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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if people are having a pay bar they should say so on invite?

855 replies

GlassofRose · 06/07/2012 10:40

I'm going to a wedding next week and my partner is the best man. The couple have been a bit funny with partner this year being very pedantic over what he can and can't write in his speech to the point he told them to write it for them. He's also been in trouble with the bride for getting the groom drunk on his stag night (a whole month before the wedding). They also originally didn't invite me, then invited me to evening only (I'll be travelling up there the night before with my partner so would have been twiddling thumbs in hotel till evening) until my partner asked for me to be invited properly.

I asked my partner to ask if it was a pay bar or free bar as I just had an inkling these two are having a wedding they can't really afford although there was no mention of it on the invite. The reply he got from groom was "Of course it's a pay bar we're paying for the wedding...

Either way, Do you think if guests are expected to be paying for their own drink it should be mentioned on the invite?

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 09/07/2012 09:01

I have been to a few weddings where drinks were supplied by the wedding party, one bar it was free wine and beer all evening but you paid for spirits and soft drinks, the others were free/open bar all evening. Also a couple of weddings transport was also laid on to get the guests home in a coach.

I have also worked a few bars at weddings where there has been a free bar.

I would say though that most of these weddings with free bars where a few years ago now.

ViviPru · 09/07/2012 09:19

Personally if I couldn't accommodate guests children I wouldn't invite the people with children but if you tell them you can't accommodate them it gives them a choice

That's a whole other thread. In fact, quite literally, there is a whole other thread where the AIBU jury and I worked it out collectively:

Due to capacity restrictions in the barn, aside from family and godchildren we are regretfully unable to accommodate everyone?s children at the wedding (other than babes-in-arms). If it better suits your childcare arrangements, you are welcome to join us instead from 8pm for the evening reception with or without your children. If this is preferable for you, please let us know in your RSVP.

Watertight.

AmberLeaf · 09/07/2012 09:35

Blimey Vivipru!

You expect your guests to pay for their own drinks and your honeymoon!

dottyspotty2 · 09/07/2012 09:36

The only children at my wedding was my oldest niece and nephew sister didn't bring youngest 2 she felt they where 2 young and my cousins 2 they travelled 450 miles to come, when my nephew got married no children where at the daytime due to costs was only held in a rugby club DD1 and a nephew looked after my youngest 2, 2 nieces and a nephew it's not always clear cut who can come however when we got married we didn't think of putting children onto invite luckily for us asso called brother didn't come because his boys weren't mentioned on invite I didnn't invite him my parents did without my knowledge. Angry

dottyspotty2 · 09/07/2012 09:39

Amber my niece asked for spending money for her honeymoon they had been together 10 years both professionals and didn't need anything for a house they got a few gifts as well though.

AmberLeaf · 09/07/2012 09:50

Asking guests for money instead of a gift list is one issue.

Asking guests who've had to pay for their drinks is another IMO!

dottyspotty2 · 09/07/2012 10:02

We did both bought our drinks as well the wine was suppied for the meal and a welcome drink not a problem to us, you'd give a gift wouldn't you what difference does it make the way the gift is given. We received lots of money when we got married we also only put a small amount behind the bar for drinks even though most people didn't work like that when we got married (at least we'd never come across it)

Original poster
GlassofRose · 09/07/2012 10:07

Vivi - I know it's a "whole other thread" but you brought it for discussion on this one Confused

Amber, I'm inclined to agree with you there.
I'll be honest, I do think weddings have become a bit "me, me, me". I thought weddings were about making a commitment and celebrating it with loved ones. Now it just seems it's about making a wedding as flashy as possible and getting what you can out of it.

There seems to be an attitude of "paying for all my guests to have a drink wasn't the top of my priority" amongst some posters. I know I risk being accused of looking down my nose at them (nothing to lose I've already been accused several times) but I think after you've said your vows then your guests should be your priority. I don't buy into the "it's my big day" way of thinking... you should be honoured your guests want to share your day, not make your guests feel like it's an honour to be invited.

Personally, I wouldn't ask anyone for any gifts and graciously accept anything that was offered.

Everyone does things differently. We can't expect everyone to do things as we would do... but then you must always expect you may insult someone with your way of thinking.

OP posts:
Original poster
GlassofRose · 09/07/2012 10:09

Oh and when I said weddings are about getting what you can out of it I'm talking about the people who put washing machines or play station games on their gift list!

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 09/07/2012 10:15

We had to ask our niece as she never mentioned it unless anyone asked she was grateful for everyone attending and anything they got we came from nothing and don't expect, they also gave a large donation to a breast cancer charity as it was something close to our family's heart all daytime guests had a pin badge and personalised card to explain.

NotGeoffVader · 09/07/2012 10:19

I would always assume that it is a pay bar. We had a pay bar, and didn't put that on the invites. One of my 'guests' came up to me and said, "Oh I was so embarrassed, I didn't know we had to pay for our drinks". Rather rude, I thought!

YouOldSlag · 09/07/2012 10:20

That IS rude Geoff, almost a passive aggressive dig!

squoosh · 09/07/2012 10:38

I agree with the poster 737 pages ago who said it's like the 'shoes on/off in people's houses' issue.

Both are correct but one can seem unusual if you haven't personally experienced it.

NotGeoffVader · 09/07/2012 10:46

I should point out that those who came to the wedding ceremony and breakfast had a three-course meal with drinks provided. We paid for the wedding ourselves, with 'subs' of around £300 from our parents.

I think that many weddings have become more focused on showing off and trying to impress rather than on making a commitment....but that makes me sound quite an old gimmer.

I fully accept that different people do things in different ways. Funny about the shoes on/off thing. We are a shoes off household, so I generally apply that rule when I go visiting, unless I have particularly whiffy feet from wearing trainers all day in which case I'll ask!

Pandemoniaa · 09/07/2012 11:01

Not for the first time, I reckon Vivi has it spot on here. It mightn't suit everyone to donate to a honeymoon and some people will have to decide whether they can get childcare in order to go to the wedding. But they know all this well in advance. Also, guests have the option of coming along in the evening with or without children. This strikes me as a very reasonable alternative.

Original poster
GlassofRose · 09/07/2012 11:10

Not Geoff

It was probably intentionally passive aggressively rude because perhaps your guest thought it was rude not to have known in advance that he/she was expected to pay for their drinks.

It is obvious there actually is no norm.

OP posts:
ViviPru · 09/07/2012 11:10

Yep sure do, Amberleaf and I expect them to pay for childcare too Shock. The very cheek of it. I could start a game of AIBU wedding bingo with this one couldn't I.

Most of the guests at my wedding are friends whose weddings we've already attended and happily contributed to their honeymoons as similarly requested, or relatives and friends who are keen to mark the occasion with a gift and have (when gently questioned) claimed they would far prefer their money to go toward an experience we wouldn't otherwise have than a non-specific cash gift or set of crystal hi-ball tumblers from John Lewis.

"whole other thread" but you brought it for discussion on this one
I know I did - I wasn't having the arse about it.

I think regardless of MY specific choices or the OP's, the long and short of it is that honest, polite communication is key. If people know where they stand and understand the reasoning behind a couple's choices, then no one need get the arse :)

Original poster
GlassofRose · 09/07/2012 11:12

Sorry Vivi -

I thought it was an arsey comment.

I do agree that polite communication is key :)

OP posts:
ViviPru · 09/07/2012 11:24

That's ok. I think you're right about there being no norm, which we are lucky as MNetters to appreciate. We can have a reasonable debate here and learn about others' expectations and norms so we can be better prepared. I feel sorry for the non-MNters who stumble through life offending folk left right and centre like the bride & groom in your OP.

I don't think that the provision of a bar, pay or otherwise is a marker of how one ensures guests' comfort and enjoyment. If guests are offered complimentary reception drinks, 2/3 a bottle of wine per head with the meal and champagne for toasts, how much more booze do they really need? At a wedding on Saturday, after these complimetary drinks, I had one G&T kindly bought for me and after that I just had water . I'm not sure that laying on the evening bar is essential to guests comfort and enjoyment.

There will be local spring water and elderflower cordial freely available all evening along with hot drinks at our wedding. If guests want something stronger than that's their choice. Although FWIW, we've got a huge shipment of homebrew promised us, which should get the party off with a swing...

WhosPickleisThatOnion · 09/07/2012 12:08

Glass it wasnt

"paying for all my guests to have a drink wasn't the top of my priority"

But generally paying for more than a few welcome drinks, some fizzy drinks for toasts and bottles of wine for the reception is more than some can afford, or some see this as enough booze to lay on?

I don't think there was anyone who said they wouldn't pay for one drink?

I mean I think that would be bad if so.

milkymocha · 09/07/2012 12:32

Dudnt read the whole thread Blush
Iam a cockney too waves
And its actually the done thing to have a free bar. The family usually put a couple of thousand behind the bar then when its gone everyobe pays for their own! So i suppose thats meeting half way!

When i get married i would like to buy everyones 1st drink at the evening party then leave it at that.
1 because i HATE drunk people
2 because i'd rather spend that money on my kids/a honeymoon
3 because people take the piss getting triple drinks etc (my mum!!!!)

I dont think its unreasonable to ask the var situation. I had got round this question in the past by asking 'if the cenue accepted visa' this gives the perfect chance for the coupke to say 'its a free bar so not necessary' or 'yes they do!'

People get so arsey about weddimgs, the OP was only asking a question fgs!

milkymocha · 09/07/2012 12:33

Sorry for all the typos Blush
Toddler trying to help mummy! Grin

Original poster
GlassofRose · 09/07/2012 12:41

Onion -

I can't remember exactly who but somebody did say that paying for drinks wasn't top priority regardless of whether they'd offer one or not.

Milkymocha

The Visa question is a nice way of getting around it.

OP posts:
WhosPickleisThatOnion · 09/07/2012 12:54

Visa is a good idea milky if you wanted to check without asking.

Very diplomatic.

squoosh · 09/07/2012 13:00

When I get married the invitation will state quite solemnly that it is a temperance wedding, no hard liquor will be tolerated. Tea only, milky tea at that as caffeine can make people get a little rowdy.

And then when the guests arrive it will acutally be a frat house style wedding with beer kegs, yards of ale, shots being pured into people's mouths.

And that'll just be the mass!