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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think if people are having a pay bar they should say so on invite?

855 replies

GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 10:40

I'm going to a wedding next week and my partner is the best man. The couple have been a bit funny with partner this year being very pedantic over what he can and can't write in his speech to the point he told them to write it for them. He's also been in trouble with the bride for getting the groom drunk on his stag night (a whole month before the wedding). They also originally didn't invite me, then invited me to evening only (I'll be travelling up there the night before with my partner so would have been twiddling thumbs in hotel till evening) until my partner asked for me to be invited properly.

I asked my partner to ask if it was a pay bar or free bar as I just had an inkling these two are having a wedding they can't really afford although there was no mention of it on the invite. The reply he got from groom was "Of course it's a pay bar we're paying for the wedding...

Either way, Do you think if guests are expected to be paying for their own drink it should be mentioned on the invite?

OP posts:

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 07/07/2012 21:06

One drink is unusual I would say. I'm used to a pay bar - but not until later when the reception is over.

As for it not being the "done thing" each to their own I say.

MrsSutherland · 07/07/2012 21:19

Catin sorry I was being funny - just read the first page or so and most people said YABU. Thats a bit rude to say that as I wasn't aggresive or nasty, of course people have different opinions, I have been to many many weddings and never had a free bar - just thought that was normal - I really must get some new friends.

Gnome Sorry as I said did not have time to read 29 pages - I think just a welcome drink is a bit tight. I think the wine and champagne with dinner is part of the thing you give to guests when they have made the effort to share the day.

MrsSutherland · 07/07/2012 21:20

Catin - sorry I wasn't being funny - not was!

Cheriefroufrou · 07/07/2012 21:32

"I assume that those people getting very hot under the collar on this thread about not paying for their guests drinks are doing so because they are now realising that they may not have been quite the 'hosts with the most' that they thought they were!"

you assume wrong, I still wouldn't have a free bar and still don't think its the barometer of a good host, even with 10 times the budget

MrsSutherland · 07/07/2012 21:40

I also wouldn't have a free bar necessarily but I would certainly make sure there were enough free drinks during the day that people didn't have to buy any, the evening is different although we did ensure the evening venue sold reasonably priced drinks as I can't stand the thought that people are paying for over the top priced drinks.

I went to a wedding recently in a really posh hotel, we travelled 50 miles to get there, were only invited to the evening do so it was a way to travel just for the evening. There was no food as they had done a tea time buffet for the day time people and a vodka and coke (from a bottle) was over £6 so I ate as much cake as I could manage and ordered pizza on the way home!!!

trixymalixy · 07/07/2012 21:55

Given that all mine and my DH's friends and families weddings had pay bars bar one, then no I feel quite happy with my wedding and would do the same again.

My abiding memory of my wedding is the shrieks of laughter from as my Scottish family tried to teach my DH's English family how to ceilidh, I know theirs are too. Not how many free drinks they had. Great times.

Cheriefroufrou · 07/07/2012 22:01

and yup since everyone who was at my wedding whose wedding I've been to had a pay bar too, I doubt they were grumbling about mine!

YouOldSlag · 08/07/2012 00:16

I assume that those people getting very hot under the collar on this thread about not paying for their guests drinks are doing so because they are now realising that they may not have been quite the 'hosts with the most' that they thought they were!

Another one here who is telling you that you assume wrong. We gave our guests six free drinks in total, after that, they all bought their own. Not one person at my wedding expected a free bar and none of the people there had a free bar at their weddings either.

I can tell you that the last thing on my mind that day was whether I was the host with the most.

lisaro · 08/07/2012 00:20

TBH I'd far rather have a pay bar in a lovely venue and possibly good food, than a free for all in a community centre.

BrandyAlexander · 08/07/2012 00:51

Funny thread. I find the whole paying bar thing very odd, but have been to quite a few weddings recently where that's been the case so now I would always take cash just in case. Judging by this thread, it seems to be/becoming the norm. I never question other people's wedding choices/decisions (so from that perspective YABU), although personally we wouldn't have dreamed of expecting our wedding guests to pay for their drinks.

Cheriefroufrou · 08/07/2012 00:55

god yes lisaro! I'd feel so much more welcomed with a nice sit down meal in a nice place then an open tab behind a grotty bar any day!

Hownoobrooncoo · 08/07/2012 00:56

I ahem, like a drink. I'd probably feel more comfortable buying my own drinks after the usual free ones during the meal etc. I'd feel restricted if the B&G were footing the whole bill unless it was a cheap and cheerful smaller do with loads of cheap booze provided, like in their home or community hall.

Cheriefroufrou · 08/07/2012 00:59

is it rude to order expensive spirits when there's a free bar?
because I don't like beer, and only like wine with food or if its sparking (so usually more expensive and not always available by the glass)
so if I'm ordering from a bar its always bombay saphire or havana club - would I be rude to get that on an open tab?
(genuine question as have only ever been to paid bar weddings)

BrandyAlexander · 08/07/2012 01:12

Cheriefroufrou only if you're ordering it by the double/triple! Our clear instructions to the waiting staff at our wedding was to keep the drinks flowing from the start of the champagne reception to the end of the meal and to make sure the tables always had plenty of champagne and wine. It meant that not too many people hit the spirits when the less formal bit began because they had already been at it for 4.5 hours!

NotMostPeople · 08/07/2012 01:14

I've had two weddings and didn't have a pay bar at either I felt that if you are asking someone to an event it shouldn't cost them money. If they want to buy a gift that's lovely and up to them but I hate all this making people pay for outfits, expensive hens nights etc. it's dictating how people spend their money.

piprabbit · 08/07/2012 01:17

It's not rude to order spirits, although a free bar won't always have all the brands available IME. So you'd probably be able to get gin or rum - but not the brands you prefer.

It is rude to drink like you've just reached an oasis after being stranded in the desert for months. It gives the impression that you don't give a toss about the hosts and you are only out to sting them for as many free drinks as possible.

FiftyShadesofViper · 08/07/2012 01:39

30 years ago when we got married, we provided wine with meal and champagne on arrival and for toasts. After that it was a pay bar. Our friends have all done similarly.

Unfortunately the drinking culture in this country makes a free bar here a totally different proposition to one in other countries.

PrincessFiorimonde · 08/07/2012 01:52

OP:
I don't think your original question was unreasonable. If a bride and groom are providing general info. about the wedding day (how to get to venue, where to stay, etc.), then I think they might also mention that there'll be a pay bar at the (evening) do.

But I can also see that many 'wedding info. sheets' supplied with the actual wedding invite just wouldn't think to mention this - they would just take it as read that their guests would expect a pay bar.

However, I certainly don't think it's 'crass' to ask about this if you aren't sure what to expect.

PrincessFiorimonde · 08/07/2012 01:59

I've been to both free-bar and pay-bar weddings, so have no axe to grind.

But feel I should reinforce the point that a free bar doesn't necessarily mean people getting blotto.

A couple of posters have pointed out that in many hotels (or even pubs) a glass of orange juice can cost as much as (if not more than) a half of lager.

sashh · 08/07/2012 07:58

I've never been to a wedding where you've had to pay for your own drinks and I've been to a fair few.

I've only been to one where the bar was free, that was an Indian wedding. WIne with the meal, spirits after the meal, wine and or spirits during the dancing and the bride's dad made me take two bottles home.

I think the norm is for wine with the meal is included (sometimes a limmited amount, 1 or 2 bottles per table) but the bar is a pay bar after that.

lisaro · 08/07/2012 23:06

Actually when you book somewhere nice you also can book a drinks package.

Noqontrol · 08/07/2012 23:15

If i was going to a wedding i would assume it was a pay bar. If i got there and it was all free, well that would be a nice surprise, but i don't think its something that i would need to be told about first

ViviPru · 08/07/2012 23:28

Gutter I missed this thread at its juiciest. All my fave topics.

FWIW, I'm astounded so many people expect their drinks to be paid for at weddings all night. I've been to so many weddings I've lost count; across all the social strata, at every possible venue imaginable, all over the UK and even on different continents and never had a free bar.

I don't think it needs to be stated on the invite, but I'm not taking any chances with ours. I'm stating that celebration drinks and table wine will be provided and there will be a bar on-site accepting cash only. Our wedding is on a farm in the middle of nowhere so I'm keen to ensure people are prepared.

On that note, there is also a statement regarding our regret that only family children can be accommodated at the wedding and a polite request that any gifts take the form of a contribution toward our honeymoon.

ViviPru · 08/07/2012 23:28

gutted*

Original poster

GlassofRose · 09/07/2012 08:48

Vivi

It's good that you are giving your guests a heads up.

Regardless of whether people are more familiar with pay bars or free bars it is nice for them to not have to guess.

Personally if I couldn't accommodate guests children I wouldn't invite the people with children but if you tell them you can't accommodate them it gives them a choice :)

Gifts are an awkward one too! Gift lists make it so much easier to buy presents people actually want... but I personally couldn't possibly send one or ask for any specific contributions etc.

I've never liked it when people ask what you want for birthdays/ christmas etc. I don't like asking for things.

OP posts:

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