Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

godparent snub

684 replies

trickychalice · 09/07/2012 17:56

Namechanger here. I know, I know, the most middle class of problems, but tbh I am really quite hurt at the moment and would like a little perspective.

I have 3 ds. The person I have always considered to be my bf had a baby girl a few months ago. We were at school together, went travelling together, have always been a double act. She lives a few hours away. When I had ds1 she was the first to visit at hospital and I made her his godmother before we left hospital. I was her matron of honour.

Her and her dh have always struggled financially - a lot. When I had ds3 I saved all clothes/crib/bugaboo to give her. She was supposed to come and collect it before her baby was born, but for some reason couldn't, so we packed up all ds and drove 4 hours to give it to her (stayed the weekend). I am very sentimental about my stuff, but thought I had given it totally open-heartedly to help my bf. I must admit that I assumed it would be used by a much loved godchild.

Long story short, I have just seen christening photos on fb (she called me at the weekend and didn't mention that her dd was being christened - she knows that I would be hurt about this- hence not telling me) and I see that another friend is godmother. Obviously it is her choice as to who the godparents are - and I know I would be flamed for suggesting otherwise, but I am still v hurt. She rang me just before the baby was born and was v upset shopping for stuff and asked if I could lend her a pram - I rushed ds out of the bugaboo (I know I sound a dick talking about the bugaboo, but its just to show that I gave her quality stuff that I can ill afford and could have sold for some much needed cash) and into a mclaren so that she could have it. It honestly wasn't supposed to be a poisoned chalice, but I don't think she should have asked in the knowledge that I wasn't going to be godparent.

The person she has chosen is a very fun, old friend of hers, but she would be disingenuous to suggest that this friend has been a better friend - trust me I just know she hasn't. I think I am disillusioned that there is so much empire building in these decisions - she has always been slightly in awe of this friend. There are friends that I have been a bit Hmm about not being asked to be godparent to their kids, but I wouldn't have dreamt of saying anything. I am only pointing this out to show that this really does feel different.

I don't really know what I am asking - I know I will be told that I can't possibly dictate who people choose - it is there choice and is made for many different reasons etc, etc, but I guess I need to know if my feelings are valid? Should she have spoken to me and explained things? Mentioned it when she called at the weekend? Not accepted the stuff?

I have drafted an email - short, factual, but stating my hurt and that I don't know if our friendship can recover. This is not meant to be manipulative, but they have a trip planned and I cannot possibly act as if nothing has happened.

Please be gentle - I know that there are far, far more serious problems out there, but this is my small rather humble one for the day. I have namechanged because I am anticipating a slating and am probably a bit ashamed that this has upset me so much.

OP posts:
TheCraicDealer · 09/07/2012 19:24

Wiggles, you're in NI aren't you? Seems to be much more of a "thing" here. I'm sure family feuds have been made of this stuff!

Posterofapombear · 09/07/2012 19:26

YABU your DP doesn't want anymore kids. That includes your friends kids. Really you would have had to decline being GP anyway.

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 19:27

About the other gp, she is the slightly crazy, fun childless girl (just married so will have kids). Bf was not a bridesmaid to her, but she is definitely the needy one in that relationship. She is not religious and lives further away from bf than I do.

My relationship with her has always seemed simple, equal and loyal. No drama and no issues. We have never had a major falling out and have been equally involved in each other's lives. How do you define a bf? we have called each other bf when pissed, we have attended all important events in each others lives up until now and have equally relied on the other for emotional support. I don't know how else to define it.

OP posts:
Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 19:27

"As for the posters giving you a really hard time-self righteous and patronising spring to mind for them"

because there is another real person at the other end of this, a new mum who has just celebrated an (admittedly small) christening for her new child, who may or may not get a shitty email or even dumped as a friend as some people are suggesting

She hasn't done anything wrong by not having a christening that included more than family and GPs, she wasn't wrong to not pick the OP just because the OP had ASSUMED she would, she was a bit wrong to lie about it happening but she possibly didn't see a good outcome either way because of the OP so make a wrong choice

She'll be overwhelmed with a new baby and is about to potentially be shat on by the OP.. ah and also pram less because some are suggesting that something that was GIVEN apparently without condition can be snatched back cause the OP didn't get her BFF GP badge!

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 19:28

I mean bf the needier one in the relationship with gp. Gp will not, and I can say that categorically, make bf a godparent to her children. I just know.

OP posts:
Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 19:29

I am trying to be patient cherie. I have not told her that I assumed that I would be godparent. Obviously.

OP posts:
Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 19:30

" Gp will not, and I can say that categorically, make bf a godparent to her children. I just know"

how many times, SO WHAT? THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS!

if she lives further away its a nice way to include her

Being married does not make you fertile, you cant assume that she can have kids

Solola · 09/07/2012 19:31

Hi OP have read all the posts and my advice to you regarding her visit is:

Do not be an avoider, but find time to talk to her when children not around, no distractions etc. Tell her how you are feeling about finding out about the Christening that way.

Ignore the pushchair, that's a red herring. That was your choice to give it to her.

Be gentle, but honest about how you feel

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 19:33

oh for god's sake cherie. This is semantics. You are determined to micro-analyse my posts for inconsistencies so that you can leap on them and go 'ha! another reason that you are wrong and I am right'.

I am inferring the different types of friendship that I had with bf to the one gp has, not saying it has to be a quid-pro-quo.

I have conceded that IABU on some points.

OP posts:
elizaregina · 09/07/2012 19:33

AGiraffeUnderTheFloorBoards

totally agree, great post.

YANBU, and I fully understand why you would be hurt....but as said there may be reasons you are not aware of...I had a friend who considered herslef to be a rock to me - but actually she wasnt! supportive at times etc yes but could also be volatile and I knew we might fall out....the GP i chose - ( all are christians), one was amazing throughout pregancy, and another was a cousin. I knew freind was hurt but I did give her a reading to do - having said all that - we fell out at DD 1st bday! so dont see her now!
She knew you would be hurt or may cause a problem thats why she didnt invite you. take comfort from the fact you acted like a " christian" and gave willingly to a friend in need.

Breezeinthetrees · 09/07/2012 19:34

YANBU it is a hurtful situation. I personally wouldnt be able to not say anything, id drop her an email along the lines of "saw the pictures of Xs christianing, looked like you had a lovely day" this is not rude or agressive, just lets her know you know that she got her dc christianed without even inviting you.

As for the pram, Id go as far as saying perhaps she just knew you had "quality" things for your baby, knew she couldnt afford them so dropped hints to you knowing youd take pity on her and give them to her, then felt very guilty about the GP situation so thought she could get away with not telling you and youd never know. Id be tempted to say to her X(another friend of yours) needs a pram so could you pick it up on a certain date.

IceCubes · 09/07/2012 19:36

I think the OP is having a bit of a rough ride here - she's hurt and that is understandable.

Perhaps OP shouldn't have assumed she would be a GP, but surely with her BF being GP to her own kids that would make her family and therefore it would be natural to assume she would at the very least be invited to the baptism.

Regarding the pram, I would ask for it back. Say a family member needs it, say it was just on loan. If you're not comfortable with her having it, get it back. I think she has taken your kindness for granted here, OP.

I am sorry to say, however, that she clearly doesn't view your friendship in the same way you do. I know it hurts but you need to let go.

As for religiosity, I don't really get why non-practicing Christians have baptisms etc but that is a whole other thread! Grin

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 19:36

Thanks solola - that is very sensible advice. And it would be the big thing to do. Obviously at the moment I am hurting and slightly irrational. I want to throw my toys out of the (bugaboo) pram. Of course I wouldn't demand it back.

However, I do stand by the point that I don't think she should have asked for a pram when she knew that this would be the outcome of not asking me to be gp. And she did know - she is not stupid and her avoidance bears this out.

By the way cherie her baby is barely younger than my ds3. It wasn't ideal that I tipped him out of the bugaboo and into a mclaren. I liked that bugaboo. Wink

OP posts:
rhondajean · 09/07/2012 19:37

Tricky I am not at all religious but I always thought the godparents were to raise the child if the parents were killed in a car crash say. Does she perhaps think with three kids of your own it would be a bit much to ask you?

But why on earth did t she invite you at all? Very puzzling.

Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 19:37

if this were a reverse AIBU, and it was the friend posting, I would say she was BU to lie even if she thought at the time it was the kindest way, but can't see a single other thing that would be U, so think its disgusting that the OP is being encouraged to punish or ditch her, the lie was misguided, yes, but the reasons why she FELT she needed to are understandable

Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 19:39

rhonda, no they don't, it has nothing to do with guardianship

the OP said that the friend didn't invite ANY friends other than the GP, was just a small GPS and family do

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 19:40

I don't think I am being encouraged to ditch her at all. It is a bit like an unrequited love affair - for my own self-esteem to remain in tact I agree that I need to distance myself from her.

It is all very confusing - I think if we get down to brass tacks, she just thinks the other friend is a bit cooler than me. That hurts, but it is her perogative. But wouldn't you slightly judge someone who chose someone cooler who didn't care as much about you over the stalwart friend that they have always relied on?

OP posts:
Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 19:41

didn't care as much about them, not you.

OP posts:
Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 19:42

Loving this, but my kids are spitting at each other in the bath and the baby needs to go to bed. Back soon. Thanks though. All of you.

OP posts:
outtolunchagain · 09/07/2012 19:43

It's not about ditching though is it? It's about trust,OP's friend lied to her ,blatantly and with no regard for their friendship.What is more OP was clearly good enough to blag a pushchair and other stuff from and but not to be invited to baptism.Result is I am afraid that the chances are this is the end of the friendship as it has been because the OP will always be wondering if she is being told the truth.

Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 19:45

but it sounds like NOBODY was invited to the baptism in terms of friends, she didn't want/couldn't afford a party that included more than family and GPS and that is totally fair enough. Lying is wrong, but in this case one can see why she felt backed into the corner

the OP was TOTALLY wrong to give the pram with conditions
either you give something 100% or you're not really giving it

MarysBeard · 09/07/2012 19:49

Is she GP to any of your children?

outtolunchagain · 09/07/2012 19:50

She is GP to the OP's eldest

Killergerbil · 09/07/2012 19:52

I empathise, I would have been a bit gutted too x

picnicbasketcase · 09/07/2012 19:52

If you do send an email at all, just say that you saw the pictures, that you are sad and hurt that you were not invited having been friends for such a long time, and ask if there was a reason for it. Don't bring up godparents or prams at all. If she then ignores it, you can think again about how to proceed.

Swipe left for the next trending thread