less than 2 weeks notice of cutting of contact...

[WeeDom]

I live some distance, about 300 miles, from my children (the reasons for this are many, and not the topic of this conversation).

Mrs. Ex and I have been divorced for about six years, During each summer holiday, we had custody of the children for exactly three weeks, and for the entire Festive Season alternating years. This worked well, mostly, although she arranged a two week family holiday, once, for halfway during the family holiday (meaning I could only have two weeks with the girls) and I made it clear that this was not ok, since it was done without consultation, and should never happen again.

Three years ago she met a new man. I've never had a problem with this and, indeed, went out of my way to meet the guy shake his hand, and congratulate him on meeting a good woman, shame it never worked out between her and I, etc. I've never been rude or impolite to him, even shaken his hand on another occasion and thanked him for being good to my children.

So... my good character ascertained, eh?

Three years ago, co-incidentally, we started to have problems. Where I would previously have slept on her sofa whilst visiting the children, and she might give us a lift here and there, now I'm not allowed near the house. At eldest childs 9th birthday, for instance, I was at a particular low ebb financially, but hitchhiked to their town to see my daughter for her birthday. I made it there, barely, but they whisked both children away to the nearest big town leaving me to (their words): "get there or miss them". Their little village isn't on a bus-route and whilst they drove past me in pouring sleet/rain, with a spare seat in their car, I had to hitch into town along a road regularly used by huge lorries - I twice had to dive into a hedge to avoid getting hit.

I hope that sets a bit of a picture - there are far more examples like this, but I shan't carry on.

So - this year.

In March, Mrs Ex invited me to mediation. Mediation was a complete waste of £180, on my part, f*ck knows how much on their part. Again, I don't know how much detail to go into here, but suffice to say it consisted of such nonsense as -

• you drove to Scotland overnight (arrival time appox 2am), once, without taking breaks I would have expected you to take. This was dangerous (Not only did the children arrive safely, have a great weekend, and get delivered back safely, but Mrs Ex and I regularly drove there and back with the children in a weekend whilst married)
• Youngest once had a dirty nappy whilst you were asleep. This shows neglect.
• You hadn't hoovered your car when you picked up/delivered the girls.

I'm sure you get the picture. Sorry about the pre-amble, but I feel I need to set that picture a bit.

Shortly after mediation (March 27th), I contacted Mrs. Ex and asked her if I could have the girls for the first part of the summer holidays:

Her reply:

"Date: Tue, 27 Mar 2012 18:01:02 +0000

With regard to the summer hols, first of all the 20th to 4th Aug is only 2 weeks.

... (some text/names removed)

I'll get back to you as soon as I can find out, but would you let me know whether you actually meant 4 August, or the following week which is the 11th. "

Oops, went the reply, thanks for pointing out the mistake. I did indeed mean three weeks.

No further contact until June.

Then: 22/06 - "For this summer holiday, I would suggest we go back to you picking the girls up on Wednesday 25th July and bringing them back on Monday 13 August."

Er - no, that's five days off the three weeks! And Granny and Grandad have flights and accommodation booked, arriving here on the 20th, departing 25th!! Why are we only hearing about this now??

Then 27/06 - "I would like your agreement that you will bring the girls back on Saturday 11 August please at a reasonable time.

You have made life more difficult as we can't get Eldest any of her new uniform from New-school until Tuesday 24th July. All the other dates the shop is open is whilst the girls are away. I can get some things, but Eldest needs to try the blazer on.

Please just send back confirmation that you will pick the girls up Monday 23 July and bring them back Sat 11 July. "

so a) We've lost at least two days with the children b) I'm responsible for the opening times of a shop 350 miles away.

But - "please just send back confirmation that... etc". She's asking me, and she's quite clear on this elsewhere (Festive Season completely removed two years ago for non-compliance!!), that I have to send her a letter confirming that I will agree to cut short our agreed three weeks. If she doesn't receive this letter, then she will make sure that she and the children are not around when I turn up to collect the children on 23rd July.

To summarise, a little - my parents are flying here from Scotland to visit their children towards the end of July. Unless I send a signed letter to my ex-wife stating that I will cut short my Contact time with my children, then neither me nor their grandparents will be allowed time together as a family.

The children are perfectly happy whilst down here, they've never been at risk. Indeed, the two DS's have been assessed by SS, because they were HE for a year or so, and the assessor seemed bored at having been sent out to such a boringly well functioning household.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking that none of this is ok?

I think the OP is getting a pretty rough ride on this thread. Is he seriously meant to forego his main method of making a living because he's a father? If he was still on benefits and not paying maintenance, he'd be getting a kicking for that.

I don't know how old the girls are but one of them is at least nine, by the sound of it. Plenty old enough to have a camping sleepover in a safe enclosed garden in a small village (NOT a beer garden, by the sound of things) and to know where to find Daddy if need be.

But look, this sounds like a real clash in parenting styles, and maybe your somewhat more laid back attitude to life makes your ex anxious? Maybe she worries about the girls when they're with you, and that leads to her trying to control the sources of anxiety, like long drives (what if he falls asleep at the wheel?) or pub gardens (what if he gets ratarsed and passes out?) etc etc. She might have been fine with things like pub garden sleepovers for example when she was there and could do the checking up on them, but when your children are miles away and you can't physically see them it makes you sick with worry to think of any possible risk to them.

You're absolutely right that she doesn't have the right to tell you how to parent, but when couples are still together they negotiate a compromise that works for both of them. Couldn't you try and do that now? Say 'Look, I'm not happy about being told how to parent, but can you tell me the bits that really worry you and I'll promise to do it the way you want for those aspects'?

Her new man might be a nice man, who just hates seeing his partner worried sick, and gives her the confidence she needs to speak out about it. Albeit not terribly constructively.

Just a thought, like.

hitchhiking - I got a lift with friends. It was two or three years ago.

A lot of this is very judgemental. Have none of you people ever been at a low ebb? Never had a period in your life that didn't go according to plan?

Personally, I would say leaving your DCs alone, in a tent, in a public place is putting them at risk. And an awful lot of solicitors would agree with me. Don't give your ex the excuse.

And in answer to your question, YABU, she needs to get the uniform sorted. This shouldn't come as a shock to you as presumably you're aware of the uniform policy/opening dates of the school uniform shop for fitting.

If you can tell me that there is another time/date that your DC can be fitted for uniform, I will agree and say YANBU but otherwise, these things need to be done. If you really want your extra time with your DC, bring them back in time for the uniform fitting then PAY FOR A HOTEL NEARBY and take them there for the extra couple of days. Problem sorted.

There is always the option of finding a replacement for your musical skills for the 2yr planned event or any gig for that matter....My bil is a much sought after drummer and plays all over the place with bands, weddings etc...he does it when he wants to or isn't working taxi's...it's a negotiable thing and there are an abundance of musicians to fill a gap when you can't do it because you have your DC's or important appointments, etc...
just saying!

olgaga - re blazer, she's blaming me for the fact the shop is shut

No she's not. She's simply explained to you that there are only certain days when you can arrange these things. If you knew anything about raising school-age children, you would understand what a palaver these things are.

You're not just sanctimonious and irritating - you're also self-pitying and totally deluded. You treat your children like a time-share you feel entitled to make use of even though you can't actually afford a holiday.

The chaotic life you have chosen for yourself doesn't provide for your children or even for yourself with any kind of reliability, but you think you deserve some sympathy because "I'm prepared to fight for time with my children". Not "I want to be a proper dad to my children".

I'm afraid you sound like a typical deadbeat dad, bleating about how unfair your ex is for not accommodating your whimsical, part-time arrangements. You don't even seem to understand that contact time is for your children to have contact with you, rather than whatever girlfriend happens to be on the scene and available to babysit for you.

Absolutely pathetic.

By the way, you still haven't explained how your mum and dad came to book their flights and accommodation before you had confirmed your contact arrangements. How did that happen? Just guessing, obviously, but maybe it was something to do with your total lack of engagement and organisation?

You got a lift from friends? Funny, you explicitly say 'hitchhiking' in your OP....

At eldest childs 9th birthday, for instance, I was at a particular low ebb financially, but hitchhiked to their town to see my daughter for her birthday.

See? Right there.

Oh, I'll put this more bluntly

May I just ask, OP, what in the name of financial responsibility you thought you were doing? Giving up a job, giving up paying maintenance, so that you could enact dreams of being a rock star, hitchhiking around the place, drinking and living the life of a single young thing? You have children. Who was paying for those children while you were busy being irresponsible? Your ExW? The state?

You've arranged your life so that you see very little of the children apart from these three weeks in the summer. When you see them at your times and on your terms and only if they don't interfere with your gigs.

But it's all the fault of the new bloke in your Ex's life. Has it ever occurred to you that he probably does far more day to day caring for your children than you do? Yet you blame him for your wife's alleged unreasonableness. He is to blame and in your view should not be behaving the way he is. Because after all, you've shaken his hand. Twice, now.

GROW THE FUCK UP

Jesus christ on a bike, JesusInACabbageVan! Thank you!

I'm trying to compromise with her, to be reasonable. For instance, I suggested staying in a hotel (more recently) but this was dismissed as too dangerous, too. See the thread I linked to earlier.

But, again, the whole point of this post was simply to ask "is it reasonable to be forced to sign agreements in return for your children?".

Have none of you people ever been at a low ebb? Never had a period in your life that didn't go according to plan?

Of course - but why blame your ex for that? It's hardly her fault you can't meet your obligations.

So your ex allowed you to pick and choose when you were going to see your DC based on how much you'd earnt that month, but she's being unreasonable about contact? And you, who actually asked the CSA if you could get a reduction in payments to offset your travelling costs to see them and have left them sleeping in a tent whilst you drank in a pub are a model parent.

'Less than 2 weeks notice'

How much notice did/do you give her that you were coming to see your children?

You have posted in aibu- you will always get a thorough grilling on here not a pat on the back and a well done for being in your kids' lives!
Can you not speak on the phone and discuss with your ex? Sorry if I've missed a bit but are they going away, is that why she needs the children back on a certain day?

The thread you linked to earlier was one in which you said it would be okay to leave an eighteen month old unsupervised.

Have you thought about maybe spending the night in a hotel/tent WITH your children. For the whole night. No 'adult time so they don't get scared at cub camp'? You might find your ex much more accommodating if she knew her (your) children were going to be properly supervised for the whole night.

new rule on this thread - WeeDom is not responding to anything off-topic. That means you, Hopefullyrecovering, and all the others intent on bashing a man because he didn't have a "proper" job.

This is exactly what I mean:

Can we get back on topic, here? The topic being "is it unreasonable to cut the length of a planned contact visit with less than two weeks notice" with a subtopic of "Am I being unreasonable in think it is not ok to withhold the children from their father unless he writes and signs a letter saying he'll just roll over and accept this cut?"

It's a bit like the fathers who ask "AIBU to think my XW is being unfair to deny me contact" when it turns out that actually they've failed to turn up on time/on the right day for the last 10 visits. Context is everything. I can see why you might not want yours brought into it though.

Ironically, I agree that the XW is being very inflexible, but every post you have written has made it very clear that it's because it's the only strategy she has available to her for dealing with you while keeping some sense of stability for the DC and boundaries for herself.

narked no he didnt,i told him to look into it so he could make more regular contact visits.

Pumpster - no, they're not going away. At one stage she said I could bring them back on the Monday (13th), but she wanted to take time off the front of the visit instead.

Also, in a text, she said it wasn't right for me to be making plans before dates had been agreed. But she's had a family holiday arranged since March... and if I can't make plans, then why should she herself made plans?

Okay. I'm going to be as fair as I possibly can here.

I'm not sure the gig thing is a massive issue - presumably your kids know this was how you earned your living and going out for one night on a gig while your fiancee babysits is not the worst thing in the world by a long chalk. The nappy thing seems a bit of a red herring.

But...honestly, and I did read your other thread in the interests of fairness, you need to wise up about the pub. It's not that it's a pub, that's not the issue. But you left them alone. I understand that it seemed reasonable to you, but can you honestly not accept that you appear to be in the minority, not just with your ex, but with everyone on this thread, about this one issue.

No-one expects you to justify it but really, if this many people disagree with you, that must tell you something about how a) your ex and b) a court is likely to view it.

I used to be in a band. I dated musicians. It was a brilliant time in my life, but having kids made a difference. I had to modify what I was doing, because zipping off to band practice three times a week and gigging at night, for me, wasn't compatible with being a mother. What I'm trying to say is that everyone ends up modifying elements of their lives when they have kids. You absolutely can't carry on living like a carefree single person when you have children.

You clearly love your daughters to bits, but from your ex's POV, you're financially unstable, unreliable, have left your kids unattended at night, have no reliable way of travelling, nowhere to stay...It just doesn't paint a very good overall picture. Sorry.

You don't need to 'win' at being a father (as you said earlier). Turning this into a battle will get you nowhere. My advice wold be to re-look at your lifestyle, sort out your finances/travel arrangements, sort out somewhere you can stay in your ex's home town (the Uncle next to the pub? Can you use his place as a base when you take the girls to their Mums?) Make a court order for contact, and focus on what's going to be best for your daughters. not what's best for you or your ex wife!

for the record nrp's on benefit should pay maintainance granted its only a fiver a week but its better than a smack around the head with a wet fish

Fair enough.

I think children deserve regular, predictable contact. They deserve to know when they'll next see their parent. I think parents who expect to be able to come and see their children when they've got some money don't get to moan about 'two weeks notice' .

op- she can make plans because she is the rp for approx 50 weeks of the year every year. because you are the nrp with extreamly limited contact you have to check befor you make plans. that ones a no brainer

Is your ex saying that you cannot have the children earlier because the school uniform shop is shut? Is that correct.

Is there another shop she can get a blazer from?
I find all this a bit strange to say the least, is it a private school? Who else would close a shop during the summer holidays?

Can she ring and oreder a blazer or go in the weekend before with your dd to try one on?

Am I living in another universe, where only shops that actually offer good customer service get my custom?

"is it reasonable to be forced to sign agreements in return for your children?"

But you don't actually want your children, do you. You just want them away from their home for three weeks a year so that you can play at being a dad, impress your "fiancee" and your mum and dad and pretend to be a doting father whose children have been torn from him, just doing his best - I mean, all that hitchhiking - what a champ.

Dreary day-to-day obligations like getting them kitted out in their school uniform, well that's not your thing right? Other people must organise that, and pay for it, but it mustn't interfere with the plans you foolishly allowed your mum and dad to make before you had actually sorted this out.

You can't even read a calendar properly! How awful for your kids, and their mum, having to put up with this every year.

Oh btw I think she is BU.
My dh is more relaxed with parenting than I am ie he would leave children with a babysitter when I wouldn't.
He finds it ok for ds to camp in our back garden whereas I would never suggest it etc. this isn't such an issue as we are married but I can see how it is more of a problem for you now that you are seperated.

'if I can't make plans, then why should she herself made plans?'

Are you 12?