aibu to not want to pay towards dss wedding

[illcryifiwantto]

trying not to drip feed and have changed name for this
dss & fiancé are planning a big wedding (2 years time ) they both work full time and have reasonable jobs no kids no debts ect and have just moved into there first rented flat
dss fiance wants a big white wedding and has been to wedding fayres

and recently told dh that the sit down meal that they were thinking of having was approx 5k (we thought this was for the actual wedding but its not its for just the meal) they have no savings either

dss has said that they would like us to contribute and for dss mum& husband to contribute and her parents would and so would they

am i being the wicked stepmother to say no and fuck off and if they want a big white wedding to pay for it themselves we are talking probably in the region of 15-20 k i have only met fiancé maybe 3 times

they are hinting for around 3000pounds from dh & i and the others but it would probably go up nearer the time i expect as weddings normally do

we dh & i have a fair amount of savings, and we are i admit lucky however we have always kept our money separate and i have a considerable amount more than dh as i have had 3 polices pay out recently which i had payed into for 10 years and this as well plus i am a big saver and always have been

moneywise this has never been a problem before as we both work full time have no debts as such and no mortgage either and just pay the bills and then our money is ours so its never been an issue

aibu not to want to contribute to this it would be 1500 each from me and dh its not that we /i can't afford just that i don't want to feel pushed into something that i don't agree with i don't even think dh wants to pay towards it either as he just laughed when it was mentioned i have no idea what dss mum is thinking either but i doubt that she would want to pay either

but i know that weddings can do strange things to people

just to say i have always got on with dss and although have not been a traditional sm never had any of the issues that some sm seem to have with skids

If you're not happy say no. But I think if i had it my DCs or DSCs would be welcome to it.

After all that's what it's for right? Maybe i'm wrong.

Say no. You do'nt want to, so don't. If your DH wants to give them some money, let him, it's nothing to do with you. If you want to later buy them a wedding gift, that's fine.

If your DH goes there every week, there's a possibility that he's hinted already that he might give something which has lead to this request...

wouldnt they be better off using that amount of money to put down on a deposit to buy their own home?
surely thats way way more important than a very expensive wedding.

£5k for a sit down meal sounds normalish-say 100 guests and £50 a head-coz as soon as you mention wedding a 3 course meal that would normally be £25/30 doubles

to a certain extent i do think they are cheeky by asking for an amount rather then saying would you mind contributing to our wedding

but ive always said dont ask dont get :)

i get the feeling that you dont want to pay towards this as your dss rather then ds, but if been married and together with dh for 14years then surely even though you dont see much of him (your choice) he is still part of your family

would you happily stump up £3k ifyour gay son did get married/have civil ceronmeny??

fwiw, i totally understand having separate account, dh when alive and i did as well, we had a joint account for bills/mortgage etc but also out own = im also a saver and if i want to spend £50 on shoes then fine, just if dh wanted to spend £50 on cigars so literally up in smoke fine - it was our own money

i have friends who have joint accounts and then oh moan if friend goes out and spend money on something she wants, but fine for him to smoke/go to pub/play golf etc

as dss and finance have no debts or kids and both have jobs and take home a decent amount each month and wedding isnt for 2 years then i say they need to learn to save towards it

whoops posted too soon

is it the fact that you and dh and dss mum and partner are paying double that of finance's parents where obviously the brides parents are meant to traditionally pay for it all lol

ie, would you be happy to give £750 of your savings, and dh do the same so that between you and dss mum you all pay £3k like finance's parents

I think its very cheeky for them to assume that anyone but themselves are responsible for paying for their wedding.

I have not read this whole thread, so apologies for any repeat. You said that if dss parents were still together, they would be asked to contribute £3,000 (the same as fiancee's parents) and that it isn't right they are being asked for twice as much as her parents, just because they are not together.

In the light of this, perhaps your dh should discuss with his ex wife the idea of contributing £1500 each, so it matches the other parent's contribution.

I'd have been really happy if my parents could have afforded to contribute that amount to my wedding - my whole wedding came in at around that figure.

It doesn't matter how much money you have - it's your money and it's bloody cheeky for some girl you've met 3 times to try and decide how you spend it.

Why don't you operate as a couple here and your dh just say 'we' will give you £1500 towards your wedding, or more if he wants to. i do't understand why you need to separate the gift. Do you normally discuss your finances with your dss?

BTW - £15-20k doesn't give you a celeb style wedding, it's about what we spend 4 years ago with 73 people at our wedding, it was hardly the poshest wedding I'd been too, it made me realise looking back that several friends who I'd thought at the time had spent £20k had probably spent closer to £40k... You will of course find a load of people who will say they spent £50 and that's it, and you will find people who say "it's just a party" but it's not 'just a party' you can throw a party any old time, this is a wedding day, the most important day of your life.

I don't agree with asking for a set amount from parents, but for us, it was more important to get it right than to skimp so that we could put a bit more money towards buying a house, you can buy a house any time, you can just put back buying it 12 months and long term it doesn't really matter, but you just get one go at getting married (well, some people do it more than once, but still most people only do it the once).

I think it's down to your DH and his ex to give the 'grooms parents' contribution, you should then buy them a gift from you.

There are a lot of people whose parents still traditionally pay for the wedding. Mine did about 20k which I know is definitely average around here. However, my parents could afford it and they offered. They also had/have enough to educate us and set us up in a home. Yes, we're extremely lucky bit I just wanted to point out to some posters that it's not as unusual as this thread has made out.

However, in ops situation I wouldn't have for a penny - how incredibly rude. If you haven't offered then they have the wedding they can afford. Tbh, if stepson can't afford £500 for a flat deposit it's not Shaping up that's he's financially stable.

oldbag

I'm not suggesting she give £1500 to a stranger, this is for her SCs wedding. So yes, I think she sounds like a dick. That is my opinion. If i had 50k then I would not think twice about contributing to my Cs or SCs wedding.

Judging by most of this thread i am in the minority which TBH I find troubling.

What is the point in saving money if not to help your family enjoy life and give them the best that you can afford and it appears that she can afford £1500.

Others are also contributing as are the B&G.

OTOH if she really doesn't want to, say no. But I would and I think most people I know would. But maybe that's why I don't have 50k in savings and OP does!

Has your husband actually asked you for a contribution, or has he assumed that the £3k request was to him? I would play dumb, and ask him if he's ok with them asking him for £3k, assume that you won't be being asked iyswim.

It's quite simple as far as I can see.

What kind of wedding they want, in fact how they want to live their lives at all is their business and no one else's, and if they want an expensive wedding, the fact that someone else's wedding cost £6.99 is neither here nor there. They are free to live their lives as they wish. It goes without saying if they want to have a big wedding though, they have to pay for it. Same as for anything else. Any freely offered contributions should be gratefully and graciously accepted, if they wish to accept them.

However It is entirely up to you if you wish to contribute. If you don't want to, don't. They should not ask, and if they do, be honest with your reply. Or just say no, you don't have to give a reason.

Yanbu. They both work full time so they should have the type of wedding they can fund.
However you could decide what you personally would spend on a gift if you were going to get one and perhaps give them that amount.
What dh does is up to dh

Oh and for what it's worth I think it's grabby and shameful for them to have asked

YANBU!! If they're only 22/23 they could save up for a few years for the type of wedding they want. Why do they need to get married now?

If you'd like to contribute something, fine.

Maybe I'm just an old cow, but the expectation that other's will fund your wedding is outdated & greedy.

Sorry just a thought and I haven't read the whole thread so forgive me if it's allready been said,
the tradition that has become greatly outdated and has been for some time is that the BRIDES family fund everything apart from the buttonholes/grooms suit (those being the grooms responsability) however that tradition also ment that the brides family mostly picked the budget the venue the menus infact everything apart from the wedding dress,
the brides parents had priority on things like what colours were worn by the grooms mum and hats ect I.e if b's mums wanted to wear purple then g's mum couldn't.
It was also normal for both parties to still be at respective parents houses.
Things are very different now and for very good reason, if you expect someone else to fund it then they get to choose how much it costs

Is it really outdated for parents to pay towards their children's weddings? I had no idea. If it is a second marriage I would understand. But I have friends who are putting money aside for their dd's possible future weddings. I would never expect my dc's to fully fund their weddings, I am their parent and would expect to pay towards it. I think it is really strange not to unless you are not in a position financially.

Smoggii what is the point in saving money if not to help your family enjoy life?

Oh, I don't know - as a safeguard against sickness or redundancy? As a retirement fund? To put towards renovating the house, or replacing worn furniture or a holiday or to pay for a private hip replacement because the waiting list for the NHS is several years?

There are lots of reasons why the OP may have saved that money and why she is completely within reason not to spend it on her stepson. In the same way she doesn't expect any financial contribution from her husband towards her biological son.

I think it's totally unfair that the bride's parents should pay 50% less than the groom's parents simply because they are still together. I also think it's beyond rude to tell someone you are expecting them to contribute towards a wedding and then mention a figure.

I don't expect my parents or in laws to contribute to my lifestyle - if I want something I have to work and save for it. If your stepson and his fiancée want a particular wedding, they will have to do the same. £3000 a month take home between them with no debt? In 2 years they should be able to afford whatever they have their hearts set on, sounds like they need a quick lesson in budgeting.

i will update you all tomorrow as dss & fiancé is going to yet another wedding exhibition so i may know more

to the poster that asked would i pay towards my sons wedding yes i probably would but i wouldn't be expecting dh or dhs ex wife ect to contribute towards its he is my son so if i was asked to contribute i would within reason

its that total expectation that is pissing off and the more i read about what people on here are saying the more i realise that I'm
not being totally unreasonable in the way i feel
did laugh at the person who mentioned my savings could be for a hip op I'm 38 years old so hopefully my hips will last a bit longer

smoggii i don't know yet if others are contributing they are being asked i know that the fiancé mother is planning to but not sure about dss mum and sd

and yes i totally agree money is for making life easier that why i gave them money toward the deposit on there flat as neither dh or i wanted them to get in debt for it no one else did that or even offered

i really wouldn't mind if i thought that they were going to save some money but having known dss for the best part of 15 years he can just about manage to save 300 quid and then he can't resist spending it which is nothing to do with me how he spends or saves his money but it is when they /she wants my money to pay for there wedding

its also a case of i think that it won't just be 3k it will be more than that by the end of it
dh has another child and so do i so we have to think of them as well when we are thinking of giving money

we could just give them say 1k each child but the sort of wedding it seem like they are planning 1k wouldn't even pay for the Vicar so its a waste of money if you see what i mean because it won't really make a difference

I might enter them for one of those bridezilla programs I'm sure they would win it

My dad contributed to my wedding - not least because he has a huge family and wanted me to invite them all.

However I'd never expect my stepmom to contribute a penny. My dad and his partner keep their finances separate as well. The money 100% came from my dad. But I'd certainly have resented it if she had interfered or said anything.

So I think your policy of neutral detachment is the right one!

I can't imagine I'll contribute to any of my kids' weddings. It all seems a bit archaic. I'm all for helping family to enjoy life, if I'm particularly flush. Enjoy LIFE, that is not just spring a few grand for ONE day.

I am at some of the replies that think it's ok, and that op should contribute, because bride/groomzilla demand it. It is bloody cheeky for two grown up people with good jobs to ask parents or anyone to contribute to their wedding, and to state how much!!!!! Like another poster has said they want a lavish wedding at others expense. Of course some parents do contribute, I am sure I would when the time comes, but the decision to and the amou t we contribute should come from dh and I, not the dc