less than 2 weeks notice of cutting of contact...

[WeeDom]

I live some distance, about 300 miles, from my children (the reasons for this are many, and not the topic of this conversation).

Mrs. Ex and I have been divorced for about six years, During each summer holiday, we had custody of the children for exactly three weeks, and for the entire Festive Season alternating years. This worked well, mostly, although she arranged a two week family holiday, once, for halfway during the family holiday (meaning I could only have two weeks with the girls) and I made it clear that this was not ok, since it was done without consultation, and should never happen again.

Three years ago she met a new man. I've never had a problem with this and, indeed, went out of my way to meet the guy shake his hand, and congratulate him on meeting a good woman, shame it never worked out between her and I, etc. I've never been rude or impolite to him, even shaken his hand on another occasion and thanked him for being good to my children.

So... my good character ascertained, eh?

Three years ago, co-incidentally, we started to have problems. Where I would previously have slept on her sofa whilst visiting the children, and she might give us a lift here and there, now I'm not allowed near the house. At eldest childs 9th birthday, for instance, I was at a particular low ebb financially, but hitchhiked to their town to see my daughter for her birthday. I made it there, barely, but they whisked both children away to the nearest big town leaving me to (their words): "get there or miss them". Their little village isn't on a bus-route and whilst they drove past me in pouring sleet/rain, with a spare seat in their car, I had to hitch into town along a road regularly used by huge lorries - I twice had to dive into a hedge to avoid getting hit.

I hope that sets a bit of a picture - there are far more examples like this, but I shan't carry on.

So - this year.

In March, Mrs Ex invited me to mediation. Mediation was a complete waste of £180, on my part, f*ck knows how much on their part. Again, I don't know how much detail to go into here, but suffice to say it consisted of such nonsense as -

• you drove to Scotland overnight (arrival time appox 2am), once, without taking breaks I would have expected you to take. This was dangerous (Not only did the children arrive safely, have a great weekend, and get delivered back safely, but Mrs Ex and I regularly drove there and back with the children in a weekend whilst married)
• Youngest once had a dirty nappy whilst you were asleep. This shows neglect.
• You hadn't hoovered your car when you picked up/delivered the girls.

I'm sure you get the picture. Sorry about the pre-amble, but I feel I need to set that picture a bit.

Shortly after mediation (March 27th), I contacted Mrs. Ex and asked her if I could have the girls for the first part of the summer holidays:

Her reply:

"Date: Tue, 27 Mar 2012 18:01:02 +0000

With regard to the summer hols, first of all the 20th to 4th Aug is only 2 weeks.

... (some text/names removed)

I'll get back to you as soon as I can find out, but would you let me know whether you actually meant 4 August, or the following week which is the 11th. "

Oops, went the reply, thanks for pointing out the mistake. I did indeed mean three weeks.

No further contact until June.

Then: 22/06 - "For this summer holiday, I would suggest we go back to you picking the girls up on Wednesday 25th July and bringing them back on Monday 13 August."

Er - no, that's five days off the three weeks! And Granny and Grandad have flights and accommodation booked, arriving here on the 20th, departing 25th!! Why are we only hearing about this now??

Then 27/06 - "I would like your agreement that you will bring the girls back on Saturday 11 August please at a reasonable time.

You have made life more difficult as we can't get Eldest any of her new uniform from New-school until Tuesday 24th July. All the other dates the shop is open is whilst the girls are away. I can get some things, but Eldest needs to try the blazer on.

Please just send back confirmation that you will pick the girls up Monday 23 July and bring them back Sat 11 July. "

so a) We've lost at least two days with the children b) I'm responsible for the opening times of a shop 350 miles away.

But - "please just send back confirmation that... etc". She's asking me, and she's quite clear on this elsewhere (Festive Season completely removed two years ago for non-compliance!!), that I have to send her a letter confirming that I will agree to cut short our agreed three weeks. If she doesn't receive this letter, then she will make sure that she and the children are not around when I turn up to collect the children on 23rd July.

To summarise, a little - my parents are flying here from Scotland to visit their children towards the end of July. Unless I send a signed letter to my ex-wife stating that I will cut short my Contact time with my children, then neither me nor their grandparents will be allowed time together as a family.

The children are perfectly happy whilst down here, they've never been at risk. Indeed, the two DS's have been assessed by SS, because they were HE for a year or so, and the assessor seemed bored at having been sent out to such a boringly well functioning household.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking that none of this is ok?

God - will some of you take your feckin' judgy pants hoisted up so far to your eyeballs and give this guy a "BREAK" - he is trying to make a go of it. He did what he thought was best at the time. We all have to make do, given circumstances.

He wants to see his DC's, he is doing his best. Not everyone wants to do the 9-5 thing, nor do they want to live in a town or in a house.

As for the pub thing. it happened, no one has died. He realises he may have made a mistake. End of. He shouldn't get beaten for it. Focus on the issue that he has posted about.

Does the fact that he may live or lived or chooses to follow a slightly unorthodox lifestyle make him a shit dad? no. However it may make him a richer human being. I have many unorthodox people in my life. They often bring character and add colour to my life.

forget about him or his wife, but what about the DCs here? - it is clear they like spending time with him. Did anyone think they maybe upset by not being able to spend as much time with him as they were told?

FWIW -- I would've loved to have camped out in a garden when I was a kid, it would've been an adventure, something childhood is about.

My family and I did this a couple of weeks ago. We had a big family reunion and in my dad's garden we put up tents and my cousins and I left our DC's in the tents to sleep, whilst we went inside to have a drink, and guess what we had more than 2 drinks each. and everyone had so much fun.

I appreciate this is AIBU and it is what it is. But I think it is a bit off for his Ex to start playing the cowbag without good reason.

I couldn't give a toss about the camping in a pub garden, more interested in how access works outside of the summer holidays tbh.

cloudbase - nope. The blazer thing was a late addition.

The dates fluttered back and forth - it started off (in March) as the 20th Jul - 11th Aug.

Then she came back, mid-June, and said nope, 25th Jul - 11th Aug (no mention of blazers at this point)

By this time, we'd already made plans around the 20th Jul - 11th Aug, as we'd heard nothing to the contrary. "Yep, that'll probably be fine" were her words in March. (I should have paid more attention to the "probably")

Why is 20th a problem? Because they have their last day of school on 23rd, it turns out, and none of us had spotted this.

Last day of summer term is notoriously a waste of time, but Mrs X refused to allow them to have even that day off school to spend time with their grandparents. They're due down on 21st Jul, returning 25th Jul.

Eventually, my dad has phoned her, and she's relented and allowed them to be picked up on 23rd, after school. So - 3 days later pickup than originally agreed, so 3 days later drop-off, right? Seems reasonable?

no, she's insisting that the children get dropped off on the 11th, regardless of what day they get picked up. She's not saying what plans they've made - if they've made plans then, in honesty, I'd probably respect that and agree to dropping them back early. But if it's just so that I'm doing as I'm told, then that's a different matter.

op if your secretly a woman pretending to be a man your a twat.
but if your actually a man then do you object to me going back to my attempts to be understanding

I do think on the face of it it sounds like she is being awkward over the dropping back off date.

flibbertywidget - thanks!

Pumpster - it tends to have been adhoc. Still is, to a degree. Lots of phone calls, Eldest is now a dab hand with Skype and Skype IM.

See upthread

I don't have a problem with the camping in the pub garden in principle TBH. My 'problem' is that given how rarely WeeDom sees his DC, I'd have really thought that he could have prioritised them and made the camping into a big adventure, instead of leaving them in the tent and playing the fiddle inside in the pub in return for a few free pints. It's the sort of thing that a RP can do regularly, but just shows skewed priorities when coming from a NRP IMO.

I don't have a problem with pretty much anything that the OP has done; it's more the things he hasn't done. But it's the self-justifying, victimised attitude that grates. Not once in this entire thread has he admitted to doing anything even slightly 'off', instead claiming people are missing the point though feeling free to use off-topic examples of his XW's behaviour when he feels it suits his argument.

I see no reason why a bohemian, indigent musician can't make a great father. But I don't think that people lacking personal responsibility who put their own desires before those of their children make good parents.

Socknickingpixie - I should warn you that I'm engaged. If your sudden switch back to supportive-mode is an attempt to get me into bed, then I'm afraid it won't work.

Other than that, no objections

Court wouldn't help at all - you would have a court order just as you have an agreement now . If she changes it by two or three days here or there but otherwise keeps to the agreement , which she seems to be doing,the court wouldn't really be able to help.

I think you both sound at war and absolutely fixed on not losing an inch of ground ; one of you should back down for the sake of keeping the peace. Your talk of "fighting" for your dcs doesn't do you any favours tbh.

Dahlen, I don't put my desires before my children. My job hasn't always been 9 -5, but that was never about putting my children second. I've moved heaven and earth to make sure my children know I love them

But if it's just so that I'm doing as I'm told, then that's a different matter.

There, in a nutshell, is your problem OP. Why the hell shouldn't you do as you're told? Your ex looks after your children 47 weeks of the year. You should fit in with your children's family life.

As a parent, you have no rights. It's your children who have rights - the right to a meaningful relationship with you. That requires you to make regular, consistent contact. They've obviously never had that from you.

Your girls may well enjoy spending time with you - for now. They may even love you. But they will grow up to be women - and they won't respect you.

actually, most of my musical work has been in addition to 9-5. I've had some pretty poorly paid jobs, and found the violin a necessary thing for topping up my income. I consider myself extremely lucky to be able to do that, and lucky to be able to show the girls that there is another way - that you can make your way without following the herd

thank you olgaga, i was just trying to cut and paste that sentence.

Therein lies the problem

Oh what rot. Moved heaven and earth to let your children know you loved them. Twaddle. Sentimental romantic twaddle of the worst kind. The only actual moving that's happened is when you moved 300 miles away from your children.

I do like the word indigent. I like the word bohemian as well. Neither of those words relate to getting bathtime sorted and books read and school bags packed and teeth brushed though.

olgaga - why should I do as Mrs X tells me?

As a parent, I do have rights. I also have the responsibilities that come along with those rights. And one of those rights is the freedom to discharge my responsibilities without interference.

I have the right, and the responsibility, to show my children that there isn't just one way to do things. That it is ok to spend the night in a tent/hotel without an adult constantly on guard, that the world is not chock full of dangerous paedophiles just waiting for an opportunity to strike.

It's not all about you though Weedom , is it?

Parents do not have rights, only children.

You can't be arsed to see your children enough and you certainly don't pay for their up keep so you seemingly don't pay heed to your responsibilities either.

CrackFox - none of that is true. I pay a substantial amount of maintenance. I see the children as often as I can. Parents do have rights, and responsibilities.

zookeeper - I never said it was about me. I said it was about my responsibilities to the children.

How long have you been paying a substantial amount?

You moved hundreds of miles away from you children and see them when it suits you.

Weedom, You are coming across as someone who would rather continue to argue about his rights than just get on with building some sort of reasonably pacific relationship with your ex for the sake of your dcs, even if that means swallowing the odd lost couple of days.

My advice would be to let this go; perhaps when you want some flexibility to suit your plans in the future your ex will start to be rather more flexible and accommodating too. Your current approach obviously isn't working; it's time to start a fresh one.

I think you should suggest to her that it might be more simple for you to move into the village so you can be closer to your children. You wait and see how quickly she/her new partner start behaving themselves!

How old are your children? It might be about time for them to be able to tell you both what they want to do and how it affects them.

zookeeper - Thank you, I very much appreciate the sentiment of what you're saying.

But I've tried. I've begged and pleaded with Mrs X to stop the adversarial nature of our debates, but this has fallen on deaf ears.

If this was the first time that she'd done this, then I'd agree wholeheartedly. But it's not. She's systematically, over the last three years, shaved away at our time together. There has to be a point when I say "enough"

fedup - oh, yeah, Fiancee and I have discussed that. We both think Mrs X would be horrified if we moved in next door!

Weedom,I hope that was a sincere first sentence as I'm trying to help.

I don't think that is the right thing to do; in any case saying "enough" is meaningless if there's not a lot you can do about it legally, which there isn't.

I really do think you have a much better chance of seeing your dcs on your terms in the long term if you back off now. Stop the begging and pleading. Stop the talk of fighting. Register your disappointment by email or whatever calmly and enjoy the not inconsiderate time you spend with your dcs. If your ex was intent upon your not seeing the dcs she could be doing a lot worse than she is.

Back off and let time and trust grow. Eventually your dcs will be old enough to make their own decisions and the discord that they must surely be sensing now will not help.

I think if I were able to practically do that, I would. I recommend it all the time to people when their partners start playing these kinds of games. They really do think that they can create distance and somehow you're going to stop bothering. If they know they might bump into you in the supermarket or drink in their local they wouldn't treat you with such a dismissive attitude.

It may well be pressure from her new man that is causing this, and that would be even more reason to be firm.