aibu to not want to pay towards dss wedding

[illcryifiwantto]

trying not to drip feed and have changed name for this
dss & fiancé are planning a big wedding (2 years time ) they both work full time and have reasonable jobs no kids no debts ect and have just moved into there first rented flat
dss fiance wants a big white wedding and has been to wedding fayres

and recently told dh that the sit down meal that they were thinking of having was approx 5k (we thought this was for the actual wedding but its not its for just the meal) they have no savings either

dss has said that they would like us to contribute and for dss mum& husband to contribute and her parents would and so would they

am i being the wicked stepmother to say no and fuck off and if they want a big white wedding to pay for it themselves we are talking probably in the region of 15-20 k i have only met fiancé maybe 3 times

they are hinting for around 3000pounds from dh & i and the others but it would probably go up nearer the time i expect as weddings normally do

we dh & i have a fair amount of savings, and we are i admit lucky however we have always kept our money separate and i have a considerable amount more than dh as i have had 3 polices pay out recently which i had payed into for 10 years and this as well plus i am a big saver and always have been

moneywise this has never been a problem before as we both work full time have no debts as such and no mortgage either and just pay the bills and then our money is ours so its never been an issue

aibu not to want to contribute to this it would be 1500 each from me and dh its not that we /i can't afford just that i don't want to feel pushed into something that i don't agree with i don't even think dh wants to pay towards it either as he just laughed when it was mentioned i have no idea what dss mum is thinking either but i doubt that she would want to pay either

but i know that weddings can do strange things to people

just to say i have always got on with dss and although have not been a traditional sm never had any of the issues that some sm seem to have with skids

it's 3% of the OPs Savings not all of it.

Yes there are plenty of reasons to save your money and maybe my attitude to money is wrong but I work to earn to enjoy my life (hopefully the various insurances i pay for will sort out the other stuff ) and wouldn't hesitate to give what I could afford to make my child happy.

This is the OPs Step child and that is clearly relevant as she said she would be happy to pay for her own childs wedding - no mention of this being restricted if he wanted to marry a Diva who she'd only met 3 times.

Ultimately if you don't want to pay have the balls to say so but be honest about the reasons. It's not because you can't afford to, it's not because you've only met 'D'SSs fiance a few times and you think she's a Diva, it's because you don't think you should have to because their wedding is not your responsibility as he's not your child.

To return to the original question, I don't think youi are being unreasonable not to want to contribute. Whether you do or not is another question. But there are many reasons why it would be a bad idea.

smoggii Am saying this, though you already said it yourself, but yes, perhaps your attitude towards money contributes to the fact that you don't have a lot of savings.

Some people are savers. I am. This is a result of my mother's overspending for most of our lives. She had a great IT job, very good income, but lived beyond her means and eventually had to declare bankruptcy in order to get her finances back in order.

Just because the OP has managed to save 50k instead of spend it does not mean that she should hand out 3k for a party when it's demanded of her. She obviously cares for her DSS; she's said she's helped in other ways. But a wedding is something different. I'm definitely in the camp that you should have the wedding you can afford. For the average person, a 15k wedding is quite expensive. If they can't afford this right now, and a 15k wedding is what they are dead set on having, then they should postpone the wedding until they have saved up a bit more.

And tbh I'm more than a bit that he's essentially using the fact that his parents are separated to get twice the money from his side of the family.

That having been said, I would be inclined to chip in something for the wedding. It's what you do for family. However, I imagine it's very irritating to be handed a figure like that. :(

But do you - even as family - hand over money just because someone wants it? People seem to think the fact that it's for a wedding makes it acceptable. Best day of their life etc. What if they wanted £8k for a car? Or £2k for a holiday? Or any of the many things that people want? There was a thread on here recently about weddings = best day of life and it was clear that for many people it just wasn't. Too many expectations, too stressful, too much money. Any woman going to a bridal fair two years before her wedding is going to find plenty ways to spend money. Only it's other people's money,

I think all of the parents/step parents involved should just say repeatedly, "But how are you going to pay for that?"

Each one of us girls (there are 3 of us) my parents are paying for the dress which is around £500 in most of the cases. The rest we are paying for and at least me and one of my sisters agree completely that's how it should be. I wouldn't dream of them paying for anything else. If they fancied buying something extra that's up to them but I'd sure as hell not ask for it, nor expect it. My Mum's daughter is my Dad's DSD and he paid for it, as he sees her as one of his own, really.

So if they wanted you to pay for something specific such as the flowers, I think that's more understandable. But to fork out £3000-£5000 is just a bit ridiculous, especially for the MEAL alone. I mean what the---?

I expect my wedding will cost that much altogether, not just for the meal. I mean bloomin' ell.

I hope you find a good even balance here.

greeneggs fwiw i didn't say i don't have a lot of savings, i said i don't have 50k in savings, but i also don't believe that 50k in savings is average. I'm also not in any debt and I have various plans i put into the future so i'm by no means stupid with my money but life is for living so I would have no objection to giving that sort of money to my child (or another close family member) if I had it. But that is my way of living. I'd rather have no money and a happy family.

I think there are far too many people who are driven by how much they (and everyone else) has. I read it on these boards all the time and i think it's sad. But once again it is just my opinion.

YANBU.
I think it is awful that some people plan such an extravagant wedding and then have the cheek to expect others to fund it.
We had a small wedding as we had to pay for it ourselves.
If your dp wants to pay then fair enough. Fair enough too if you don't. Do whatever you feel is right.

On a side note I have been invited, initially without my children or dh, youngest 10, to the evening part of a wedding. It has been made clear that I should not attend the service part. Without any prompting the bride has said that she does not want gifts or vouchers but money to fund her luxury honeymoon.
Well seeing as though we cannot afford a family holiday I certainly won't be handing over any cash. Ends rant and thread highjack.

Ooh, I was the sort of very rude person who asked a parent if they would pay for my wedding. My dad said yes because he became my wedding planner too & thoroughly enjoyed it (hopeless romantic who has done weddings before).

But must admit I was asking because if we paid for it, would have been a far more casual cheapo affair. And dad knew that. So he was getting the wedding he wanted his DD to have. We didn't plan everything & then ask for the money.

Still think OP is being a bit mean.

Parents shouldn't have to pay for their kids weddings.

Op is not being mean. Why should she give money just because it's asked for, it should come from op and her dh

I think if the fiancee posted on here about they'd hinted/asked about funding, she would be told to save up. And if she grumbled that parents/stepparents were being mean, she'd be told it straight.

No way should OP be expected to pay up irrespective of her savings balance.

If you are offered a contribution all well and good and nothing wrong with hoping one will be forthcoming if you know someone is ok for money.

To ask though and even specify a sum ? No way.

Smogglii - I think you are being a bit unfair to the OP even though a lot of what you write resonates with me.

The OP has clearly already been thoughtful and generous to her DSS with time and money so I don't think it is anything like as simple as just not wanting to pay for a DSS when she would be happy to pay for her DS.

In the OP's shoes (and from her posts I think the OP feels this too) I would feel that my chance to be generous and contribute had in fact been taken away from me because the DSS and fiancé had preempted any offer with a request - and not even an open request of "do you think you could help us at all?" but a carefully worked out division of costs between all the assorted adults they thought they could lean on.

And although I am not sure how much of a factor this is for the OP - I know in my case I would find it very hard to think, oh yes, 3% of my savings is just fine when the couple themselves have shown no financial maturity of their own in their personal saving and spending patterns.

I'd love to feel that my generous spirit would overcome everything but it wouldn't. I wouldn't want to donate even 0.1% of my savings to a wedding when the happy couple were in a good position to start saving and paying deposits but were (a) not saving anything yet and (b) going on exotic holidays this year. I would not feel generous and appreciated and part of the family but just that I had been given a prime chance to be taken advantage of.

Really, this seems a very good example not so much of what is being asked for - because lots of parents contribute to weddings even if it is perhaps not as all pervasive as it was 30 years go - but how it is being asked for ("not what you do but the way that you do it").

bumping out of interest!

Smoggli - I think your view that the op should hand over her savings - despite the fact she made a conscious decision to save and her Dh made a conscious decision not to - is ridiculous.

The op and Dh have kept their finances separate precisely because of their different attitudes to money.

smoggii

I'm assuming that you havnt read the whole thread as i actually mentioned ages ago that i actually saved for 10 years into a plan that has just paid out for my son it was 25 a month i had three policies running (not all for my son )

dh had the opportunity to do the same at the same time as me for his boys but he didn't want to so although he has savings of his own he didn't give /save anything for his boys like i did

The money that i had been saving has just payed out recently, one of the policies was for my son, for either a deposit on a flat a car or uni or wedding if necessary

it paid out on my ds 18th birthday and ds and i discussed what he wanted to do with it and I'm holding on to it for him until

1 he either pass his test and want to put it towards a car
2 its to go towards a deposit for a flat ( but unlikely as he would still need a lot more to go with it )
3 for wedding ect later on should he want this

its just a case of whatever comes first and what he wishes to spend it on

and if you read any of my post you would see that my ds is gay so he won't be marrying in the traditional big white wedding way costing 15k , but if he did i wouldn't be paying 6k or 3k for it and i wouldn't be asking dh to contribute financially towards it either as i don't think he should have to

its not about dss not being my son and maybe i am a tight ass with my money but as other have said its my money and i prefer to spend it on things that i will get pleasure from i like to think that I'm pretty generous to my friends and family i am taking my sisters two young children on holiday in august for 2 weeks, as ds always struggle for baby-sitters in the school holidays
Maybe i shouldn't do that and use the money for the holiday to pay for dss wedding in three years time

HawthornLantern

Thats its as well you mentioned that any opportunity for me to be generous and help out has gone for me because its expected that dh and most likely me will pay this 3k

AdventuresWithVoles
your not being rude by asking your parents to contribute or pay to your wedding because your dad was involved and became your wedding planner ( which i think is cool, a male wedding planner ) your dad was involved in where is money was going to spent ( I'm assuming ) and probably got great pleasure from organising your wedding for you

i actually feel its a case of hand over the cash - as they will want to put deposits on hotels and stuff with no say /imput from us just give us the money ( not that i want to have a imput on their wedding) however i feel that any bit of pleasure that i would have gotten from giving them something nice and thoughtful and it would have probably been money at the end is now taken away from me and no doubt they would still expect a decent present anyway

I maintain that OP should ignore the request and give them what she would have given them anyway, nothing more, nothing less. A deposit for renting a flat sounds pretty generous and I'm surprised they're after more from you.

ive actually been dwelling on this loads and loads and tbh the more i think about it the angrer im getting for the op,
i have money invested for anything i wish to use it for, its my money and if any adult member of my family has an expectation that it could be concidered to be theres to use then there compleatly mistaken.
i am genrious to a fault and would give my last penny if it was needed but nobody should just expect me to.

if i decide to contribute or offer any money thats totally my choice if i decide to give a cash gift then its my choice if i want to give £5 or 100k and nobody at all should automaticly expect me to give any gift.

when you become an adult and live inderpendantly under your own steam then part and parcel of being an adult is you fecking well act like one that includes not expecting to be treated like a child and have your treats automaticly funded.

if one of my adult children wanted a wedding costing say 2 million pounds then asked me for the cash i would think cheeky rude bugger if they asked me to loan it to them i probally would providing they had the ability to pay it back i wouldnt think they were rude and chances are i would also decide to write in there wedding card "please wipe loan from your memory,you owe me nothing please concider it to be a gift" the point being it would be my total choice.

if i choose to offer them a set ammount decided by me towards the cost of there wedding then that would also be totally my choice.

but to actually start planning things with no ability to fund it and only afterwards think oh i know i will ask mum would say to me that they are compleatly rude grabby and far to childish to even be getting married in the first place.
its very different if you have allways been told whilst growing up that your parents were planning for your wedding and wanted to deal with it but even then if you know parents have set a budget for any ammount be it £500 or 50 million pounds then you either work with in that budget or if you go over it you fund the overspend,its also different if when you announce your engaged parents say 'how lovely we would like to give you xyz towards the cost' but to actually expect it and specify an ammount if you havent been told this is disgusting.
even more so that the op is a step mother with sepperate fianances.

if a couple have joint money then funding anything for all children is a totally joint thing what goes for one kid should be the same for them all but if money is sepperate and each fund there own children then why the feck should a step parent be told to fund anything for a stepchild just because the actuall parent couldnt be arsed to save up enough themselves.

Rude for the bride and groom to ask. More rude to expect double the money from the grooms side as the brides side, just because her parents are still married.
If your Dh and his exW want to contribute it should only be the same amount at the brides parents, so $1,500 from each parent, not $3,000 form each couple.

ZillionChocolate i think they expect /want money because
1 i am as a rule pretty generous and easy going with money although it might not seem like it from what i have posted

2 dh and i have several expensive dogs that we do ( i will admit) spend a small fortune on each month but they are our hobby as well as pets and we were thinking of getting another dog as our old one died a few months ago the dogs are in the region of 1 - 1500 So i guess they think that if we /i can spend money on a dog we can give them money for the wedding ( But a dogs for life and not just for one day - lol )

(i expect the next thing that fiancé will mention is that we should sell our dogs or not get another one in fact i wish she would cos then dh would tell her fuck off to the far side not much comes between dh and his dogs )