To think that if you can afford two holidays in one summer then you can afford to come to your niece's christening?

[TooImmatureTurtleDoves]

I know it's unreasonable to complain about what my BIL and SIL choose to spend their money on, but I'm so angry I need to vent!

We're having a christening-type party for DD in Aug. Before I booked the date I checked with my parents and PIL to make sure they were free. BIL then called DH to say he wasn't sure they would be able to come due to the cost of flights. He said it would cost £900 to fly 2 adults and 2 kids (age 6 and 2) from London to Edinburgh and back. DH idolises his big brother and was crushed. It turned out that FIL had offered to pay for the flights and BIL had said no. We said they could stay with us, so there would be no accommodation costs.

I know I was stirring, but I looked up flights and they would cost £567 with BA, so I sent SIL the quote. I know, I know, but I was so pissed off with them! I know that's still a huge amount of money for a weekend.

However, I also know a few other things.

1. They went on holiday to the South of France a few weeks back and came back saying that looking after their kids was so exhausting, they were going to go again without them. This trip is booked for the end of Aug. The kids will be staying with PIL for a week. That's a 2 yo staying with relatives whom she doesn't see a lot of, for a whole week.
2. BIL is a banker and their idea of being short of money is not the same as mine. As I said in the title, their notion of being broke includes not 1 but 2 holidays a summer.
3. There are other means of transport than planes! Train fares would cost about £275. Yes, the trip is 4.5 hours each way on the train, and they have issues with entertaining their own kids (see point 1 above), but sometimes, you have to suck it up and put yourselves out a little for family!
4. DH is really upset by this.
5. We schlepped to London for both their kids' christenings, and we did it because that's what you do for family!

We're going to see them next weekend at PIL's - it's going to be really awkward, especially because SIL will be in full self-justification mode and I'm not sure I'll be able to remain polite.

So tell me, AIBU or are they?

Did you tell them it was a Naming Ceremony or did you say 'Christening type thing? One sounds important, the other sounds like a knees-up with friends.
Also if you are seeing them this weekend and you want to see them again in August that's a lot of travelling for them. They will make excuses to make you feel better when probably they just don't want to come, so don't be too harsh on them! Even if the weekend wasn't going to cost me a penny I still wouldn't jump at the chance.

Ah, I can see why your naming ceremony means so much to you Too, and it will be beautiful. They should come as a family obligation, but they don't feel the pull in the way you obviously do. Just let it go, and be with the people who want to celebrate with you.

My relatives made the trek for my first dd but not for my second. My mum was upset, but I thought it was a long way for them to come and they just didn't have the energy at that time. Your BIL has two kids and probably works hard. It's quite difficult to take a weekend out in the summer as well as take your holidays - especially when you have to do it all in the six weeks the eldest is off school.

londonone - just because someone isn't having a religious ceremony, it doesn't make the whole thing any less important. It's welcoming a child into the world.

Having said that, I wouldn't go because of distance/cost/hassle but I would apologise

YANBU you are feeling hurt but you/the event is not important enough to them or the holidays have used up all of their spare cash.

It'll pass :)

Dowagers hump - sorry I disagree it has naff all to do with welcoming the child, the child hasn't a clue what's going on. It's basically a self congratulatory party for the parents. I understand that for the parents the birth of their child is the most wonderful and amazing thing, for everyone else it's not that interesting

I can understand how hurt you feel.
I do however think that you have to accept that they simply do not want to come. there is nothing else you can do so stop focussing any more energy on them.

so sorry for the loss of your first dd
i can actually see why thats changes things

Their loss, don't invite them again or say the invite must have got lost in the post :)

I do think YABU. It is a long way to travel, for what is basically a piss up in the village hall, where the only people they will know are you and your PIL.

They have declined, so just leave it at that and dont turn it into a long running family feud, it really is not worth it.

I would not go all that way for a party either.

TITD, given your latest post about the birth and death of your first baby I now think

YANBU

You must be going through so many emotions and I can fully understand why you want to celebrate the safe birth of your second child. I can also understand why you would like your wider family to be there for you both.

Your OH must be finding it hard and your emotions will be heightened.

You somehow need to calmly explain to them why TA so important but give them room to explain why they can't come

Enjoy every minute with your new born and take a deep breath every time you get a negative thought about other peoples priorities, you can't change them, just love them as they are

It does sound from your OP, that you don't like them and do not approve of them.

I am sure they know this too.

That must have been a contributing factor. I would not travel that far with 2 kids, for a party by someone who doesn't even like me.

YABU but you've already accepted that :) I can see why this party ('cos that's what it is) for your safely-arrived DD (congratulations!) means more to you than it would to most people but I'm with your ILs on this one. Expense aside as your PILs offered to pay, if I were in their situation I probably wouldn't come just for the weekend. If we were going to come to see you at some point anyway then I would try to reschedule around your party date though.

I have actually been in the reverse situation with the baptism of my nephew earlier this year. We were looking at upwards of £3000 for two 14 hour flights to a very hot place with a pregnant me and a 2yo and decided that actually, we didn't want to go. SIL was not pleased but we had to make the right decision for our family. She has been moaning on about how we've been on a few holidays this year and we should have come to the baptism but it's really none of her business how we choose to spend our money.

Personally I wouldn't trail from London to Edinburgh for a christening no matter how many holidays I was having a year.
The cost wouldn't have anything to do with it.
Therefore yABU.

Christenings aren't compulsory family member or not!

Also, as Chandon said, she does not like me and I don't like her very much either so that was probably the deciding factor in our decision not to go. Had she been lovely we might possibly have gone but even if we hadn't we would have actually felt bad about it.

Why do they need to get flights? Trains cost far far less...

Is it a baby naming or just a party. A baby naming has some sort of ceremony.

Try not to take it personally Too, I know that's hard but it is a great distance even if they fly - possibly an hour or more to the airport, hanging around the airport for at least an hour, an hour's flight, getting out of the airport an hour and then to wherever they're staying. I'm sure they're not doing it as a slur but are probably daunted by the practicalities of it all. I know I would be, especially if they have to do it the Saturday and go back the Sunday. Enjoy your baby's christening party and take lots of pictures. Don't hold it against them as I really don't think they're doing it to be horrible. If anyone brings up you coming up with cheaper flights just say it was really important for your DH to have his brother there then just leave it.

Why do they need to get flights? Trains cost far far less...

Because they are a dammed sight quicker than spending your week travelling up and down motorways.

YANBU - if you went to their kids christenings they should come to yours. Nevermind all the other stuff!

YANBU - if you went to their kids christenings they should come to yours
It's not compulsory!! If the OP didn't want to go it was her right to refuse. She chose to go. Just as it is the BIL's family's right NOT to go.

I was all set to say YABU, but given what you must have gone through around the time of your first baby's birth, I would make special efforts to be there for whatever celebration you had planned for your DD. That's a far more significant detail than the cost of the flights or how many holidays they've had this year - and I can understand why that might make you feel more hurt than normal. It's a shame your BIL can't fly up, at least.

(Even though, in general, I have to agree with those people who've said 'a christening type thing' suggests that you consider it a party, rather than a ceremony, and I'm not sure that normally justifies the stress of transporting two small kids from one end of the country to the other.)

Think about it this way, would you really want them to come given that they clearly don't want to? Not much of a party with resentful guests who don't really want to be there but have been nagged/guilted into it (and from the sounds of it, who you don't really like or approve of much anyway?).

Let it go and enjoy your party with those who want to celebrate and are glad to be invited!

Wow. So you think it's okay to judge how your BIL and SIL spend their money, it's okay to judge how well off they are (which unless you're their accountant or bank manager you have no idea of), you think it's okay to judge them because they dare have a weeks holiday while their children are in the care of trusted close family members and you think they should borrow hundreds of pounds from another relative just so they can be at a non essential social event which is of no great consequence to them and which is held the other end of the country?

You sound a little resentful of their standard of living and tbh don't even sound as if you like your SIL.

Just - wow.

sticking my neck out here ( esp as a newbie), but I think the BIl and SIl re the unreasonable ones here - and my reasoning is nothing to do with money/ inconvenience. the OP "schlepped to London for both their kids' christenings, and we did it because that's what you do for family! ", now presumably that was without her own kids in tow, but still - if she was willing to travel to her nieces/nephews christenings, then why can't BIL and SIL travel to OP's kids "christening" (booking a hall etc is a bit more effort than a family party) party

Ambivalence - she had no children and wasn't just going to some poxy tea party in the community center. Completely different things.