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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think if people are having a pay bar they should say so on invite?

855 replies

GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 10:40

I'm going to a wedding next week and my partner is the best man. The couple have been a bit funny with partner this year being very pedantic over what he can and can't write in his speech to the point he told them to write it for them. He's also been in trouble with the bride for getting the groom drunk on his stag night (a whole month before the wedding). They also originally didn't invite me, then invited me to evening only (I'll be travelling up there the night before with my partner so would have been twiddling thumbs in hotel till evening) until my partner asked for me to be invited properly.

I asked my partner to ask if it was a pay bar or free bar as I just had an inkling these two are having a wedding they can't really afford although there was no mention of it on the invite. The reply he got from groom was "Of course it's a pay bar we're paying for the wedding...

Either way, Do you think if guests are expected to be paying for their own drink it should be mentioned on the invite?

OP posts:
IloveJudgeJudy · 06/07/2012 11:56

I, too, have only been to a couple of weddings where there has been a pay bar. A friend of mine had a 40th where food and disco was provided, but we had to pay. I do resent it a bit as I'd rather she had a do at her house where I didn't have to pay, especially as we'd all chipped in £50 each for her present.

It's the norm in my family not to pay. They would not be happy if they had to. In fact, if I had a party with a pay bar with friends and family, I'd have to fork out for my family's drinks as we've never had to pay with them. Nor have we with most of my friends, either.

I also wish people would put on the invitation whether it's a pay bar or not. I'm with the OP. YANBU.

catgirl1976 · 06/07/2012 11:57
Hexenbiest · 06/07/2012 11:58

I once went to a wedding where my DP who I'd been with a many years was invited to the whole thing and I wasn't. It was horrible waiting round by myself in a strange hotel room there was nothing local to see till the evening do. I really resent the whole thing and the money spent.

I suspect when people do this kind of stuff it because they don't really want one half of the partnership there really.

I would expect the bar not to be free - but it can vary so much. I'd have take some money and hoped I wouldn't have to use it but checking with them sounds more sensible as does asking for a proper invite.

Does the bride not want your DP as best man? That would account for the hostility.

GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 12:01

Helpyourself -

I honestly am not full of ill towards them. I thought the bride was really nice prior to this.

My partner on the other hand is rather upset about the way they have been behaving towards him. He felt honoured the groom asked him to be best man after all these years... I think he's having second thoughts now. So I'll go and I'll be there to support him because he's nervous about his speech :)

OP posts:
MsElisaDay · 06/07/2012 12:02

YABVU.

I've only ever been to one wedding where it was a free bar, and it was in a hired barn in the middle of nowhere, with no corkage costs. So it didn't cost the bride and groom THAT much to get everyone pissed for free, especially as there were only about 50 guests and they could just stock up with a few crates of cheap plonk from a cash and carry.

At every other wedding I've been to, as others have said, it's been a pay bar with perhaps a drink for the toast, or wine on tables, as well. I never expect anything other than that and certainly wouldn't expect people to state on the invitations if it was a pay bar.

But what I really take exception to is your feelings that this couple are "having a wedding they can't afford."
What, should you not get married if you can't afford to get all of your guests pissed?
Should you save up for another year or two, or spend money that could be better put into something such as a house or family car, just to placate the snobbish, guestzilla element who resent paying for their own wine?

This REALLY pissed me off.
I should add that, when I got married, I was absolutely broke, but wanted a big and informal wedding with all my friends. No flowers, no photographer, no wedding cars, no bridesmaids, no ushers, none of that. Just a relaxed party for all to enjoy.
We paid for our guests to eat twice - a big lunch and an evening buffet - but there was no free booze at all as we simply couldn't afford it. All the guests knew this beforehand and had the option either to bring their own bottles of wine, or use a cash bar. Nobody minded one bit.

But perhaps in your world, the likes of us shouldn't have got married at all. Or should perhaps have only invited immediate family so we could afford to buy them wine all day.
Maybe you shouldn't go to this wedding. If I'd had a guest who was looking down on me for being poorer than them and not doing things "properly" it would have made me very uncomfortable and really quite saddened.

trixymalixy · 06/07/2012 12:02

I have been to one or two weddings with free drinks all night, but these have been in venues where they have hired the whole castle for the weekend and have bought caseloads of wine at a wholesaler. The vast vast majority have had a glass of bubbly on arrival, wine with the meal and a pay bar at night.

ethelb · 06/07/2012 12:02

@nervous the one we are going to my Dp has had to pay for his suit though he is a member of the party.

think that is a bit off though....

Hullygully · 06/07/2012 12:03

I think they should say.

I think pay bars are unusual (but i have only been to two weddings and I am Old School)

GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 12:05

Lol Squeaky she could quite possibly regretting her decision.

She had a fit that the stag night had resulted in her groom being drunk... not sure why, they only had a quiet one at the dogs. Confused

Thank you fruitysummer

I wouldn't say they are mental, perhaps just different.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 06/07/2012 12:06

I would say the tradition of free bars diminished when we turned into a nation of freeloading binge drinkers who would take the piss at a free bar and use it as an excuse to order trebles, do shots, and rack up as much free booze as possible, because it was freeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

MrJasc · 06/07/2012 12:07

Through uni I worked in a wedding venue. Must have seen 100 weddings and never once saw a free bar. We always charged customers for the drinks they had.

Since then I have been to two free bar weddings. One was Danish, the other Jewish. So I wonder whether it's a cultural thing?

Have recently researched weddings for myself in London and looked into doing a free bar (DP is Danish, and it's the tradition over there). However, nowhere we have looking into has said yes to us bringing our own booze (as the hosts always do in Denmark). Only option is for us to pay the venue's bar bill at the end of the night - so incluing all the extra whack these places put on the price - £15 for a £3 bottle wine etc. Confused

RubyFakeNails · 06/07/2012 12:09

MsElisaDay the OP hasn't said anything elitist about 'the likes of you' she explained that the bride had said they couldn't afford the meals, so thats why they are having a wedding they can't afford.

I don't think she is being very unreasonable as some people have said they have never been to pay bar weddings and neither has the OP so if this is usual for her and usual for some people its not unreasonable for her to be surprised.

GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 12:12

MsElsaDay

We obviously have different opinions and you have taken personal offence to my opinions. Sorry if you feel insulted by what I have said but I can tell you I'm not a snobby, I'm a working class cockney.

I made the assumption they can't afford their wedding because my partner is paying for his own suit hire and the reason for my lack or original invite was that they couldn't afford to pay to feed everybody. They have also said they are not having a honeymoon because they can't afford one.

I cannot deny that I believe people shouldn't have big weddings unless they can afford them and I wouldn't invite anyone to celebrate with me unless I could pay for them to do so.

At your wedding you stated to your guests that you couldn't afford to provide alcohol and provided them with the option of bringing their own. This is different to leaving it off the invite and expecting people to pay for their own.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 06/07/2012 12:16

This is clearly a bit of a class issue.

I'm from er........very lower working class background in Scotland and every wedding I've been to in my own 'class' has been free booze - whisky/beer on the tables and a bar stocked by the wedding party and someone hired to staff it - all FREE drinks - much less spent on food Wink - it's a point of pride amongst the poorer (I'm guessing the big fat gypsy wedding crowd are the same).

Since I poshed myself up and moved down sarf all weddings I've been to from working class to middle class have had designs on themselves, slightly better food, wine on the tables and a pay bar. One posh wedding I went to had a FREE champagne bar.

Apart from in Wales - much more like Scotland in the two weddings I've been to - much more drink consumed and lots more free booze.

GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 12:18

I'd also like to add I am in no way looking down on them. I've stated previously in this thread I'm currently bringing home the dosh for both my partner and I because he lost his job a few weeks back hence why I want to know in advance if I need to fork out for a bit of wine to celebrate the happy couples day.

I appreciate the financial situation they are in, but if I was in that situation I wouldn't be having a big wedding.

OP posts:
Mrsjay · 06/07/2012 12:20

every wedding i have been too in scotland including my own there has been a paybar

i want to go to a fee bar Grin

Mrsjay · 06/07/2012 12:20

free* even

duckdodgers · 06/07/2012 12:24

To be honest, they don't know my partner or myself very well.My partner and the groom were friends growing up as teenagers and have rarely seen each other since

Why on earth did groom ask your DP then, and why did he accept? Not meaning to be harsh but does groom have any friends, as asking someone so random from your past seems a bit odd?

StanleyLambchop · 06/07/2012 12:27

We had our reception in a lovely old country house, it did not have a bar on site, but the caterers set up a table with booze on it and then manned it for us. The original idea was for the guests to pay but on the day my dear old Dad told the caterers that he would pick up the bar tab at the end of the wedding. He graciously paid the huge bill at the end of the evening without flinching and has never mentioned it since. It was however a massive amount of money, I was really shocked at how much. We only had 45 guests!! The worst offenders were colleagues of my DH, all high earners who decided to order double whiskeys all night because someone else was paying. I think that is one of the reasons why free bars are not that common anymore. People take the piss.

I agree with the others about the best man hiring his own suit- that should be paid for by the groom.

GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 12:28

Duck - My thoughts exactly. They had been very close up to the age of 18 but they are 28 now.

I think the excitement of being somebodies best man won my DP over as well as not wanting to offend.

Not quite sure about the popularity of the groom, most people at his stag do were friends of the couple rather than of the groom from what I know.

OP posts:
nemno · 06/07/2012 12:29

I used to think all weddings would be 'free bar' because that was the norm in my family and when I went to friends. Now it seems that if the venue is a hotel then at least the evening do will have a pay bar. Still surprised by our neighbour's garden marquee do having a pay bar though. It took alot of folk by surprise, at least us locals could nip home and get cash.

hope004 · 06/07/2012 12:30

Never been to a wedding with a free bar. Would always expect to pay. (Apart from possible drink package as a daytime guest)
Have to say woild never of occurred to me to tell people either.
If you are an evening guest I wolud think it would be polite for them to buy your 1st drink. That has happened to me before but I wouldn't expect it.

BonnieBumble · 06/07/2012 12:31

I must admit I have always found the paying for own suit hire thing odd but again it does seem the norm. Dh has been a best man and usher on numerous occasions and has always paid for his suit hire so when we got married we followed suit (pardon the pun) and his ushers paid for their own. I paid for all my bridesmaids and I have never been to a wedding where I have been I have had to pay for my own dress but for some reason the the same rules don't seem to apply when it comes to suit hire.

duckdodgers · 06/07/2012 12:31

I think the excitement of being somebodies best man won my DP over as well as not wanting to offend.

Fair enough, I can see how this may the case as its quite flattering. Still dont get the groom though Grin

ThatsDope · 06/07/2012 12:33

Jesus wept

YABVVVVVVVVU

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