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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if people are having a pay bar they should say so on invite?

855 replies

GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 10:40

I'm going to a wedding next week and my partner is the best man. The couple have been a bit funny with partner this year being very pedantic over what he can and can't write in his speech to the point he told them to write it for them. He's also been in trouble with the bride for getting the groom drunk on his stag night (a whole month before the wedding). They also originally didn't invite me, then invited me to evening only (I'll be travelling up there the night before with my partner so would have been twiddling thumbs in hotel till evening) until my partner asked for me to be invited properly.

I asked my partner to ask if it was a pay bar or free bar as I just had an inkling these two are having a wedding they can't really afford although there was no mention of it on the invite. The reply he got from groom was "Of course it's a pay bar we're paying for the wedding...

Either way, Do you think if guests are expected to be paying for their own drink it should be mentioned on the invite?

OP posts:
Mrsjay · 06/07/2012 11:14

I really want to go to a wedding/party with a free bar Grin

adult parties in a venue always have pay bars I thought it was the norm i

Original poster
GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 11:15

Gnocci

To be honest, they don't know my partner or myself very well.

My partner and the groom were friends growing up as teenagers and have rarely seen each other since. As couples we've met scarcely all though no negatives to our meetings.

They have me on facebook etc but really my partner and I are strangers to the bride. Quite recently my partner said the groom is not the person he remembers.

All very awkward now.

OP posts:
scrambledlegs · 06/07/2012 11:15

Paying for food is very different though. I'm assuming everyone would expect food to be provided gratis.

And all this 'I couldn't invite people I couldn't afford' malarkey ....

What if you have more friends than money? What if you have the kind of friends who value sharing your momentous events over a free drink.

Hmm. World's gawn mad.

Original poster
GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 11:16

scrambled - nope never been to a pay bar party either. Family and Friends always pop to a wholesalers and stock up on alcohol.

OP posts:
StuckInTheFensAwayFromHome · 06/07/2012 11:17

Strange scenario - best man chosen for historical reasons rather than a current strong friendship but I do think it was rude of them to not include you automatically.
As I think you have found out though the pay bar is the norm in the UK, and you are clearly fortunate that you have generous family/friends that have meant you've never come across one before.
I think it would be bad taste/poor etiquette to spell it out on a wedding invite that the bar is a pay bar, since it is the norm. The only exception I would say to this is if the venue is restricted and can only accept cash, so it should be mentioned in such a scenario.
It may just be your tone - but it does sound like you don't like this couple and there is an 'atmosphere', in that position I would make up some excuse to not attend rather than the 'forced' friendliness. If you do go, then maybe an approach is to take the moral high ground and act with good grace, even if you are inwardly pissed off with them.

Original poster
GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 11:18

I suppose some people have more friends than money, but I do think a pay bar is a result of all the phenomenal prices of things.

OP posts:
Mrsjay · 06/07/2012 11:19

oh i wouldnt pay for my meal Id go to the chippy Grin I did read on another wedding thread that the gift is supposed to represent how much the meal costs Confused

glassofrose that sounds really awkward tbh i would be glad i was just going in the evening even if i was paying for my own drink maybe you could have a glass or 2 when the wedding is on take the edge of the evening reception Wink

squeakytoy · 06/07/2012 11:20

Pay bars have been the norm all of my life in going to social functions.

GnocchiNineDoors · 06/07/2012 11:21

I think inviting you to the nighttime is appropriate. I had a "no smalltalk" rule for the daytime of my wedding - if I or dh didnt know someone well enough that we would end uo discussing The Weather, they didnt get an invite to the day. as sych we had around 30guests to the daytime.

The night time was a free for all and about 120 guests.

Why dont you just NOT go?

scrambledlegs · 06/07/2012 11:21

Glass of rose. Genuinely intrigued.

Have you never been to a party in a function room/hotel/pub? They normally don't let you BYO so open or pay bar only option.

eurochick · 06/07/2012 11:22

I'm sure I must have been to a wedding with a pay bar but I am struggling to think of one, tbh. Most of my friend's weddings and our own wedding had free bars.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 06/07/2012 11:22

Bride to be told my partner they couldn't afford to pay for everybodys meals.

Which in itself would indicate surely that it would be a pay bar.

I agree though, you should have been invited to the whole thing from the start.

lisaro · 06/07/2012 11:22

But if you're having your wedding/party in a venue they wouldn't let you take alcohol for the whole evening. And corkage for the wine with the meal is usually very expensive. So stocking up in a wholesaler isn't an option if you're having a venue.

squeakytoy · 06/07/2012 11:23

"I had a "no smalltalk" rule for the daytime of my wedding"

Bridezilla much!!!!! Grin

Original poster
GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 11:23

Up until the nonsense of my partner being bullied by text daily by the pair of them I thought they were a nice normal couple. Bride seems to have got a bit Bridezilla but I'm sure it's just the stress of it all.

I shall attend and wont make any fuss because I would never wish to do that on anybodies day. I couldn't possibly decline because

  1. When I said I was happy for my partner to go it alone he said don't you bloody dare make me go alone
  2. They have already counted me in for meals and I wouldn't dare make them pay for a meal to go spare.
OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 06/07/2012 11:23

Yeah but you're kind of not allowed to take wholesale alcohol to most venues, hence the pay bar bit. I presume they're getting married in a hotel?

OTheHugeManatee · 06/07/2012 11:25

Actually, I did get invited to a wedding the other day where everyone was expected to pay for their own lunch. I'm embarrassed to admit I was a bit Shock at that. But the bride and groom are both Marxist academics, so Grin

biddysmama · 06/07/2012 11:25

i was invited to a wedding where you had to pay for your own meal and drinks and they asked for vouchers towards their honeymoon...

OTheHugeManatee · 06/07/2012 11:27

biddys - have you been invited to the same wedding as me? Grin

(I'm not going, though that's more to do with the fact that I haven't seen the bloke in question since we were at school together aged 14 than out of pearl clutching at the prospect of coughing up £20 for an indifferent meal.)

Trills · 06/07/2012 11:27

You don't sound like you like them very much.

In response to the original question, YABU. Nobody should assume that they won't need to buy a drink.

Original poster
GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 11:28

Yes, I've been to parties in function rooms and a hotel but never paid for own drinks.

I suppose it must be something we do locally seeing so many of you have paid for your own. My family seem to be in keeping with the father forks out or at least helps pay for the bill.

At my cousins wedding the bar run out of money and he handed over his card.

It just seemed like wedding / party etiquette to me.

OP posts:
BonnieBumble · 06/07/2012 11:28

YABU. I have never been to a wedding with free bar. Wine and champagne with food is provided but that's it.

catgirl1976 · 06/07/2012 11:28

It is "correct" etiquette-wise not to have a pay bar, however I think it is becoming very uncommon these days anda lot people have "pay bars".

However, it would be extremely tacky to put something about the cash status of the bar on the invitation and it was rude of you to ask

Am a bit [shock[ at your manners and you thinking mentioning money on a wedding invitation would be acceptable. Sorry.

CotesduRhone · 06/07/2012 11:29

I can only add I've never been to a wedding with a free bar, wine at dinner yes and a drink for the toasts but nothing else. Gosh, one would bankrupt themselves!

LadyInDisguise · 06/07/2012 11:32

Glass just to say I have never been to a wedding where you had to pay for your own drinks...
I have been to 'wedding parties' (ie a party to celebrate the wedding, but NOT on the wedding day) where you were paying for your drinks.
But yes each time, it felt more like 'we are the pub together to celebrate X' rather than being invited to a party as such.