aibu to not want to pay towards dss wedding

[illcryifiwantto]

trying not to drip feed and have changed name for this
dss & fiancé are planning a big wedding (2 years time ) they both work full time and have reasonable jobs no kids no debts ect and have just moved into there first rented flat
dss fiance wants a big white wedding and has been to wedding fayres

and recently told dh that the sit down meal that they were thinking of having was approx 5k (we thought this was for the actual wedding but its not its for just the meal) they have no savings either

dss has said that they would like us to contribute and for dss mum& husband to contribute and her parents would and so would they

am i being the wicked stepmother to say no and fuck off and if they want a big white wedding to pay for it themselves we are talking probably in the region of 15-20 k i have only met fiancé maybe 3 times

they are hinting for around 3000pounds from dh & i and the others but it would probably go up nearer the time i expect as weddings normally do

we dh & i have a fair amount of savings, and we are i admit lucky however we have always kept our money separate and i have a considerable amount more than dh as i have had 3 polices pay out recently which i had payed into for 10 years and this as well plus i am a big saver and always have been

moneywise this has never been a problem before as we both work full time have no debts as such and no mortgage either and just pay the bills and then our money is ours so its never been an issue

aibu not to want to contribute to this it would be 1500 each from me and dh its not that we /i can't afford just that i don't want to feel pushed into something that i don't agree with i don't even think dh wants to pay towards it either as he just laughed when it was mentioned i have no idea what dss mum is thinking either but i doubt that she would want to pay either

but i know that weddings can do strange things to people

just to say i have always got on with dss and although have not been a traditional sm never had any of the issues that some sm seem to have with skids

I think it's pretty fucking cheeky of them to assume that others will fund their wedding tbh, regardless of whether you can afford to give them the money or not. My parents are well off but it didn't cross my mind for one minute to ask them to pay for my wedding. As it happens my lovely dad insisted on paying for most of it, but in any case we couldn't afford a lavish wedding so we planned a budget wedding.

I think planning a 15k wedding and expecting family members to fund it is beyond cheeky and on principle I wouldn't give them a penny!

Most of my friends' parents contributed to if not paid for their weddings. My parents' and in laws' weddings were both paid by parents. Most wedding stationary etc on sale still has a wording option suggesting that the wedding is hosted by the bride's parents so I think it still the norm for parents to be expected to at least offer something.

Mine didn't offer me any cash and I would never have asked them but know I will definitely be offering my sons help with their wedding/car/house purely because like yourselves, we can afford it and it's nice to help your children.

Has your husband previously (perhaps years ago) given some intimation to dss that he would help with costs? He still seems happy to contribute so if you don't want to, just bow out as gracefully as you can and let him get on with it.

My parents sat me and DH down when we were planning our wedding and wrote us a check for £2k, that was towards the wedding. That was it, no more. Very very generous and at 1st I would not accept it, but they were adamant.

Then after we were married. My parents gave us the choice of

£3K in a 5 year ISA in our names
£3K now with massive hints that we should buy something substantial with it.

We took the ISA and we just keep reinvesting it.

So.....I would sit them both down and tell them what you are going to give them. Don't feel bullied into doing what they ask. Just be honest and upfront.

*I will give you £500 towards the wedding, to spend as you wish
*I will give you £k?? after the wedding to help you get started in your married life.

Didn't realise his your stepson, sorry.
Well I suppose that changes things a bit then, especially as you have your finances separate from your DH.
I suppose it'd make more sense if your DH contributed the 3k to the wedding and you gave him money post wedding as a gift.
I also understand what you mean about being annoyed about been asked. My DM recently phones to say she wants to give my father an Ipas for his promotion at work (a big one to be fair) and she said me and my DB and DSis could all chip in with £100
Each. Had she not prescriptively set the amount I would have said yes.

Very difficult in a step fanily situation I think.

My husband and I got married when our boys (from previous relationships) were 7 and 9. We decided early on that we would set up savings accounts for them that would mature on their 18th birthday so that they have something to put down as a deposit on a rental, or buy a car, or something along those lines. We have subsequently had a baby of our own and she also has a savings account set up for her. All stand to get approximately the same amount of money. They will all be told that the money they get from their savings is all they will get from us financially.

*family

Fine for you to offer, fine for them to ask to you are planning to contribute, not fine for them to ask for X amount.

I don't agree that it is none of your business though. He is part of your family, so part of your role is to support him, and that does include a financial aspect. Not suggesting you are responsible for his spending, or that you should just hand over money, but family stick together and work things out together.

Considering how many first marriages end in divorce, I would be loathe to fork out thousands on a lavish wedding, only to be watching it fall apart in a few years time.

I have friends who were still paying off the wedding on their credit cards long after the divorce was final.

"You are giving a wedding gift to your dh's child.
It doesn't matter how they use it, on a white wedding, on pizzas and ballons, on purple wedding dress, on lime green car...Its their wedding. "

She can still give a wedding gift though! A Dartington Crystal vase, perhaps, but not necessarily thousands of pounds!

I think the dss is milking the op. Brides family will pay one lump sum, and then grooms mum, dad and step mum are expected to for out another lump sum each! Cheeky.

My mil is still paying off debts (actually we are, paying her so she can pay off debts) she incurred for bils lavish white wedding. Beautiful affair with horse drawn carriages, in a gorgeous venue. The marriage lasted 2/3 years. 10 years down the line, it has still not been paid off.

Big white lavish weddings for people barely out of their teens should be against the law.

Maybe I am unusual, but my dp's paid for my wedding, and they also paid for my db's wedding as his il's were not in a position to contribute anything. My db did have a much smaller wedding than me though. Most of my friends' parents also paid for their weddings. When my dc's get married I will offer to contribute a decent sum towards their wedding. Is this not normal to do anymore? I would not think it is going to the bank if mum and dad for your parents to contribute towards your wedding.

Illcry, it seems you resent the demand for money, not the actual gift of money.

I can understand that having been broke yourself, and having pulled yourself out of the mire, to your current, comfortable position, that being asked to fund someone's luxuries out of your hard earned savings seems a bit rude.

Why don't you give them whatever gift you would have given them, now, to spend as they wish?

Sure, you would rather they spent it on a house or other investment. But they may choose to spend it on their wedding, and that's fine as well.

Fwiw, I think it's rude of them to demand the money from you. And I don't see why anyone would want a big, vulgar wedding that they can't afford. But that's just my opinion.

My parents and PIL both contributed to my wedding. I didn't ask either of them. They both wanted to. or just assumed it was expected I kind of always thought if parents had the money to do this it is the norm. I don't think it is normal for parents to cough the lot up these days, nor should someone else paying for certain bits mean you don't cut your cloth. But if you can afford it does seems a little unreasonable. In our case I think PIL's contributed because we were keeping it so thrifty they were a bit . Setting an amount to ask for seems a bit much though. both lots of parents offered to take care of something and we then didn't take the piss ok maybe the dress did take the piss a bit, poor Dad nearly passed out at the bill if you can afford it and DH wants to, offer what you want and leave it at that. I know very few parents who haven't wanted to contribute at all. Its all about making sure you are happy with the amount and don't feel pressurised.

If they couldn't save for a rental deposit ..... How will they save for a wedding ... especially if they're going on a holiday... ?? They don't sound very mature tbh. Sounds IMO as if they've been seduced by wedding industry. I had a lavish wedding... But saved up for said wedding. Parents bought expensive gifts yes. But they were not asked for a penny.

On balance I would suggest DH & his ex sit down with their son & figure out what they want in life - wedding/flat etc... & point out the value of savings. And how to save. Work out vow much they can afford to spend on a wedding... This has to come from them. Add £1k per set of parents - for example - as a wedding gift. You could always buy them a washing machine or other useful present.

This request for contribution comes down to a lack of financial savvy-ness that DS & fiancée appear to have... You're really good at saving so maybe they need a few (tactful) lessons from
You?!

i like nilbynames suggestion
£500 towards the wedding (or whatever) and then offer to pay directly for furniture/white goods to the value of X. (so they don't use any of your wedding gift money after the wedding to pay debt incurred for the wedding knowing that they will receive cash after). That would be a compromise.

Alternatively you could offer to match any of their own savings up to the value of x. That would encourage them to save.

It is a lot of money to ask for and goes beyond the realms of what a person should expect to recieve but if your dh can afford it then yes, if he is going to be out of pocket by spending then no.
Where i come from everyone pays for their own wedding, and they just get normal gifts that you would expect to recieve.
It all depends on your finances and whether you can afford it, it is a lot to ask just for dinners!
I don't believe in expensive lavish weddings as it is supposed to be a day for committing your love for each other-not showing off with an unaffordable event.

Basically if dh is WELL OFF, then YES i cant see why not
IF NOT, then a simple gift will do
The final decision should lie with your dh

Pandemoniaa Sat 07-Jul-12 14:15:16
Your financial arrangements sound impressively businesslike, OP. I do wonder if there's much room in there for emotional involvement though.

Im not really sure what you mean by this i have always made my financial arrangement in a business like way why would i base money on emotions

I've just shown DH this thread and asked if he would pay £1500 if my son (his SS) decided to get married and asked us for a contribution.

His reply, "I'd gladly pay for it all if I had the money, but I know DS would never ask... that's why I enjoy treating him so much".

The thing is, they've spoiled it now, haven't they? You could have got them a lovely present - a new tv or a sofa or a bed - and you would have taken pleasure in going with them to choose it.

But now, by demanding money, they have changed the whole nature of the gift.

Really, when they said they were getting married, they should have said nothing about money, just that they were planning to get married. Then your husband and his ex should have got together and agreed to a figure they could each realistically afford, and that should have come from them as parents.

You would then have had the choice to say, "Oh well I'll pay X towards a honeymoon" or "I'll buy carpets up to £X" etc. That would have been seen as a generous gift, not an obligation.

I'm really angry on your behalf, OP!

ImperialBlether
i think you have nailed it i am pretty generous to my family and friends but i don't like feeling bullied or that its expected from me

surprised at the different response on here though

You have 50k in savings and begrudge your 'd'ss £1500?

You sound like a right dick!

Just seen the wedding is in two years. They've got plenty of time to save up.

I would give the 1500 and say that's it. No more. If they choose to spend it on wedding that's up to them but that is their wedding present.

smoggy yes thats correct - its not that i begrudge them 1500 its being ambushed and being expected to give it when they can't even save enough money for the rental on there flat they both have good jobs and no debt
i gave them 500 towards their flat as a gift and i have always been generous to both dss as and when i have been able to

if you have read the whole thread then you might see that they are hoping to get 3k from dh and i 3k from dss mother & partner and 3k from dss fiancé parents so the dss parent are paying double what the fiancés parents are just because they are divorced

personally i don't think thats a fair percentage and dh hasn't asked me for any money yet but i feel it coming

I think you're right not to want to pay that much. Cheeky of them to ask too. The wedding is one day, the marriage hopefully is for life. Better any money is used to set them up financially for a house deposit in my opinion but the fiance obviously wants a big do with all the trimmings - the only problem is it's at everyone else's expense. I'd bring the subject up with your DH, saying you don't think the split of money is fair - two-thirds DSS's parents and step parents and one-third her parents and then say you're reluctant to pay half as you feel the joy of giving a present has been taken away and that you'd rather contribute to something else like a fridge or something practical (if you feel like it). As squeakytoy said above, too many young marriages don't make it. To spend that money on it to see them split a couple of years down the line, well I wouldn't be happy. Sorry to be cynical. Stick to your guns.