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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think if people are having a pay bar they should say so on invite?

855 replies

GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 10:40

I'm going to a wedding next week and my partner is the best man. The couple have been a bit funny with partner this year being very pedantic over what he can and can't write in his speech to the point he told them to write it for them. He's also been in trouble with the bride for getting the groom drunk on his stag night (a whole month before the wedding). They also originally didn't invite me, then invited me to evening only (I'll be travelling up there the night before with my partner so would have been twiddling thumbs in hotel till evening) until my partner asked for me to be invited properly.

I asked my partner to ask if it was a pay bar or free bar as I just had an inkling these two are having a wedding they can't really afford although there was no mention of it on the invite. The reply he got from groom was "Of course it's a pay bar we're paying for the wedding...

Either way, Do you think if guests are expected to be paying for their own drink it should be mentioned on the invite?

OP posts:

WhitesandsofLuskentyre · 06/07/2012 11:32

On this theme then, how should I word an 18th birthday invitation, where we will be providing food/venue/music, but can only afford a welcome drink? Is it ok to put "licensed bar" - would that indicate that it's not free?! DD mixes in quite well-off circles, and the 18th parties she goes to are usually marquee or "at home" affairs, where all the booze is provided. I don't want her friends thinking that's going to be the case with hers.

RubyFakeNails · 06/07/2012 11:32

YANBU, I've never been to a pay bar wedding either, but I have been to quite a few weddings and I'm as rough as anything so no mixing in high circles here.

Also the only situations where I've seen a pay bar at parties have been events involving business or when the money behind the bar has eventually run out.

I think its bizarre to invite people to a party and make them pay.

ChaoticismyLife · 06/07/2012 11:33

I have friends who got married in church and had the reception in the upstairs room of a pub. They had their daughter as bridesmaid and his son, from a previous relationship, as his best man. They also provided a buffet for the meal. There is no way they could afford to pay for everyone's drinks and the pub certainly wasn't going to let them take their own.

Quite frankly I'd rather have the invite and pay for my own drinks than not be invited because they couldn't afford to pay for my drinks.

usualsuspect · 06/07/2012 11:33

I would never expect a free bar at any function tbh.

HipHopOpotomus · 06/07/2012 11:34

I've not been to too many weddings, but I've NEVER been to a wedding with a pay bar. Only heard about them here on MN.

(Your Nan had 2 wives? WOW very progressive )

Original poster

GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 11:34

Trills.

I haven't said I don't like them. They seem like nice people.

However, their recent behaviour
ie. bombarding him with texts, voicemails and missed calls demanding he apologise for the groom getting drunk on his stag do etc
is behaviour I find quite odd because they have been bombarding him like bunnyboilers. It's got a little too much and my partner has started keeping contact to a minimal and turning his phone off to avoid them. It has become a bit of an odd and unpleasant situation. Like I said, I don't dislike them and hopefully normal service will resume post wedding.

(Partner has declared seeing as he is spending £200 on accomodation, about £60 in petrol and has to pay for hire of his own suit that we will not be getting them a present... I can't be that bad because I'm going shopping for it tomorrow whether he likes it or not)

OP posts:

ChaoticismyLife · 06/07/2012 11:37

My family seem to be in keeping with the father forks out or at least helps pay for the bill.

So what happens if you don't have a father?

cece · 06/07/2012 11:38

I must move in the wrong circles. I have never been to a wedding with a free bar! Surely that is asking for trouble; and everyone too drunk to party and passign out by 10pm?

marshmallowpies · 06/07/2012 11:38

We put money behind the bar for evening guests, and I think I did email people to let them know there would be food/drink in the evening, but it was a fixed amount of money & when it ran out, it was gone.

I've been an evening guest at weddings where I was offered not a single free drink or any food, so that can make for an expensive night, so I wanted to make sure my evening guests were offered something. But a free bar all night would not have been in our budget & I wouldn't expect this information to be on the invite.

Original poster

GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 11:39

Fair enough Catgirl.

I don't see it as rude needing to know how much I'm going to need to have for the weekend.

My partner has lost his job and we're spending £200 on accommodation, roughly £60 on petrol and OH has to pay for the hire of his suit too. Not forgetting we need to get a present. We're not flush for money but we have already committed to this wedding. We're not alcoholics but I would imagine the bar wont be cheap seeing as they have a captive audience.

OP posts:

EasilyBored · 06/07/2012 11:40

Never been to a wedding where the bar was free. Most weddings seem to be one or two drinks during the photos, then wine and sometimes champagne on the tables for dinner and speeches.

YABU.

ethelb · 06/07/2012 11:41

Im going to a wedding tomorrow and I am expecting a pay bar as I am not a guestzilla.

Also, because I once went to a friend's 18th at her parents. They had brought a company in to provide a bar in the garden then was a pay bar, and we were banned from bringing our own alcohol 'as the company didnt allow it'.

They were about the richest people I have ever met too.

So a pay bar at a wedding pales in comparison.

nailak · 06/07/2012 11:41

ive never been to a wedding where you have to pay for drinks, usually the people stock up at cash and carry....

even in a french castle, there were bottles of bicardi and spirits on table.

Original poster

GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 11:41

I wouldn't know chaotic as even though my family like wedding cake and remarry and dont represent how families should be... everyone still has their fathers about to contribute.

My grandfather passed away a few years ago, his 3rd wife contributes on his behalf at christmas, birthdays etc.

I suppose we're a giving family.

OP posts:

BonnieBumble · 06/07/2012 11:42

The bill could literally cost thousands if you provided a free bar. We provided our guests with a glass of bubbly on arrival, half a bottle of wine with the meal and a glass of bubbly for the toast. The drink ran out and we agreed with the venue that we would foot the bill for extra wine and it actually worked that people had a whole bottle of wine with their meal. We obviously know a lot of piss heads!

We then provided coffee and cake in the lull before the evening reception. At the evening do we bought all of the evening guests a drink and everyone else bought their own.

I think people would have been unreasonable if they expected us to provide them with more alcohol!

Ambersivola · 06/07/2012 11:42

It is not usual to have a free bar at a wedding reception. Just imagine the cost of a hundred or so guests getting legless at the hosts expense!

However at some receptions we have been offered a free glass of Champagne upon arrival and for the toast to the Bride and Groom during the wedding breakfast...

Original poster

GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 11:44

I do appreciate mumsnet and the honesty and sarcasm that goes along with some posts but I do wonder some times if people are just nasty for the sake of it.

EthelB "because I'm not guestzilla"

I don't think I've been one of those either.

OP posts:

LentillyFart · 06/07/2012 11:44

So are you getting them a present or not? You don't seem very sure!

Original poster

GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 11:46

Why do you think I don't seem sure?

I stated i'm going shopping for one tomorrow.

OP posts:

LentillyFart · 06/07/2012 11:48

helpyourself · 06/07/2012 11:51

OP don't go, regardless of pay bar, costs, etc. you sound so full of ill towards them- I hope I didn't have anyone at my wedding who felt like that.

Nervousfirsttimer · 06/07/2012 11:52

Hm am I alone in thinking it I more bizarre that the best man is paying for his own suit hire?! Surely That is a cost the couple should certainly pick up?

squeakytoy · 06/07/2012 11:52

I cant be the only one wondering if on another side of the country there is a bride-to-be saying to her fiance "why did you ask HIM to be best man" and a fiance scratching his head saying "i dont know love, but its a bit late to get out of it now"...

fruitysummer · 06/07/2012 11:54

Considering the norm for you Glass is a free bar, your original question is actually understandable and not unreasonable in the classic sense.

Now you know the majority of weddings are a pay bar you'll not think invites are odd that don't mention it or ask the question in future.

I've been to both free bars and pay bar events. To be honest, I'm not keen on free bars unless it's work paying and prefer to pay my own way.

The couple sound mental, you however sound lovely.

NovackNGood · 06/07/2012 11:55

glassofrose I'm with you in that I've never been to a wedding where drinks were not provided and I'd be a bit miffed if I turned up and was then expected to buy drinks to celebrate their wedding having sent the present etc and budgeted accordingly to find out on the day that they were expecting me to pay for the fiesta too.

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