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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

godparent snub

684 replies

trickychalice · 09/07/2012 17:56

Namechanger here. I know, I know, the most middle class of problems, but tbh I am really quite hurt at the moment and would like a little perspective.

I have 3 ds. The person I have always considered to be my bf had a baby girl a few months ago. We were at school together, went travelling together, have always been a double act. She lives a few hours away. When I had ds1 she was the first to visit at hospital and I made her his godmother before we left hospital. I was her matron of honour.

Her and her dh have always struggled financially - a lot. When I had ds3 I saved all clothes/crib/bugaboo to give her. She was supposed to come and collect it before her baby was born, but for some reason couldn't, so we packed up all ds and drove 4 hours to give it to her (stayed the weekend). I am very sentimental about my stuff, but thought I had given it totally open-heartedly to help my bf. I must admit that I assumed it would be used by a much loved godchild.

Long story short, I have just seen christening photos on fb (she called me at the weekend and didn't mention that her dd was being christened - she knows that I would be hurt about this- hence not telling me) and I see that another friend is godmother. Obviously it is her choice as to who the godparents are - and I know I would be flamed for suggesting otherwise, but I am still v hurt. She rang me just before the baby was born and was v upset shopping for stuff and asked if I could lend her a pram - I rushed ds out of the bugaboo (I know I sound a dick talking about the bugaboo, but its just to show that I gave her quality stuff that I can ill afford and could have sold for some much needed cash) and into a mclaren so that she could have it. It honestly wasn't supposed to be a poisoned chalice, but I don't think she should have asked in the knowledge that I wasn't going to be godparent.

The person she has chosen is a very fun, old friend of hers, but she would be disingenuous to suggest that this friend has been a better friend - trust me I just know she hasn't. I think I am disillusioned that there is so much empire building in these decisions - she has always been slightly in awe of this friend. There are friends that I have been a bit Hmm about not being asked to be godparent to their kids, but I wouldn't have dreamt of saying anything. I am only pointing this out to show that this really does feel different.

I don't really know what I am asking - I know I will be told that I can't possibly dictate who people choose - it is there choice and is made for many different reasons etc, etc, but I guess I need to know if my feelings are valid? Should she have spoken to me and explained things? Mentioned it when she called at the weekend? Not accepted the stuff?

I have drafted an email - short, factual, but stating my hurt and that I don't know if our friendship can recover. This is not meant to be manipulative, but they have a trip planned and I cannot possibly act as if nothing has happened.

Please be gentle - I know that there are far, far more serious problems out there, but this is my small rather humble one for the day. I have namechanged because I am anticipating a slating and am probably a bit ashamed that this has upset me so much.

OP posts:
Badvoc · 09/07/2012 18:12

Argh, bloody Pisa! Pics on FB I meant!

Badvoc · 09/07/2012 18:12

Oh my good lord...bloody iPad!!

Slopes off.....

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 18:12

Sorry. Re: religion neither me nor chosen gp regular church-goers.

OP posts:
IawnCont · 09/07/2012 18:13

"...I don't think she should have asked in the knowledge that I wasn't going to be godparent."
Really? So you did want something in return for the pram, didn't you?
I think YABU. And I think she probably didn't invite you to the christening because she knew you'd be upset. FWIW, I don't think you're BU to be upset, but I'm amazed you think it's appropriate to send her a sniffy email about it.

BlueFergie · 09/07/2012 18:14

If she had told you about not being godmother, would you have refused to lend her the stuff?

EvilTwins · 09/07/2012 18:14

Badvoc it wasn't the friend who posted the pics, it was someone else.

OP - are you religious? Do you think that a Christening is just a party?

Pooka · 09/07/2012 18:14

I think is pretty odd not to inite your godchild's parent (op in this case) to christening, regardless of whether you are reciprocating in asking them to be godparent.

I think it stinks.

Forget about the stuff. Though I'd be feeling pretty resentful of the journey o deliver stuff, and the time I'd invested in the friendship.

daffydowndilly · 09/07/2012 18:15

YABU and sound a bit needy and insecure. She has the right to choose whoever she wishes to be godparent, and she has the right to a small christening without you being invited.

There seem to be some boundary issues going on here. No one forced you to lend things, and no one forced you to drive to hers to deliver it. If I were your friend and read this post, or received any letter like the one you have written, I think I would think twice about our friendship. I mean for goodness sake, she made you matron of honour AND came straight to the hospital to see you when your baby was born, she is allowed other friends too without you being upset.

Pooka · 09/07/2012 18:16

But evil twins - neither the op nor the chosn godparent are regular church goers. This is not the reason op not chosen.

daffydowndilly · 09/07/2012 18:16

LOL at posting pigs on facebook badvoc.

whattodoo · 09/07/2012 18:17

I would be hurt too.

But please think very hard before sending the email - there will be no going back.

I think you should call and say you've seen that their DD has been christened, and would have loved to join the celebrations.

Your bf may be feeling awful for not asking you to be godmother, but had her own reasons for asking others.

Don't burn your bridges before letting her have the opportunity to explain.

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 18:17

But friends have a short-hand - you usually don't need to discuss - that is why I assumed. I was wrong and I misjudged her and our friendship and that is v sad. It is a friendship of 20 years and we have been through many things together.

OP posts:
EvilTwins · 09/07/2012 18:17

Sorry x-post again.

I just don't think that Christenings are big deals, in that way. I am pretty sure I've only been to two. There have been others at the two churches DH and I have been members of, which we have been to because they were done as part of the normal service.

Primrose123 · 09/07/2012 18:17

YANBU, I can understand why you feel hurt, especially to not be invited to the christening.

dillnameddog · 09/07/2012 18:18

Don't send the letter. Sit with it for a while, and tell her how you feel when the situation arises naturally.

Chubfuddler · 09/07/2012 18:18

What is sad is that you wouldn't have lent her that much needed stuff if you had known you weren't going to be princess for a day godmother. That's sad.

Abra1d · 09/07/2012 18:18

For both our children we only invited family and godparents. I would not expect to go to one unless I was either of these.

Roseformeplease · 09/07/2012 18:19

This has happened to me ( twice) and it really, really hurts. I have every sympathy with it and would love to say I did something clever but I didn't; I shut up, remained friends and never, ever mentioned it again. I think you just have to accept that how you feel about someone is not the same as how they feel about you. But, if it is her first, there may be more and then it might be your turn. In both my cases they had an only child but I know I had godparents saved up to use with number 2 and I started with my oldest friend and then worked forward.

BlameItOnTheBogey · 09/07/2012 18:21

I kind of agree with you though that it is likely that the reason she didn't invite you at all was because she knew you would be upset at not being asked to be a godmother. I think this is pretty cowardly. She can ask who she likes but she needs to have the courage to stand up for her decisions.

squeaver · 09/07/2012 18:21

I can understand where you're coming from but don't send the email. Your friendship will be over.

WorraLiberty · 09/07/2012 18:21

I have drafted an email - short, factual, but stating my hurt and that I don't know if our friendship can recover. This is not meant to be manipulative, but they have a trip planned and I cannot possibly act as if nothing has happened

Ok well here's my advice FWIW

Delete the email and type another one asking why she didn't invite you to the Christening. Don't mention the favours you did for her or the fact you'd quite unreasonably decided you were going to be her baby's Godparent.

But be prepared for her to reply that she didn't want you to know about the Christening because you'd decided that you were going to be Godmother.

If you're as close as you say, your friendship will survive this but you've got to stop attaching mental conditions to any favours you do her.

BackforGood · 09/07/2012 18:21

I see you haven't answered the question about how strong your faith is yet ? That is a pretty important factor in deciding on GodParents for a lot of people.

You do sound a bit odd saying that she shouldn't have asked about the pram if she wasn't going to ask you to be Godparent, tbh. That is definitely not the way I think - if I can pass something on to someone, then I do, and am glad they can make use of it, it would never occur to be that it was some kind of bribe to get me asked to a party or even become a Godparent.

Re being invited to the Christening, I think that bit could have been upsetting if they had a 'do' with lots of friends. Many people don't - just family and Godparents, in which case you wouldn't have been invited, so, we can't judge, without knowing who else went.

BackforGood · 09/07/2012 18:22

x-posted with lots - you have now answered!

RevoltingPeasant · 09/07/2012 18:22

OP do you think it was that she wanted Other Friend to be the GP - knew you would be hurt/ needy about it - and did the cowardly thing and just not invite you?

If she struggles financially do you think she just couldn't afford to have anyone except the actual GPs there?

Has she possibly 'found' religion recently and is taking it more seriously than you would?

Don't take this the wrong way, but your constant talk of empire building is a little odd and does sound 'transactiony'. Like you are trading favours. Maybe she is just uncomfortable with that.

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 18:23

Friendships have a culture attached to them. I know she is embarrassed that she asked other friend and hasn't talked to me. Her silence on the issue bears this out - i asked what she was up to at the weekend and she pointedly said she wasnt up to much. Thats not how we have ever behaved.

It was mainly a family christening do I wouldn't have expected an invite unless as gp.

I may be needy and insecure but less than her. Like I say, plenty of very good friends haven't asked me to be gp and I haven't minded and wouldn't have dreamt of saying anything. This is different.

OP posts: