To think that if you can afford two holidays in one summer then you can afford to come to your niece's christening?

[TooImmatureTurtleDoves]

I know it's unreasonable to complain about what my BIL and SIL choose to spend their money on, but I'm so angry I need to vent!

We're having a christening-type party for DD in Aug. Before I booked the date I checked with my parents and PIL to make sure they were free. BIL then called DH to say he wasn't sure they would be able to come due to the cost of flights. He said it would cost £900 to fly 2 adults and 2 kids (age 6 and 2) from London to Edinburgh and back. DH idolises his big brother and was crushed. It turned out that FIL had offered to pay for the flights and BIL had said no. We said they could stay with us, so there would be no accommodation costs.

I know I was stirring, but I looked up flights and they would cost £567 with BA, so I sent SIL the quote. I know, I know, but I was so pissed off with them! I know that's still a huge amount of money for a weekend.

However, I also know a few other things.

1. They went on holiday to the South of France a few weeks back and came back saying that looking after their kids was so exhausting, they were going to go again without them. This trip is booked for the end of Aug. The kids will be staying with PIL for a week. That's a 2 yo staying with relatives whom she doesn't see a lot of, for a whole week.
2. BIL is a banker and their idea of being short of money is not the same as mine. As I said in the title, their notion of being broke includes not 1 but 2 holidays a summer.
3. There are other means of transport than planes! Train fares would cost about £275. Yes, the trip is 4.5 hours each way on the train, and they have issues with entertaining their own kids (see point 1 above), but sometimes, you have to suck it up and put yourselves out a little for family!
4. DH is really upset by this.
5. We schlepped to London for both their kids' christenings, and we did it because that's what you do for family!

We're going to see them next weekend at PIL's - it's going to be really awkward, especially because SIL will be in full self-justification mode and I'm not sure I'll be able to remain polite.

So tell me, AIBU or are they?

then why can't BIL and SIL travel to OP's kids "christening" (booking a hall etc is a bit more effort than a family party) party
Maybe because they don't want to!

Like I said before I wouldn't! I wouldn't want anyone to put all that mileage in for me either. It's too much travelling with kids at a weekend especially if you have been working all week and just want down time.

I would send a card and present and say have a good time everyone!

I'm afraid I wouldn't want this much hassle and expense for just a weekend and christening, however close I was to the family members or friends. Christenings are dull not on a par with weddings, and I would even be reluctant to fork out that money for a wedding tbh. Plus your DD won't have a clue .
Don't take it personally - just enjoy your day. Sorry, but yabu.

I think some people are giving the OP too hard a time.

She and her DH made the effort to travel for BIL and SIL's kids' christenings. It looks as if BIL and SIL's priorities of how they spend their time and money are different .. I can see why that would be hurtful.

I also think that she is feeling bad on her DH's behalf as he loves his big brother and is hurt at him not coming. Would be great if BIL changed his mind and came himself because it matters to DH. I can see why SIL and two young kids might want to give it a miss though.

Regarding changing trains in Birmingham and Carlisle and whatever -you can get about 10 direct trains a day between London and Edinburgh, and they take about 4,5 hours...

Unfortunately OP, your BIL and SIL don't seem to place as much emphasis on family as you do -and a lot of posters on this thread seem the same. I think you are perfectly within your rights to be upset about this.

op id be pretty hacked of to (only being honest)

if it gets bought up when you see them either

1, be honest with them (you may cause ill feeling and family tension though)

2,lie and say its fine (which if i were you would be winding myself up even more)

i know my answers not much help but id be put out to

hope the celebration goes well for you

OP I've read up to page 3 of your posts and honestly.....I think you are being totally and utterly unreasonable. You expect them to shell out all that cash for a party, thats what it is, why should they accept the FIL generous offer (he probably knew what a song and dance you'd make of this and felt obliged)...just accept they aren't coming. Like another post said on here, for a wedding perhaps I'd make the effort dragging my kids across the country and spending a small fortune BUT the way you come across isn't very good on here, and if this is how you behave...no wonder they are steering clear. i'd give you a huge berth.

I wouldn't put a 2 year old through a 9 hour train journey to attend something a couple of hours long. Whatever the occasion.

Yabu

I wouldn't even fork all that out for a real christening tbh.

YABU

it doesn't just cost us the train fare to go to things like this, it also costs us earnings (self employed) and looses clients for DH etc

maybe they cannot afford their holidays AND the naming party - do you think they should go without their family/couple time holidays to go to this? its a pretty informal event to be honest! Its not like a wedding, I wouldn't travel up to scotland with my toddler to go to this and would decline if my parents offered to pay! I wouldn't want them to spend it for one, and for another thing its not just the financial cost but also the time and general ball-acheyness!

Going to these things either costs you clients and money (if self employed) or annual leave (if employed) which are prescious. Sometimes you can't say yes to everything!

Christenings are shit. Seriously.

I certainly wouldnt entertain travelling from Edinburgh to London to go to one.

Complete waste of money and life.

I don't think that the OP is being unreasonable. And Too, I'm so sorry about your first child being stillborn. Now the OP has had a second child, who is still only sixteen weeks old, and they'd like to celebrate her safe arrival. There are the moments when family should make an effort to go above and beyond, to show their support, and love, and this is one of them. I can't imagine that the OP had a particularly stress-free pregnancy, or indeed birth, given the circumstances. It's a big ask, admittedly, and if the situation were different I'd view it differently. But the situation being what it is, the OPs BIL and SIL should make the effort to attend. The cost is a red herring.

YABU sorry. Its a huge ask. We had a welcome party for both our DDs think my sister and uncle missed one or other I didn't give it a second thought. DHs extended family all came to first one as we were in London but didn't come when we had moved to the south west but didn't bother me in the slightest. We saw it as a party for us and for those for whom it was convenient to come over drink champagne in the garden, eat cake and meet the baby while we read a poem or two. Let it go honestly. In a year or two you will look back and wonder why you were so exercised about it. Plus if they have young children they will be spending a lot of time in church halls attending parties its bad enough walking round the corner to one of these let alone the epic trek yours would entail.

I don't think the OP IBU. There are very few people for whom I would go to that much effort for a christening, much less a "christening type party", but this is close family. And they made the effort for their DNs' christenings! And it does sound as if money is not an issue in this case. So yes, I would be hurt.

I haven't read the whole thread so sorry if it has gone in a completely different direction.
I think YABU. You're asking them to come to a party, not a christening, a party. I'm sorry, but flying there and back with two kids over 2/3 days just to attend a party, I don't see the point really. And by train, you would have to be crazy.
When I lived in England, my whole family lived in France, and I missed a lot of these types of events, even actual christenings and confirmations. My brothers and sisters always understood that as I lived abroad, it wasn't always worth it for me. That doesn't reflect on how I feel about my nieces and nephews at all, and I'm quite close with a lot of them.

By the sounds of it OP you've decided to throw a party in your DD's honour. There's no religious ceremony - so it's not a christening. There's no ceremony at all by the sounds of it, it just sounds like a nice family get to together to celebrate your DD

Of course you'd love your family to attend and sometimes when they do not want to they will give you an excuse to try to avoid hurting your feelings.

Even the price you quoted is a substantial amount of money to spend on a weekend. I declared my cousins invite to her wedding in Scotland because I felt taking the time off work was inappropriate and the cost of flights and accommodation would have denied me of an actual holiday that year.

I suppose the way you feel is not nice, but you have to respect their choices.

*declined not declared stupid autocorrect

I'm really shocked that so many posters make such a distinction between a "christening" and a "christening type party" to the point where they would make the effort to go to the former but not for the latter! Unless you are a religious person, what is the difference really? Both events are gatherings of friends and family to celebrate a new child. Why does the religious element matter so much to people? It's like saying you wouldn't bother celebrating Christmas Day if you couldn't go to a church service...

Anyway OP, I do think that your relatives are being unreasonable - they are clearly lying about the money issue and really just don't want to go for some other reason. Now maybe this unknown reason is a decent one, like troubles in their marriage or whatever, but it seems more likely to be laziness and wanting to keep their weekend to themselves. Given that you have attended both their christenings, I do tend to think they owe you this one - at least the brother, if not his wife and kids as well. Especially given the history that I have just stumbled across on your profile page. I'd have thought they'd be happy to celebrate your beautiful new child with you.

All that said, they clearly don't want to go and if I were you I'd rather not have them there at all than have them there reluctantly. I hope you have a beautiful day with the rest of your family and friends :-)

The difference is that one is a ceremony that is performed only once in a persons life, but a party is a party, it will be fairly similar whatever the reason for it if the same guests are invited.

Yeah but a party to celebrate a baby's birth is only going to happen once. Parties are not all the same, i.e. your 50th birthday party isn't the same as your son's 18th birthday party. And presumably there will be all the various cultural trappings of a christening, e.g. speeches, presents, fussing over the child, potentially the naming of people in godparent-type roles...

Anyway, it's fair enough if people see it as something completely different - I think I'm in the minority here. I'm just really surprised by it. Maybe I've just massively underestimated the amount of Christians on mumsnet...

Hehe, after re-reading the first sentence I see I have laid a trap for myself. Obviously yearly birthday parties celebrates birth. But I meant the occasion of birth, rather than the accumulating of years...there's a big difference to me.

riverboat. Like it or not, it's the religious element which differentiates it from "just a party".

If they're not going to go to your party in August, the why not get a cake and a couple of bottles of champagne and have a mini family celebration when you see them this month?

I can see your side of things OP, but I do think that YABU to expect them to travel so far on a weekend. I also think that YABextremelyU to make judgements about the way that they spend their money.

I hope that you have a lovely day for you lo's party.

there are non religious naming civil ceremonies
just like there are non religious weddings

but without the cereomony, religious or not, it is just a party. Its not a christian thing is it?

I'd make as much efford to go to a civil wedding or a civil naming ceremony as a religious one, wouldn't necessarily make as much effort for just a get together/party

YABVU, i wouldn't spend £600 to attend a christening and certainly wouldnt for a party to name a child.

Christenings are very rarely for their true meaning nowadays and mainly an excuse for a party and gift list. Never seen the point in naming ceremonies as everybody names their child and the majority do it without a party.

Sending the quote though was just rude, they dont want to come so trying to guilt trip them into it will only damage relations.

i don't think it's about the money.

it's obviously not, as pil have offered to pay and accommodation is free.

so problem is they don't feel they can handle it - maybe they're not getting enough sleep and work is really stressful. maybe they just don't feel strongly about it and don't realise how important it is to you.

just because they can afford lots of holidays doesn't mean they're living the life of reilly. they have problems too, and you might not have any idea what they are.

don't jump to conclusions. give them the benefit of the doubt and see if you can ask them nicely and without rancour what the problem is.