To think that if you can afford two holidays in one summer then you can afford to come to your niece's christening?

[TooImmatureTurtleDoves]

I know it's unreasonable to complain about what my BIL and SIL choose to spend their money on, but I'm so angry I need to vent!

We're having a christening-type party for DD in Aug. Before I booked the date I checked with my parents and PIL to make sure they were free. BIL then called DH to say he wasn't sure they would be able to come due to the cost of flights. He said it would cost £900 to fly 2 adults and 2 kids (age 6 and 2) from London to Edinburgh and back. DH idolises his big brother and was crushed. It turned out that FIL had offered to pay for the flights and BIL had said no. We said they could stay with us, so there would be no accommodation costs.

I know I was stirring, but I looked up flights and they would cost £567 with BA, so I sent SIL the quote. I know, I know, but I was so pissed off with them! I know that's still a huge amount of money for a weekend.

However, I also know a few other things.

1. They went on holiday to the South of France a few weeks back and came back saying that looking after their kids was so exhausting, they were going to go again without them. This trip is booked for the end of Aug. The kids will be staying with PIL for a week. That's a 2 yo staying with relatives whom she doesn't see a lot of, for a whole week.
2. BIL is a banker and their idea of being short of money is not the same as mine. As I said in the title, their notion of being broke includes not 1 but 2 holidays a summer.
3. There are other means of transport than planes! Train fares would cost about £275. Yes, the trip is 4.5 hours each way on the train, and they have issues with entertaining their own kids (see point 1 above), but sometimes, you have to suck it up and put yourselves out a little for family!
4. DH is really upset by this.
5. We schlepped to London for both their kids' christenings, and we did it because that's what you do for family!

We're going to see them next weekend at PIL's - it's going to be really awkward, especially because SIL will be in full self-justification mode and I'm not sure I'll be able to remain polite.

So tell me, AIBU or are they?

Tooimmature. You're right. They just don't want to come. They are using "too expensive" as an excuse because it would be massively offensive to do otherwise. I think you may just have to accept that these people don't put as high a value on family as you do.

YANBU to feel hurt by their decision if you traipsed down to London for their two dc's Christenings.

Lesson learned about their priorities.

YABU.

a christening of a child that is not yours is not very important on the great scale of life. and imho once you become a grownup and have a family of your own then the priority should be on those rather than brothers/ sisters family.

that may sound harsh but its just life.

So it's basically just a family gathering at your gaff, that's going to cost them £££s when presumably they already meet up with family during the year anyway. I can see why they're a bit underwhelmed.

you are being a little unreasonable. If it genuinely costs around £600 for a one day event then that is far too much. To me christenings are uncomfortable and I wold much rather be ANYWHERE else. However if it was a niece or a nephew I would make sure I made the effort (much easier as I would only have to pay for one person. If I had to pay £600 I would talk to them about and explain it was a lot of money etc etc).

They could get it cheaper on the train but it isn't 'as cheap as chips' as someone said even if you book in advance.

Their choice and I would leave them to get on with it. Enjoy your day and next time someone asks you to fork out £600 on an event please think about whether you could justify it or not.

See

I like naming ceremonies and would treat one as a meaningful celebration but I know that my former ILS would have been most sniffy and probably utterly disinterested in attending. It might be that your BIL and SIL feel similarly and are attempting to let you down lightly by using the cost as an excuse not to attend

If that is indeed your IL's attitude I think they are being unreasonable. It might go some way to explaining why they don't feel it's important enough to attend.

Naming ceremonies are legitimate - or did they just have christenings 'just because' it's traditional?

It's a party for family and friends, in the village hall, decorated nicely, with cake adorned with DD's name. We'll do some sort of speech/toast thanking people for coming and asking them to raise their glasses to DD.

Does it make a difference that it's not a church ceremony? I didn't think it would, in terms of family etiquette.

I'm sorry, but I wouldn't travel that far or spend that much and haul the kids all that way for a christening TYPE party.

It's a party.

I think the problem is dealing with your DH's disappointment. Accept that they are not coming (for whatever reasons, most of which you probably will never know). Try not to take it personally. Try and help your DH accept it with grace.

Personally though, I would not want to travel from London to Edinburgh and back with young kids for a weekend, even if it cost nothing. My personal idea of hell. If I were to go I would try and make it a longer trip, or just make it one person who travels (in this case most likely candidate would be Dh's brother). Maybe you could suggest (with no pressure) that maybe it would be an option for DB to come on his own.

What sort of plane were they flying in- gold plated? I was recently looking at Easyjet flights from Edinburgh to Stansted and they were about £50 a person in August some less. Money obviously is not the issue as your Pil were going to pay - they just can't be arsed.
I think it's pretty crap they can't make the effort but you often find some family members expect all sorts of you but do bugger all in return. Bitter emoticon.
The fact they need to go on a holiday on their own as the holiday with the kids was so exhausting speaks volumes.

I think if you invite anyone to any wedding or christening type thing which involves, travelling and travel costs you need to have the good grace to accept people declining the invitation. Their money, their time their choice. There may be a list of reasons you know nothing about. Maybe the two other holidays were funded by other relatives or some kind of money left to them? And if its not even a real christening they may not feel its important enough to spend 600 pounds on.

Were their children christened or did they have a naming ceremony?

But Too that just sounds like a party. And I assume your BIL & SIL see your family through out the year anyway, so they're not going to pay £££s to do it again. And your friends won't be their friends will they?

I wouldn't pay £££s to stand chatting with family I'd only seen recently and then making stilted social chit chat with lots of other people I barely know.

It's quite sad to think anyone would think of a christening as more important than a naming ceremony. It's like "oh because you aren't doing it through the church it doesn't count".

To me it would be about forking out £600+ and giving up a weekend to travel 100s of miles with a 6 and 2 year old. For a wedding I'd do it. For a party?

So it's not really a 'Christening', just a party? I don't blame them, tbh. I don't think I'd fancy shelling out that much or spending ages (on a train) getting to somewhere for that.

It's also none of your business how much cash they have (or you think they have) or what they spend it on.

YABU.

I think you should stop stressing about it, honestly. People are right - christenings come below weddings on the scale of how important to attend.

It's totally understandable that a holiday is a priority for most people because it's a time to relax with family. Anyway, you'll have lots of other people that matter to you there won't you?

If it's not an actual christening or a ceremony of some sort perhaps they don't understand the significance of the party for you?

Does it make a difference that it's not a church ceremony? I didn't think it would, in terms of family etiquette.

Is there a family etiquette about this though? Certainly, you'd hope they could recognise your decision to have a naming ceremony instead of a christening in church as a meaningful alternative. But it does sound rather more like a party, tbh and it may be that they'd prefer not to spend hundreds of pounds travelling down to yours in order to eat cake in a village hall.

But for all you know his job might be really shit (probably if he is a banker) and having to do overtime for most weekends. He might not have the time or energy for a baby naming ceremony.

I agree with the other posts that £500 is an awful lot of money to spend to attend a christening. It is a shame that they aren't going to be there but I wouldn't spend that amount of money to attend a christening.

You could say it was decent of your bil not to accept the offer of the flight tickets from your pil. If they're not happy spending their own money then at least they're decent enough not spend someone else's money.

The reality is it is probably too big a distance for them to attend with two children.

They had christenings with an eye to getting into church schools. Also to please MIL. The school thing doesn't apply in Scotland.

You see, it DOESN'T have to cost £600 for the trip. They could get the train for half of that, or they could accept FIL's really generous offer to pay for the flights.

I think the lack of church bit makes it seem less "important". I think even naming ceremonies have, well, a ceremony.

Can your DH not talk to his brother. It's between them really.

Christening party without the christening??

It's just a party, and you're being ridiculously unreasonable to imagine anyone would want to pay £600 for the privilege of attending.
How much they spend on holidays is completely irrelevant.

Perhaps their marriage is in trouble and the thought of having an argumental weekend travelling to see family (and staying with them) and having to cope with their kids and giving up annual leave and........

Agree your DH needs to think more positively about himself and not need the adulation/ prescence/ agreement of his brother. I know I've not found the right word.

Think what I'm trying to say is

You should be looking forward to the party where you celebrate the birth of your baby without needing his brother there.