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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

godparent snub

684 replies

trickychalice · 09/07/2012 17:56

Namechanger here. I know, I know, the most middle class of problems, but tbh I am really quite hurt at the moment and would like a little perspective.

I have 3 ds. The person I have always considered to be my bf had a baby girl a few months ago. We were at school together, went travelling together, have always been a double act. She lives a few hours away. When I had ds1 she was the first to visit at hospital and I made her his godmother before we left hospital. I was her matron of honour.

Her and her dh have always struggled financially - a lot. When I had ds3 I saved all clothes/crib/bugaboo to give her. She was supposed to come and collect it before her baby was born, but for some reason couldn't, so we packed up all ds and drove 4 hours to give it to her (stayed the weekend). I am very sentimental about my stuff, but thought I had given it totally open-heartedly to help my bf. I must admit that I assumed it would be used by a much loved godchild.

Long story short, I have just seen christening photos on fb (she called me at the weekend and didn't mention that her dd was being christened - she knows that I would be hurt about this- hence not telling me) and I see that another friend is godmother. Obviously it is her choice as to who the godparents are - and I know I would be flamed for suggesting otherwise, but I am still v hurt. She rang me just before the baby was born and was v upset shopping for stuff and asked if I could lend her a pram - I rushed ds out of the bugaboo (I know I sound a dick talking about the bugaboo, but its just to show that I gave her quality stuff that I can ill afford and could have sold for some much needed cash) and into a mclaren so that she could have it. It honestly wasn't supposed to be a poisoned chalice, but I don't think she should have asked in the knowledge that I wasn't going to be godparent.

The person she has chosen is a very fun, old friend of hers, but she would be disingenuous to suggest that this friend has been a better friend - trust me I just know she hasn't. I think I am disillusioned that there is so much empire building in these decisions - she has always been slightly in awe of this friend. There are friends that I have been a bit Hmm about not being asked to be godparent to their kids, but I wouldn't have dreamt of saying anything. I am only pointing this out to show that this really does feel different.

I don't really know what I am asking - I know I will be told that I can't possibly dictate who people choose - it is there choice and is made for many different reasons etc, etc, but I guess I need to know if my feelings are valid? Should she have spoken to me and explained things? Mentioned it when she called at the weekend? Not accepted the stuff?

I have drafted an email - short, factual, but stating my hurt and that I don't know if our friendship can recover. This is not meant to be manipulative, but they have a trip planned and I cannot possibly act as if nothing has happened.

Please be gentle - I know that there are far, far more serious problems out there, but this is my small rather humble one for the day. I have namechanged because I am anticipating a slating and am probably a bit ashamed that this has upset me so much.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 09/07/2012 17:59

It's odd that she didn't invite you to the christening, if you are such good friends. People have lots of friends and can't have them all as godparents.

LucyLastik · 09/07/2012 18:00

I'd be more Hmm at the lack of invite to the christening in the first place, let alone anything else tbh

CeliaFate · 09/07/2012 18:01

She didn't invite you to the christening? That's bizarre and very hurtful. I understand how you would be upset not to be godmother, but it's her choice obviously.

But to exclude you altogether? That's weird. I'd call her and ask straight out why she didn't invite you.

FuckityFuckFuck · 09/07/2012 18:02

I wouldn't be so upset about not being chosen to be a godparent.

I would, however, been fuming/upset about the fact I wasn't even told she was having her DD christened and I only found out on facebook!!

You may think of her as your BF but she definitely does not think the same of you

Sorry

Chubfuddler · 09/07/2012 18:02

And re reading your op I actually think you do deserve a bit of a roasting, but I can't be bothered to dish it out. You think she shouldn't have accepted the loan of the pram because she wasn't going to make you godmother? Really? Friendship is a bit of a transaction for you, isn't it?

KatherineKavanagh · 09/07/2012 18:02

Why only one godmother?

WorraLiberty · 09/07/2012 18:02

Not one mention of religion in this.

Who is the more dedicated Christian? You or the chosen Godmother?

I think YABU to have mentally attached a condition to the baby stuff

But your friend is unreasonable for not inviting you along to the Christening and letting you find out via FB.

EvilTwins · 09/07/2012 18:02

Are you a practising Christian, OP? Is your friend?

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 18:03

I think she thought she could just pretend it had never happened. It wasn't her that put up pics, she was tagged. If she'd invited me it would've been even more pointed that she chose the other friend Sad.

This is my point- she kind of knows how it looks, hence lack of invite, mention of christening. Rightly or wrongly she is feeling guilty.

OP posts:
KatherineKavanagh · 09/07/2012 18:03

So, that weekend when you all went to stay ( with your 3 ds)

How was it?

ChunkyMonkeyMother · 09/07/2012 18:04

I think the sad But true fact is that this is probably a one sided friendship, you give and she takes - I wouldn't email her with a complaint, personally I'd email to say "oh hi X has just asked if she could have the bugaboo, we will pick it up on Y date" then talk to her face to face about it

Kayano · 09/07/2012 18:04

Would be upset about the christening but not about not being godmother tbh

PrincessOfChina · 09/07/2012 18:04

Why didn't you get a christening invite? I think there's more going on here, it sounds like she's trying to dump you. Sad

Bigwheel · 09/07/2012 18:04

I can see why your hurt, I would be to. My main question wouldn't be so much why you weren't godmother, as like you say she has every right to pick who she wants, but more why you weren't even told about, let alone invited to, the christening. And then she puts photos on Facebook, almost to rub your nose in it? I would have to ask her at least why you weren't invited, but be prepared to hear that maybe you don't mean as much to her as you thought.

EvilTwins · 09/07/2012 18:05

X post...

Christenings are not weddings. Not everyone has a massive party. We had a small do when our DTDs were dedicated, but I invited a few people who have not "invited me back". It has never occurred to me to be upset.

ChasedByBees · 09/07/2012 18:05

YANBU to be upset, sorry that this has upset you do much. Is there a simple reason - for example is the other friend more religious? I would ask, but face to face, don't send the email while you're feeling that hurt.

BlameItOnTheBogey · 09/07/2012 18:06

I agree with others that for me the most upsetting thing would not be not being asked to be a god parent but rather not even being told of - let alone invited to - the christening. I'd be really, really upset by this and would have to say something.

I can totally see why you are upset. Hope you feel better soon.

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 18:07

Fair enough, I know how it looks. I thought it was an open-hearted gesture but obviously not Blush. I think I had given the stuff I felt v sentimental about (i haven't really come to terms with having my last baby) secure (wrongly) in the knowledge that it would be going to a baby who was kind of family. It's really nothing to do with cash and bugaboos.

OP posts:
iloveACK · 09/07/2012 18:09

I agree with those who would be more upset at being excluded from the whole thing rather than the godmother part & I'd use that as the reason to question her about it.

I can see why you're upset as there are things that I'd give / lend to a very good friend that I wouldn't to someone who wouldn't even invite me to their child's christening - I don't see anything wrong in that tbh. Hope you get things sorted out if she's as good a friend as you say. Smile

WorraLiberty · 09/07/2012 18:09

Being a child's Godparent doesn't necessarily make you any closer to them

Come to think of it, I can't even remember who mine are/were?

Are you religious?

EvilTwins · 09/07/2012 18:10

OP, you are ignoring any questions about religion. You do understand that being a godparent is a bit more than a public declaration that you and the baby's mum are BFFs?

Dprince · 09/07/2012 18:10

OP please read your post back. A friend should ask a favour unless they are you going do something for you? Really?

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 18:11

Thank you for kind posts. This is all about self-esteem and nothing about transactions and im sure most of you understand that. At the most basic level, why does bf think i am not worth it and more flaky friend is? Why is she not trying to empire build with me?

She is really not trying to dump me. Keeps in touch all the time - we have great weekends together regularly and she usually gives as much as takes. On the surface I have far more loyal good friends than her. I am Blush and Sad

OP posts:
MooncupGoddess · 09/07/2012 18:11

From your post she never said you would be godmother to her DD - you just assumed it - so I think YWBU to act on that assumption and then be upset. People make decisions about godparents for all sorts of reasons and no one is entitled to be a godparent. If you're close then you can still care about and have a relationship with her DD!

However - it does sound like your friendship is more important to you than to her and of course this is hurtful. Had you ever implied to her that you were expecting to be godmother to her DD? If so, maybe this is why she didn't invite you to the christening?

Badvoc · 09/07/2012 18:11

You have no right to be upset about not being chosen as a godparent but I think you know that, and you are far more hurt about not even being invited.
It was very hurtful and crass of her to not even invite you and then post pigs in FB which she must have known you would see....I can see why you are so upset about that.
If you don't want her to visit then you have to say why.