AIBU to say something about a self harming nursery worker at my daughters nursery

[savlonqueen]

I have noticed at the nursery my daughters attend that one of the members of staff seem to be self harming not at work im sure but has the very obvious scars on her arm some of which are just healing
I have also seen more appear over the last week and a half

Bit of background info:
She is not the key worker for any of my daughters but she is one of the more bubbly members of staff who makes an effort to talk to all the parents kind of thing and she is the one who seems to get everything done especially when my daughters dippy key worker does not seem to have a clue so i dont want it to be thought of as i dont like her in fact i have asked several times for her to be my daughters key worker but told the key worker list is set and it will be reviewed blah blah

So my AIBU is should i say something to her or the manager because surely someone should of noticed and be getting her some help or support and i dont want to do nothing because my daughter came home today and was concerned as only a 3 year old can be that she has hurt herself from a cat (its what the woman had told my daughter when she asked her) and drawn her a picture to make her feel better along with several flowers from my garden to make her feel better and this is going to be awkward when we give them to the woman tomorrow

i dont think anyone has called savlon nosy, interfering or a busy body - just pointing out that she could do alot of harm if she does interfere, even with the best intentions.

I just want to make sure she is okay

I dont want to say something if it is going to negatively effect her but i also dont want to say nothing incase no one is doing anything and she is dealing with it alone

How do i know that the colleagues have seen and decided to say nothing in case they upset her further and think she must be getting help or she may as you have stated be getting huge amounts of help and my interfering would be damaging

This would be so much easier if the woman was not so completely brilliant snf if my daughter did not love her so much (seriously im pretty sure my daughter would happily trade me in for this woman)

I'd have been mortified if anyone had said anything to me about my selfharm scars. I hid them anyway and I haven't self harmed for well over year now. My mum only found out about four years ago after the death of my father.

I'd suggest you dont say anything at all actually. Its none of your business. If its not interfering with the workers ability to care for your child then I'd leave well alone.

Yes and what does a typical self harmer look like then? Thats got up my nose a bit as well.

Are we supposed to look rough or what?

You will make things worse for her if you tell her manager. It's embarrassing enough when people ask you about scars etc., and you have to explain that you just can't handle things very well an have to do this to yourself so that you can function and feel halfway normal.

If she is doing her job properly that's all you have to worry about, I know you are concerned but just leave her alone, I'm sure she has friends and famiy who know.

It is all coming out wrong but stereotypically and i know its bad to think that but i have no other frame of reference so please forgive me but i just think of it as generally girls who are a bit depressed and sad who wear a lot of long t shirts and generally introverted people.
Im sorry if this is offensive but i dont have a lot of experence with self harming but this is just the perception i have

Where as she is in a short sleeved t shirt all day and is the most upbeat person who is always getting the children involved in a wide range of crazy activities that i would never do in a million years while simultaneously having complete control of the whole room of 30 children and always going the extra mile for every family and child and just being generally outgoing and brilliant again i can not speak more highly of her but i just worry that she is not getting any help and i may randomly hug her which probably wont help so i just need some assurance

It bizzarrely helped me cope with a lot of shit in my life and there's also a lot of ignorance regarding self harm too.

I was terrified to tell people in case I was reported to social services for doing it.

It was never a big issue for me. I did it when I felt awfully low or angry, it felt like a massive release and id instantly be calm. It was like serenity.

I now realise its a stupid thing to do, but I'd have died if anyone would have pointed them out at the time.

A friend pointed them out one night a few months ago to make sure I weren't doing it anymore. This I didn't mind that.

You seem to be thinking of her as if she is a child who needs rescuing. She is a grown woman. She may not be in deep psychological pain....she may be coping ok and not feel her self harming is a problem. If she is struggling emotionally the last thing she may want is to be approached by a parent at her work.

I think you need to look at why you feel you need to reach out to this woman. Are you a rescuer? Is this your emotional need?

I used to self harm when i was very young, depressed and taking things i shouldn't. I haven't once in my life covered up my arms intentionally. Sometimes i think people see them and thing, oh fuck, wierdo. But i have never tried to hide it.

You think she's doing a good job, and if she's friendly with you. I'd maybe just ask her about it, quietly. I'd rather people ask me what the scars are than just make judgements about me in their heads.

sorry savlon but that bit about "generally girls who are a bit depressed and sad who wear a lot of long t shirts and generally introverted people." made me laugh a bit. Mental illness is much more common than you think, and just because someone is mentally ill or depressed it doesn't mean they have to be walking around looking like some sort of teenage emo stereotype. You would be surprised just how many people battle mental illness, it just isn't that obvious.

I really do think you need to take notice when people say that you need to not say anything. It really just isn't your place and if this woman is doing this, can you imagine how mortified she would be if you put it "out there". I think it is nice that you care, but the overwhelming advice on this thread is to let sleeping dogs lie and there is good reason for that.

Yes that feeling after its done. Its so bloody hard to describe to others. I went too far one day though and needed stitches. It frightened me badly and I got proper help after that.

Glad you got help sheeps

I dont cover up either now, people stare so what.

Op I think you need to read up about self harm. I know you possibly mean well but you are coming across as a little ignorant and patronising

Thanks widow, I still get the urge but ive got other coping mechanisms now

I think there are a lot of harsh responses on here savlonqueen and applaud you for consistently trying to re-explain yourself.

I used to self-harm a LOT and the worst time was a boss caught a rare sight (I always wore long sleeves) and made a joke about a boyfriend dumping me. Sigh.

I would say that if she's wearing short t-shirts then hopefully she is getting support or is fine talking about it. That or she's hoping someone will notice. It's very sweet of you to be so concerned

I don't know what to suggest to be honest. I am definately not a "typical" self-harmer (it is still a daily struggle not to do it and have managed to self-harm just three times in about 5years but don't think I'll ever be truly rid of it as a way of coping), outwardly positive and coping and good at my work. Sometimes I would seem MOST positive when I was most in need, sometimes that positivity was sincere because I was feeling ok or because I'd gained some relief because I'd self-harmed. Everyone and every situation is different.

From what I can gather though if she is self-harming, she knows you know and have noticed the marks so if she wants to talk to you she can. I would leave it at that for now.

Definately do not inform her boss...

"I am concerned that she is not typically the type of person who you would normally associate with doing this"

there is no typical slef harmer.

I think you should not speak to her or her line manager. I think this will affect her self esteame and confidence. If you have noticed by accident then her manager and collegues have noticed too.

I would also say that if she is cutting her self in a superficial manner then this is a sign she is coping ok and is a current stratogy. If you notice she is having alot of time off or a change in how she presents herself then by all meansd express your concerns but I fear if you bring this to her attention or hwer managers attention this may really affect her.

I don;t know to this day why i did it, i was a teenager and was a bit wild i guess. It was a release and i was just fascinated by it. I never really cut that deep (i have a couple of scars on my arms and legs but nothing anyone would ever guess at). Ironically after the birth of DD2 i had terrible PND and i didn't self harm then. I tried one day and felt nothing so didn't do it, weird.

OP re your post at 22:30:17

She's doing her job!

Just leave her be if you want her to feel confident enough to continue doing it.

For all you know her work place may be the only place that adults don't point out her scars and make comments.

I dont think you have commited a crime for being ignorant OP most people are ignorant about mental health issues but well done you for wanting to question and raise your own awarness.

GenerationGap what a narrow minded post. She isn't a sodding axe murderer

that has surely got to be a very misguided joke *GenerationGap?

How unbelieveably offensive, ignorant and horrible of you