less than 2 weeks notice of cutting of contact...

[WeeDom]

I live some distance, about 300 miles, from my children (the reasons for this are many, and not the topic of this conversation).

Mrs. Ex and I have been divorced for about six years, During each summer holiday, we had custody of the children for exactly three weeks, and for the entire Festive Season alternating years. This worked well, mostly, although she arranged a two week family holiday, once, for halfway during the family holiday (meaning I could only have two weeks with the girls) and I made it clear that this was not ok, since it was done without consultation, and should never happen again.

Three years ago she met a new man. I've never had a problem with this and, indeed, went out of my way to meet the guy shake his hand, and congratulate him on meeting a good woman, shame it never worked out between her and I, etc. I've never been rude or impolite to him, even shaken his hand on another occasion and thanked him for being good to my children.

So... my good character ascertained, eh?

Three years ago, co-incidentally, we started to have problems. Where I would previously have slept on her sofa whilst visiting the children, and she might give us a lift here and there, now I'm not allowed near the house. At eldest childs 9th birthday, for instance, I was at a particular low ebb financially, but hitchhiked to their town to see my daughter for her birthday. I made it there, barely, but they whisked both children away to the nearest big town leaving me to (their words): "get there or miss them". Their little village isn't on a bus-route and whilst they drove past me in pouring sleet/rain, with a spare seat in their car, I had to hitch into town along a road regularly used by huge lorries - I twice had to dive into a hedge to avoid getting hit.

I hope that sets a bit of a picture - there are far more examples like this, but I shan't carry on.

So - this year.

In March, Mrs Ex invited me to mediation. Mediation was a complete waste of £180, on my part, f*ck knows how much on their part. Again, I don't know how much detail to go into here, but suffice to say it consisted of such nonsense as -

• you drove to Scotland overnight (arrival time appox 2am), once, without taking breaks I would have expected you to take. This was dangerous (Not only did the children arrive safely, have a great weekend, and get delivered back safely, but Mrs Ex and I regularly drove there and back with the children in a weekend whilst married)
• Youngest once had a dirty nappy whilst you were asleep. This shows neglect.
• You hadn't hoovered your car when you picked up/delivered the girls.

I'm sure you get the picture. Sorry about the pre-amble, but I feel I need to set that picture a bit.

Shortly after mediation (March 27th), I contacted Mrs. Ex and asked her if I could have the girls for the first part of the summer holidays:

Her reply:

"Date: Tue, 27 Mar 2012 18:01:02 +0000

With regard to the summer hols, first of all the 20th to 4th Aug is only 2 weeks.

... (some text/names removed)

I'll get back to you as soon as I can find out, but would you let me know whether you actually meant 4 August, or the following week which is the 11th. "

Oops, went the reply, thanks for pointing out the mistake. I did indeed mean three weeks.

No further contact until June.

Then: 22/06 - "For this summer holiday, I would suggest we go back to you picking the girls up on Wednesday 25th July and bringing them back on Monday 13 August."

Er - no, that's five days off the three weeks! And Granny and Grandad have flights and accommodation booked, arriving here on the 20th, departing 25th!! Why are we only hearing about this now??

Then 27/06 - "I would like your agreement that you will bring the girls back on Saturday 11 August please at a reasonable time.

You have made life more difficult as we can't get Eldest any of her new uniform from New-school until Tuesday 24th July. All the other dates the shop is open is whilst the girls are away. I can get some things, but Eldest needs to try the blazer on.

Please just send back confirmation that you will pick the girls up Monday 23 July and bring them back Sat 11 July. "

so a) We've lost at least two days with the children b) I'm responsible for the opening times of a shop 350 miles away.

But - "please just send back confirmation that... etc". She's asking me, and she's quite clear on this elsewhere (Festive Season completely removed two years ago for non-compliance!!), that I have to send her a letter confirming that I will agree to cut short our agreed three weeks. If she doesn't receive this letter, then she will make sure that she and the children are not around when I turn up to collect the children on 23rd July.

To summarise, a little - my parents are flying here from Scotland to visit their children towards the end of July. Unless I send a signed letter to my ex-wife stating that I will cut short my Contact time with my children, then neither me nor their grandparents will be allowed time together as a family.

The children are perfectly happy whilst down here, they've never been at risk. Indeed, the two DS's have been assessed by SS, because they were HE for a year or so, and the assessor seemed bored at having been sent out to such a boringly well functioning household.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking that none of this is ok?

Good post JesusInACabbageVan.

OP, I do think you sound like you love your children and you have a good relationship with them. You admit that your life is "unorthodox" given that you are a father with responsibilities, which again - fine in theory. But it's not hard to imagine why your ex, who from the sound of it has been responsible keeping everything together in your children's lives for 90% of the time, isn't bending over backwards to make things easy for you here. Obviously we don't have all the information, but...well, my guess is that what she's doing may not be 100% reasonable in the strictest sense, but understandable in a human sense.

I don't know what I'd advise you to do in this specific situation. Maybe to eat some humble pie, say you're really sorry that the dates have ended up getting messy, but explain very politely about the grandparents having booked the tickets and try to suggest some sort of compromise. Without being confrontational or accusatory in any way.

"you're financially unstable, unreliable, have left your kids unattended at night, have no reliable way of travelling, nowhere to stay...It just doesn't paint a very good overall picture. Sorry."

This was true two/three years ago. Things have changed since then. I have a regular job, good money, a car, nice house, step-children, the whole lot.

Which is why it's so frustrating that everyone is focusing on one issue where the kids came to no harm, three years ago. Everyone is assuming that I sat in that pub and got hammered until god knows what time. That's simply not true.

I mean, what would you do? You've not got enough money to pay for a hotel. Someone says you can stay in their back garden. Do you just sleep in their garden, and piss off in the morning without saying hello?

To the person who asked how come I had no money, yet could afford to drink all night - actually, I had my fiddle with me and the landlord agreed to buy me a couple of pints if I played a couple of tunes for him. Seemed like a fair deal to me.

I really believe that you need to sit down and make some decisions after much soul searching...what are your intentions, what do you feel you can manage effectively, what contact you can definitely provide and how that will be managed. Put it all on paper, write down everything.....
then...sit down and compose a letter to your ex...explain exactly what you want to achieve and provide for your DC's, how that will be planned and done and where you will stay when you have them with you. What commitments you have that cannot be changed and what counter arrangements will be in place during those times.....everything that has caused doubt, fear, worry and angst needs to be put behind and in the past...admit when you have made mistakes and reassure you are sorry and will never be repeated, etc.
Maybe this has all to do with you both getting upset about different things and therefore it's snowballing.....well someone needs to stop it and put their best foot forward from now on...you can do that...make that commitment to your children and then make it happen....whatever it takes....I wish you well...you obviously have been trying to make things work and it's not always easy, I know...but now is the time to take all of this in hand and make your best effort to put things right and be that great dad in every department...and nothing comes before that...forget the crappy stuff and just be realistic about how you want to go forward in your life...for you and for your kids xx

Can you actually remember being a child? How slowly time passed and that a day seemed like the adult equivalent of a week? You have arranged contact to suit yourself - 3 weeks in the summer and every other Christmas and sporadically in between. Children need regular, consistent and reliable contact. Ignoring all your lack lustre examples at parenting and little or no maintenance do you honestly think your children, when they are adults, will look back at their childhood and think you were a great dad?

thank you, soozeedol. Very thoughtful, and very appreciated

I have a regular job, good money, a car, nice house, step-children, the whole lot.

Why is it then that you can't pay maintenance or be reliable and organised about once-a-year contact arrangements?

No mate. We're not focussing on the camping issue alone. We're focussing on a pattern of self-indulgence and irresponsibility. If you want me to list examples of these, here they are:

1. You chose not to work and chose not to pay maintenance. For your own children. That's just awful, frankly.
2. You chose not to live any where near your children so you can only see them for very limited periods and take no care of them or responsibility for them. It's your ExW who does the school stuff, the dental appointments, the feeding, clothing and just the general everyday loving and caring.
3. You don't make proper arrangements for them and mooch up when you want (which is not often) and play at being Daddy.

Can I just ask you - what have YOU ever done for YOUR children? Not for you, but for them. How have you tried to enrich their lives? Have you shared your love of music with them? Have you sat with them while they practice their scales? Have you taught them to pick out tunes? Have you taken them to concerts or gigs? Do you sing with them?

TheCrackFox - yes. Yes, I do. We do the best things together, go to beautiful places, laugh, sing, dance. And, yes, discipline & education happen, (before you all dive in with "you only get the good bits"), as much as I can.

olgaga - OP says upthread that there was a period in the past when he didn't pay maintenance due to being broke, but that he does pay now.

Oh Good Lord. Look, clearly, your Ex has begun to be somewhat inflexible. But what most of us are saying is can you frikkin blame her?
Its wonderful that you have got your shit together-now. It just might be a bit late for your Ex, having got herself through the last few years of being a lone parent, dealing with the everyday tedium that this entails, while you...fiddle.

Please, try and see this thru her eyes, understand that she now has Zero Tolerance of you, and suck it up.

You have done the best things together during a 4 week period per year. You do know that there are 52 weeks per year? Why have you been so stingy with your time?

Okay, it's good for you and your kids that your situation is more stable now. You've settled down with a new family, and you want your daughters to be part of that. This is all good.

Thing is, the reason everyone keeps returning to the pub issue, is that it matters. And your ex isn't going to forget about it. I don't think you got hammered. And yes, your kids were unharmed, but they could easily not have been. It's not about being risk averse, far from it. But this was a risk that, in most people's opinions, you didn't need to take.

Honestly? I wouldn't have left the kids to go into the pub. I'd have got a take out if I really wanted to drink, and had it in the tent. I wouldn't have left them. I would have got up the next morning, knocked up the Landlord and said thank you. Or, if he wasn't going to be around, said thanks the night before. The decision you made that night, was purely based on what was best for you.

This is the crux of the whole thing, and also how all of this debate links in to your OP. With every decision you make as a parent, forefront in your mind is 'What's best for my children?'. In that situation it wasn't best for your children for you to leave them alone to go to a pub, however much you felt like being sociable. And it might not be best for your daughter (on a purely practical level) to be away if she needs to get her uniform fitted.

Yes, it might be frustrating and upsetting for you, but the bottom line will always be 'what's best for my daughters'.

Of course, you are a man therefore you are wrong - obviously. Fucking hell

Hopefullyrecovering:

1. Nope. I've never not worked. I've humped rocks around when there was no other work to be found. I worked as a musician when other work wasn't forthcoming
2. I choose not to live in a shitty part of the world, and for my children to see a beautiful way of life when the are with me.
3. I started to make these arrangements in March. I thought we had agreement - that's making proper agreements.

Of course I've done all of the subsequent things you mentioned.

Did you used to live in a shitty part of the world and that your children still live there.

So why do you only see them summer holidays and Christmas? What about the rest of the year?

Cloudbase - the decision to cut short my time with the girls is nothing to do with getting a uniform fitted. It has not even been mentioned. I've asked, directly, why she wants these two days. I've said that, if it's important, then of course I'll agree.

No reply.

Lucyellensmum12345 - Thanks. I think.

crackfox - it's a lot more than 4 weeks a year. It's 3 weeks at summer, used to be 2 weeks alternate Christmas (now only 1), weekends when possible, used to be both half-terms... phone calls, report cards sent to me, regular contact with the school, paying for school trips (over and above any maintenance)...

I'm not doing nothing

Sorry, I thought you said in your OP that she wanted you to pick the girls up on the 25th instead of the 20th July as 24th was the only day she could get her blazer fitted?

no worries WeeDom. I don't think you are gettin a fair hearing here. I'm sure you aren't without blame but if you had been a woman i am sad to say i think you would have recieved more sympathy. Or maybe its jus because you are a the absent parent. I'd go to the CAB and seek advice.

I just think its really sad that your parents are going to miss out, no i'll rephrase that, i think its really sad that your children are going to miss seeing theri grandparents.

thecrackfox - yes, I used to live somewhere I greatly dislike. Asked MrsX to move away, she refused (at the last minute, when plans were already made). I hoped she'd come join me somewhere nicer, but she never did.

I think some people on this thread need to back off a bit...It's quite unfair that people are making all these sweeping generalisations and derogatory insulting remarks...you have summed this person up as some terrible person and it's just totally wrong...
This man is trying to be a good dad...didn't always have a job and was able to pay maintenance...wtf...he has turned that around..probably hates his job but is doing all he can to provide what he can ffs!
The bloody back garden in a tent may sound horrific but I'm pretty sure it wasn't and tbh....if you go to almost any campsite in the country...the vans, tents, etc are all outwards from the central point of a bar, entertainment, etc...and start within yards of the doors...that seems to be fine with millions of campers...it was a small village pub...a back garden area which was entirely enclosed and private...the only ppl there were the landlord and family members....get a grip and stop being so ridiculous about this!!!!
ex complained the car wasn't hoovered!!!...thats just mental!!...unless it had had a herd of cattle through it and it was a disaster, minging dirty mess...which I doubt was the case....I don't see anyone slagging off the ex for being totally out of order and plain bloody stupid about that one!!!

none of us is perfect...it takes two to create the issues...he is not all guilty and a terrible father....he may have made some errors and thats human...but ...he has a good relationship with his kids...has been doing his best...wants the arranged 3 weeks of the summer he has an agreement about and is upset that his ex is making this difficult...and wants it all in writing or she threatens to not be there when he arrives for them...ffs!!!...thats wrong and she knows it is.

However OP...I think you need to be willing to take what you can right now and tell ex you will agree these dates...after this visit you need to have sorted out exactly what you want to negotiate and organise and get it all agreed and finalised....take it on the chin this time and be clear that you are unhappy and need to have everything better organised in future and you want to sort this out with ex after the summer hols...mediation if necessary....
Good luck and I hope you get things worked out....enjoy your summer break with your DC's x

I do agree that if there are no particular reasons then your time should not be cut short. But I also think if you expect such precise time on your summer holiday access, the same courtesy could be given for the 'weekends when possible' the rest of the year.

So you moved away from your kids and see them when convenient? You see them for 5 weeks. You see the school report? Big deal. Were you the one making sure they had done their homework, got to bed on time, clean uniform after a hearty breakfast and made their packed lunch?

You sound more like an exciting uncle than a dad. And, no that is not meant as a compliment.

I can appreciate that the XW has probably just had enough of the unpredictability and the self-indulgence and that's why she's being so inflexible now.
However, I do think people are getting unbelievably hysterical about the camping-in-the-garden; I do that sort of stuff with DS fairly regularly myself.