godparent snub

[trickychalice]

Namechanger here. I know, I know, the most middle class of problems, but tbh I am really quite hurt at the moment and would like a little perspective.

I have 3 ds. The person I have always considered to be my bf had a baby girl a few months ago. We were at school together, went travelling together, have always been a double act. She lives a few hours away. When I had ds1 she was the first to visit at hospital and I made her his godmother before we left hospital. I was her matron of honour.

Her and her dh have always struggled financially - a lot. When I had ds3 I saved all clothes/crib/bugaboo to give her. She was supposed to come and collect it before her baby was born, but for some reason couldn't, so we packed up all ds and drove 4 hours to give it to her (stayed the weekend). I am very sentimental about my stuff, but thought I had given it totally open-heartedly to help my bf. I must admit that I assumed it would be used by a much loved godchild.

Long story short, I have just seen christening photos on fb (she called me at the weekend and didn't mention that her dd was being christened - she knows that I would be hurt about this- hence not telling me) and I see that another friend is godmother. Obviously it is her choice as to who the godparents are - and I know I would be flamed for suggesting otherwise, but I am still v hurt. She rang me just before the baby was born and was v upset shopping for stuff and asked if I could lend her a pram - I rushed ds out of the bugaboo (I know I sound a dick talking about the bugaboo, but its just to show that I gave her quality stuff that I can ill afford and could have sold for some much needed cash) and into a mclaren so that she could have it. It honestly wasn't supposed to be a poisoned chalice, but I don't think she should have asked in the knowledge that I wasn't going to be godparent.

The person she has chosen is a very fun, old friend of hers, but she would be disingenuous to suggest that this friend has been a better friend - trust me I just know she hasn't. I think I am disillusioned that there is so much empire building in these decisions - she has always been slightly in awe of this friend. There are friends that I have been a bit about not being asked to be godparent to their kids, but I wouldn't have dreamt of saying anything. I am only pointing this out to show that this really does feel different.

I don't really know what I am asking - I know I will be told that I can't possibly dictate who people choose - it is there choice and is made for many different reasons etc, etc, but I guess I need to know if my feelings are valid? Should she have spoken to me and explained things? Mentioned it when she called at the weekend? Not accepted the stuff?

I have drafted an email - short, factual, but stating my hurt and that I don't know if our friendship can recover. This is not meant to be manipulative, but they have a trip planned and I cannot possibly act as if nothing has happened.

Please be gentle - I know that there are far, far more serious problems out there, but this is my small rather humble one for the day. I have namechanged because I am anticipating a slating and am probably a bit ashamed that this has upset me so much.

Great post lake!

OP, Have read all your posts, if not every single other on the whole thread (so many!), and from what you say, I took the following;

Your friend prob picked the GP as who she felt it would mean more to - in a backwards fashion, she prob felt you didn't 'need' to be GP as you are already closer, so picked the other lady to cement that friendship.
She has taken you for granted a bit, and had no idea how important the GPship is to you.
Now that she knows she's hurt you she's offering up her dc2 in panic, because there's not a lot else she can do to put it right, is there? She has apologised, but short of time travel, what's done is done. :(

Wrt the stuff you gave/lent, you now feel like a bit of a mug. Regardless of value, you wanted to be able to keep these things in 'circulation', lending locally after you'd finished with them - any reason why she can't return them when her dc is done with them? Also, re the pram, I don't remember seeing how long ago you lent it, but if the Maclaren isn't really working out for your dc, why can't you ask for it back? Just explain you were a bit hasty in lending it, and can she return it as soon as she's found a replacement? If you don't need it but it's still bugging you, just ask for it back for a (invented if nec) relative/friend that's due soon, giving a few months notice so she can get on eBay and find another cheaply!
We've borrowed tons of stuff from BiL, and just returned the lot as they're due their dc2 - we had to buy replacements for the things we were still using, no problem. She may even be able to borrow the replacements from someone closer.

I totally understand why you wouldn't have wanted to be invited to a 'family & GP only' christening unless you were either family or GP! You'd have felt like a complete lemon. Those suggesting that you were being prima donna not to have wanted to go without being GP are ignoring the small nature of the event.

If Cherie is still hovering over her keyboard, ready to strike, please can I explain something? The OP never said she wouldn't bother with the friend's dc, just that she wouldn't act like a GP. It is understood that GPs have a special relationship, that is the whole bleedin' point! She will now simply treat the child as what it is - the child of a friend, and not a godchild that she has a special relationship and moral responsibility for. If I was made GP to a friend's dc, I would make a special effort with that child, cards/trips/presents/phonecalls etc, where I might otherwise not, as the parents have made it clear by choosing you as GP that they want you to be extra involved in that particular child's life.
As it is, my sister made me GP to my nephew which I really don't see the point of, as I can hardly play favourites with him to the exclusion of her other DS and DD! (+ I'm atheist and she's v religious, so I'm not sure why she picked me) If it had been a friend tho, not a relative, I most certainly would be happy to treat them as my 'favourite' as my GC.

OP I'm glad your friend has replied and is contrite, I hope you patch things up and become close again, but I totally understand why you felt so snubbed. Personally, I would accept that she is a but thoughtless, and as long as she hadn't done it deliberately, move on. She can still be your BFF, but she has moved the goalposts slightly and the (20 year long) honeymoon is over.
Lots of people get rather self-absorbed with their PFB, I hope you can just chalk it up to that as she doesn't appear to have a history of being like this.

Long post for a looooong thread! :)

Red - We all interpret what people say differently.

I think the OP sounded pretty dramatic whilst talking about her friend and I don't think she implied she'd only act as though a friend rather than a GP. In my opinion some of her posts did imply that she was ready to cut her out of her life. Saying things like "Her parents use to be like family too" implied that she no longer considers her friend close and that she is dismissing her all because she hasn't been made a GP.

Each to their own, hope that OP can get her friendship back on track.

Thanks red a good summation of about 100 angst ridden posts by me . You have got the situation in a nutshell and anyone else can spin whatever interpretation they like on my words - get a forensic psychologist to analyse them if they like, but what you have said is pretty spot on. And I should know, presumably, as it is me feeling this way!

i do understand you are hurt about being passed over and being lied to, I would probably have felt the same to a degree but you have posted and went on in a drama llama kind of way. Your feelings are valid and but you have sounded a bit petty and childish (are you quite young). There are good reasons why your friend picked someone else in that you already have children and live farther away and who knows what else. Your friend possibly did worry over this and buried her head in the sand as she didn't want to hurt you, some people aren't good at dealing with this. Yes she should have told you but you probably would have reacted in the same way and the whole thing might have put a dampner on the day.

As for the stuff you gave her, you should ask for it back if it's grudged or needed. I gave away several very expensive prams and all my other baby stuff to not so close friends who needed them more than me, give graciously or don't give at all.

lake I promise I adore her normally. Your post is perceptive but I have tried, on an anonymous forum, to sum up her personality as accurately as possible. We all have flaws and hers, which are passivity and flakiness go a long way, I think, in explaining why this has all happened.

I also called her life-affirming and fun.

As my real life friend has attested I am not usually a drama queen. It is impossible to convey how 20 years of friendship/ entwined lives and value systems make me believe that this is not about how far away I live/ how many kids I have. Because I know her very very well.

We went to boarding school together, shared a room, travelled together and have lived together. I am 33 btw.

well Tricky - that is very close and I do understand that this has very much hurt and disappointed you. Hope you get over this and can continue your friendship in the way that you want to.

Tricky - I know the heat of the debate is over now, just wanted to empathise. 15 years ago my best friend didn't invite me to be gp to her first born. It was just always understood in our relationship that we would be gp to each other's children. She told me it was because i am jewish and it was a catholic christening. She is not catholic or religious at all but wanted to do that for her husband, who was brought up catholic but has never been religious. I understood that to some extent but it did affect my feelings for her and for her daughter, much as that doesn't make me feel great! She also did not invite me to the christening, although she did ask me to come round the night before and bring cake...

She went on to have two further children and I was not invited for either. However they do have gps who are not religious, although they can be all vaguely described as christian. The children have never been to church for anything other than christenings and weddings!

As a consequence of this and some other dodgy interactions we drifted apart a bit, although always in touch, but have recently reconnected which she is very happy about.

In the meantime, another very close friend did ask me to be gp for her daughter. They had a religious christening, they are in fact sincerely and actively christian, go to church once or twice a week, and the friend concerned is now training to be a vicar so her faith is very important to her. She said that although I could not stand up for her daughter and talk about relationship with Jesus etc at the christening, she could not imagine not asking me and wanted me to feel as close as the religious gps did. I am very close to this girl and the friend is also gp to my daughter. It just seemed to cement what was probably already a healthier friendship.

So just to say I get it, being hurt is not a logical response but it is a real human one. I am so glad you are having a conversation with your friend about this.

Thanks.

Exactly thalia. V sad about first friend - I am glad you found resolution and I hope she accepts responsibility for her part in "the drift".

There is a tendency on here by some to imply that we just need to "man up" and not get hurt by anything. Id love to see how they would behave in rl when faced with the same without an iPad and a nickname to hide behind. Maybe they are just hard as nails.

For me the purpose of this forum (and it has helped immensely to process my feelings and have such valuable advice) is to be able to voice things that I wouldn't dream of saying in rl. So all the hurt and misunderstanding can be processed here in a much more healthy and often empathetic way.

Having said that, I know I did post on AIBU.

Tricky

I'm not hard as nails. In one of my previous posts I said about one of my friends who I consider as close as family - she can be hurtful at times but I know that I even if I get the ump with her or upset because what she has said or done doesn't meet my own expectations, I know I've got to remember I don't have the right to demand that she does.

By all means be upset by what your friend did. Completely leaving you off the guest list was cowardly and mean... but you cannot expect somebody to do as you would wish them to.

It would seem on this thread people who have not agreed with what you have posted are the ones receiving the negatives.

There is actually only one person on here whose posts have been v unpleasant. I think we all know who. I feel I have been let off quite lightly - I am referring more to aibu as a whole in my 6 years on mn.

She has just sent a lovely text and I am actually becoming more inclined to believe her reasons.

Okay, just read the whole thing.

Firstly, of course you are NBU to feel deeply hurt and upset.

I'm going to be very gentle, and I mean this very kindly, as I have been in exactly the same situation but on the other side (I was in the position of your friend, if you will).

The way you write about your friend is exactly the way that you might write about a boyfriend, or partner. It all feels very very intense. You've already said that you have self esteem issues, and it feels as if you are maybe over investing in the friendship.

If you've been friends since you were 13, then things are bound to have changed. You have both grown up and become women with your own families. Over all that time, any friendship is going to change. The question is, can you and your friend change with it?

My friend and I couldn't. The reasons that i didn't ask her to be GP to my daughter were long and complex and more to do with the fact that we had both changed a lot since childhood in ways that meant, for me at least, that she wouldn't be the best choice. However, it was incredibly hard to explain this to her as she was, while lovely in almost every way, a very angry person indeed and I was quite scared of her. Things got very complicated and very nasty in the end and it broke my heart and hers. To this day i wish things had turned out differently.

You need to protect yourself, as actually, you sound quite fragile and easily hurt. If you invest everything in one person, you are almost bound to get hurt at some point. Your friend has turned out to have feet of clay, but hey, we all do.

Try and look at the friendship objectively. If you met her now, as opposed to 20 years ago, would she be your Best Friend? Honestly? Is the depth and intensity of the friendship based on years and years of shared history, rather than who you both are as people today?

Btw, I'm not comparing your situation with mine, or suggesting that you are like my friend! Just that friendships wax and wane like any long term relationship, and maybe this is the time to re-evaluate. Losing a long time shared history is losing a lot (I speak from bitter experience - to this day I miss my friend, but there were things we couldn't get past), so think very hard before making any rash judgements.

But maybe look at who your friend is now, not who she was when she was 13, and approach the friendship with new eyes. And do think about trying to build up your self esteem if you need to - you'll find it makes you much better able to cope with the vagaries of friendship

REdsquizzle As it is, my sister made me GP to my nephew which I really don't see the point of, as I can hardly play favourites with him to the exclusion of her other DS and DD! (+ I'm atheist and she's v religious, so I'm not sure why she picked me) If it had been a friend tho, not a relative, I most certainly would be happy to treat them as my 'favourite' as my GC

Not sure why you feel comfortable favouring DC of friend over the rest of their siblings but not your nephew. Asking as I felt it was an odd thing to expect when I was asked to be GP, have always felt it V important to treat my DCs equally (as best you can) and didn't feel comfortable buying for only one sibling when GC.

Mind you it would have worked better now as my DCs are grown up so anyone want a GP who now has a bit of time on her hands AND spare cash?

GreatAuntIrene Happy to explain! Well, try to anyway.

Basically, my nieces and nephews are all completely equal in my eyes, I already am more involved in their lives than that of my friends children, purely by dint of being their aunt. I send bd cards and presents, Xmas presents, and go and stay quite often.
I do not do the same with my friends children, I will send a bd card if we keep in touch a lot, and a family Xmas card, but that's it. Most of my friends live hours away, so they're not part of my daily life. It's lovely to see them when we occasionally meet up, and I love to hear about them, see pics of Facebook etc, but I'm not an active part of their lives.
If however I was their GP, I would consider it my responsibility to keep up to date with them, visit them more, and would basically regard them as an extra niece/nephew. Their sibling would presumably have their own GP, and therefore I would not be depriving them of any extra attention! Nor would I ignore them obv, just not do the extra stuff to the same degree. Otherwise what's special about being that child's GP?

Basically what I'm saying is, being a GC makes that child your 'family', and GPs are chosen for each child individually - not for the entire family.

Hope that makes sense!

Op I feel your pain. My fb christening was arranged to coincide with bf coming over to visit (she lives abroad) so that she could be there and be gm. I found out about her fb christening on Facebook.
I was a bit hurt because if I had known I would seriously have considered flying over so I could've been there. I was a bit sad that she hadn't considered me as a gm but reasoned that as her DH catholic maybe she couldn't have chosen me.
But I have never discussed it with her. I value our friendship and chose to let it go and not take offence. We are still close, we call each other bf and value each other and our friendship. It's just one of those inexplicable things that I just had to decide to not worry about. (Perhaps for her DH christening was purely a formal family only affair and there was no question of my being there?) I just had to forgive her and forget about it.

I think the biggest issue here is that she lied to you about her plans for that weekend, that you asked her and she knowingly concealed the christening from you. If you want your friendship to continue I think you need to forgive her for all the rest of it but tell her face to face that you were hurt about her lying to you. I hope that you can manage to have a heart to heart with her and that she will be honest. Even really nice people do do stupid things sometimes and it doesn't mean that she doesn't want to be friends any more, but you need to have a good chat. If you are as close as you describe your friendship can survive this. Good luck x

cloudbase I do see your point but actually I have a lot of very easy going happy friendships. People who know me describe me as laid back and popular.

She is a very dear friend to me still and actually her reaction has vindicated me I feel because she is very, very upset that this could've caused any disruption to our friendship (I have not said this - she has projected this).

maybe she's read this, op?!

My bf surprised me many years ago when she asked someone else to be gm to her first born, I don't remember feeling hurt like you and there were certainly no discussions about who would be, but I was surprised. As it happens I have a great relationship with said child, it makes no difference what so ever who is gm, so I'm pretty sure your friend would be thinking you'd have that special relationship with her child anyway, regardless. To me it is completely meaningless twaddle. hth. (and yes I've read every post on this thread too!)

Thanks Redsquizzle, I see what you are saying.
Do you have DCs of your own? Being child free would make GM duties easier imo.

GreatAunt yep, I have one DS, only 1yo, so not around when my sis made me GP. Tbh, I think having my own child has made me a better candidate for GPness, as I now get what all the fuss is about! To a point, I didn't really 'get' the big deal before I had my own. Now, I really appreciate it when friends show an interest in DS, and wish I'd made more effort before.

Sorry for thread-jack OP! :)

Sorry Tricky, I didn't mean it to sound as though I thought you were some 'delicate flower' who was over sensitive generally about friendships!

I guess I just meant that often very old friendships can be trickier to negotiate than newer ones. It might like a seem counter intuitive way to look at it, but over 20 years, either she or you or both of you are bound to have changed. I just think you might need to reconsider whether you in fact are still 'those' people, and whether you both need to 'adjust your lenses' so to speak as I'd hate you both to end up in this situation again, way down the line...

Change doesn't have to be a negative thing, but it is inevitable when you've known someone 20 years!

Anyway, I am glad that you're back in touch and feeling happier, and hope you can meet up, hug and both come away reassured and happy

I feel as though I have stepped into a parallel universe. It never would have occurred to me that so much angst could center around the choice of godparent. I'm very surprised that so many people agree with the OP. A bit of disappointment I could understand. But my mind boggles at such intense emotions, feelings of humiliation, distancing oneself from the parent and child, etc. Obviously, we all feel what we feel, but to me this seems like a massive overreaction.

IMO, the parents should choose the godparents they would like for their children, without pressure or expectations from anyone. And it surely has nothing to do with lending/giving fancy hand-me-downs. That part just seems inordinately odd to me. In addition, I would be very uncomfortable if I had a friend who ascribed all sorts of (mostly negative) motivations to my behaviour. If I were the friend in this scenario, I'm quite sure I would be the one to distance myself from the OP. I don't think I could cope with the drama. (And yes, I know that the OP's friend has assured us she isn't high maintenance, but perhaps we all have different levels of tolerance for such behaviour.)

I'm so glad that I am an atheist and will never have to choose godparents or serve as a godparent!

Well obviously it has become more of an existential discussion about the nature of friendship than purely about my small drama. Which I said from the very beginning was not a huge deal in the great scheme of things. But it has obviously captured people's imagination. I am losing no more sleep about my friendship which seems pretty back on track thanks.