To think that if you can afford two holidays in one summer then you can afford to come to your niece's christening?

[TooImmatureTurtleDoves]

I know it's unreasonable to complain about what my BIL and SIL choose to spend their money on, but I'm so angry I need to vent!

We're having a christening-type party for DD in Aug. Before I booked the date I checked with my parents and PIL to make sure they were free. BIL then called DH to say he wasn't sure they would be able to come due to the cost of flights. He said it would cost £900 to fly 2 adults and 2 kids (age 6 and 2) from London to Edinburgh and back. DH idolises his big brother and was crushed. It turned out that FIL had offered to pay for the flights and BIL had said no. We said they could stay with us, so there would be no accommodation costs.

I know I was stirring, but I looked up flights and they would cost £567 with BA, so I sent SIL the quote. I know, I know, but I was so pissed off with them! I know that's still a huge amount of money for a weekend.

However, I also know a few other things.

1. They went on holiday to the South of France a few weeks back and came back saying that looking after their kids was so exhausting, they were going to go again without them. This trip is booked for the end of Aug. The kids will be staying with PIL for a week. That's a 2 yo staying with relatives whom she doesn't see a lot of, for a whole week.
2. BIL is a banker and their idea of being short of money is not the same as mine. As I said in the title, their notion of being broke includes not 1 but 2 holidays a summer.
3. There are other means of transport than planes! Train fares would cost about £275. Yes, the trip is 4.5 hours each way on the train, and they have issues with entertaining their own kids (see point 1 above), but sometimes, you have to suck it up and put yourselves out a little for family!
4. DH is really upset by this.
5. We schlepped to London for both their kids' christenings, and we did it because that's what you do for family!

We're going to see them next weekend at PIL's - it's going to be really awkward, especially because SIL will be in full self-justification mode and I'm not sure I'll be able to remain polite.

So tell me, AIBU or are they?

Hmm, I'm afraid I'm with YouOldSlag on this one, it's a pretend christening. I would make the treck for a christening, a wedding, a civil partnership, but I wouldn't go to extraordinary lengths to go to a party for no real reason (christening type party, commitment ceremony, etc). If it worked in with my own plans, I'd go, but if there was something else I had planned on doing then I would go ahead and do that instead.

They could. But they don't want to. And it's not really for you to condemn their christenings as mere devices for getting their children into church schools. By doing so you are actually being a tad hypocritical given that you suspect they aren't treating your naming ceremony with any respect.

You could take your BiL to one side and explain that you were being persistent as you knew ,it had meant so much to his brother(your OH) that he was there to join in the welcoming the baby into family ceremony,

or you could just let it go, which would probably be the best thing,

As for the two year old staying with it's grandparents, don't resent that, it will probably be lovely for all of them, a real chance to get to know one another.

You don't know but they might be having problems and need this time to work through some stuff.

Almost anything you say will just make you seem neurotic, so be as pleasant as possible and send them a slice of cake.

I agree completely with Journey. It's loads of money for a weekend and at least your PIL don't have to cough up for them.

I think it's an almighty ask really to expect someone to travel the length of the country to attend a christening and incurr what will realistically be closer to £1k by the time travel, food, drink, gift etc are all taken into consideration. It isn't the type of journey you can do in a day and will presumably require them to use a days holiday to travel down the day before and after.

I wouldn't do it. I'd rather spend the time and money on something else.

I wouldn't want to spend several hours on a train, with 2 very young children. And neither would I take money off someone else to pay for the flights if I thought it was an unecessarily large amount of money.

And I'm starting to think you're drip feeding here. The little dig about your BIL getting his DCs christened only to get them into church schools, yes?

Would you have preferred it if they'd said "actually, we don't want to come, thanks for the invitation but it's not really our thing"?

I mean, is it really the money excuse that bothers you, or that fact that they clearly don't want to come to your party?

You know, this leaves you free to decide whether you want to go to their next 'event', and not feel like you have to go just cos they are family. How lovely to be able to be relaxed with family, and not have to keep stiffly doing the "right thing" to please each other.

I'd also echo the posters who have pointed out that if it's not your child, it's sometimes hard to get as excited about events like this.

I don't think it's a case of them not caring about your family (as suggested by some), just that spending this much money and time isn't top of their list - you don't know what else they have planned or to deal with at this time.

If they're seeing the family at other times, maybe they feel it's not like they're missing out on that part of it.

A naming ceremony is often done when parents want a party without the religious bit.

I was brought up as Catholic. People didn't make a huge fuss if relatives couldn't make it to a baptism. No-one would have been expected to fork out £600 to attend one!

Seems like the OP did just that though - two trips to London for the BIL's DCs...

TBH OP it's really obvious you don't like them and they probably know this.

If a stranger on an internet forum can tell, then I'm pretty sure they've picked up on it!

It's not a christening so you can't compare it. They don't want to/can't do it. YABVVU.

What's the non-christening version of Bridezilla? It's a bit that.

MAybe your BIL doesnt want to take a hand out from his dad. I know I wouldn't.

Travelling from London to Edinburgh during the festival season is not cheap either by plane or train.

YANBU

All you lot saying that it is 'just' a party - do you decline invitations to civil wedding ceremonies on the same basis?

OP - we had naming parties for both our boys, and to us it was as important as a christening, a formal welcome into the family.
For whatever reason they just don't want to come, which I think is horrid unless there is bad feeling between you all for anything else. What do the PILs think?

People aren't usually expected to travel from one end of the country to the other for a christening or naming ceremony. It's nice if they can come but perfectly reasonable of them to think it's too far and too expensive. I think most families that I know would see it in this way. It is a shame that your DH is so disappointed.

Civil ceremonies are recognised by the law - are naming ceremonies? I genuiely don't have a clue.

They just don't want to come, I don't think it's about the money.

I know it might be a bit upsetting that your in-laws feel this way but imagine how awkward it would be if they did show up after you sending them quotes?! It'd ruin your little girl's day so just leave it.

Also, your DH might stop idolising his big brother when he sees that he's not willing to come to his niece's christening/party/whateveritis! Have they ever seen the baby?

Agree with OldSlag the OP's distaste and censure towards her BIL & SIL is coming through loud and clear on the Internet in just half a dozen posts.

Lordy only knows how glaringly obvious it must be for them IRL

Can't blame them for not wanting to shell out £££s to go to a party where the hostess clearly doesn't like them.

How old is your dd?

I wouldn't go. It is alot of money for 1 day and no way would I want someone else to pay.

YABU. Leave them alone.

Throckenholt, I think you're right about helping DH to deal with it. And whoever said that about their priorities being different to ours was right too. I think I just need to get over it before this weekend so as to be normal with them. Right, IABU, it's not them...

SIL only thinks her family is important, despite talking the talk. I think BIL may well end up coming alone - we'll see what the chat is this weekend.

Are christenings recognised by the law, crrackfox?

Why cannot you have a personal celebration when you see each other next week?

I understand that it is nice for whole family to get together but, you don't know what may be going on behind the scenes.

I haven't attended my DP's family celebrations when we have been going through a tough time and discussed a possible split.

Their trip away might be a deal breaker situation, for all you know.

On a different note, a Christening welcomes the baby into the Church, the day you register the baby, the baby is named. You are mearly having a party, which they might not see the significance of.