To think that if you can afford two holidays in one summer then you can afford to come to your niece's christening?

[TooImmatureTurtleDoves]

I know it's unreasonable to complain about what my BIL and SIL choose to spend their money on, but I'm so angry I need to vent!

We're having a christening-type party for DD in Aug. Before I booked the date I checked with my parents and PIL to make sure they were free. BIL then called DH to say he wasn't sure they would be able to come due to the cost of flights. He said it would cost £900 to fly 2 adults and 2 kids (age 6 and 2) from London to Edinburgh and back. DH idolises his big brother and was crushed. It turned out that FIL had offered to pay for the flights and BIL had said no. We said they could stay with us, so there would be no accommodation costs.

I know I was stirring, but I looked up flights and they would cost £567 with BA, so I sent SIL the quote. I know, I know, but I was so pissed off with them! I know that's still a huge amount of money for a weekend.

However, I also know a few other things.

1. They went on holiday to the South of France a few weeks back and came back saying that looking after their kids was so exhausting, they were going to go again without them. This trip is booked for the end of Aug. The kids will be staying with PIL for a week. That's a 2 yo staying with relatives whom she doesn't see a lot of, for a whole week.
2. BIL is a banker and their idea of being short of money is not the same as mine. As I said in the title, their notion of being broke includes not 1 but 2 holidays a summer.
3. There are other means of transport than planes! Train fares would cost about £275. Yes, the trip is 4.5 hours each way on the train, and they have issues with entertaining their own kids (see point 1 above), but sometimes, you have to suck it up and put yourselves out a little for family!
4. DH is really upset by this.
5. We schlepped to London for both their kids' christenings, and we did it because that's what you do for family!

We're going to see them next weekend at PIL's - it's going to be really awkward, especially because SIL will be in full self-justification mode and I'm not sure I'll be able to remain polite.

So tell me, AIBU or are they?

Agree with Allibaba, that the fact there is no church service is a red herring.

As a vicar I'm glad when people chose a naming ceremony or simple thanks giving rather than have a baptism. It's often family pressure.

So OP YANBU for having a party, it should be an important or special day, with or without the wider family

I would happily not attend christenings too . And a civil wedding has a legal and social significance that a naming ceremony - and even a christening - just doesn't.

Even on the train over £300 (or taking money off my parents!), hours of travelling with small children and a lost weekend wouldn't appeal to me.

Come on OP - your bil and his wife are busy people with young children and you expect them to welcome trekking 400 miles with two young children at substantial cost - whoever's paying, it's expensive. Try not to see it as a rejection of you and dd. It's just a lot of hassle and expense that they don't want to engage in.

If it was a big FAMILY thing then I would hope they would attend.

If it is mainly your friends who they don't know, then I can quite understand their reluctance.

YABU
They have decided what works best for them. Get over it.

I hate all this 'second-guessing what other people might want you to do' nonsense. I certainly wouldn't want someone to come to one of my things out of a feeling of obligation. I only want people to be there if they want to be there.

I don't think I'd travel that distance to attend a Christening or a children's party, sorry.

Anyway clearly they don't want to come, or don't want to spend that amount on it, which is their decision to make. I'm not sure what you can do other than accept that, you just make yourselves look needy and annoying otherwise.

All you lot saying that it is 'just' a party - do you decline invitations to civil wedding ceremonies on the same basis?

No because a civil partnership, to me, is as valid as a wedding.

A naming party has no legal or religious meaning, so unless it was local, I wouldn't bend over backwards to go to one. If a SIL didn't accept my refusal and STILL sent me quotes insisting I go, as OP did, I most definitely wouldn't go!

NB I am not against naming ceremony parties, but weddings, funerals and baptisms would come above them on my priority list. To me, it smacks of a renewal of vows. All very nice, harmless, and lovely, but not a serious social obligation.

If it was an actual christening I might feel differently as that is a special one-off event in the child's life.

A party in your home during which you will show off your new baby is not the same. They can see her any time, presumably? And if they don't, then that explains why they're not fussed about this.

YABU-maybe they just dont want to come.Tbh i would probably choose 2 holidays over paying for flights to a "christening style party".i know that sounds a bit harsh,sorry!

I dont think cost is the issue (after all there are cheap flights operating between Edinburgh and London, you quote BA who are not cheap!) this is just an excuse, they dont want to come. But I would feel like you. Would they have been annoyed or upset or angry if you hadnt have gone to their childrens christenings?

As for civil weddings/ceremonies - I would go if it was a close friend/sibling's wedding. I probably wouldn't be bothered about going if it was their child's wedding though.

If it's an actual christening you can make people come by having them as godparents

and tbh i wouldnt expect people to come that far for a party or a christening!But then im not religious.

It may not be the money they can't afford, it might be the time.

If they are going on holiday in Aug they might not have enough spare weekends to come to your DD's party.

We had to miss our niece's christening because at the time my DH could not take the time off work.

Maybe they don't want to come to see someone who judges their parenting, discusses their money situation, and criticises the arrangements they have made with other relatives.

I wouldn't want to spend hundreds of pounds and a whole weekend for that. Especially for an ersatz christening.

I also agree that people expect others to travel huge distances to attend family/friends events. It can get too much, especially with DC and busy working lives.

I don't think christenings are recognised by the law - that's why the baby is registered shortly after birth.

I don't think family relationships are as simple as black and white 'not liking each other'. I know it may not seem like it on here, but I gave an example of behaviour I disliked. I don't dislike BIL at all, and SIL can be very nice but she has had a very different life to me and sometimes she does come across as spoilt. There has been endless trouble between her and PIL, which DH and I have kept out of except to try to pour oil on troubled waters. I am sorry that someone thinks I'm drip-feeding, but it's hard to know what to put in and what not to in an OP, and there's a lot of detail in 6 or 7 years of relationships.

I dislike their behaviour, not them, if that makes any sense.

especially if there wasn't actually any wedding or ceremony, just a party!

I think this is one of the things where you see how people's priorities may be different from yours, and that priorities change.

Yes, you and DP schlepped down to their DC's christenings - but I bet it was before you and DH had your DD, and I'll also bet you had a great time in London 'round about' the Christenings.

While I don't get the snippiness about a naming ceremony 'just being a party', (we had a naming ceremony because we're not religious and felt it had equal weight with any Christening) I wouldn't expect someone to trail their 2 children all round the country for one, short event. I certainly wouldn't do 2 x London to Edinburgh train journeys with DCs just for one weekend, that's madness! And I'm sure, given they're having two holidays, that your DBIL doesn't have any annual leave left to make it a longer trip either

You asked them to attend, you have to accept that they're entitled to say 'no' - and frankly, without it being that big of a deal.

Ephiny - but you would go to a church wedding of a friend or sibling's child?

You see now if it was me, I would come to your do, and have a jolly time welcoming your baby into the world,

But I never go to christening, as I don't approve of them, so I would be a hypocrite to do so.

Can't you just see them at family events, make polite small-talk, then get on with your lives and not really ever think about them?

Because that's basically what I do! And my ILs are perfectly nice people, it just doesn't occur to me to care or give a second thought about what they do or don't do. You seem a bit obsessed with them and their 'behaviour' and lifestyle.

maybe they sense that you dont really like them and find you too judgemental so they would rather stay away.

sorry for slow typing/reading!

BIL came to see DD when she was born - long story, but PIL were away for 6 weeks and he came so DH would have someone on hand. Our first baby was stillborn so they thought he needed someone.

My DD is 16 weeks, Katherine.

I really didn't think it mattered that it's not a formal christening and I'm surprised so many people think it does.

It wouldn't take up any annual leave - it's on a Saturday afternoon.

Alibaba no no I didn't mean any distinction between church/civil weddings, it's all the same to me really. More the difference between your sibling/friend's own major life event and that of their children, if that makes sense...