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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

godparent snub

684 replies

trickychalice · 09/07/2012 17:56

Namechanger here. I know, I know, the most middle class of problems, but tbh I am really quite hurt at the moment and would like a little perspective.

I have 3 ds. The person I have always considered to be my bf had a baby girl a few months ago. We were at school together, went travelling together, have always been a double act. She lives a few hours away. When I had ds1 she was the first to visit at hospital and I made her his godmother before we left hospital. I was her matron of honour.

Her and her dh have always struggled financially - a lot. When I had ds3 I saved all clothes/crib/bugaboo to give her. She was supposed to come and collect it before her baby was born, but for some reason couldn't, so we packed up all ds and drove 4 hours to give it to her (stayed the weekend). I am very sentimental about my stuff, but thought I had given it totally open-heartedly to help my bf. I must admit that I assumed it would be used by a much loved godchild.

Long story short, I have just seen christening photos on fb (she called me at the weekend and didn't mention that her dd was being christened - she knows that I would be hurt about this- hence not telling me) and I see that another friend is godmother. Obviously it is her choice as to who the godparents are - and I know I would be flamed for suggesting otherwise, but I am still v hurt. She rang me just before the baby was born and was v upset shopping for stuff and asked if I could lend her a pram - I rushed ds out of the bugaboo (I know I sound a dick talking about the bugaboo, but its just to show that I gave her quality stuff that I can ill afford and could have sold for some much needed cash) and into a mclaren so that she could have it. It honestly wasn't supposed to be a poisoned chalice, but I don't think she should have asked in the knowledge that I wasn't going to be godparent.

The person she has chosen is a very fun, old friend of hers, but she would be disingenuous to suggest that this friend has been a better friend - trust me I just know she hasn't. I think I am disillusioned that there is so much empire building in these decisions - she has always been slightly in awe of this friend. There are friends that I have been a bit Hmm about not being asked to be godparent to their kids, but I wouldn't have dreamt of saying anything. I am only pointing this out to show that this really does feel different.

I don't really know what I am asking - I know I will be told that I can't possibly dictate who people choose - it is there choice and is made for many different reasons etc, etc, but I guess I need to know if my feelings are valid? Should she have spoken to me and explained things? Mentioned it when she called at the weekend? Not accepted the stuff?

I have drafted an email - short, factual, but stating my hurt and that I don't know if our friendship can recover. This is not meant to be manipulative, but they have a trip planned and I cannot possibly act as if nothing has happened.

Please be gentle - I know that there are far, far more serious problems out there, but this is my small rather humble one for the day. I have namechanged because I am anticipating a slating and am probably a bit ashamed that this has upset me so much.

OP posts:
Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 19:10

only that you are making your friend feel so uncomfortable about something completely innocent that she feels forced to lie

Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 19:11

What's naive is thinking that if I make X my kids GP, they'll make me their kids GP

that is stupid and childish

squeakytoy · 09/07/2012 19:12

why do you think she chose the other friend then? and I would imagine her husband had a say in it too..

Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 19:12

I mean would you really want to be asked out of OBLIGATION? seems you would!

siucra · 09/07/2012 19:12

Yes, of course you are hurt. And I feel for you so much for you. That hurt can be so strong. You will have to get over it, though. But it might take you a long time. Grit your teeth and act like you don't care. You don't know why she has done this - who knows? - but make yourself feel better but remembering that you gave with an 'open-heart' and that's the way to live life. You sound like brilliant friend and the world is lucky to have you.

happyhopefulmummy · 09/07/2012 19:12

I haven't read the whole thread, but I do think that she maybe could have mentioned something to you, just to spare her close friend hurt feelings. When I chose godparents for our baby, I knew one friend would potentially be a little hurt she wasn't chosen so sent her a quick email letting her know who I'd chosen, so she didn't hear about it from Someone else. I knew she appreciated it, it made me feel better and there was no awkwardness. She clearly also feels uncomfortable as well...

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 19:12

I am sure IABU about lots of this - but perhaps not all. I have accepted IABU to email, but constructive advice about impending visit would be good. I'd love to be all peace and love but not sure I can be. Don't want to be bitter and pinched but that's probably how I'll come across.

OP posts:
AGiraffeUnderTheFloorBoards · 09/07/2012 19:12

I can see why you're hurt but I wouldn't over analyse this and I would never send an email. You can't second guess her reasons without upsetting yourself and driving yourself nuts - and she shouldn't have to justify them to you either. You have every right to be hurt if you want - but you can also use this situation as a chance to re-evaluate your friendship if you think you need to.

You just don't know why she didn't pick you. It may not even be to do with the status your friendship. Maybe she even thinks she doesn't need to ask you to be GP because you're so reliable and brilliant you'll be around for her DC anyway but the other friend needs tying in - who knows. Maybe her DH wanted someone else - maybe she feels totally awkward. Who knows.

Be proud that you gave a friend help when she was in need rather than thinking it should mean something else. If you feel you can do that again in the future good for you. But if you feel that maybe this relationship has been a bit one sided perhaps it's a chance for you to examine why that's been the case. Sometimes I think friendships do better if they aren't put under too much scrutiny and just enjoyed and accepted (though if someone is being a twat or you've grown up, naturally move on all you like....)

blonderthanred · 09/07/2012 19:13

I do understand a bit. I have a friend whose child I would have loved to be Godparent to, but I know she couldn't ask everyone - being pg myself I hope I don't offend anyone in a few months! Funnily enough though I've always seen it as an honour and a responsibility, not a reward. I understand what you are trying to say about the pram etc but I can also understand why other posters are giving you short shrift as it is a fine line.

Two friends since have asked me to be God/Guidemother. In the first instance it was a Church ceremony and I said I wasn't religious but she wanted someone she felt would be there for her child and give guidance, no matter what. I think lots of people want that for their child, more than someone who is religious but who may drift away in time, and it sounds like this is what you felt her decision was a comment on.

I'd agree with the others, don't send the email. Ask about the Christening with an open mind and see what she says. Maybe say that you hope to have a supporting role in her child's life and will always be there. Send your love and see what comes back.

Chubfuddler · 09/07/2012 19:14

Maybe the other friend bought her one of those BFF bracelets cherie linked to. And made her not tell you about the christening under pain of not being her BFF anymore.

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 19:14

I have 3 kids with gp and am not remotely hurt that none of the others have reciprocated. This is different. sigh

OP posts:
OhNoMyFanjo · 09/07/2012 19:15

I'm not surprised you are hurt, I would be too but only you know tge best way to approach her about it.

cocoachannel · 09/07/2012 19:17

I can absolutely see why you're upset OP but I wouldn't send that email. Why not call and meet for a drink or something and ask her face to face?

FWIW, these things are not reciprocal arrangements. My DD's godmother is unlikely to ask me for example, because she has a very close friend through her Church who would be a more appropriate choice. But when she does have a baby I will shower him or her with lots of love and gifts regardless!

happyhopefulmummy · 09/07/2012 19:17

* your friend clearly feels uncomfortable, I meant. Not my friend!

thebody · 09/07/2012 19:17

See I am a great friend but if one of my friends acted this way I couldn't smile and feel glad that I leant her baby stuff.

I would be hurt and then angry.

Don't know about the god parent thing as havnt had mine christened but to not invite you to the christning was rude.

Personally I would cancel her visit, say you have unavoidable plans and move on. Make nicer less using friends.

I totally get your feelings op and she is out of order.

JustAnotherSod · 09/07/2012 19:18

How near to your friend does the Godmother live - if you are 4 hours away from her could it be she has just asked someone who is closer, and, if it was a small christening, they have maybe only invited local family and friends?

Not worth throwing away a 20 year friendship over a perceived snub, especially if you can't just ask her about it.

Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 19:18

"I have 3 kids with gp and am not remotely hurt that none of the others have reciprocated. This is different. sigh"

then perhaps, in a kind way OP, you are a bit.. too needy with this friend
yes you have done a lot for her, but that is a trait that many needy friends have in common (its like they try to make themselves indispensible)

You can be best friends without always being shotgun

You shouldn't need constant validation of your friendship status with titles like GP

wigglesrock · 09/07/2012 19:19

I understand you being upset about not a word being said about the actual christening. However with regard to the godmother thing Grin I have been on the opposite side of this in the past year or so.

I didn't pick obvious (brother-in-law and wife) godparents for my youngest daughter. They haven't been godparents for any of our children and I thought they'd understand, they see the children, we're all fairly close etc but they didn't understand at all - to say that it caused a huge rift in my husbands family is putting it mildly and they're very understated in general.

I know that "but we always buy them such expensive presents when they have children" was bandied about at the time and "we've always been so good to them" etc was mentioned as well but at the end of the day I thought they'd get that being godparents wouldn't make them any more involved in the childrens lives - they're already family fgs and that to me getting the children christened was about religion, so I thought it would be a bit dicky to have Godparents who didn't bring their own children up in the faith that we wanted ours brought up in. It was a feckin' nightmare and tbh over a year later our relationship is still very shaky.

fudgesmummy · 09/07/2012 19:19

I totally understand how hurt you must be you are defiantly not bu

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 19:20

But cherie I haven't done anything yet. So why am I so high maintenance and needy? As far as she knows I haven't even seen the pics.

OP posts:
milkovermayhem · 09/07/2012 19:22

I would be very hurt too and it is difficult for this not to show. I would have a conversation with her before the weekend and if it feels right and appropriate bring the christening up.

As for the posters giving you a really hard time-self righteous and patronising spring to mind for them

Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 19:23

well given that you ASSUMED you would be GP for a start

milkovermayhem · 09/07/2012 19:23

I don't think you are needy, I think you might just expect to be treated by ours the way you treat them. Unfortunately life isn't always like that.

milkovermayhem · 09/07/2012 19:24

Cherie. - you are a real charmer arent you?

pigletmania · 09/07/2012 19:24

YANBU at all. I would be more hurt at not being invited to the Christening tbh, and tharpt she thinks so little of your friendship. The friendship would not be the same again and I would ask for my things back