aibu to not want to pay towards dss wedding

[illcryifiwantto]

trying not to drip feed and have changed name for this
dss & fiancé are planning a big wedding (2 years time ) they both work full time and have reasonable jobs no kids no debts ect and have just moved into there first rented flat
dss fiance wants a big white wedding and has been to wedding fayres

and recently told dh that the sit down meal that they were thinking of having was approx 5k (we thought this was for the actual wedding but its not its for just the meal) they have no savings either

dss has said that they would like us to contribute and for dss mum& husband to contribute and her parents would and so would they

am i being the wicked stepmother to say no and fuck off and if they want a big white wedding to pay for it themselves we are talking probably in the region of 15-20 k i have only met fiancé maybe 3 times

they are hinting for around 3000pounds from dh & i and the others but it would probably go up nearer the time i expect as weddings normally do

we dh & i have a fair amount of savings, and we are i admit lucky however we have always kept our money separate and i have a considerable amount more than dh as i have had 3 polices pay out recently which i had payed into for 10 years and this as well plus i am a big saver and always have been

moneywise this has never been a problem before as we both work full time have no debts as such and no mortgage either and just pay the bills and then our money is ours so its never been an issue

aibu not to want to contribute to this it would be 1500 each from me and dh its not that we /i can't afford just that i don't want to feel pushed into something that i don't agree with i don't even think dh wants to pay towards it either as he just laughed when it was mentioned i have no idea what dss mum is thinking either but i doubt that she would want to pay either

but i know that weddings can do strange things to people

just to say i have always got on with dss and although have not been a traditional sm never had any of the issues that some sm seem to have with skids

You can't force anyone to be generous, but step-parents can be.

My stepfather (with my mum) shelled out loads of money for my overly-expensive wedding. It was given generously with no suggestion that I should be 'grateful'. My real dad was broke at the time so contributed nothing. I have two half-siblings and we've all been treated equally in money terms - my SF has always paid his share alongside my mum, they've always made joint decisions about what they will/won't pay for.

Reading this thread makes me realise how bloody lucky I've been - and I don't even get on very well with my SF!

I think if you're going to give money, then do it with a generous heart. Giving something grudgingly just spoils the gift and makes you feel resentful. Whatever the complications of the step-relationship, surely its worth investing in for the sake of your relationship with your DP?

Tuesdaygirl - will you be my new stepmum? Pwease?
I would like to renew my vows. £4K should cover it nicely. Thanks muchly big kisses

It is nice that you wanted to do that for your family, but I think the key point is the son asked, and expected the money. It seems pretty clear it should not have been assumed by the son that he would always get it.

I've got children and stepchildren. As it happens, we aren't the sort of family who assume that parents should automatically pay for weddings and my own ds2 and his fiancee are quietly saving up for their wedding and are happy to wait until they can afford the modest affair they plan to have. If and when any of my stepchildren choose to marry, they'll undoubtedly so similarly.

Having said this, I'd be very happy to contribute towards any of their weddings (I'd almost certainly ask what they might like help with) and even though dp and I keep separate bank accounts, I wouldn't begrudge a gift to my stepchildren. But I think I'd be rather surprised if any of them presented us with a demand for a percentage of the cost. That would come across as entitlement as well as suggesting that they'd failed to accept that nowadays, you really need to have the wedding that you can afford.

If your dh is happy to contribute then let him. But don't feel pressurised yourself.

Although, as you seem quite keen to stress how much you have saved and how prosperous you are as a result, I wonder if you slightly resent your dh for his failure to save as much as you and feel somewhat put upon.

TuesdaysGirl, but the OP isn't in the same situation as you. She didn't live with her step children. They want the groom's parents to pay double what the bride's parents will pay. That can't be right, can it, just because they are divorced?

I wouldnt give them the money because i think spending that much on one day is ridiculous.

I would give it to them as help towards buying a house, but not for a wedding.

I'm with Tuesdaygirl, I'd never begrudge giving a couple of £k to my DS for their wedding, and honestly if I had a DSD or DSS it wouldn't occur to me not to treat them the same. I do know some parents who are paying the full cost of their DCs weddings, that would be too much for me tbh, but paying a proportion of the cost is fine.

Of course not everyone has a few thousand to spare, but from the OP's post both she and her DH have decent savings and are mortgage free, so it wouldn't appear to be the case they can't afford it.

tuesdaygirl

thats good for you and very nice of you to be able to be that way i truly wish that i could be that nice i havnt played a big part in there life yes i know them and get on with them but they have never lived with us apart from when dh had them for holidays its not like they have been living with us for the past 14 years then i would without a doubt feel different as it is feels like I'm being asked to contribute to a distant relations expensive wedding plans

however when dh and i got together years ago we agreed that w would keep separate money and even houses mainly because neither of wanted to feel that we expected the other to support each other we are both hardworking individuals that can support ourself and children

i don't expect dh to fund my son and his luxuries ( my son wants a car when he passes his test i don't expect dh to pay for this for him ) i didn't expect dh to pay for my sons trip to south africa ds got a part time job as still at college and has paid for half and i paid half for him
dss has two parents my son only has me if you see what i mean even though dh is a great sd

that might sound strange to some but it has always been this way for me and dh and until now its never ever been a issue because i never asked dh to contribute stuff and neither did he ask me to contribute stuff towards his boys

Your financial arrangements sound impressively businesslike, OP. I do wonder if there's much room in there for emotional involvement though.

OP, it's clear that from the start you and your DH have kept separate finances and each paid your way for your own children. I don't see why that should suddenly change now. Any financial contribution to the wedding is your DH's responsibility. Since you get on well with your DSS, it might be nice for you to offer a gift or a much smaller contribution of some kind.

Is your DSS aware of the extent to which you and DH have kept your finances separate all this time?

Pandemoniaa no not at all i don't and never could resent my dh i love him to bits totally

my money has been a combination of savings a small inheritance and a big dose of luck 18 years ago i was a broke single mother living on benefits and baked beans so i know the value of money extremely well
dh is a bit of a old hippy in that he is quite laid back money isn't as important to him but he is lucky that he dose well in his work

I didn't want to drip feed and say half way through well i have xxx and dh has xxx and people have mentioned my son which is why i mentioned that i have saved separately for him

i would have much rather of given them money after they are married rather than give them it before i guess thats what pissing me off because i would have given them 1k or more after they got married

illcryifiwantto DH and I don't have the separation between my children and his children that you seem to have. We are more like thezoobmeister where DH and I make decisions about the children and try to treat them equally, without thinking too hard about what the biological links are. I see DSS as partly my responsibility even if he does have his own biological parents. DH and I also don't separate our finances like you do, we try to work as a team as that's what I think marriage is about.

JohnnyDepp now renewal of vows is something that I would find an odd luxury . I don't see the point of that when a couple is already married! But really, I don't see the problem with children expecting support from their parents. I certainly expected it from mine and it just feels natural that it's something you'd want to do for children you've cared for, DSS has always felt secure in knowing that we'll offer financial support for him so I'm sure he expected it in a sense even though we made the offer first.

I do see your point, OP. It's not so much the money, it's the way it has been presented as a demand. Which is rather silly of them given that you might well have given them a decent sum as a gift.

illcry i still don't understand. Do you want to give a smaller amount or to not give anything at all? Not a gift?

I think when step sons and daughters are part of a wider family dynamic, it is the responsibility of the BIOLOGICAL parent to give as little or as much as they wish to their own children, not fund step children.

It sounds harsh but that is the easiest way to keep things fair and simple. I would say to your dh (as you have finances seperate anyway) that you would love to help plan/be assigned to organise whatever part of the wedding, but don't feel it is appropriate to contribute towards his son's wedding.

I would state all the examples that you have above that you would not expect/and he hasn't contributed towards your sons costs cars etc.

However, if your dh has generously given or paid for things for your ds, then I may offer to pay the £1500 as it 'balances out' so to speak, but as I infer from your posts you've each supported and looked after your own children, then it shouldn't change now, especially for something, quite frankly, which is a HUGE luxury not a necessity like rent arrears, school uniform etc etc...

I did have a very mean stepmother (don't see her now, thankfully) but to the point where she begrudged giving £10 in a card and in situations like that I just never wanted anything off her as I knew it was always given reluctantly and begrudingly - it puts a sour note into things...dad was responsible for us and her, her own kids and it made things so much easier.

Anyway, that isn't the case with you, as you say you've lent them money etc and got it back, so appear reasonable and generous but as you said paying £1500 to a girl you've met 3 times.....!

x-post. So why 1k after the wedding and not before? Its just practical imo.

YABVU
It's your son's big day. What's that money going to do in your savings account? It's just going to sit there and grow at a minimal rate until it will go to your DCs anyway.
You're being very stingy IMO

The problem is not your dss or the type of wedding. I think the problem is you and your dh are very different re money and this is a big issue in a marriage.

Maybe you resent your dh (i don't blame you) but you take the resentment on dss and the wedding?

Olimpia. Want your parents to pay for your wedding do you?

I don't think you are being stingy.
I think DSS is being generous with other people's money.

Money given after the wedding helps set up a new home. Money spent on the wedding doesn't.

^AmberLeaf No i wasn't there dss fiancé mentioned it to dh when he was visiting
dh didn't say anything either way just came home and told me what was said that they were planning a big wedding and that would like parents to contribute^

Ah ok.

I think I'd focus less on how it came up as it may have been misinterpreted as it went along!

It sounds a bit like the thing that is causing you to feel uncomfortable is that you percieve your DH expects you to contribute?

Have you and DH had much conversation about it?

loveroflife thats how i feel i have always been generous to the dss given the younger one recently a 200 to go on holiday with and have often been in some case more generous than dh not always but sometimes

dh has always supported my son in the sense that he has always been there for him loved him and brought him up as his own son just not financially iyswim we just chose to keep our money separate as this has until this point always worked for us

olimpia but he isn't my son he is my stepson - do i ask his bio mum to contribute towards my sons car/holidays

i actually get the feeling that its the fiancé and not dss who really want this big white wedding and dss is going along with it

tuesdaygirl everyone marriage is different we met and married within 6months and are still together 14 years later

Laquitar i would prefer to give a gift or money once they are married - not being bullied into paying something that i don't i suppose if I'm honest really agree with as they can't really afford it or they can but it mean they would have to save a bit more

also dss fiancé just booked a holiday for them both to go Egypt in november (sorry to drip feed but just remembered this ) and it was probably one of the reason that piss me off cos if i think if you can afford to go to egypt on holiday then you don't need my money to get married

if they were saying ok well we are going to save for two years and then we plan to get married so anything you could give us then would be much appreciated i would be more happy with that but when its we want the money now so that we can put down deposits for our big day ect and we will save as we go its seems like it fine to spend other peoples money but not save there own

AmberLeaf just in passing we have spoke i have been very non committal

dh won't bullie me or anything into paying i guess it just the way that i will feel about it

I'm a bit of a chicken so I'm waiting to hear what dss mum says first as i can't believe she would agree to it as i know her well and get along with her fine and so dose dh

once she says no way i will feel much more comfortable in standing my ground i know that sound awful i need to grow a set of balls

You shouldn't do anything you don't want to and are going to feel resentful of.

Having said that, if one of my parents had remarried and I was a step-child, whilst I wouldn't expect money from my parents, I would expect them to act as a joint unit and if they were to be kind enough to gift some money, I would expect it to be from both of them and for each child (step child or not) to receive equal amounts. Surely when you marry you agree to take on each other's children as your own, No?

Also in terms of them standing on their own two feet, I totally agree that they should learn the value of money and not expect you to subsidise them. However when you are starting out, there are a lot of expenses close together - houses, cars and weddings and whilst I am saving hard to pay off my mortgage and save for my retirement, dh and I will decide at some point an amount that we will gift each child to go towards a house or wedding which would probably be in the region of what your dss are requesting as I would like to help give my children a helping and to start off.

They're too young to be getting married. And they are not savvy enough to save up a rental deposit. And now they want a £15k wedding. Ludicrous. Give them a gift and watch the nonsense unravel.