who fostered the child,he claims to have no knowledge of this but wont even engage in the convo.
and obviously the court thing was to do with mine as well.

i was up for another reason but decided to multitask by co thinking

how old are your kids now?

No, as he is having the children at a later date than arranged now he wants to take them back later so he gets the full two weeks.

What's so wrong with that? She has agreed to him having them but wants to shave time off. Why does the women get to dictate? The children have the right to see their father.

As for the uniform, they are only away for two weeks she can get it when they come back

olgaga getting a calendar will only help if the exw sticks to the arranged dates, and if she pays attention to when the children break up as it seems she was the one who first suggested the 20 th

Because 'shock horror', perhaps the family already have plans made for the original return date. Holidays, family wedding, birthday celebrations etc etc

It's a difficult concept for some NRPs, but life doesn't revolve around them and their expectations of when the children should be presented for contact.