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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if people are having a pay bar they should say so on invite?

855 replies

GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 10:40

I'm going to a wedding next week and my partner is the best man. The couple have been a bit funny with partner this year being very pedantic over what he can and can't write in his speech to the point he told them to write it for them. He's also been in trouble with the bride for getting the groom drunk on his stag night (a whole month before the wedding). They also originally didn't invite me, then invited me to evening only (I'll be travelling up there the night before with my partner so would have been twiddling thumbs in hotel till evening) until my partner asked for me to be invited properly.

I asked my partner to ask if it was a pay bar or free bar as I just had an inkling these two are having a wedding they can't really afford although there was no mention of it on the invite. The reply he got from groom was "Of course it's a pay bar we're paying for the wedding...

Either way, Do you think if guests are expected to be paying for their own drink it should be mentioned on the invite?

OP posts:
Original poster
GlassofRose · 09/07/2012 15:10

The more of those poems posted the more shameful I think they are.

I asked one of my closest friends what she needed or wanted. She said she had most bits but she didn't want to tell me what she had left because they were "expensive".. I eventually got it out of her and I was more than happy to buy her a video baby monitor because it's what she needed. Had she been brash and sent me a poem listing all the things she needed I would of told her she had a bloody cheek.

OP posts:
Original poster
GlassofRose · 09/07/2012 15:13

I hope you're not offended
about our lack of gift.
It's just that we thought,
paying for our drinks took the piss.

Doesn't exactly rhyme... but would do you think?

(For those who haven't read the whole thread please note this is just a bit of fun and I'm taking the mick)

OP posts:
WhosPickleisThatOnion · 09/07/2012 15:18

Thats not bad actually. I think it would be quite funny if you sent it. Imagine!

Original poster
GlassofRose · 09/07/2012 15:35

Funny in theory, wouldn't dare send it.

OP posts:
milkymocha · 09/07/2012 15:37

Loving the new poem! Brilliant Grin i'd piss myself laughing if i received that.

I think its pretty common to have a baby shower where the preggos sister/mum/best friend organises it but, with the full knowledge of Preggo and suggestions from her hense the gift list.

I love baby shopping- takes the fun out if it!
I might get my wedding hosts some personalised tea towels with my face on and a big thumbs up. Classy!

Original poster
GlassofRose · 09/07/2012 15:53

Milky

Please have a poem on those tea towels Grin

OP posts:
WhosPickleisThatOnion · 09/07/2012 17:03

Ive been trying but the only thing that I can think of to rhyme is bowels.

Now that could be interesting.

ZillionChocolate · 09/07/2012 18:51

vowels? It might take you off on a Countdown tangent.

FamiliesShareGerms · 09/07/2012 19:46

I don't mind gift lists for weddings (I'd rather get people things they need; they're not mandatory - I go off list if all that's left is a 3D tv or salad servers; and provided they have a range of items it's not really grabby, surely). I loathe baby showers on so many levels, and will only give a gift once the baby is safely delivered. A list would be beyond awful. I would have to seriously rethink my friendship with anyone who sent a poem...

MarysBeard · 09/07/2012 19:53

Wine & champagne at the table and then a pay bar is the commonest option AFAIC and I've been to 20-30 weddings in the last ten years. The odd time there has been free beer provided, but that is an exception. I have never, ever been to a wedding or any other kind of big celebration with a bar where the entire bar was free.

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 09/07/2012 20:22

I dont mind a gift list as long as its not silly and DOES NOT RHYME!

Hownoobrooncoo · 09/07/2012 20:38

Don't mind gift lists as long as they are not over the top or if they provide one if ask etc. If I'm spending say 50- 100 quid for a friend I'd prefer to get something they really want and it saves the hassle of wandering round shops looking for inspiration or worrying if they will like it.

We didn't have a Gift list as they were just becoming more common when we married and we didn't really want anything. Meant we ended up with a load of stuff we didn't like, want or need - some of it's still in mu dad's loft 15 yrs later or we gave quite a few things to charity shops. Bit of a waste really.

buttonmoon78 · 09/07/2012 20:42

They sound utterly charming. Hmm

However, I would always assume its a pay bar. If I get there and its free then happy days. Otherwise pay up.

Original poster
GlassofRose · 18/07/2012 11:40

I found out that I was right about their financial ability to pay for the wedding... they are paying for it on several credit cards and a loan!

I can see why the wouldn't want to foot the bill for people's drinks and I know this will piss many people off, but they simply shouldn't be having this big wedding!

Ah well, at least they've taught me to get me dosh ready for a pay bar from now on Wink

OP posts:
PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 18/07/2012 12:30

I know someone who put a 25k wedding on a credit card & loan, the marriage lasted less than a year and she was saddled with all that debt. Madness.

Casserole · 18/07/2012 12:32

My thoughts, for what they are worth:

  1. They are being unreasonable harassing your partner like that.
  2. They were unreasonable not inviting you to the wedding.
  3. You are being unreasonable expecting invites to specify bar type, and a bit gauche ringing them to ask. In future I'd suggest just taking cash with you for the evening. If you don't have to use it, bonus.

What I find really odd is the number of posters saying "Are you mad? If you had a free bar everyone would be pissed by 7pm / passing out on the dancefloor / shagging the statues" etc. We had a free bar at ours. People drank, and had a good time, but they didn't get slaughtered. I wouldn't dream of getting slaughtered on someone else's tab, knowing they'd already forked out for a wedding. Just cos you CAN do something doesn't mean you SHOULD.

Original poster
GlassofRose · 25/07/2012 21:10

Well, I thought normal service would resume after the wedding... it would seem the wife is just a bit mental bental.

The night before the wedding, the bride walked into the bar at the hotel where a few wedding guests were drinking. My partner and I, as well as the other wedding guests went to say Hi, she ignored my partner but happily chatted to everyone else.

The Bride happily chatted to all guests during the old meet and greet line but when it came to my partner she suddenly declared "This was only meant to take 15 minutes come on" then looked past me to the next guest.

During the speech she growled at my partner when he mentioned her name... he purely said "Brides name & Grooms name I have some advice for you in marriage..." then passed on a few nice quotes from couples followed by a joke.

After the meal Bride mingled with almost everyone on my table and then moved on ignoring myself and the usher (who noted "she's got a bit of a weird attitude that one").

The Bride didn't attend brekkie with her groom because she had "post wedding stress"... she has also deleted my partner off facebook, he realised when he went to see if any photos were up.

Clearly the fact that my partner (the best man) allowed her husband to get drunk (one whole month prior to the wedding) on his stag do is something she couldn't forgive him for. What a wedding Grin

OP posts:
SpringHeeledJack · 26/07/2012 09:46

bloody HELL!

you don't think she might have seen this thread, do you?

Original poster
GlassofRose · 26/07/2012 10:16

Nope, doubt it very much and if she had I'm pretty sure we would have got a text about it pre wedding.

She completely blanked the usher / rude to him too - no way he had upset her, he was as harmless as they come. One set of guests arrived in the evening because the invite said no children, she ignored them the whole night. Everyone invited happened to be family or friends from the distant past... clearly not a couple with good social skills.

OP posts:
PeshwariNaan · 26/07/2012 10:33

I guess pay bars are normal in the UK? In the US it's considered incredibly rude and bad form and if you're having a pay bar you need to put in on the invite...

SpringHeeledJack · 26/07/2012 10:33

ooof! what a shower

still, look at it this way- you might be a few hundred out of pocket, but you have a Terrible Wedding story. plus a How-Not-To-Do-It list

(actually I've learned something from this thread- I am now DEFINITELY having a free bar at my wedding!)

(dp says "yurss, up to a point" Grin -how can something be free "up to a point"?)

PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 26/07/2012 10:55

Well you have done your duty (over and above I'd say) and at least it's over!

They will probably have even less friends after the wedding !!

ViviPru · 26/07/2012 11:25

At least you don't have to agonise over the nicest way to extract these silly friends from your lives, they've done the hard work for you!

How did the groom behave toward your DH during and since? Do you think they will try and maintain a friendship?

Original poster
GlassofRose · 26/07/2012 11:35

Groom was friendly and sociable unlike his bride. He suggested we go up and stay with them (they live miles away). My partner didn't refuse the offer or mention how rude the bride was as it was their day. However he has said he wont be making an effort to go visit them and will only go out for a drink with groom if he happens to be back this way etc.

I doubt that the groom will initiate any contact now - bride wears the pants.

OP posts:
PicklesThePottyMouthedParrot · 26/07/2012 12:52

That's a shame, don't blame you though, I wouldn't want to go and stay!