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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

godparent snub

684 replies

trickychalice · 09/07/2012 17:56

Namechanger here. I know, I know, the most middle class of problems, but tbh I am really quite hurt at the moment and would like a little perspective.

I have 3 ds. The person I have always considered to be my bf had a baby girl a few months ago. We were at school together, went travelling together, have always been a double act. She lives a few hours away. When I had ds1 she was the first to visit at hospital and I made her his godmother before we left hospital. I was her matron of honour.

Her and her dh have always struggled financially - a lot. When I had ds3 I saved all clothes/crib/bugaboo to give her. She was supposed to come and collect it before her baby was born, but for some reason couldn't, so we packed up all ds and drove 4 hours to give it to her (stayed the weekend). I am very sentimental about my stuff, but thought I had given it totally open-heartedly to help my bf. I must admit that I assumed it would be used by a much loved godchild.

Long story short, I have just seen christening photos on fb (she called me at the weekend and didn't mention that her dd was being christened - she knows that I would be hurt about this- hence not telling me) and I see that another friend is godmother. Obviously it is her choice as to who the godparents are - and I know I would be flamed for suggesting otherwise, but I am still v hurt. She rang me just before the baby was born and was v upset shopping for stuff and asked if I could lend her a pram - I rushed ds out of the bugaboo (I know I sound a dick talking about the bugaboo, but its just to show that I gave her quality stuff that I can ill afford and could have sold for some much needed cash) and into a mclaren so that she could have it. It honestly wasn't supposed to be a poisoned chalice, but I don't think she should have asked in the knowledge that I wasn't going to be godparent.

The person she has chosen is a very fun, old friend of hers, but she would be disingenuous to suggest that this friend has been a better friend - trust me I just know she hasn't. I think I am disillusioned that there is so much empire building in these decisions - she has always been slightly in awe of this friend. There are friends that I have been a bit Hmm about not being asked to be godparent to their kids, but I wouldn't have dreamt of saying anything. I am only pointing this out to show that this really does feel different.

I don't really know what I am asking - I know I will be told that I can't possibly dictate who people choose - it is there choice and is made for many different reasons etc, etc, but I guess I need to know if my feelings are valid? Should she have spoken to me and explained things? Mentioned it when she called at the weekend? Not accepted the stuff?

I have drafted an email - short, factual, but stating my hurt and that I don't know if our friendship can recover. This is not meant to be manipulative, but they have a trip planned and I cannot possibly act as if nothing has happened.

Please be gentle - I know that there are far, far more serious problems out there, but this is my small rather humble one for the day. I have namechanged because I am anticipating a slating and am probably a bit ashamed that this has upset me so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 18:55

Well done cherie, you must be very cool not to get hurt by a perceived snub from a very dear old friend. I commend you.

OP posts:
Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 18:55

and please WTF does the pushchair have to do with it?

I've handed down expensive baby stuff to people who didn't make me GP - should I ask for it all back?

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 18:56

And why is this a typical reaction from me? In 20 odd years we have had no drama whatsoever in our friendship. And I have never ever been particularly hurt by not being chosen to be godparent before.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 09/07/2012 18:56

Of course you think Shergar is talking common sense. She agrees with you.

Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 18:57

its not a snub, you were wrong to assume you would be GP to someone's child just because they are your childs GP, or because you lent a pram, or because you are BFFs

that was YOUR mistake

Flyonthewindscreen · 09/07/2012 18:57

Don't send your proposed email, phone your friend, mention that you have seen photos of the christening on facebook, ask why she didn't mention it as you would have sent a card and then leave her be for a bit and see how you feel about it after a while.

WorraLiberty · 09/07/2012 18:58

Also - don't make assumptions about anyone's religiosity. Being a regular church goer does not give you the final word on sanctimony. I may say my rosary every night and be hugely spiritual - I didn't say I never went to church - just as much as chosen gp and parents of ickle babee...

Yeah? Well so far this thread has been about you, you, you.

No mention of you being disappointed at not being chosen to religiously guide the child at all.

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 18:58

Hence why I put perceived snub.

OP posts:
Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 18:58

and you yourself said that it was just family and GPs at the Baptism, rather than a big christening party, if everyone BUT you was there I'ld sympathise!

Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 19:00

"And why is this a typical reaction from me?"

well because if she knows you well enough to have guessed you would react as you HAVE reacted... then she was right wasn't she?

outtolunchagain · 09/07/2012 19:00

OP i would be hurt like you,if someone I regarded as my oldest and closest friend and who had clearly relied on me for support lied to me in such a way.

I would probably have understood if they had rung me and explained why I hadn't been invited prior to the event (although not inviting the parent of your godson to your own PFB baptism would I think be unusual,especially after blagging a load of baby stuff from them)but i would have understood ,hopefully, but to blatantly lie...I would be devastated and probably would just let the friendship whither away,no great drama,its just over .

Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 19:01

Be 100% honest OP, if your friend had answered to your weekend enquiries with

"yeah we're getting LO christened, maybe see you next week yeah?"

would you be fine n dandy bout the pram/GP thing?

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 19:03

Making someone a godparent is a statement about many things - the depth of your friendship, the influence that someone will have on your child's life - spiritual and otherwise. I am disappointed on all those fronts. I am human and thus flawed. I can't pretend i was only disappointed I was not going to be a beacon of religion for this baby.

OP posts:
Hopefullyrecovering · 09/07/2012 19:03

OP you are being breath-takingly naive here. Do you not know the first RULE of choosing a god-parent?

I suggest you don't. Go look it up.

Oh, alright. I'll tell you.

The first rule of choosing a godparent is that they (a) have to be childless themselves. This restricts the pool of likely applicants, and you can't be sure they'll be childless unless they are of a certain age. Then (b) they have to be wealthy.

As one befuddled childless multimillionairess once said to me 'I really can't understand why everyone wants me to be a god-parent. I do hope that they've all got adequate life-insurance that'll cover boarding schools in the event of anything unfortunate happening.'

outtolunchagain · 09/07/2012 19:03

On the religiosity front,although it pains me to say, it I suspect about 90% of christenings have nothing whatsoever to do with religion and everything to do with celebrating and tradition .

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 19:04

Or cherie more likely she buried her head in the sand about a potentially awkward situation, as she is prone to do.

OP posts:
Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 19:05

yeah I was right, you are mixing up Baptism with exchange of BFF friendship bracelets!

no OP to many people the latter is all it is about! its not a way to rank friends!

My DS's GPs are not my "best friends", they are very dear to me, but not my best friends

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 19:05

Grin thanks hopefully a bit of well needed and perceptive humour.

OP posts:
BlameItOnTheBogey · 09/07/2012 19:06

I think you are getting a hard time here. In your shoes, if this were my best friend (i.e. not just a theoretical best friend but if I imagine that my real life best friend did this to me) I'd be gutted.

I also get where you are coming from on the push chair etc. It's not the stuff, it's the fact that you gave it thinking the relationship was something it now appears not to be.

I would email her. And it is ok in that email to acknowledge that you are a bit hurt she didn't tell you about the event. But I'd make it more about the christening and not about being a god parent. If you don't this will eat away at you and is likely to ruin the friendship anyway.

Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 19:06

if its awkward, its awkward because of YOU
not because there SHOULD be anything awkward with not inviting friends other than GP to a baptism

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 19:07

Well then cherie I think you are being naive. Friendship is a huge part of it - definitely amongst friends of mine. I can promise you she didn't choose other friend because she will be a better religious influence!

OP posts:
Cheriefroufrou · 09/07/2012 19:09

I'm not naive, I'm a grown up and a practicing christian!

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 19:09

And there isn't anything awkward about the many, many christenings I haven't been invited to of very good friends. Doesn't that tell you that there is something different about this one?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 09/07/2012 19:10

Maybe she just prefers the other friend then.

Send the draft

Don't send the draft

I don't think it matters really since you refuse to accept it when anyone says YABU.

Original poster
trickychalice · 09/07/2012 19:10

And a practising Christian couldn't possibly be naive Hmm.

OP posts:
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