less than 2 weeks notice of cutting of contact...

[WeeDom]

I live some distance, about 300 miles, from my children (the reasons for this are many, and not the topic of this conversation).

Mrs. Ex and I have been divorced for about six years, During each summer holiday, we had custody of the children for exactly three weeks, and for the entire Festive Season alternating years. This worked well, mostly, although she arranged a two week family holiday, once, for halfway during the family holiday (meaning I could only have two weeks with the girls) and I made it clear that this was not ok, since it was done without consultation, and should never happen again.

Three years ago she met a new man. I've never had a problem with this and, indeed, went out of my way to meet the guy shake his hand, and congratulate him on meeting a good woman, shame it never worked out between her and I, etc. I've never been rude or impolite to him, even shaken his hand on another occasion and thanked him for being good to my children.

So... my good character ascertained, eh?

Three years ago, co-incidentally, we started to have problems. Where I would previously have slept on her sofa whilst visiting the children, and she might give us a lift here and there, now I'm not allowed near the house. At eldest childs 9th birthday, for instance, I was at a particular low ebb financially, but hitchhiked to their town to see my daughter for her birthday. I made it there, barely, but they whisked both children away to the nearest big town leaving me to (their words): "get there or miss them". Their little village isn't on a bus-route and whilst they drove past me in pouring sleet/rain, with a spare seat in their car, I had to hitch into town along a road regularly used by huge lorries - I twice had to dive into a hedge to avoid getting hit.

I hope that sets a bit of a picture - there are far more examples like this, but I shan't carry on.

So - this year.

In March, Mrs Ex invited me to mediation. Mediation was a complete waste of £180, on my part, f*ck knows how much on their part. Again, I don't know how much detail to go into here, but suffice to say it consisted of such nonsense as -

• you drove to Scotland overnight (arrival time appox 2am), once, without taking breaks I would have expected you to take. This was dangerous (Not only did the children arrive safely, have a great weekend, and get delivered back safely, but Mrs Ex and I regularly drove there and back with the children in a weekend whilst married)
• Youngest once had a dirty nappy whilst you were asleep. This shows neglect.
• You hadn't hoovered your car when you picked up/delivered the girls.

I'm sure you get the picture. Sorry about the pre-amble, but I feel I need to set that picture a bit.

Shortly after mediation (March 27th), I contacted Mrs. Ex and asked her if I could have the girls for the first part of the summer holidays:

Her reply:

"Date: Tue, 27 Mar 2012 18:01:02 +0000

With regard to the summer hols, first of all the 20th to 4th Aug is only 2 weeks.

... (some text/names removed)

I'll get back to you as soon as I can find out, but would you let me know whether you actually meant 4 August, or the following week which is the 11th. "

Oops, went the reply, thanks for pointing out the mistake. I did indeed mean three weeks.

No further contact until June.

Then: 22/06 - "For this summer holiday, I would suggest we go back to you picking the girls up on Wednesday 25th July and bringing them back on Monday 13 August."

Er - no, that's five days off the three weeks! And Granny and Grandad have flights and accommodation booked, arriving here on the 20th, departing 25th!! Why are we only hearing about this now??

Then 27/06 - "I would like your agreement that you will bring the girls back on Saturday 11 August please at a reasonable time.

You have made life more difficult as we can't get Eldest any of her new uniform from New-school until Tuesday 24th July. All the other dates the shop is open is whilst the girls are away. I can get some things, but Eldest needs to try the blazer on.

Please just send back confirmation that you will pick the girls up Monday 23 July and bring them back Sat 11 July. "

so a) We've lost at least two days with the children b) I'm responsible for the opening times of a shop 350 miles away.

But - "please just send back confirmation that... etc". She's asking me, and she's quite clear on this elsewhere (Festive Season completely removed two years ago for non-compliance!!), that I have to send her a letter confirming that I will agree to cut short our agreed three weeks. If she doesn't receive this letter, then she will make sure that she and the children are not around when I turn up to collect the children on 23rd July.

To summarise, a little - my parents are flying here from Scotland to visit their children towards the end of July. Unless I send a signed letter to my ex-wife stating that I will cut short my Contact time with my children, then neither me nor their grandparents will be allowed time together as a family.

The children are perfectly happy whilst down here, they've never been at risk. Indeed, the two DS's have been assessed by SS, because they were HE for a year or so, and the assessor seemed bored at having been sent out to such a boringly well functioning household.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking that none of this is ok?

xales my kids uniform can only be obtained from one shop, they offer a fitting service for 2 weeks during the school (summer ) holidays the items for the entire year are then collected a few days befor school starts each child rock on up at school with a trunk,if you do not have all the required items the school orders them for you and bills you including a hefty admin fee.

Sorry, I'm confused now. Your initial post re: the pub suggested that it was just you and your two girls and it was because you were 'properly skint' and so presumably couldn't afford somewhere to stay.

It now turns out that you were with your fiancee and her two kids as well, along with your daughter's Uncle and his fiancee. Who live next door to the pub?

Why didn't you stay at his house in the first place? (genuinely asking). Then you could have taken it in turns to go to the pub and not left the kids on their own.

You messed up spectacularly by leaving your kids alone, outside. I can also understand why this has caused issues for your ex. And I can understand that your attitude towards her concerns has probably exacerbated the situation.
Sometimes in life we f* up and do stupid things. Not ONE person on this thread has condoned what you did with regards the pub. If you take one thing away from this, then take away the thought that perhaps reassuring your ex that you won't do anything as irresponsible again would go a long way to easing some of the tension.

socknickingpixie - it was my job and, importantly, someones wedding. I can't (couldn't) turn down gigs without ruining a) the income of the other folk in the band b) my own income - gigs provide(d) petrol money to see the girls c) someones big day.

My girlfriend provided babysitting that evening.

Maintenance does, indeed, go via CSA. No, I don't get any allowance for travel. My understanding (from the CSA) is that xP would have to agree to any deduction and, tbh, it's not worth even asking

op try and explain what you mean by do as your told. im trying very hard to be on your side here,oh and dont forget im still incredibly nosey

Cloudbase - ah, sorry. The first time I stayed there, it was just me and the kids. On another occasion my fiancee came with me.

Asking for an allowance to let you travel to see your DCs would only be appropriate if she moved away from you. However, since you mention driving them back to her in Scotland in your OP and also mention your parents traveling down from Scotland, I'm going to assume it was you that moved. So no, you probably shouldn't ask for a reduction.

You put them in a tent in the pub garden TWICE?

socknickinpixie - well, for instance I drove the girls to Scotland. I'd said to MrsX that I would stop at a hotel, to break the journey, but as we approached Scotland the girls were happy as could be, the three of us discussed it and decided to press on and wake up where we wanted to be (my brothers house), not in a hotel two/three hours away from where we wanted to be.

MrsX is annoyed that I didn't break the journey as she'd told me to.

Your ex wife seems very sensible.

This will be my best money saving advice for tonight.

Let your ex wife set the terms. Let the lawyer become rich on somebody else than you. Save your money on spending more weekends up seeing your kids. Without gigs, drinking, your new fiance and her kids, and no pub gardens. Quality time with the kids sounds like a better way of spending your money than fighting your ex, she will have plenty of ammunition to show why reducing access is a good idea.

Is the OP being scrutinised because he is a man? Seems to me the woman is being as difficult as she can, let her get the fucking blazer when she starts at the school in september - christ on a bike. OP, you don't have to justify yourself here - YANBU, she is. Men do not have the monopoly on being fuckwits and your ex wife proves this point!

I would have broken the journey though soz

fyi a csa variation does not require the rp consent just the same as she could apply for one without yours, it does however mean that should they reduce it you then do have to make the journey to see them and not just once or twice a year.

re the gig, if you had the kids loads it wouldnt be an issue but you dont and it is,you shouldnt have taken the booking, the other band menbers income is not more important than making sure you care for the children at night as part of family life. if its important enough to dump them in a tent in a pub garden whilst you go down some beers then its good enough to have not taken the booking.

Look, for all those banging on about my decision re the tent, I'm not going to sit here and justify (again) a decision I took over two years ago that resulted in no harm, or risk of harm, to the girls.

Read this thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a1472052-To-leave-Dd-alone-in-hotel-room where I covered my thoughts and feelings on such matters in some depth. We'll probably never agree, but that wasn't the purpose of this thread. It was the purpose of this one: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a1472052-To-leave-Dd-alone-in-hotel-room

Lucy, Admittedly, not many women I know of would leave 4 young children out in a tent in a secluded garden while all the adults were spending the night drinking in the pub, and only occasionally through the night checking on them....

Crossing the street usually cause no harm.

that was a bad call, yes, i admit that.

Oh I don't know, would really like to hear your exes side tbh...

I think you should keep very, very quiet and gratefully accept your nearly three weeks with your children. You're a lax father at best, quite frankly, and a bit of a douchebag to boot. She would, I imagine, have more than enough ammo to make sure your visitation was drastically reduced and completely supervised in future.

lucy im only scrutinising because im really very very nosey. and also because i was intrested in the op due to copy and pasting of only one side of a convo. i personally would have copied both sides of convo should i be using it as a aibu and as op didnt im curiouse as to why.

had the op been a woman i probally wouldnt have been quite so supportive in the way i worded my questions i also wouldnt have asked many of them in an attempt to try and be on his side i would have just said "everything is your fault why the fuck did you move so far away from your kids,call yourself a mother you twat" but then again we expect different things from absent mums than we do absent dads dont we

socknickingpixie - It was my job, a major part of my income at the time. Sometimes as much as 70% of my weekly income. Bookings were taken 2 years in advance for weddings, at the time of this incident some bookings were being fulfilled that had been taken before MrsX and I had even split up! You can't cancel someones big day, or swap bands on them.

You sound as though you always have a reasonable explanation for everything you do but you have completely failed to take on any of the criticisms levelled at you on here or even considered that your X may have a valid POV even if you don't agree with it and think she's wrong. TBH if your attitude has been like that consistently since your separation, I'm not remotely surprised that your XW has now had enough and is being totally inflexible with boundaries. It is the only way she can deal with you.

FWIW, how you can be skint but spend the night drinking in the pub is beyond me.

If you are going to have a camping trip with your DC, at least have the decency to turn it into a proper camping adventure, staying in the tent with them during the evening, letting them stay up late, cooking sausages outside, telling stories by torchlight, etc, instead of settling them down to sleep and going inside to drink having set up the tent as your babysitter. If I was your DC I'd have felt let down.

Secondly, if your DC are so important to you, you'd have made them priority over the gigs, regardless of disappointing other people. Some parents do it regularly because they have no choice. From what you've said, you always have the DC around the same sort of time period in the summer, give or take a week, so why would you even book gigs during this period?

You do sound a bit feckless OP. Just try to see it from the slightly anal organised type of person's POV.

Here's this bloke, can't be counted on for maintenance unless it's a good month (which is very dodgy - essentially - you have a responsibility to your children) hitchhiking around the place, leaving the children camping outside pubs... All in all very well-meaning but a bit scatty.

Just saying it how it seems. I'd be going up the wall by now.

X Post about the gigs, but I disagree that you can't cancel. If people are booking you up to 2 years in advance, then clearly you are very successful and surely you should be making a hell of lot more money than you claim to be. You can also cancel and it's perfectly reasonable with enough notice (say 6 months, which you have had). Otherwise, you are putting paying strangers before your own DC.

I assumed you couldn't drive because I asked you about it earlier and you did not reply.
Glad to hear you have "reluctantly" gone back to IT, if being a musician didn't really provide you with the wherewithal to provide for your kids.
Sometimes we have to compromise on our own selfish desires as parents.
And as Dahlen said-pubs do seem to do well out of folk who have no money..
Hitch-hiking for fucks sake. Grow up.

DesperatelySeekingPomBears - er, on what grounds would my visitation have to be supervised, pray tell? Supervised visits are generally for situations where the children might be at risk of harm from the father. That is not the case, and it's extremely judgemental for you to suggest it is.

QuintessentialShadows: were you there to witness the adults sat inside all night drinking? Did you witness the frequency of the checks on the children? Nope? Didn't think so.

Can we get back on topic, here? The topic being "is it unreasonable to cut the length of a planned contact visit with less than two weeks notice" with a subtopic of "Am I being unreasonable in think it is not ok to withhold the children from their father unless he writes and signs a letter saying he'll just roll over and accept this cut?"