AIBU to say something about a self harming nursery worker at my daughters nursery

[savlonqueen]

I have noticed at the nursery my daughters attend that one of the members of staff seem to be self harming not at work im sure but has the very obvious scars on her arm some of which are just healing
I have also seen more appear over the last week and a half

Bit of background info:
She is not the key worker for any of my daughters but she is one of the more bubbly members of staff who makes an effort to talk to all the parents kind of thing and she is the one who seems to get everything done especially when my daughters dippy key worker does not seem to have a clue so i dont want it to be thought of as i dont like her in fact i have asked several times for her to be my daughters key worker but told the key worker list is set and it will be reviewed blah blah

So my AIBU is should i say something to her or the manager because surely someone should of noticed and be getting her some help or support and i dont want to do nothing because my daughter came home today and was concerned as only a 3 year old can be that she has hurt herself from a cat (its what the woman had told my daughter when she asked her) and drawn her a picture to make her feel better along with several flowers from my garden to make her feel better and this is going to be awkward when we give them to the woman tomorrow

I really don't see what the point in asking her about it would be. What on Earth do you think it would achieve?

Ok, I do not want to offend anyone here, but probably will. Self harm as a coping mechanism is clearly a poor one. It seems to be almost self medicating.

If self harm is a sign of coping, I would question that, as it is not a coping mechanism I would be happy for my child to use. If someone is self harming and continuing to do so, surely they have no alternative effective coping mechanism in place (eg CBT, NLP, talking therapy, anti depressants/anxiet mess and so on.

As a result I would rightly or wrongly view someone continuing to self harm as someone who had not found the correct help to move on from it. I suppose that would make me question their judgement.

If it is something that should be accepted as something the sufferer cannot stop/help and that accordingly it is wrong to judge the sufferer, then why is it not possible to explain the situation to a child? This is where I can't progress my train of thought. "some people cut themselves as a way of dealing with bad feelings" is not something I would be content to tell a young child. I would fear it to provide a role model for behaviour that I would not want my child to copy. Which is why it would cause me concern in a childcare context. Not because I judge those with MH issues, lord, I've enough of my own, I wouldn't want my child to grow up holding prejudices against those with MH difficulties either.

Would I be fair in having those concerns or a bigoted nasty person, because I don't think I am tbh.

I would say nothing to the nursery worker, she is excellent with children it seems and you don't know for sure that she is self harming. But it wouldn't stop me worrying about firstly having had to have to explain (untruthfully) to DC about the marks and the kind of role model cutting provides.

Thats it. Im putting my dc into care tomorrow as I'm not fit to look after them, im an abuser and a liar

I thought that troll
and it really is hateful. I'm not engaging with the thread derail - whether GG needs "educating" or not

You aren't answering the question GenerationGap..

Would you advocate chatting to a 3yo about your night on the wine as well?? Pretty standard accepted behavior from most people ON THEIR OWN TIME!!

Do you call everyone a fucking cunt who disagrees with you?

How many people self medicate with tobacco and drink. I wouldnt advocate that as anything to aspire to either but thats ok to do as its more acceptable in society.

Yes my children know I drink wine, I occasionally drink wine in their presence. I would answer any questions they had about it.

bringmesunshine I actually appreciated the way your post is written but it's clear you don't know much about self-harming. Self-harming doesn't mean the person doesn't have other strategies in place, the fact that this nursery worker's scars have bene seen in fact points more towards the suspiciion she may already be getting help.

I think you can have a logical conversation about this with an older child (in some ways it's no different to talking about what has happened to someone with a physical disability) but in this case, I would personally have no problem with continuing with the nursery worker's "lie" that a cat did it. A three year old would not understand, it is ok to save this conversation for later. Or lie about it.

Self medicating with alcohol or drugs is just as unacceptable if you turn up to work with a hangover another self inflicted injury not compatible with child care.

and one day GG I will explain to my children about selfharm, and about drug taking. And about why both are bad but they should always feel free to seek help.

It does not affect my ability to do my job properly, or parent properly. I would nto judge someone looking after my children going through something similar if the care of my child wasn't affected.

I know we are all for truthfulness and openness with children but it needs to be age appropriate definitely. A 3yo has no need for an in depth understanding of self harming (or the effects of alcohol or the state of the national economy or any other in depth complicated thing).
They are 3!! Its ok to leave the explaining until they can understand.

it has nothing to do with a difference of opinion it is to with what is hatefull and not acceptable within our society.

but hey as MNHQ keep reminding us, people as misfortuante as youre self generation need to be educated.

However I disagree anyone with attitudes as deplorable as yours need to be treated with the same contempt as they display.

Absolutely sheeps, but if a nursery worker smelled of fags or booze I wouldn't be best pleased, so not an a exact analogy?

Thanks girl, am proceeding with caution here! Just trying to work through how I might feel about it in OPs position.

You cannot equate scars from self harm with a hangover GG. The scars do not prevent someone from functioning at their job ffs (as the OP pointed out numerous times!!!)

Loads of people turn up to work with a hangover, lots of people smoke, as long as it does not interfere with the quality of care given then it shouldnt be an issue.

My children have asked about my scars, when they are older I will have a frank and and serious chat to them about it all. I have had my moments over the years but I have never been unable to care for my children because of it.

We'll just have to agree to disagree. I don't need educating I just have a different opinion to you.

bringmesunshine - I'd agree with all that Girlwiththemouseyhair said, and I'd add that we, fortunately, don't ask for carers/teachers to be exemplary beings in every part of their being - only that they can do their jobs.

I do think that placing "self-harming" amongst the category of things that aren't compatible with being good at the job of caring/teaching is a bit of a slippery slope. Would you expect a carer/perceptor to be exemplary in all aspects of mental health? Would they have to have role model standard self-esteem/personal life/political opinions? Would they have to be dealing with physical illness in a majority-sanctioned manner?

I can see that you genuinely mean your question as a question, and I genuinely mean those answers as possible answers.

I think your further analogy - with drugs/alcohol - is also interesting. Providing people don't behave in a way that is contrary to the demands of their roles, we do allow people the space of a non-overlap between work and their non-work identity/self.

Personally, I think that's important. I'd hate to see an erosion of that distance.

I am not joining in with the barrage of insults. I like cunts and badgers too much.

No ok point taken I wouldnt be thrilled either especially about smelling drink, but self medicating with alchohol of fags does seem less of an issue somehow

OR fags that should say

Scars may not but recent wounds might and the OP said she thought the abuse was current and on going. A fully recovered previous self harmed I would have no concerns about but not someone with recent injuries who has to lie about it.

• harmer