AIBU to say something about a self harming nursery worker at my daughters nursery

[savlonqueen]

I have noticed at the nursery my daughters attend that one of the members of staff seem to be self harming not at work im sure but has the very obvious scars on her arm some of which are just healing
I have also seen more appear over the last week and a half

Bit of background info:
She is not the key worker for any of my daughters but she is one of the more bubbly members of staff who makes an effort to talk to all the parents kind of thing and she is the one who seems to get everything done especially when my daughters dippy key worker does not seem to have a clue so i dont want it to be thought of as i dont like her in fact i have asked several times for her to be my daughters key worker but told the key worker list is set and it will be reviewed blah blah

So my AIBU is should i say something to her or the manager because surely someone should of noticed and be getting her some help or support and i dont want to do nothing because my daughter came home today and was concerned as only a 3 year old can be that she has hurt herself from a cat (its what the woman had told my daughter when she asked her) and drawn her a picture to make her feel better along with several flowers from my garden to make her feel better and this is going to be awkward when we give them to the woman tomorrow

I've severely self harmed for the past 12 years, the only thing that stopped me recently was being pregnant and now looking at my beautiful baby. I haven't cut myself for 12 months now. I can't try to explain to anybody why I do it, but it's a complusion that comes over me, that I HAVE to do it, like breathing. Very hard to explain.

Luckily my dh doesn't, and never has, judged me. I was open right from the beginning about my mental health issues, actually on our very first night together! He hadn't actually noticed my scars, probably too busy looking elsewhere even though they are very noticeable. I used to try to cover them up as much as possible, and it's only in the last few years that I won't wear long sleeves in public when it's hot. I still cover them up for job interviews as I don't want to be judged by marks on my skin.

My old boss was incredibly tactless and very judgmental about them. She used to pointedly stare at them, and I just wished she'd say something instead of staring. Whenever there was an issue at work I'd be told it was because I'm "sensitive"; she had no idea why I'd self harmed (emotional, physical and sexual abuse by various family members, my fiance being killed), which had nothing to do with work.

In contrast as a breath of fresh air my new boss didn't pointedly stare at them, just said that if I was ever feeling low to let her know. She didn't ask about why I'd done it, just that if I ever needed her support to let her know. I came home absolutely beaming to DH about the conversation as it made me feel accepted and judged for who I am and not by my skin. I opened up to my new boss about coming off my meds because of being pregnant. My colleagues don't stare at them.

That's what I hate the most, the staring at them and not just asking me about them! But everybody's different. Having my scars doesn't make me any less capable of my job, I'd never hurt anybody else; in fact I take the hurt within myself. Having my scars doesn't make me any less of a contributing member of society. I'm not proud of them but they are a part of me. If it helps they are a physical sign of my struggle with bi polar, depression and the shit bits of my life.

mangomadness, I agree with everything you said and congrats on being 12 months free.

However, I do think the situation is different if you have a job with children, especially when they are over about 7.

Ravilious mabe you should re read the thread, many posters have pointed out that just because someone is SH doesn't mean they're not getting help. And the OP has made it clear the nursery worker is exemplary at her job, not stressed out by it.

FWIW I do appreciate posters however being honest about their views when presented without horrific and vile opinions like GG's

I for one have only started letting scars show as I've slowly got better and can face the questions.

On the subject of "educating" I think it's clear the OP has had little experience with SH but is coming across as caring and has taken everything we have said in board, she shouldn't be attacked for that. As someone else said, it may not make things better but it certainly won't make them worse, and at least she has had the opportunity to learn and understand a bit more about SH

I think the OP being concerned and wanting to help is a very good place to start, and she certainly doesn't deserve to be attacked for that.

YABU. This is none of your business.

manic thank you, I do a job which means that I come into contact with people from a few months old to 90+ years! My the top of my uniform has short sleeves so there's no way I can cover up. I've had no comments, think parents and kids are too focused on what's going on to care.

Why is this a concern? if you are worried about her professional conduct please speak to her manager. Otherwise respect her privacy.

"It would worry me that her mental health issues clearly weren't being addressed"

It's kind of hard to explain, but it's possible to be dealing with mental health issues and yet still be self harming. Like a few people have said, it is a way of coping. Not the best way, I grant you that.

It sounds like this might be more about your needs than hers.

She is an adult, who is clearly competent t her job, if what you say is correct.

It isn't your job to rescue her. I know you mean well, but back off.

As a former self harmer who has recently been struggling with feelings of wanting to SH again I'm encouraged by finding others on this thread who are able to talk so openly about it. It's made me think maybe a thread in mental health would be good as support for us all?

I am not trying to rescue her or think i am able to offer any hope solving it for her but i want to think i have done anything i can to be there for her and if she needed it i would be able to help

I also want to make sure that she is okay just from a human to another human as it is just how i was raised if someone is hurting you try and help in any way you can even if it is a small way or just a hug or a cup of tea

You always hear oh well so and so was a quiet/happy person or was not the type to do this or they say we did not feel our place to get involved or well i thought something was wrong but i did not want to offend so and so and something bad has happened to them in the end and just want to make sure it doesnt not because i want to save her but just from a caring one person to another kind of thing

Did GG actually suggest that this woman was engaging in child abuse?????? That is the single most (and i hve been here a LOT longer than my current name shows!) ignorant and stupid things i have EVER read on here. Sometimes i wonder at whether such ignorant posts should be deleted because sometimes i think is better that if someone makes a fuckwit of themselves and with ignorant comments that they are left so people can actually see what idiots they really are! Rather a warning being given on thread by MNHQ about guidlines and you know, general decency???

This thread has been good though, and i really applaud those who have shared with such candid honesty.

OP - i think you should really stop trying to defend your OP. You mean well, we can all see that, but by trying to keep defending your "right" to be caring it makes you seem a bit bull headed. It is ok to say, yep, you guys are right - crap idea. I will care by just being nice and friendly to this person and maybe just make positive comments to the manager about how good this person is at her job. That will filter back to her im sure and make her feel good about herself, you say she is a good childcare worker, so praise where praise is due - whether she has other issues or not, that will be a lovely thing for her to hear.

I also want to make sure that she is okay

She obviously isn't ok, is she. Else she wouldn't be hacking herself up with razorblades.....

But with all due respect, you just need to get your ego around the fact that you don't have the magic power needed to stop her. You care, that's nice. Now (in the nicest possible way) move along.

But its not obvious that she isn't ok because the OP doesnt know that she doesn't have a bastard cat! I used to self harm (not serverely but severely enough to leave some small scars twenty years later) but i have worse scars left from bastard cats that i had to deal with. Just saying, like.

This thread makes very sad and frightened for DD who is just a bout to start a health and social care course, she wants to become a nurse and will have to be 'bare below the elbows'. Over the past year she has self harmed a lot and her arms are a mess. She has now got on top of things. If she is going to be faced with this sort of ignorance and prejudice, I really fear for her. Mind you she is a lot more tolerant and non judgemental than many of the people on this thread, useful qualities in a nurse I would have thought.

Ah, you must be very proud of your DD brightspark - im sure she will make a fantastic nurse. Thankfully most people will just be interested in how your DD does her job and what a nice person she is.

Sometimes i wonder about society and how we are expected to have a "stiff upper lip" and not show our emotions. I wonder if tht is why some people self harm because emotions have to go somewhere - these people probably cope alot better than those who bottle things up.

i see mnhq has been all over the thread, so i stand corrected that GGs posts would not get deleted and quite glad they have.

Thnk you doggiemumma, yes I am proud of how she has turned herself around. She found it impossible to express any negative emotions and this would explode into self harm so I think you have hit the nail on the head. It is something that is so difficult to understand and so hard to see, reading some of these posts have been really helpful.

"but i have worse scars left from bastard cats that i had to deal with"

You are not kidding! I have a scar from my old cat - I was 11 at the time! I'm 28 now! It's stayed longer than most of my self harm scars.

YABU Why you think you have the right to start making this your business is beyond me. You should mind your own, she will prob feel embarrassed by you asking about it. Leave alone.

YABU. You are assuming that she is getting no help for this. How on earth do you know?

I think the OP has got a lot of abuse for just showing her care towards this person. Sure most people who self harm try and hide their scars but everyone is different. I'd speak to her but not in a patronising way if you want to speak to someone. Speaking to someone else may make her even more upset if she is indeed self harming.

At the end of the day though I don't see why people are making comment like 'keep your beak out' that's horrible when all you're doing is showing concern for someones mental state. The poor woman if it's true. If it's not then I am glad.

I hope things get sorted. :)

I genuinely don't understand the animosity towards the OP.

It's highly unlikely, OP, that if this woman is as good at her job as you say she will start opening up to a parent about her mental health issues, if she has any. Are you concerned about her treatment of your daughter or her ability to do her job? If not then I would just leave her be. If you're really worried about her then maybe mention something quietly to her manager, just so that they're aware she might be struggling, but definitely don't 'confront' her yourself.. she will probably just get on the defensive anyway and will more than likely just tell you the same 'cat scratch' story as she told your DD. And this may even be true.. speaking from personal experience of over seven years as a self-harmer, if she was actually an active self-harmer then she'd be more likely to keep her arms covered as much as possible.

I used to work in a nursery and always wore a thin long sleeved top underneath my uniform T-shirt. In the winter I wore a uniform jumper. I didn't want anyone to see the cuts and scars on my arms because I knew it would make them ask questions. So maybe she just does have a very angry cat?

I wouldn't expect anyone to 'be supportive' of my choice (not that it was a choice, you don't choose to be mentally ill) - there's a difference between support and tolerance IMO