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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

godparent snub

684 replies

trickychalice · 09/07/2012 17:56

Namechanger here. I know, I know, the most middle class of problems, but tbh I am really quite hurt at the moment and would like a little perspective.

I have 3 ds. The person I have always considered to be my bf had a baby girl a few months ago. We were at school together, went travelling together, have always been a double act. She lives a few hours away. When I had ds1 she was the first to visit at hospital and I made her his godmother before we left hospital. I was her matron of honour.

Her and her dh have always struggled financially - a lot. When I had ds3 I saved all clothes/crib/bugaboo to give her. She was supposed to come and collect it before her baby was born, but for some reason couldn't, so we packed up all ds and drove 4 hours to give it to her (stayed the weekend). I am very sentimental about my stuff, but thought I had given it totally open-heartedly to help my bf. I must admit that I assumed it would be used by a much loved godchild.

Long story short, I have just seen christening photos on fb (she called me at the weekend and didn't mention that her dd was being christened - she knows that I would be hurt about this- hence not telling me) and I see that another friend is godmother. Obviously it is her choice as to who the godparents are - and I know I would be flamed for suggesting otherwise, but I am still v hurt. She rang me just before the baby was born and was v upset shopping for stuff and asked if I could lend her a pram - I rushed ds out of the bugaboo (I know I sound a dick talking about the bugaboo, but its just to show that I gave her quality stuff that I can ill afford and could have sold for some much needed cash) and into a mclaren so that she could have it. It honestly wasn't supposed to be a poisoned chalice, but I don't think she should have asked in the knowledge that I wasn't going to be godparent.

The person she has chosen is a very fun, old friend of hers, but she would be disingenuous to suggest that this friend has been a better friend - trust me I just know she hasn't. I think I am disillusioned that there is so much empire building in these decisions - she has always been slightly in awe of this friend. There are friends that I have been a bit Hmm about not being asked to be godparent to their kids, but I wouldn't have dreamt of saying anything. I am only pointing this out to show that this really does feel different.

I don't really know what I am asking - I know I will be told that I can't possibly dictate who people choose - it is there choice and is made for many different reasons etc, etc, but I guess I need to know if my feelings are valid? Should she have spoken to me and explained things? Mentioned it when she called at the weekend? Not accepted the stuff?

I have drafted an email - short, factual, but stating my hurt and that I don't know if our friendship can recover. This is not meant to be manipulative, but they have a trip planned and I cannot possibly act as if nothing has happened.

Please be gentle - I know that there are far, far more serious problems out there, but this is my small rather humble one for the day. I have namechanged because I am anticipating a slating and am probably a bit ashamed that this has upset me so much.

OP posts:
BlameItOnTheBogey · 09/07/2012 18:26

OK so in that case, I agree with the poster who said that your emails should just ask why she didn't tell you about the Christening. See how she responds to that and go from there....

TheCraicDealer · 09/07/2012 18:27

I can totally see how you'd be hurt. Ok, she never said that she wanted to be her DD's godmother, but you'd think after all the lending of bugaboos and clothes and general warm-and-fuzziness she would've at least brought up the fact that her DD was getting christened. I can see how you assumed that she would return the gesture you made with the first DC, rightly or wrongly.

I would send the email, but change the focus about why you're hurt. Ignore the fact she didn't ask you to be godmother- it will look petty however you phrase it. She obviously felt bad that she chose the other friend, but why couldn't she just tell you and ask you to the do?

lifechanger · 09/07/2012 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nondomesticgoddess · 09/07/2012 18:29

We had very small christenings for both our dcs - the only friends we invited were the godparents. (Dh has several siblings so we did have a fair number of family there) Most of my friends have gone down this route and as a result, everyone knows where they stand and nobody minds not being invited on occasion.

Howvere, if this is the way your friend planned her dc's christening, as her best friend it might have been kind to explain the situation to you.

Another thought - do you get on well with her dh?? One of my friends who I would happily have asked to be a godparent was veto-ed by dh.

If I was you I would definitely feel hurt but DON'T send the email! Wait and have a chat with her about it. Just be honest with her and explain how you feel. Good luck!

fuckwittery · 09/07/2012 18:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IawnCont · 09/07/2012 18:31

"Friendships have a culture attached to them"
I'm sorry, but that sounds like a cop out to me. It's another way of saying to everyone who thinks you're being unreasonable that we just don't understand how your friendship works.

trickychalice · 09/07/2012 18:35

It's less the conditions attached to giving her stuff than that I would've given stuff which, as I have said has strong sentimental value attached, to someone who I was closer to. Is that so hard to understand?

I do regret giving her that stuff because I know she will know that I expected to be godparent (we may have even discussed this pre-kids) and so I think it was disingenuous of her to accept the things knowing that she was going to awkwardly lie about the christening and choose someone else (who I can absolutely guarantee will not make her godmother to her kids). I could've given that stuff to someone in my town where I would get it back and it could do the rounds of friends here rather than losing it into the ether 4 hours away. Or I could've put it away for my next child that dh won't let me have.

I am talking about empire building in the context of my bf always being slightly in awe of gp and now cementing that friendship. As is her right of course, but it seems a bit cynical when it is always me who she turns to in times of trouble etc.

OP posts:
OpenMindedSceptic · 09/07/2012 18:37

Christening is not about who is your best friend. It should be a person who will be involved in religious life of a child.
YABU to assume you should be the godparent.
YANBU to be upset, we are all human, and it is rude of her not to invite you.

Please don't lose your friendship over this.

WorraLiberty · 09/07/2012 18:40

It's less the conditions attached to giving her stuff than that I would've given stuff which, as I have said has strong sentimental value attached, to someone who I was closer to. Is that so hard to understand?

No it's crystal clear and YABVU

LentillyFart · 09/07/2012 18:42

I'm still not seeing a whole load of committed religious faith here. Being a Godparent isn't a status symbol - you do see that do you? Actually - I don't think you do. I simply do not understand this wholesale Christening of babies by non-religious parents - can anyone explain that one to me?

shergar · 09/07/2012 18:42

OP, I understand how hurt you must be - to not even have been invited to the christening by someone who is GP to your child, and who is happy to cadge a pushchair from you, is not a nice feeling. I suspect you don't mean as much to her as she does to you, but I think you need to talk to her about this (calmly, explaining that you've seen the pics on FB and are very hurt that weren't invited, and gently ask why) rather than email. You're more likely to get the truth if you catch her on the phone with it, than giving her time to respond to an email.

I'd want the bugaboo back too, personally.....how are you planning to deal with her proposed visit?

Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 18:43

WOAH yabTOTALLYu!
who you pick for GP doen't = who you give your BFF bear locket to

I can see why she didn't tell you about it if this is how you react to things like this actually! Not everyone wants the christening to turn into a party they have to cater for! she probably would have told you about it if she didn't think that you were the type who would expect to be at everything because you are "best friends"

I wasn't invited to my best friend's child's christening nor was I a GP, she didnt' have a mini-wedding type christening, but she was free to tell me that it was happening cause I'm not the type to bat an eye at my best friend doing some stuff without me!

trickychalice · 09/07/2012 18:44

Why a cop out? It is impossible to convey the nuances of a 20 year friendship in a few posts on the Internet. You do take things for granted - much as she took it for granted that it was ok to come straight to the hospital when I had ds1 after a long labour and emcs.

She wasn't remotely surprised to be made gp and I'm sure assumed it would happen.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 09/07/2012 18:44

I don't think you do. I simply do not understand this wholesale Christening of babies by non-religious parents - can anyone explain that one to me?

Presents

Photos

Pretty gown

Money

More presents

Oh and did I mention presents?

TheCraicDealer · 09/07/2012 18:45

Yes, but Cherie I'm sure had you asked your friend about plans for the weekend she may have mentioned her DC's christening.

LentillyFart · 09/07/2012 18:46

I think you forgot the partaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay worra

Grin
Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 18:46

(who I can absolutely guarantee will not make her godmother to her kids)

so? that's not what its about!
you are mistaking being a god parent for getting one of these:
www.amazon.co.uk/Bestfriends-Bracelet-Pink-Heart-Friendship/dp/B002GTOMQQ/ref=sr_1_sc_2?s=jewelry&ie=UTF8&qid=1341855968&sr=1-2-spell

wimblehorse · 09/07/2012 18:47

Am not religious so not sure about godparent status - is part of the expectation that if sthg happened to both parents, the godparents would become guardians? If so could be that you having 3 dc's already plus the 4 hour away so their dc won't know you so well factored in her decision?
Agree with other posters, you can't bring up having given her things, it will make you look petty. If you think friendship can handle it, just explain you are sad you weren't invited to christening. You've said some things are "assumed" between you so she will know you mean "and that I wasn't asked to be godparent"

Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 18:47

"Yes, but Cherie I'm sure had you asked your friend about plans for the weekend she may have mentioned her DC's christening"

uh huh, BECAUSE she knew I'm not the type to be put out by not being there and not being GP, unlike the OP

WorraLiberty · 09/07/2012 18:48

Oh yeah, gotta have a partaaaaay for a ickle baaybee innit? Grin

Bugger all to do with religion though

trickychalice · 09/07/2012 18:48

Thanks shergar. Seems like a common sense answer to my posts. I'm just hurt, that's all. I'm not holding her to ransom and I'm not going to go psycho-bitch on her. I don't feel the same about our friendship and I am dreading her visit. I wanted to pre-empt that with an email but maybe that is not the best approach so thanks all for input. Smile

OP posts:
Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 18:48

"is part of the expectation that if sthg happened to both parents, the godparents would become guardians?"

no being a GP means nothing if the parents die, without any viable suggestions in the will it'll go to a resonably young relative who has a reasonably stable life

trickychalice · 09/07/2012 18:51

Also - don't make assumptions about anyone's religiosity. Being a regular church goer does not give you the final word on sanctimony. I may say my rosary every night and be hugely spiritual - I didn't say I never went to church - just as much as chosen gp and parents of ickle babee...

OP posts:
TheCraicDealer · 09/07/2012 18:52

So instead of preempting any upset and being upfront about it the friend should lie and pretend it never happened? Mature.

Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 18:54

not what I'ld do, but I can see why the friend did it if the OPs reaction is typical of her!

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