To think that if you can afford two holidays in one summer then you can afford to come to your niece's christening?

[TooImmatureTurtleDoves]

I know it's unreasonable to complain about what my BIL and SIL choose to spend their money on, but I'm so angry I need to vent!

We're having a christening-type party for DD in Aug. Before I booked the date I checked with my parents and PIL to make sure they were free. BIL then called DH to say he wasn't sure they would be able to come due to the cost of flights. He said it would cost £900 to fly 2 adults and 2 kids (age 6 and 2) from London to Edinburgh and back. DH idolises his big brother and was crushed. It turned out that FIL had offered to pay for the flights and BIL had said no. We said they could stay with us, so there would be no accommodation costs.

I know I was stirring, but I looked up flights and they would cost £567 with BA, so I sent SIL the quote. I know, I know, but I was so pissed off with them! I know that's still a huge amount of money for a weekend.

However, I also know a few other things.

1. They went on holiday to the South of France a few weeks back and came back saying that looking after their kids was so exhausting, they were going to go again without them. This trip is booked for the end of Aug. The kids will be staying with PIL for a week. That's a 2 yo staying with relatives whom she doesn't see a lot of, for a whole week.
2. BIL is a banker and their idea of being short of money is not the same as mine. As I said in the title, their notion of being broke includes not 1 but 2 holidays a summer.
3. There are other means of transport than planes! Train fares would cost about £275. Yes, the trip is 4.5 hours each way on the train, and they have issues with entertaining their own kids (see point 1 above), but sometimes, you have to suck it up and put yourselves out a little for family!
4. DH is really upset by this.
5. We schlepped to London for both their kids' christenings, and we did it because that's what you do for family!

We're going to see them next weekend at PIL's - it's going to be really awkward, especially because SIL will be in full self-justification mode and I'm not sure I'll be able to remain polite.

So tell me, AIBU or are they?

I love the way people breezily say 'oh they could take the train'. As if 5 hours on a train, round-trip in one weekend, with a 6 yo and a 2 yo, is no big deal

YABU and judgy, massively so

I dOnt think it matters that it isn't a formal christening, I wouldn't do this trip for a christening or a naming ceremony. What I would do is encourage DH to go whilst I stayed home with the kids.

YABU Someone saying "Too expensive", doesn't literally mean that someone cannot afford it, it means they are not willing to spend that amount of money on something. And 500 quid (even 200) or indeed even a weekend that costs nothing but the time and hassle if it involves 20 hours of travelling can easily be too expensive for even very rich people.

There's certainly no way I'd go to a Naming Party, Christening or anything similar of a niece of mine, I'd be pretty unlikely to go a wedding or similar in such a situation, it's very expensive for really nothing of real importance or interest.

So YABVU and I can't understand why you think it's so important that they sacrifice so much time and money for your (or your DH's) benefit.

I understand why you feel hurt but to be quite honest I wouldn't do that long trip with 2 kids and in reality be spending hours in a train with no guarantee of a seat.

Holidays are different as its longer between journeys and it's your destination choice.

You sound a teeny bit jealous of their finances and of your sil, to send them journey costs sounds a bit needy. ( though she sounds a bit of a pita)

Enjoy the company of those true friends who want to attend and focus on the real issues, your dds party, not them or their lifestyle.

Perhaps you can suggest DH has a weekend away or something with BIL. Say DH was so looking forward to seeing him blah blah blah. That would make up.
You might change your mind OP when you have two DCs to entertain on long journeys.
Shame they won't come but it is alot to ask imo.

I'm so sorry about your first baby Too

If you are seeing tour relatives this weekend, could you have a little toast to your DD with BIL and SIL?

I agree with wilsonfrickett. OP I think you are B a bit U, and you sound a little bit like you enjoy some family drama, sorry.

I'm sorry to read about your first baby.

16 weeks... Lovely! Congratulations!

Have just had a peek at your profile. Can see it's important to you. Hope you have a lovely day.

am I the only person who read the bit about FIL paying for the travel, and the OP and her DH putting them up? It would end up costing them very little indeed.

And how horrible some of the comments are about the party - I would definitely go to such a thing for my niece, whether it was an established religious ceremony or not - if it was important to my sister it would be important to me. What a miserable, non-family minded lot some of you are.

My mum had a party just after my niece and my cousin's son were born, it was a joint meet-the-babies and an aunt's birthday party - and the whole family piled down to London from Scotland for it.

OP - yanbu to feel hurt, though there's precious little you can do about it other than support your husband. I would feel so crushed if my sister acted like this. And if getting the whole family to come is too difficult, couldn't at least your BIL come on his own?

I'm with the majority here YABU

That is a long way to travel and sorry but why should they sacrifice their family holiday to go to your party?

If I were you I would just accept they aren't coming and be understanding about it and keep your feelings to yourself because if you make comments about them not coming to family/friends etc you will probably make yourself look a bit silly

they wouldn't be sacrificing their holiday.

YANBU to be angry. You're having a formal welcoming of your child into the world -that matters, and is more than 'just a party'! And family matters too, and they should understand that and make the effort. I'm sorry that they don't seem to feel the same.

i think where your going wrong is having all these expectaions on other people, and what they should do.
not everyone is the same, if you expect things from others its sure to lead to dissapointment
so yabu

YABVU They obviously don't want to go. If they had wanted to they would have taken FILs money or suggested the train without being pushed or just been a lot more enthusiastic about the whole thing.

I personally wouldn't want to schlepp up and down the country with 2 children by plane for a naming ceremony, there is certainly no way I'd be taking the train. I might at a push do it for a christening, but not a naming ceremony where it's not going to be official.

Yabu

Even if they could get their quote in half it's still a lot of money to spend on getting to a christening. Then there's all the other costs that creep in, food, coffees, transport to and from airports / train station. Do they need a hotel? They already have other short trips planned, or they may prefer to spend that money going on day trips, seeing as its summer.

Whatever their financial situation, it's a lot of money to spend on a weekend and its not going to be relaxing with young kids.

I had a similar party for my dcs. Whilst it was lovely that some people put a lot oe time and energy into attending even coming from abroad, I would never have had am expectation they would/should attend.
Bil has been supportive around the birth and will see baby shortly so will have already seen baby twice in first few months. I can understand them not wanting to spend a weekend traveling with kids for a baby s party. WHy not celebrate with them when you see them? Also it does seem am over reaction for your dh to be "crushed"
That his db can't attend. I think you need to stop sending travel quotes , its rude and pressuring.

Yabu but have a great party

OP- they WOULD need annual leave to attend an event in Scotland on a Saturday, otherwise you would be asking them to do the 5 hours train journey in the morning with the kids, THEN the party, one night's sleep, then five hour train journey back home on the Sunday followed by work on a Monday morning.

Susitwo- I am VERY family minded and chief organiser of all family gatherings, BUT a 800 mile round trip with 2 young DCS over a two day period would put me off and I would probably arrange a longer visit another time. Also, no they wouldn't be sacrificing their holiday but the holidays might have used up all their money/annual leave/ or energy.

However, I sense the SIL, BIL and OP don't like each other much.

YANBU. It's a one-off special family occasion. You make the effort.

ahhggg , terrible typing on my last post! I was trying to say they "may" have other short trips planned.

Even if there is an offer to pay for their transport costs, it's still a massive ask.

I wouldn't go for London to Edinburgh for the weekend with two children on the train. My absolute max is 2 hours. Any longer than that is a nightmare. And I wouldn't spend £600-900 on flights either, whether I could afford it or not. It's an enormous amount of money to spend on going to an afternoon party when it's not the only opportunity to see your family.

I can see it's important to you OP, but I think you might need to try not to take it so personally.

£275 (smallest amount you've quoted) for a weekend in which you spend 9 hours there and back on the train with two small children.

Have you tried spending that amount of time on a train with small ones? I have. Even the best behaved ones get bored and tired, then you've got the near missing the train at Birmingham, the not getting seats together despite booking together at Carlile, and finding you're booked in the quiet carriage with people that sigh and tut every time you children whisper something. Phew!

I don't know where you're coming from but that's not a small amount to pay. To put it another way, we paid £300 for our holiday house last year. For 10 days . yes it was a good deal, but I'd feel really irritated with a relative thinking it was a "small amount".

Personally if it was a relative I wanted to keep up with I'd rather spend the money and go down and see them. Not them with a houseful of guests, but spend time with them. It'll cost the same, then can stay potentially for longer and you'll all be more relaxed.

Come to that-you can spend the money and visit them...

There is something way way waaaay more valuable than money. Time. Even multi millionaires can't buy time.

They may not HAVE to use annual holiday (although as previous poster said about doing it in 48 hours would be Herculean), but they would have to use their precious family time to come to your party. They have decided that time is better spent elsewhere other than your party. It doesn't make them better or worse or anything else, just more focused on what they want to do eith their own time.

Have a lovely time, you deserve it after what you have been through. Try not to let these people put a blight on it, they ae nothing to you really and your focus should be spent on supporting your DH who prob feels quite shit about it x

YABU christenings are an official event but not one I would personally spend upwards of 500 quid attending. You on the other hand are having a party to celebrate the fact you have a child. It's certainly not a party for the baby as the baby won't have a clue what's going on. Parties for other peoples children are generally very dull so I don't blame them at all. Sounds hellish. I really don't understand why you would have a party at all, a christening has a purpose, your party has no purpose other than for people to congratulate you and your partner, very odd IMO

I'm sorry about your first daughter TwoImmature.

I don't think it's less important because it's not a christening. I just wondered if you had made the significance of the party known to your ILs. Perhaps they don't realise what it means to you and your DH?