Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that if you can afford two holidays in one summer then you can afford to come to your niece's christening?

175 replies

TooImmatureTurtleDoves · 03/07/2012 15:58

I know it's unreasonable to complain about what my BIL and SIL choose to spend their money on, but I'm so angry I need to vent!

We're having a christening-type party for DD in Aug. Before I booked the date I checked with my parents and PIL to make sure they were free. BIL then called DH to say he wasn't sure they would be able to come due to the cost of flights. He said it would cost £900 to fly 2 adults and 2 kids (age 6 and 2) from London to Edinburgh and back. DH idolises his big brother and was crushed. It turned out that FIL had offered to pay for the flights and BIL had said no. We said they could stay with us, so there would be no accommodation costs.

I know I was stirring, but I looked up flights and they would cost £567 with BA, so I sent SIL the quote. I know, I know, but I was so pissed off with them! I know that's still a huge amount of money for a weekend.

However, I also know a few other things.

  1. They went on holiday to the South of France a few weeks back and came back saying that looking after their kids was so exhausting, they were going to go again without them. This trip is booked for the end of Aug. The kids will be staying with PIL for a week. That's a 2 yo staying with relatives whom she doesn't see a lot of, for a whole week.
  2. BIL is a banker and their idea of being short of money is not the same as mine. As I said in the title, their notion of being broke includes not 1 but 2 holidays a summer.
  3. There are other means of transport than planes! Train fares would cost about £275. Yes, the trip is 4.5 hours each way on the train, and they have issues with entertaining their own kids (see point 1 above), but sometimes, you have to suck it up and put yourselves out a little for family!
  4. DH is really upset by this.
  5. We schlepped to London for both their kids' christenings, and we did it because that's what you do for family!

We're going to see them next weekend at PIL's - it's going to be really awkward, especially because SIL will be in full self-justification mode and I'm not sure I'll be able to remain polite.

So tell me, AIBU or are they?

OP posts:
RationalBrain · 03/07/2012 16:01

YABU - maybe its not the actual cost, its just not worth it to them for what it is. It's their choice, and not necessarily a personal sleight. I can understand you're annoyed because you went to their children's christenings, but that was your choice.

uselesslife · 03/07/2012 16:02

Well, it's all relative really. do you really know how much money they have?
Maybe the holidays are free? staying with friends? Maybe they need the time together because they are struggling?
Maybe this trip will be too much of a strain for them

honestly, I would feel the same way you do
But they might have their reasons

Buttwart · 03/07/2012 16:03

Never heard of the TRAIN? It's cheap as chips when booked in advance.

YouOldSlag · 03/07/2012 16:03

Is it a christening or a "christening type party"?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 03/07/2012 16:04

YABU - they obviously want to go on holiday more than they want to go to a christening.........I dont blame them to be honest.

YouOldSlag · 03/07/2012 16:05

Maybe the SIL doesn't like you enough.

perceptionreality · 03/07/2012 16:05

I think YABU, sorry. I think it's understandable you want them to come. But if they don't want to come then equally it's wrong of you to put pressure on in the form of emailing quotes to them. £500 plus to go to a christening is an obscene amount of money and I would not pay that either, banker husband or not!

scurryfunge · 03/07/2012 16:06

Money aside, it may be down to annual leave or they may find family gatherings dull.

Pandemoniaa · 03/07/2012 16:06

What is a "christening type party"? Only I suspect that they may not overly keen on spending hundreds of pounds on one.

Buttwart · 03/07/2012 16:06

I find family gatherings dull.

Pandemoniaa · 03/07/2012 16:06

..."may not be overly keen".

Original poster
TooImmatureTurtleDoves · 03/07/2012 16:07

I suppose I don't know how much free cash they have, but I do think they could afford the train fares. They just don't want to come on the train.

The holidays are definitely not free - it's a swish resort. I saw the pics on FB from holiday no 1. You could be right about them struggling as a couple, though.

I actually feel really hurt, which is weird, given the circumstances. I should be able to think that if they can't afford it, they can't.

OP posts:
WipsGlitter · 03/07/2012 16:07

They don't want to come. Money, ability to cope with kids, number of other holidays they have had - all irrelevant. They just don't want to do it.

You and DH need to accept thats their decision.

NarkedRaspberry · 03/07/2012 16:07

They don't want to give up a weekend and £600+ for a 'christening-type party.' Their choice.

Buttwart · 03/07/2012 16:08

It's rubbing salt into it a bit though isn't it, when they go on fancy holidays and say they can't afford your christening party, it's no wonder you feel a bit stung by it.

Original poster
TooImmatureTurtleDoves · 03/07/2012 16:08

Christening type party means one without the church part. I need to come up with a better name for it. Naming party, perhaps?

OP posts:
TheFidgetySheep · 03/07/2012 16:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouOldSlag · 03/07/2012 16:09

Hmm. Bit like a wedding reception without the wedding then.

Original poster
TooImmatureTurtleDoves · 03/07/2012 16:09

perception, I agree I was being U with the quotes!

OP posts:
LAlady · 03/07/2012 16:10

I think, in all honesty, I'd rather spend that money on a holiday than attending a family christening type party (is it an actual Christening?)

NarkedRaspberry · 03/07/2012 16:10

So, a party. I'm sorry that they don't want to go to your party.

TheBitchHiker · 03/07/2012 16:11

Sounds like they just don't want to come, I doubt the oney is anything to do with it. Generally you can find the money if you seriously want to do something.

Sad for your DH, but there's nothing you can do about it.

Pandemoniaa · 03/07/2012 16:11

It might well be that they don't recognise the event as anything significant. I like naming ceremonies and would treat one as a meaningful celebration but I know that my former ILS would have been most sniffy and probably utterly disinterested in attending. It might be that your BIL and SIL feel similarly and are attempting to let you down lightly by using the cost as an excuse not to attend.

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 03/07/2012 16:11

how would they react if you decided not to go to one of their big family events?

this is the deciding factor for me. I'm not in the 'it's the choice only' camp like some on here. if they'd be cool with you not coming then fine. but if they're the double standard type where you're expected to toe the line and come to their events whatever the cost, inconvenience then it's not really on.

some family dynamics work like this...it can be very hard to break free

TheCrackFox · 03/07/2012 16:12

Tbh I don't think I would cough up £600 (just on travel) on a Christening type party. A lot of money and general effort.